The other night, I was in a bar, and at the next table was a group of young women. They were dressed up, and it turned out it was one girl's birthday. We figured this out because somebody, I assume her friends, had hired this guy to turn up and do a whole number on her. It was a basic strip session during which everything came off, including underwear, and this young woman whose birthday it was was relentlessly and aggressively groped. She looked constantly embarrassed and freaked out as he was grinding against her and shoving his hand up her skirt, but she was trying to go along with it. The entire place was loving it too, cheering all the action on. I was torn between finding the spectacle funny along with everyone else, and extreme discomfort at her predicament. It could not have been clearer that she had no choice in the matter. I'm sure some reading this will say, 'of course she did, she could have just objected.' But having seen it, I could see that that would be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, with her friends looking on having paid for the whole thing, and everyone else cheering and egging things on. Plus, the music was much too loud for anyone to be heard over it. What seems most disturbing is how the whole thing was so dressed up as 'comedy' and was so frankly silly (the stupid costume and music) that if she had objected to it she would have been seen as having no sense of fun, and branded as a killjoy, a spoilsport, or immature. Really, I wonder how she got through it. I can't imagine what fun there is in hiring somebody to come and harrass another person in front of a barful of people, except as a form of cruel amusement for everyone who isn't the one being harrassed. What do people think?
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Well, any man or woman who rejected a stripper that had been paid for would be seen as no fun, though maybe for different reasons.
But it seems like the stripper was playing the role of a typical guy - sexually dominant. If she didn't want it, she shouldn't have been forced to try and enjoy it. This is harassment in my book. No means no means no, whether someone paid for it or not.
I don't think that's ok, but would it have been ok if he hadn't touched her, just stripped in front of her?
I always wonder about guys and bachelor parties. It seems like in movies they often pressure the groom to get lap dances or more. I think I'd have more respect for a guy who could say no to that, but then, he has a built in excuse-- he's clearly in a serious relationship. What do you say when you're not, and your friends have paid for it and stuff? The easiest thing to do is probably laugh and go along with it, or maybe try something like "this was ______'s idea, I bet SHE wants a lap dance" and send the stripper over to whoever ordered them.
I think that if my friends pulled something like that on me (and I was single), I'd probably go along with it as long as it was just stripping but I'd put my foot down at him touching me.
Oh also, how is it legal for him to take EVERYTHING off in a bar that isn't a designated strip club?
No idea! One of my friends said it must be illegal, but nobody complained as far as I know, so maybe the bar staff had been told beforehand. I'm still kind of confused.
I would chalk it up as harassment. It sounds like she did not verbally consent to it and her non-verbal response was negative. Furthermore, with the entire public applauding the situation, I feel like her agency is severely limited. Granted she still did have the power to say no, but in the heat of the moment I can imagine that there wouldn't be very many apparent paths of escape from the situation.
That's really awful. If my friends pulled a stunt like that at my birthday I'd have punched them.. actually, no.. more like cried and ran away. That'smore my style.
Agreed. That would have made me incredibly uncomfortable. Not everyone likes those sorts of surprises and good friends should know that.
Since when do strippers stick their hands up your skirts? And get naked in bars instead of strip clubs?
This is all kinds of fucked up. It's not just sexual harrassment-- if he touched really was sticking his hands up her skirt, that's sexual assault.
I have this theory that people are even meaner to you on your birthday, because they know they can justify it with "We just wanted to surprise you!" or "But we worked so hard to get you that *insert clearly insulting thing here*" (Yeah, I've had some bad experiences too)
This. If I as her I would be filing charges.
I don't want to start a fight here but the woman still had the power to say no. Now when the stripper actually started groping her that was harassment and inexcusable, but we shouldn't ignore the fact that the woman still had the agency to to say no, yes it would be embarrassing but she was not powerless.
From what it sounds like I would say the stripper was harassing her but I also think it's worth discussing why the woman wouldn't assert her agency to get herself out of this bad situation. Why would someone put with this?
In a situation like that? Consent is not always black and white. Even if she had said no I get the feeling that it would have been passed over as modesty.
On paper, yes she could have said no.
In the real world...not so much.
She was with her friends, who had obviously carefully planned this event and had quite likely gone to considerable trouble and expense to hire the stripper.
They would have probably taken it personally if she said no, would have condemned her for being a "prude" or a "spoilsport" ...some of them might even have permanently held it against her and it might have jeopardized their friendship.
Plus, there was a whole crowd of bar patrons and bartenders cheering on the stripper - that's another layer of peer pressure she'd have to overcome.
So, realistically, there was no way she could have said no - no matter how uncomfortable the male stripper was making her.
I don't want to start a fight here but the woman still had the power to say no. Now when the stripper actually started groping her that was harassment and inexcusable, but we shouldn't ignore the fact that the woman still had the agency to to say no, yes it would be embarrassing but she was not powerless.
From what it sounds like I would say the stripper was harassing her but I also think it's worth discussing why the woman wouldn't assert her agency to get herself out of this bad situation. Why would someone put with this?