A young man I know was on the feministing.com blog and by clicking through a series of links, he apparently came across an article on this theme, and then, asked me what I thought.
I read some of the literature and was shocked that nobody was really mentioning what I thought was perhaps the core issue: blowjobs are not inherently anti-feminist, but the fact that oral sex is so infrequently reciprocated in heterosexual relationships probably is.
There is a certain generation of people, I would venture to say perhaps 25 and younger (although that boundary is fuzzy) for whom fellatio is not and has not been especially taboo: the generation of people about whom TIME and Newsweek articles are written, proclaiming with statistics meant to unnerve the middle-age readership about X% of girls under the age of 14, 15, 16, etc. who have given oral sex.
It would seem that, for this generation, fellatio is "third base" of heterosexual relationships; some logical interim between fondling and sex.
I would contend, perhaps, that this is true because men feel more entitled than women do to sexual pleasure.
Among those young women who give but do not receive oral sex, I assume that there is a general awareness that the act of cunnilingus would be physiologically pleasurable. If they don't ask, its because they feel ashamed, embarrassed or awkward.
One girl I know explained it like this: "I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing while I'm being out...just lay there twiddling my thumbs?"
I can't really imagine a guy saying the same thing about receiving a blowjob, can you?
Men don't seem to question what they ought to be doing, because for them, receiving sexual attention seems completely natural.
If women have been socialized to always be "giving"--giving to their friends, giving to their families, and giving in relationships--it is surprising that they're less that comfortable in action where they only receive?
Another plausible reason exists as to why men feel more entitled to receiving sexual pleasure.
If we accept as true that men climax more readily than women (this would of course be true in missionary position "vanilla" sex, if the woman is given no special attention), then it might follow that men expect, and in turn, feel entitled to climax in any giving love-making session, whereas women would more frequently hold the attitude that they may or may not climax, even if their partner is being very attentive.
I genuinely believe that if women felt comfortable with their bodies, and comfortable being paid attention to, that they would ask for and receive oral sex in the same way that men do.
I don't buy that a physical act can be inherently demeaning, in isolation from its social implications.
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Blowjobs are only anti-feminist if you are giving when you don't want to, or giving but not receiving when you want to receive. I know women who honest to goodness don't like getting eaten out, however, instead of having some sort of anxiety or self-esteem issue. Though, the women I know who fall in that category orgasm pretty much exclusively through PIV intercourse.
Also, be careful with this:
"If we accept as true that men climax more readily than women (this would of course be true in missionary position "vanilla" sex, if the woman is given no special attention),"
Not all women climax more slowly than men in the missionary position, just as not all women climax in any certain way all the time. And the use of the word "special" is problematic; saying the woman must be given "special" attention implies that clitoral stimulation with tongue, fingers, or a vibrator during PIV intercourse is somehow outside the realm of sex. I don't think you meant it that way, but be careful not to frame discussions about sex in the same way that hetero dude culture would.
I've actually ONLY ever climaxed from the missionary position. You know, just to throw in some anecdotal evidence. :)
I can't really imagine a guy saying the same thing about receiving a blowjob, can you?
Yes, I definitely can.
It is impossible to determine anyone's attitudes to something if you don't actually ask them. Glossy TV shows and American teen movies are not an accurate reflection of the sex lives of... well, anyone, I think.
Sorry, that came off a bit blunt. What I mean to say is that everyone is nervous, inexperienced and anxious when they start getting intimate with other people for the first time.
Of course, the only thing you can trust less than TV and film is the reported behaviours of the average teenage male. The machismo and one-upmanship is going to totally over-ride any chance they tell the truth.
I find reading the bad_sex forum on livejournal to be a much more interesting catalogue of sex in real life. Also, funnier ;-)
bad_sex makes me laugh and fear for the human race at the same time. Some of those ladies boink some real gems.
Wonderful post, ebotella! The bit about women being "socialized to always be 'giving'" really hit home for me; the attitude of self-sacrifice and the martyrdom that often goes with it has been a plague on my family and those of women around me for generations. I used to be a blow-job queen who "didn't like" receiving because it involved concentrating on my own pleasure at the perceived expense of the man. Like the woman you quoted, I felt like I was essentially "just laying there twiddling my thumbs". That was really powerful, as well.
Again, great post.
