This is a story I know well. Or, at least I believe that I know well. Lisa Stebic has a "contentious" split from a "controlling" husband. When she files a protection order to get him evicted from the house, she disappears. Her husband is the prime suspect, but has not been charged, will probably never be charged, unless they find her body.
This brings to my mind one of the saddest, scariest and most depressing facets of domestic violence: that when the victim/survivor tries to leave, that's the most dangerous time, the time when they are most likely to be hurt or killed, because when an abuser sees that his victim is slipping out of his grasp, or trying to free herself, that's when that abuser panics, that's when their basic insecurity and cowrdice assert themselves in the strongest way, and that's when they become desparate to hold on to the power they have.
For everyone who blames women for not leaving their abusers? Fuck. You. I don't know exactly what was going on in this relationship, and I admit that I'm looking at this story through a particular lens, but everything in this article screams out to me that this is another victim of domestic violence who has been killed while she was trying to free herself. And you know what? That fact that women or men in these relationships, who know in their heart or hearts that their partner is very sick and very scary, don't want to rock the boat because they know how dangerous it could be, that they have to hear a lot of numb-nuts telling them how stupid they are to stay-that boils my blood.
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Excellent reminder. I volunteered years back with a helpline for a while that got some callers who were in abusive relationships, and this is one of the facts brought up in our training to explain why encouraging/pushing them to leave wasn't a great idea. They're the one who knows their abuser; they're the one who knows when they're most likely to be able to escape safely.
Well, following your logic, then people in abusive relationships should be encouraged to stay and continue to be a human punching bag, because it's more dangerous for them to leave.
Is that the answer?
The answer is realizing that when to leave is their decision to make, and it's not as simple as walking out the door. Abusers do a damn good job of at least making their victim *think* they have no resources, no one will believe them, etc.
I've worked with women who left, and the vast majority didn't do so overnight. They had to know there was help out there, and once they decided to leave most of them had a plan it took time to execute... saving some money in a hidden account, waiting until their abuser was going to be gone for several days so they could get as far out of town as possible, etc.
No one is encouraging any abuse victim to stay.
I think PDX nailed it, but the problem is that there IS no great easy solution. I certainly don't want them to continue to be hurt, but i personally don't want to see anyone murdered. Many of my clients have been: I've been shot at for helping them; this is a ridiculous problem. But the fact remains that the person in the relationship is probably the best judge of what she or he needs to do-they need options more than anything. Better options than a piece of paper. What angers me isn't people thinking 'she should leave" it's people telling survivors or victims "You should leave, idiot." that's what angers me.
Even worse, leaving in ITSELF is no guarantee of safety. Sure, you can have a restraining order taken out, but if someone is determined to hurt you, they won't care about violating a restraining order.
I moved across the country and I'm still afraid, sometimes, that he could find me. Especially since every time I find a social networking mechanism (Twitter, for instance), he gets in touch with me before I have the chance to block him and tells me I'm being unreasonable and that he's better now and I should give him a chance and he misses me SO MUCH- as if emotional abuse and rape and finally, trying to kill someone, is equal to a simple disagreement.
I was lucky enough to be able to get onto a plane and fly away. Many people are not.
What is the solution? I wish I knew.
I'm so sorry he did that to you. I'm sure you've heard this before, but none of it was your fault, and you are not alone.
I volunteer at a DV (Domestic Violence) shelter and a statistic we use for training is that the average person who will leave a DV situation will return 7 times before leaving for good. This is important to understand. I have been there for a year and a half and it is so hard to see women return to their abusers or to see women that Ii saw a few months ago. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we don't know where that person is in there leaving process. We do "safety plan" with women, this might include encouraging them to leave or to get a protective order or to tell someone they trust and keeping a packed bag at a safe place. Safety is #1.
The good news is that in many places now there is a mandatory arrest provision which means that when the police are called for DV they have to arrest someone so no more of that old "this-is-a-family-problem".
While mandatory arrest is generally a good protective statute because it removes responsibility from the victim for the arrest, it's important that police receive ongoing, accurate training regarding domestic violence. In some PDs, they will arrest both parties if there is evidence that she fought back, which is very problematic. No more than 5% of cases should result in dual arrests, so evaluation of the application of the law is vital. Having predominant or primary aggressor language in statute is extremely helpful to reduce this problem.
It is true. It is so hard for police to arrive in any DV situation and figure out exactly what happened. In cases of a male/female relationship the man is very likely to be arrested because of preconceived notions of women always being the victim. I guess where I come down on the issue is that I would rather be arrested than to have the police leave my abuser (now angry about having the cops called) left with me. Also, I know that sometimes it can be hard for someone to be approved for DV shelter if they have been arrested for DV themselves. I agree that education is the key but even with the best understanding of DV it can be hard to determine who the primary aggressor is in cases where there was violence on both parts.
I agree; it's very complicated. The shelter point you made is a very good one, but hopefully with the use of proper screening victims with records won't be excluded.
Another issue is that victims are often very willing to admit to using violence, while their abusers continuously deny, deny, deny. This is particularly problematic in custody cases. It gets even more complicated when victims intentionally provoke their abusers in an attempt to control when and where the violence happens.
We do try (and I assume all other shelters do too) but since we are a “no violence zone” we some time have to find other services (something other than them coming in to shelter) for people with an arrest for violence because we have to guarantee the physical and emotional safety of all our residents.
Shelter screening is so very difficult. I'm curious about the parameters of your screening- is an arrest sufficient for a turn away, or is a conviction necessary? Are there any circumstances under which a person with an arrest wouldn't be turned away? Please don't take the questions as confrontational, I'm seriously just curious. :)
An arrest does not necessarily mean that a person wouldn't be able to come in to shelter even if it were for DV but we would ask about it and try to get the details. For example if it is part of a series of violent acts then that is a problem. I wish there was a strict rubric for shelter approval but unfortunately often times it is just a judgment call for the case workers.