An acquaintance of mine has recently had a baby, as well as someone in my family. Naturally, this has caused me to think about childrearing a lot and contemplate what my own childrearing techniques would be. As a feminist and someone who holds gender fluidity very close to their heart though, I find myself being critical about every single baby-raising process. I've made this rant countless times before on personal blogs, but I'd like some input from the community at this point.
It's so peculiar to me, how even from the moment a child is born, a gender identity is forced upon it by everyone around. For example, if the baby is a female, they put a fuzzy little pink hat on its head and start feminizing her from the moment she pops out of her mother's vagina. The moment the doctor sees a penis-less baby and says "It's a girl!" people already have preconceived notions of what that means. They envision a little princess that they can force to wear frilly dresses. They imagine the tea sets and doll houses that will be in her near future.
This becomes even worse when parents find out the sex of their baby before it is born with an ultrasound. Now, even BEFORE the baby is born, it is already being socialized into its predetermined gender role. The frilly dresses are already bought. The baby shower was filled with pink ribbons and the cake had little pink roses on it. Some family member may have already bought her a baby princess outfit or cheerleader uniform. The walls in her bedroom have daisies painted all over them and her mobile has little pink ponies on it.
Parents create expectations for their child the moment the sex is known. You never see onesies with sports equipment on them for female babies. You never paint their bedroom walls blue, for fear that everyone will think she is a boy. The children are raised with these expectations ingrained in them, therefore making it harder for them to explore their identity in the future without massive confusion or backlash from everyone around them. It is these kinds of attitudes that children learn from the time they're babies that encourage homophobia, or simply otherization of the "tomboys" and the shy, feminine boys that may not even end up identifying as gay or transgender.
It is for these reasons that I probably will not want to know the sex of my [hypothetical] baby before it is born. I don't want to be the kind of parent that forms expectations for how my my child will be based on its genitalia... and as a product of gender socialization myself, I don't think I could avoid it entirely. If I don't know the sex, I won't be spending my time thinking about the child's future with a gender-specific outlook. It will also deter me from hoping for one sex over another. I will learn to love it based on the fact that it is mine, and I can simply look forward to having a child, whether it be male or female.
If it is a male, I don't want the baby shower to be filled with relatives giving me only blue, sports-themed clothing and blankets. I doubt my conservative/traditional relatives would understand this logic, so simply saying "I don't know the sex" is an easy escape from it. It would be way too hard to explain: "Please don't only guy blue clothes for my baby. I don't want him to be socialized into masculinity at such an early age because that could really mess up his chances at having an open mind." They'd be really confused... and would probably buy only blue outfits anyway because "baby boys are supposed to wear blue!"
Those are some very obvious ways that babies get socialized into gender roles. But, I'd like to point out that there are less obvious ways that create an impact easily comparable in significance. One thing that I have come to believe creates a huge impact on gender expectations, though it is something so very common, is a child's name. It seems like something as simple as a child's name creates gender-based expectations for it. You'd never name a female child "Juliette Marie" if you didn't have a subconscious desire for the female baby to be very feminine, for example. This can be very frustrating for children, because if their gender identity doesn't end up lining up with the connotation of their name, they can feel like something is wrong with them.
This thought has lead me to decide that I want to try to wean myself away from using gender-specific names for my hypothetical children and instead embrace unisex forms of baby names. I see this as pretty reasonable - unisex names seem to allow for any type of gender expression. And if the child soon settles into their gender identity and they seem to fit into either part of the gender dichotomy, they can always take on a feminine/masculine nickname that they feel expresses who they are in an accurate way.
There are so many little things that I get so paranoid about. All these ideas sound good... hypothetically. But I fear that they won't actually work. I fear that I will raise my female child to be stereotypically feminine out of convenience. I fear that, if I didn't, she would be harassed relentlessly and she would eventually resent me for it. No matter how hardcore I am about feminism, the idea of my hypothetical children getting hurt scares me.