As a woman who both gives and receives oral sex, I have to give a "hell no!" to the question of whether blow jobs are anti-feminist, WITH the caveat you stated above - that it has to be reciprocal. The way blowjobs are presented in these articles about teen sex is always one way - the girl is giving, the boy is receiving. I don't know if this is universally true for teenagers (although I suspect it is),and if so that is the problem. It is presenting women as the sexual servicers and the men as the ones to be serviced, and female desire and satisfaction is irrelevant. But if oral sex is mutually enjoyable for you and your partner, go for it!
I actually know several couples where the guy performs oral sex in EVERY sexual encounter, and the girl rarely if ever gives a blowjob. The logical reason behind this is that a lot of girls NEED foreplay like that in order to become lubricated and opened up enough to have comfortable sex, while guys can usually be ready to have sex right away. For a lot of couples, if intercourse is going to happen there needs to be cunnigulus first, but there doesn't need to be fellatio.
I agree - I don't think there are too many sexual positions/experiences that could be classified as "anti-feminist" as long as they're consensual and mutually gratifying. That said, I do know some women who love giving blow-jobs, and not just because they want to "please" their male partners but because they actually enjoy the act. I personally can't stand the thought of it, but I also don't ask guys to give me oral either, because I know I'm not going to reciprocate. The only thing anti-feminist (and this is more anti-humanity than anything else) about someone's consensual sex life is when someone else judges it, really.
Its funny, I've never really thought of oral sex as a giving thing, "like I am going to give up my time and comfort to make you feel good" but more of a doing thing, like "I really want to do this fabulous thing to you that will rock your world and make me exited that I can be in charge of your sexual excitement for a bit"
If an act is intentional, enjoyable, and if you feel in charge of your body, then sure its feminist.
I do not think that blowjobs themselves are anti-feminist. I think the attitude surrounding them is.
Do not EXPECT it of me because it is my womanly duty. Do not EXPECT me to give when you aren't willing to give. I do not owe you anything sexually.
In my entire sexual history I have had one person with head privileges. Why? Because he was selfless. Because he gave just as much as he received. Because he was invested in making things pleasurable for me and thought about someone other than himself.
I'm not saying the others on the list were 100% selfish bastards by any means. That is just the one guy that went above and beyond. I felt like he was putting just as much effort in to things as I was.
It didn't hurt that he made cute noises during it. Nothing bothers me more than a silent sexual partner.
I've had conversations where a woman's period was called "blow job week." That kind of expectation is anti-feminist. It completely and utter killed any attraction I may have had for the guy.
Is oral sex infrequently reciprocated in heterosexual relationships?
Do men feel entitled to sexual pleasure?
Are men unawkward when receiving oral sex?
Is receiving sexual attention natural for a man?
Have I really failed at being a man?
I'm sorry if this comes off badly, but what you've described as the male experience here seems to bear little resemblance to my life, while the female experience sounds more or less like my life. Maybe I'm just weird.
Statistically speaking, there is a large gap both between the percentage of the time women come as compared to men during sexual encounters, and between how often men vs. women perform oral on their partners. Of course this isn't true of every person/couple or of other cultures. This post links to the research and has a more detailed discussion in the comments section.
Huh - well, that is interesting reading. One ought to be skeptical of far-reaching claims that don't jive with their own experience, but that certainly happens sometimes, and the stats you link to suggest my experience should be more equipartitioned than average anyways, so I can accept those findings.
Well, I guess I do fail to be manly on the first question, then. I could still get an A on the test if I'm typical in the other four respects. Somehow, I've a sinking feeling that's not likely, though.
And wherever our culture constructs "manly" as synonymous with "asshole" you should be proud of your failure to be manly. =)
I'm looking at the way the language gets used here:
Giving a blowjob.
Getting eaten.
In both terms, the woman (assuming it's a hetero couple) is losing something.
There were a few years where I felt like I was subjugating myself by "giving" a blowjob. So now I'm wondering, what if it were called "taking his orgasm"? I don't know. It may just be words, but the idea of "taking" someone's pleasure appeals to me greatly >D
I'm not sure you're expressing yourself clearly here. The person oral sex is being performed on is always being described as receiving, the person performing oral sex is always described as giving. At least, this is how I understand the nomenclature. When the woman gets eaten, she's receiving the eating; she has more than she started with (metaphorically, or figuratively, or whatnot), at least as I understand it. Similarly, I would use the verb "give" to describe giving oral sex to a woman (or a man, if that came up, I guess).
