Cross posted to Diary of a Nobody
A friend of mine has just been told, in advice that was (supposedly) well meaning and ‘for her own good’, that she should stop being so independent and then she’ll find love. I have also been told that if I changed my ‘look’ to be less ‘individual’ I’d attract more men on a night out. That if I stopped being so ‘geeky’ or ‘weird’ or any thing that would mark me out as an individual as opposed to say a sheet of MDF cut out to resemble a playboy centerfold. Maybe I would, but what gets me is how these assertions are accepted and not greeted with the howls of outcry and derision they deserve. Needless to say me and my friend are proud to be independent, strong and all of those adjectives that are so imbued with a derisory double meaning when applied to women.
After all an ‘outspoken’ and ‘vocal’ woman is too often short hand for ‘difficult’ and ‘should just shut up’. I recall an episode of Sex and the City, where Charlotte explains why she continues to rent and not buy as her owning her own property may make a man feel inferior, and thus be a barrier to a relationship. As a fan of the show I’m proud to say her statement was widely derided by the rest of the girls as old fashioned tosh. I’m also reminded of the song ‘Clever Girls Like Clever Boys Much More Than Clever Boys Like Clever Girls’ by Pelle Carlberg, a somewhat scathing view of intelligent men who spurn intelligent women ‘who go to round table debates’ in favour of those whose ‘ambitions go as far as raising kids’ and a ‘good looking chick who likes to laugh at all the funny things they say’. I’m also reminded of the line ‘Some girls are easier on the eyes, but you could take their silent lives?’ from the song ‘Do you Believe in me?’ my Catatonia, a line which guided me through many a moment of lonely teenage angst.
I know someone’s choice of mate is no ones choice but their own and god knows enough has been written and pontificated about how men and women look for different things it’s a wonder any of us get together long enough to breed. I know the dating game is akin to a warzone, emanating as much collateral damage and battle scars; however I can’t help but wonder (in true ‘Sex and the City’ style) why is it women are expected to give up more than men? Expected to change more ? We all know relationships are fraught with compromise, but why is taken as a given that this should be the woman’s? I can’t speak from any experience but I don’t assume it’s pretty common place advice that men compromise themselves and their personalities to get more women.
The world is full of stories of women giving up a career and a life to follow a man, yet there are scant stories of this sacrifice with the gender roles reversed. Popular culture dictates a woman has no hope of changing a man, but does this mean we should change ourselves? I’ve always asserted that I have no interest in anyone who does not accept me for who I am. I am loathe to play down my intellect, personality or many quirks to attract a man. I’m human, not a carnivorous plant, camouflaged to lure the bait. Women’s magazines , even those billed at ‘modern , independent girls’ are chock full of relationship advice, articles on how to get a man articles on how to keep a man, articles on how to please a man in bed. You have women who feel like failures because they have passed the big 30 with no diamond signifier of ownership gracing their fingers, women who’s life is ‘perfect’ in every way but a man. I’m not denying relationships can be wonderful and if you find the right person that’s fabulous, but if you don’t? What’s more pathetic a woman of 40 who’s happy, independent and successful. She doesn’t need a man but knows that if one comes along, she could have some fun. Or a woman of 39 who rushes down the aisle with a vastly inappropriate man just because she ‘needs’ to be married before it’s ‘too late’. Elizabeth Wurtzel had it right when she said “I don’t want to spend any time making lists of things I need to do by age thirty-five or no one will marry me, I don’t want to be on this fucking clock that no man on earth is at all concerned with. I want more than that”.