As I think about these kinds of ideas for my future children, I become very confused. Are these expectations too high to accomplish? Is it impossible to keep children away from gender socialization? If I give in and dress my female baby only in pink for the sake of convenience, have I failed as a mother? Am I insane for even thinking so hard about this?
I have no answers... which is why I probably won't have children for a very, very long time.
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I don't know if you can escape it, really. When the kid is a baby you can put them in orange or yellow or something, and no other kids will make fun of them. But then elementary school rolls around...
I remember when I was 6 or 7 I was made fun of for having black running shoes. All the girls wore white, all the boys wore black, so obviously, those shoes made me grow a penis. :|
I like the idea of unisex names, too.
Kids pick the weirdest stuff (like shoes) to make a big deal about. I got a lot of crap for my backpacks and stuff. I always had the more masculine-looking ones that were blue and black and had Power Rangers on them. But I soon saw all the other girls had pink and purple backpacks and so I switched to avoid getting laughed at. :/ It's so hard being a kid that doesn't fit in. That's why i feel like I might be failing my kid if I let them explore their gender and then they get harassed relentlessly by everyone...
Elementary school? Hell, I'm in high school and I still hear comments like, (and this is a direct quote), "You're too masculine. You should be more girly."
I do remember it being particularly difficult in elementary school, though. I think that a lot of kids start to become aware of what other people think of them around 5th or 6th grade. At least, that was the case for me. It's like what Jennabun said about how she got a pink and purple backpack to avoid getting laughed at. Kids pick some weird shit to tease and pressure each other about, and not every kid -- even if they're advanced enough to realize that they're being subject to peer pressure -- is able to stand up and defy their classmates' ideas of how they should be.
I agree that children are highly socilized to be the 'right' gender (aka the gender that agrees with their sex organs). Parents even percive babies differently based on if they are told the baby is a girl or a boy. I highly recommend Valian's "Why So Slow?" It has a ton of eye-opening research on how society and parents shape gender in childen. She notes what people compliment children on and how compliments differ by gender. It is a great book.
Joan
Thanks! I will definitely look for that.
As a mother of two boys I am now wholly convinced that the pink/blue debacle is entirely concocted by manufacturers who want to avoid hand-me-down situations. If they convince us that pink is for girls/blue is for boys then your pink bike can't be passed down to a brother or a blue tshirt to a sister (or cousins as in our family).
This holds true for frilly pink bassinettes/snowsuits and even now bloody heck, sports equipment. Ignore it.It's a conspiracy:)
I have two sons and a feminist firefighter husband. One son in infancy and toddlerhood had a nanny, one son has been a daycare kid. Interestingly enough the daycare kid is very adamant about the ascribed pink and blue order of things. The nannyied child is extremely openminded. It appalled me to see pink and blue signs used in daycare to denote boys and girls (easier for pre-readers I was told). As a result I combat my second son's pronouncements often.
Is it impossible to avoid the socialization? Maybe. But if you continuously defragment it for the kids the message sinks in. You will also fight this battle in some form in toys/clothes/food which are emblazoned with cartoon characters etc. and with monitoring you hopefully will have sceptical kids who say "They're just trying to make me buy that".
Expose your kids to women who are firefighters, male nurses, female hockey players, Hillary and Sotomayor, a father figure who cooks and cleans without looking for a medal, and keep telling them that society tells us things that suits society and society is often wrong. Shatter stereotypes everywhere you see them.
It's tough but it's very doable.
My kids, through no forethought by us at all, have unisex names. It's only recently we realized that. There was no hidden agenda. It causes minimal confusion and no teasing. I wouldn't worry to much there.
The fact that you are putting so much thought in to all this and that you don't want your future kids hurt shows me that you would be a great parent.
That's my book of a reply:) HTH
Yay for awesome, long comments :) I'm happy to have an experienced mother's input. I'm glad you're succeeding at having open-minded children. At least now I know someone else is thinking like me and trying to act on it.
All your advice is wonderful. Thanks!
I think I'd just try to buy mostly neutral colored things, and then if they end up with some pink and blue things too its no big deal.