A person doesn't receive an eating, they are eaten. I've never really gotten into that term - sounds too painful and cannabalistic.
So in that case, I'd rather "get" oral sex than get eaten!
I concur about the language and terminology. Regarding this (oral sex) and beyond, I think the man is often see as the active partner while the woman is the passive partner. Language only reinforces the idea that men gain pleasure while women 'give' something (oral, virginity, "give it up", etc)
I think when it comes to sex, it isn't typically the act that is anti-feminist, but the motivation behind the act (as anteup said). That is, if you're giving oral sex to a man because you're "supposed to" even though you don't enjoy it and he doesn't reciprocate (even though you want him to)... then that scenario may be anti-feminist but it isn't the blowjob itself.
While I'm almost certain that the examples and descriptions you gave are accurate in many cases, if not 'most' cases... it is so far from my own personal experience that it's kind of hard to relate to. While I definitely see your point, I think your theory is somewhat based on the belief that most women dislike giving oral sex and enjoy receiving it.
-Lilith
My (feminist) boyfriend and I have talked about this. He enjoys performing oral sex on me, but has said he is sometimes uncomfortable with my reciprocation because he has been taught in all his gender theory classes that he has a certain male privilege, and he doesn't want to be one of those assholes who abuse it. I have told him repeatedly that I only do things with him that I *want* to do and that he shouldn't feel guilty or like he is in any way taking advantage of me.
Now, in a past relationship that I had, the man was very vocal about wanting me to perform oral sex, and very vocal about not wanting to reciprocate. For many reasons, but including that one, the relationship didn't work out. I'm not even saying he was doing it to be sexist, but we were just basically not compatible on that level.
Aside from that one person, by the way, every man I've dated (whether or not we actually were intimate) has expressed to me that he enjoys going down on women, so I have hope for dudes.
My boyfriend is similar. He doesn't analyse the societal and gender implications (he doesn't tend to think that way), but he does say that he is uncomfortable with receiving blow jobs because it's non reciprocal. He said that my orgasms have a higher priority over his, because there's more variability in terms of quality of sex for me. (It's a lot easier for me to have multiple orgasms.) Thus, he goes down on me a lot more than I go down on him...
Here is a question to build on this: Are you as a man or do you think men are open about giving oral sex to their lady partners? I have run into a few guys who are embarrassed to admit that they give oral sex and am wondering if this is common.
Every guy I know is proud of how good he is at going down on a girl. Although I do know one guy who only wants to go down on girls who are shaved :-(.
Most (hetero) guys, in my experience as well, are proud of being good at giving head. I can understand the preference for shaved if there's going to be a lot of oral going on - honestly, licking coarse hair just isn't a pleasant sensation. And men's is much easier to avoid during fellatio. ;)
I'm male and I find cunnilingus a serious turn-on but yes, I am sort of ashamed to admit it. I'm a bit bashful in general, but I find that in particular quite difficult/embarrassing to express.
For instance, I would feel really humiliated if a partner or ex-partner said anything about it to anyone else, even as a compliment. But this is the internet and I've got a paper bag on my head, so ...
Just to throw this out there- I'm a woman, and I actually get turned on by giving blowjobs. Giving and getting and reciprocation are all very important, but we seem to be talking as if women might enjoy seeing their partner get pleasure as they blow them, but wouldn't *really* enjoy it themselves. Mouths are pretty erogenous (although I'm not trying to make a uvula/clit deepthroat claim here, I've never actually orgasmed from using my mouth). And I'm sure the same goes for men- I know it gets my husband really hard to go down on me. Sometimes giving a blowjob can feel much more sexy and active than PIV sex, especially missionary position--not like I'm servicing someone, but like I'm taking charge. AND, we're being fairly heteronormative in this conversation, considering oral sex has much less hierarchical coding in many queer relationships.
I think that feeling powerful because of it is tied up in how you feel about doing it in the first place. I've felt both powerful and powerless from giving head. Powerful when I want to do it, powerless when I don't really want to do it but do it anyway out of some fucked up sense of obligation(which doesn't happen anymore. I know this contradicts my previous post. I just don't count the few times that I did it and didn't want to as people who were on my "head privileges" list)
I'm a woman, and I actually get turned on by giving blowjobs.