Why are intelligent women still treated with more scorn and derision than their male counterparts? Why is a keen intellect in a woman seen a something she should ‘play down’ to attract a mate? Ditto a sense of independence and individuality. While I am certainly not one to deny the allure of sexual attraction and beautiful people, I am also one who gets bored if those beautiful people have only that beautiful shell. The men I am attracted to, from teenage crushes onwards, have always been those with a depth, something beneath their (admittedly very handsome) veneer. Compare the stereotype of the handsome dark brooding poetic man, a handsome Johnny Depp at a piano type; where are the women like this? the awkward ‘Daria’ types, scorned because they are perhaps too astute for the world? They are never seen as desirable, the desirable women in pop culture are the ones who are beautiful; any pretence at a personality is purely coincidental. I refuse to belittle men by believing they do not crave women with depth and soul. I believe the stereotype of a man lusting after a busty blonde, who while she may not be dim certainly plays the part to fit the role, does men as much harm as it does women. Yet sometimes it seems as if it would be easier for me to loose a few IQ points and start giggling coquettishly at men’s pathetic jokes, fluttering my eyelashes with vapid servility and being enthralled by their every word. Often in those abhorrent ‘dating tips’ sections of magazines something along the lines of ‘Listen! men love to talk about themselves let him!’ and ‘Laugh at his jokes (even if they’re not funny)!’ will crop up. Now there is nothing wrong with getting to know people and listening, but women like to talk about themselves too. Are men’s magazines running articles imploring men to listen to women?
The role of intelligent women seems to be one of the perpetually overlooked (unless of course someone needs help with homework): Willow in the earlier series of ‘Buffy’ competing with the un-apologetically shallow and ‘hot’ Cordelia. Even Buffy herself, the cute blonde, is portrayed as an outcast. Compare Courtney Love to Kurt Cobain and their respective popular images: Kurt is the tortured genius, Courtney is the bitch who rode his coattails to fame. This belying the fact Courtney was writing and performing her own (wonderful) songs before she’d even met the guy. I can’t help feeling poor Courtney gets far more scorn than she deserves because she is outspoken, a trait that is lauded in many a male star but in a female somehow marks them out as a ‘bitch’ or ‘difficult’. This is just one example of this sick and twisted mindset we have got ourselves into. This whole attitude towards women with a bit of nouse, a bit of depth and an impressive IQ still seems little removed from the Katerina and Bianca face off in ‘Taming of the Shrew’. However I recall docile, blonde (why are the good, pretty girls nearly always depicted as Blonde? what has hair colour go to do with it?) and forever lusted after Bianaca ended up in a miserable marriage and the awakrd, thinks for herself Katerina ended up with Petruchio, a fellow eccentric who, in my interpretation of the play at least, only ‘tamed’ her as a way to throw up two fingers to the society that had them both down as ‘awkward’ and ‘un-marriageable’, while their attraction seems to be one based on mutual intellectual sparring. Sadly it seems to be the more misogynistic interpretation, that one must be ‘tamed’ to end up ‘happy’ and with a man that seems to pervade. I for one am holding two fingers up to this bullshit notion and I hope I am not alone.
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My mother always told me that I'll never find a husband because I am such a feminist. She said that I'll never find a man because I have five cats and men hate cats. She also told me that I'd never find someone who would marry me if I didn't take his last name. My husband is a cat-loving feminist who had no problems with me keeping my name when we married. I love proving my mother wrong.
Proving my mother wrong is the best. She thought that my lack of make up and aggressive personality would turn off all men.
I too, am a "clever" woman, but I'm only 19 years old and have almost no experience dating, so I can't say much. However, two boys I had crushes on in my late teens rejected me in favor of typical "stupid" girls who giggled at their jokes, so I did notice, even though I've been mercifully spared the majority of the "smart girl" stigma by going to a university and dating a boy who values intelligence regardless of gender.
My mom would always say "if you want a boyfriend, why do you dress like that? You're not going to get a boyfriend dressed like that." I wear those tripp pants and punk style clothing. I haven't yet stopped wearing them, but I did get the best boyfriend I ever could have asked for. We've been together for a little over a year now, and are still going strong.
The thing is, I didn't want a boyfriend who refused to date me cause of the way I dressed. I like dressing the way I do, and whoever I am with had better like it, too. (and he does, he even started dressing kinda like me on his own ^_^)
My mother is ridiculously intelligent, shaves her legs maybe once a year, if that, and has worn make-up maybe a half dozen times, and she and my father have been ridiculously happy together for almost thirty years.
