Crossposted from Yes Means Yes Blog.
This is a parenting rant; this is more conceptual than particular, and directed to more than one person.
"But she doesn't know about that yet" is not an answer. That's when she needs to know it: before she needs to know it. If she already knew it, she wouldn't need you to tell her. So tell her now, when she doesn't need to know it.
The time to tell her is when it's a strange rumor about someone's friend's cousin at another school. She's fishing for information. If you dodge the question, she'll let you. And she'll know not to ask again. "You can talk to me about anything" is a platitude. She's not stupid; she knows it's a platitude. She knows it's a platitude because she sees that you don't want to deal with the questions when she raises them. When you dodge, she knows she can't talk to you about anything; only things you're ready to talk about. That's why you shouldn't dodge it.
Even in what passes for comprehensive sex ed, they won't cover it. Popular culture won't teach her, they just pitch jokes that assume knowledge. So that leaves her friends, who are all 14. I didn't have much access to accurate information then and neither did you. Do you think they are much better?
If you wait long enough, you can avoid the conversation entirely. She'll get inaccurate half-assed information from somewhere else. This is not the best outcome, though it may be the least embarrassing.
Nobody will do your job for you. If you don't do your job, it won't get done. Not the way it ought to be, anyway.
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I agree, people should be well-informed before they need to use the information. If they are already sexually active, they should have received the information already.
Yes, yes, YES!
It floors me just how few American parents will talk about this, and that there's even an opt-out form at school when the topic is to be brought up.
Talk about the whole thing, because sex is a big topic and every aspect is important. Feed it to them in little, digestible bits. And don't forget to tell them about consent, and that it's not done necessarily to make babies, and that it sometimes/ a lot of times happens independent of marriage status.
don't forget to tell them about consent
YES! We can't teach about consent in a five-minute chat with a sixteen year old! Consent-as-process, consent-as-affirmative, is a value. It is my firm belief as a parent that we have to communicate values early, often and consistently.
We need to teach it as part of fair play and human decency: if your partner's not having fun, if your partner is not okay, you need to stop. That applies to tickling and tag and we can start with toddlers; it is no less true with their sex partners when they are eighty and in the nursing home than it is when they are wrestling in the basement as preschoolers.
Too right.
In fact, consent is exactly a process, as you said. It's only one side of the story to teach a toddler to stop throwing sand or wrestling when her friend yells, "stop". The other side - the trickier side for adults, IMO, is to empower kids to express how their bodies will be treated. That means affirming them and stepping in when an overly excited auntie won't stop hugging nd pinching cheeks, even after the kid has said "stop" several times. As a society we're still not used to kids having rights over their bodies, but how else are we to expect them to suddenly be so empowered at age 14 if we don't start much earlier?
as the mother of a daughter, i completely agree. as soon as my daughter learned the word "stop", if she says that word when i'm hugging/kissing/tickling,etc i will back off and say "i'm sorry" and have had to encourage other adults to respect her in the same way. it's a little uncomfortable to explain to adults that 'stealing kisses' isn't acceptable but i think it's important that toddlers have a sense of control over their own bodies, and in the same sense, learn that they need to respect other people's boundaries (how can you expect a toddler to stop doing something if you don't respect their wishes when they say "stop"?).
and for the OP, i'm always puzzled by parents that dread "the big sex talk" because it shouldn't be a "big talk" it should be an open dialogue that is continuous. if they are old enough to ask the question, they're old enough for the answer. it's so important to open with kids about sex, if you want them to have healthy attitudes about sex.
It's a little uncomfortable to explain to adults that 'stealing kisses' isn't acceptable but i think it's important that toddlers have a sense of control over their own bodies....
YES THIS. Doesn't that say something that we have to tell adults to keep their hands to themselves? It's a little crazy, how pregnant people, brides and children have become public domain to kiss (the bride) or rub (the belly) or hug (the kid), and objections are seen as rude rather than your rights.
I have two boys, so while one might think the experience is different, it's not really. They need to know what it feels like to give and ask for consent. If boys play physically with each other, and sometimes get pulled unwillingly into roughhousing, we can't dismiss it as boys being boys. This exact behavior and attitude can translate to date rape and partner abuse.
Wow. I just realized how horrible a lot of adults are about respecting the body rights of children. When I was a kid, my dad used to tickle me until I was screaming and shrieking and crying for him to stop, and he wouldn't, and I would sometimes urinate myself and keep crying. He thought it was hilarious, but I finally tearfully told my mother how I felt (I could never talk to him; he scared me) and listened to her for once, gratefully. I still hate anything that feels like a tickle; to this day, something as innocent as a stray hair tickling the back of my arm produces a panicked response from me.