You're definitely not the only one, even among those of us who don't deep-throat. ;) The sensation of sucking is an incredibly pleasurably one in its own right, and when you combine it with the fun bits of a guy you find hot, it's sexy as hell. Sometimes there isn't anything more to it than that.
(I'm just sayin'.)
Erm, not that everyone in the world finds this to be the case - but plenty of us do, and I don't see anything problematic about consenting adults enjoying that.
The thing that disturbs me is some of the ideas behind oral sex that people have been expressing. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like some people sound like they treat oral sex as this holy sort of thing that they *bestow* upon only those people who are worthy. It reminds me of the rhetoric behind a lot of discussions about virginity and purity.
On another note, I think it's interesting how many cultures view oral sex as more intimate than vaginal sex. I've read that some cultures reserved oral sex as a privilege for married couples.
Another good point was one that Leonard Nimoy made when he was on the Colbert Report- that many girls resort to non-reciprocated oral sex because of their own body consciousness. Performing this act allows them to keep their clothes on (unlike sex or cunnilingus), in case they are ashamed of their size or what they think are imperfections.
Sad, really.
That is a really good point.
Somewhere I had read that there was actually more equality in oral sex, but I can't remember where, so I'll believe you.
In addition to the wider thing of women having to give more than men there is also the general idea that women are less sexual. In the 19th century women were thought to be completely asexual. A funny yet kinda disturbing factoid: Doctors would use clitoral stimulation to cure women of hysteria, and call it a 'hysterical paroxysm'. A physician could probably bring a hundred women to orgasm, but never suspect that this was sexual in nature, (or at least never admit his suspicion). It has been a long time since then, but we still view women as wanting it less than men.
(Though, this will have to go on my mental list of threads you wouldn't expect on a feminist website, along the one where the OP wanted breast surgery)
I agree that there is nothing inherently anti-feminist about fellatio.
A lot of people have mentioned reciprocity, but I also want to bring up the idea of the woman being in control of the situation. For example, the woman has to have the choice of spitting, swallowing, or even not getting any semen in her mouth at all. Also, I never let my boyfriend put his hand behind my head and move it, or thrust into my mouth. I know my gag reflex and need to be in control to make sure the experience is not painful and unpleasant for me. Those scenes in pornos where the girl just kneels there and the man essentially fucks her face while she gags and her eyes get bloodshot ARE very unfeminist.
I guess I've been lucky, I've never had anyone flat out refuse to perform oral sex, though I've had at least one guy do it very very badly. When I'm with a partner I want to give them pleasure as much as I want them to give it to me, and a blowjob can be a way to do that. I see nothing anti-feminist about it, but I do think reciprocity is key here.
No consensual physical act is anti-feminist on its own. The intention behind the act can make it anti-feminist, of course, and a lack of reciprocity can definitely make it anti-feminist. It really discourages me to hear about young women who never receive oral stimulation from their partners or who feel uncomfortable asking for it. It's true that men are raised to expect sexual attention and satisfaction, while women are often considered "dirty," "whores," or "nymphomaniacs" if we express any desires, requests, or (God forbid!) rules and regulations.
I personally get turned on by giving my partner head, and yes, he is pretty much required to reciprocate, haha. We both receive sexual pleasure from pleasing the other person. I think it's important to explore what you (and your partner) like or don't like. You may even discover different kinds of sexual stimulation during oral sex that are well worth it.
I think that the "submissive" position in a sexual scenario can be empowering too. I've discussed this with a close friend of mine who enjoys D/s scenarios and gets plenty satisfaction from being the submissive. It depends on the intentions, not the acts themselves.
yeah, here in the UK, worryingly, among teenagers, just about universally in my (very recent) experience of school and college life, doing oral on a girl is basically outlawed, and if people find out you have done it, its about as bad as being outed beyond doubt as gay (which as you can all imagine, unfortunately, is pretty bad). i am not exaggerating at all. the name given to people who do it is 'bo-kat', i think it is part of jamaican culture, which forms a large part of the youth culture here in the UK today. i find it particularly strange because of this, because in cuba, which is right next to jamaica, the idea is about the exact opposite.
I absolutely hate giving head, so doing it is anti-feminist. I don't see how anything good can come from choking.
I think you're doing it wrong, becstar. You're not supposed to "choke" on it. You can use your hands in conjunction with your mouth. Knowing that you have this silly stigma, though makes me more understand why you would object to the act.