I honestly don't get the "act like X in order to get a guy!" Because it's not just *getting* that's the thing, is it? I mean, if you just want a one-night stand I can sort of see the point of the advice if I squint, barely. (I don't think I'd want to have sex with someone who wouldn't respect me for who I was, but that's not to say everyone else feels the same way.) But if it's a relationship you're looking for... god. It's not as if you can suddenly drop all the mannerisms once you're officially going out. If you get a boyfriend who likes you because you act dumb, if you want him to stay your boyfriend you have to keep acting dumb. (Or slowly start letting your actual intelligence shine through, but if he wouldn't have a problem with that why go through the whole rigmarole anyway? It just achieves that your relationship started on a lie.) I find the idea of acting dumb for an open-ended amount of time in order to "keep" a guy to be absolutely horrifying - and I'm not sure why you'd want someone who wouldn't respect your intelligence anyway, but again, just me.
These types of things make me immensely glad I don't want a boyfriend!
It's funny, I hear about the pressure to "dumb yourself down" constantly, but I've never experienced it personally. There are so many fantastic guys out there who love smart women and who are being wounded by this stereotype as well. I guess I just feel like I am unable to be attracted to a man who would want me to be less clever, I find them internally ugly.
A few days ago, I was bored so I put on Bravo, and The Millionaire Matchmaker came on. The matchmaker told a "millionaire" that he would not be able to attract women if he did not open their doors, pay for their food, etc.
It is true that this "millionaire" would not attract some women because he refuses to treat them like children. It is also true that he would attract some women because he refuses to treat them like children. Additionally, this "millionaire" may not be attracted to women who want to be treated like children.
Some men will be off-put by your intelligence, and others will be attracted. The former are ugly and the latter attractive. Your refusal to play dumb to men is not a handicap, it is a gift. Use you gift to disqualify the ugly guys, and find the attractive ones.
I liked that mentioned that the "pretty" is always portrayed as blond. When I was a kid, I LITERALLY thought that it was a hard and fast rule: blond girls are pretty, darker-haired girls are not. Not having blond hair, of course, I assumed I was hideous.
On your original point, I have actually had men tell me that I "seem like I don't want a boyfriend because I'm so independent." Uh, I don't even know how to respond to that- yes, I am independent...do I want a boyfriend? Not necessarily, but I don't NOT want a boyfriend either...but the key is that I don't NEED one.
And that's where the double standard comes in. Because men will stereotype and complain about how women are too NEEDY, and yet, that seems what they want us to be a lot of the time.
As a natural blonde, I've ran from my hair color my entire life. Up until about a year ago, my hair was black, brown, red, purple, or blue. I did not want to be seen as the stereotypical cute-but-dumb blonde. Nobody believed I was a natural blonde because I was "too smart." Odd, because one of my best friends is naturally blonde as well, and she's a very intelligent woman who plans on majoring in math. So there we go disproving a stereotype to the zenith.
I've never been told I won't attract a guy because I'm too smart; I've been told I won't attract a guy because I'm too much of a guy. I cuss and talk dirty way more than most guys I know. I've made all my male friends blush at one point or another.
My teachers constantly tell me that I'm an intelligent, unique, creative individual who will be very successful.
My peers see me as very charismatic and confident (sometimes to the point of bitchy if they dislike me, but hey, nobody wins 'em all, and everyone has an off day in which she just doesn't want to put up with stupid shit).
But no one has ever mentioned that I won't make boys run from me.
They naturally do. I've been the pursuer in all of my relationships (which, actually, adds up to three).
However, my best friend, who is very flirtatious and dependent, has boys lining up to date her.
Confident women are being fucked over by the media.
That's why I'm majoring in creative writing. I want a say in the media.
I think I'm in love. ;)
With who?
My math-nerd friend or the dependent one?
haha!
I'd like to interrogate this claim "the sex I'm attracted to doesn't like members of my sex with [virtue X]." As a male, I also fall into this kind of rhetoric when I go through a rough patch with dating, relationships, whatever.
It seems a little like bad faith to lament that anyone worth pursuing will be turned off by intelligence, politeness ("nice guys finish last" is the mantra that haunts a lot of guys), emotional sensitivity or independence, creativity, etc. Instead, this kind of thinking diverts us from more constructive self-assessment.