I guess that's why kids love me: I never over smother them and respect their wishes if they don't want to be kissed/hugged/tickled.
This is exactly what I was about to post until I saw yours! I remember hating that feeling of helplessness when my dad tickled me even after I asked him to stop, to the point of tears, and I still do to this day-- the feeling of violating my own bodily rights, in a non-sexual or sexual way. I feel like spanking is the same thing. It is not just the infliction of physical pain-- it is the violation that makes it so damaging.
Wonderfully well-put, especially:
"You can talk to me about anything" is a platitude. She's not stupid; she knows it's a platitude. She knows it's a platitude because she sees that you don't want to deal with the questions when she raises them.
So true; you can say the words and have them have no meaning; I know that's how it was in my family. Once, at my mother's obvious discomfort and avoidance in me asking her about the G-spot, I got so angry I said "Would you rather I be learning about it from the neighbor boys?" I know I'm pretty open about sex, but seriously- suck it up, parents.
Also, it amazes me that anatomy is a squirm-point for so many people. I've written about it before.
How is it hard to answer simple fact questions about genital anatomy? Those ought to be the ground balls! Are people ashamed not to know themselves? Are they worried that it'll go over their kid's heads? Maybe, but there has to be more at work there. It just goes to show that information is not value-neutral. Just naming the parts of the body legitimizes them; refusing to name them delegitimizes them.
I believe many parents are too naiive and think that while other adolescents may be or become sexually active theirs will not. Sadly they do not give their children much needed information and support in their sexual growth. My parents never talked to me about sex and i believe this affected me negatively. Parents can't expect schools to pick up their slack, as mine certainly did not. If all parents talked to their kids about safe sex, the problem of STDs and teen pregnancy could be greatly alleviated. Parents need to wake up and be more realistic about adolescents and their sexual activity. Yes, even their child is doing it.
Yes!! Great post.
Seriously, if you have kids and you're too uncomfortable to answer their sex questions, get them a book. My mum got me a book that was like 200 pgs with colour pictures. :) Sure its better to be open and not make them ashamed, but handing them a book is better than handing them nothing. You can't leave it to the schools if you're in America, from what I hear...
For any parents looking for GOOD sex ed for their kids in the U.S., look into the OWL program, sponsored by both Unitarian Universalism and the United Church of Christ. It is a 26-session program intended for 7th-9th grade that covers things like anatomy, sexual orientation, relationships, contraception, parenting, and rape/exploitation.
I teach this program as a UU, and I don't include much in the way of religious stuff other than talking about how to treat others and how to honor their own values. (UU in general doesn't impose religious beliefs, for those who don't know much about it.)
I wish all kids could have a program like this!
For any parents looking for GOOD sex ed for their kids in the U.S., look into the OWL program, sponsored by both Unitarian Universalism and the United Church of Christ. It is a 26-session program intended for 7th-9th grade that covers things like anatomy, sexual orientation, relationships, contraception, parenting, and rape/exploitation.
I teach this program as a UU, and I don't include much in the way of religious stuff other than talking about how to treat others and how to honor their own values. (UU in general doesn't impose religious beliefs, for those who don't know much about it.)
I wish all kids could have a program like this!
That sounds like a GREAT resource. I think that as with many topics, the more voices a kid hears, the better, because the Parental Message only carries so much validity.
Even though I've been "nominated" to give a lot of my friends' kids the sex talk (this is such a dubious honor - honestly, you had sex to make the kid, now why can't you talk about it??), I'm going to look into this program when mine are old enough to participate. Thanks!
Good call! I actually took sex ed in the church the first year it was OWL, and prior to that as well. Having grown up in California, I got a pretty good sex ed education at school, but OWL allowed me to intimately ask questions, seek my own answers and be treated like human beings, rather than a kid who knew nothing. With that, it also allowed us to be introspective about sex, our gender and identities. In short, OWL helped me become the feminist I am today.
There's actually also an OWL program for adults! Not as widely talked about, but adults who wish to discuss sexuality can also do so!
Regardless, thanks for teaching the kiddies!
This is why I'm going to have a very specific and frank discussion with my kids about sex, when I have them. And afterwards, I'll make them write everything important down and keep it as a guidebook. I had a terrible sex education--Neither my parents nor my school were interested in relaying that particular information. Ended up finding out stuff on the internet.
I'm surprised I'm as sane as I am...
Without the internet, I would have been DOOMED. That is how I found out absolutely everything. I'm the kind of girl that got their period when they were in elementary school but DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE HAD A VAGINA. That essential part of my anatomy was never brought up. Ever. All my mom said about my period was "Just stick a pad on your underwear whenever that happens." I had no idea what it actually was or where it was coming from. It amazes me to this day.