It can be so tempting to say to ourselves, "the problem is that I'm so awesome that everyone is afraid, turned off, i.e. prejudiced against, me..." -- to think that it's our virtues that account for our stumbling, rather than any shortcoming. In my case, it turns out that women are in fact into nice guys and intelligent guys (both of which I tend to doubt in more melancholy moments) -- but I have to recognize that my shyness and lack of spontaneity keeps me from pursuing many opportunities for relationships. Whether I decide to change or not, there is more clarity in recognizing my weaknesses instead of blaming my strengths.
To play with sassy, pat dating-book-esque mantras: never doubt your virtues or your talents -- those are precisely what are attractive about you. Instead, consider if you might be overlooking other possibilities for self-improvement by dwelling on the plight of the "clever girl."
I'm glad I've never gotten this treatment from my family. Don't get me wrong- the first question anyone asks when they see me is 'you still don't have a boyfriend?!' However, this question is usually followed up by, 'None of the boys at college smart enough for you, then?' My grandmother also gets a kick out of telling me that one day I'll have a high-paying job and 'wear the pants' and order my husband around. The idea is still a bit patriarchal- why can't my marriage be egalitarian? more importantly, why do I need to get married in the first place?- but it's still a far cry from the 'act dumb or the boys won't like you' treatment that some of you have been subjected to.
[sarcasm]Obviously, the dependent and flirty one.[/sarcasm] No, I meant the one who, in one single comment, managed to convey a sense of pure, distilled awesome so powerful I couldn't help but be swept off my feet. (Or maybe it was the mention of blue hair instead of the pure distilled awesome. I have a thing for girls with blue hair.)
Anyway, do you have a blog or a Facebook profile or something?
This is probably a failure of empathy, but I've never comprehended the idea of my fellow males avoiding intelligence or independence. To me, a sharp intellect is the ultimate attribute for a potential mate, while the vapid idols of pop culture could only keep me aroused if I convinced myself they really were smart.
Could anyone explain to me how the concept of a woman who is "too clever" originated? Do most men merely lust for power and a position as the protector and "bread winner," or is there something besides tradition and insecurity that I'm missing?
Lots of men do love strong, intellectual women, but there are also tons of mixed messages. The media puts up a type, many women imitate that, and it becomes the definition of attractiveness. For men without a very strong sense of self, that "type" is the prize, not necessarily because HE thinks it is good, but because he thinks it will gain him respect from other males. However, if you start to deconstruct it, you have to ask what is really attractive about fake hair, lips, breasts, etc. Put aside the male ego part of it, and that isn't what most men want in a life partner. So, in a sense, being yourself will weed out some of the spine-less men and will be a huge asset for you in the long-run. So what if men aren't falling down around you. I've dressed the part a few times and decided very quickly that that kind of attention is really unappealing.
The problem with over analyzing stereotypes, is it eventually makes you think stereotypically.
So stop worrying about it.
Be yourself, and WHO CARES if you don't fit into some general consensus of what you're supposed to be.
(Why would you want that anyway?)
See, I used to over analyze this sort of thing too, and I just came to the conclusion that its just pointless.
In the end, there's really only one thing you need to know:
"MOST PEOPLE SUCK!"
But that's OK, because when you finally DO meet someone that defies expectations, all the other crap that you had to deal with to get to them just makes it that much more special.
In the meantime, selling yourself short, comparing yourself to "What you're supposed to be", will eventually just make you more miserable.
So just be the best intelligent, geeky, dorky, weirdo you can possibly be, damn you! The world needs more of those.
And who cares if "Most people are like THIS, and that's how they want me to be too". Who cares? Screw those people! Why do you want to impress them? They're obviously not impressing you.
So forget about them. They can't bother you, unless you let them. Besides, even if they do, that's what your awesome cleverness is there for, right?
Anyway, the people you're looking for are out there. Its just that if you met them everyday, it would kill the specialness.
So don't give up.
- Zero
P.S. All the people I know, rank "Cleverness" and "Intelligence" pretty high on the "I want to date you" scale. In fact, I do too. So, maybe you're just hanging out with the wrong people.