More important is to discuss this stuff while the kids are growing up.
I think I remember reading that pink was a "boy" color up until the 20th century or so. I agree. Its all bull.
these are definitely things i think about. i love gender neutral names anyways- taylor and sawyer especially. and i think i would want to find out the sex (more like, genitals) of my baby while it's still in me because i want to know everything about my baby! i just will try not to overvalue this bit of information, and i will probably not tell anyone else aside from my partner until the baby is born.
after that, i'm going to work hard to surround my kid with 'boy' and 'girl' toys, food, activities, movies etc, so that my kid can decide what he she or ze likes. and i know society at large will be forcing some ideas on hir (using this simply as a gender neutral pronoun, not because i am hoping or not hoping for a gender-neutral-pronoun-using-kid) but i'll encourage hir to question those as much as possible too.
all that said, i'm undecided about whether i want to give birth to kids and i am certain that i want to adopt. so portions of this will probably not apply, in my case.
I like how you plan on exposing them to both "boy" and "girl" toys. I think that is the best way to go so that they get the idea that they can play and act however they like. The only issue there is my parents and other relatives would probably be like, "WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM PLAY WITH DOLLS OMGWTF!?!?!?!?" I might just have to keep my babies away from my entire family so that they don't brainwash it :(
It's amazing to me how much outright superstition there is in our society about blue and pink. I once heard a classmate of mine (a male engineering student) talking about how his (male) cousin had a pink skateboard - but he thought it was "OK" because it wasn't actually on his person - if it had been pink shoes, it would have made the cousin "gay"! I was appalled, first of all at the juxtaposition of "OK" as the opposite of "gay," but also just that adult, educated people can actually think things like this! It's just a color!
It's not just men or young people either. For a while I worked a job as tech-support, going out to people's houses/dorms on campus and fixing computers. It was always interesting to see things in the Family Apartments. One incident which really surprised me was when I was over fixing this woman's computer and her some (maybe 5 or 6 years old) was at home watching cartoons on TV. Every so often, the TV would go to commercial - and if it was GI Joe or Power Rangers or toy airplanes, she didn't say anything. But as soon as Barbie or My Little Pony or a doll or something came on, it was "Don't watch that! That's for girls!" and almost in a panic she would change the channel, horrified that he might show any interest in such things. A couple of times the kid seemed to enjoy annoying his mom by sitting and watching a few seconds without changing the channel to get his mother all worked up - it was like she thought it was the equivalent of him playing in the street!
Anyway, I think that just thinking about these things is the best way to figure out how to deal with them, and it sounds like you've thought about it a lot! Often, things aren't as "subtle" as we'd like to believe, which I think is why there is so much of this still floating around our society today.
All of those experiences would have disgusted me! People can be so ridiculous about the littlest things. I, personally, want to know what is so inherently feminine about a pony. IT'S A BABY HORSE. So what? The same about dolls... what is inherently feminine about playing with human-being-shaped toys? It is so weird. I just don't get it. Society likes to make up weird rules.
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry--The young equestrian in cannot let it go! A baby horse is a foal, or filly or colt. A pony is just essentially an adult horse that is under a certain height, originating from different lines.
Although that is interesting when you think about it. I think horses and ponies are essentially considered "girl" things anyway (unless it is a wild mustang!) but the fact that ponies, the horse that is smaller in stature, are even more "girly" is kind of telling.
""Don't watch that! That's for girls!" and almost in a panic she would change the channel, horrified that he might show any interest in such things. "
That is insane that a mother would do that. Its like she's okay with inferiorizing her own gender! I would like to see a study or a investigative book done about how parents, namely mothers, raise their sons in relation to gender identity. That crap is appalling!
1) I have a feeling that if you try (not in an obsessive way) things will turn out ok.
2) I recommend not trying to be perfect. I also recommend taking a look at this series: http://www.ordinarycourage.com/my-blog/2008/6/1/the-gifts-of-imperfect-parenting-blog-series.html
3) No matter what the gender of your child is, what makes them be able to critique these gender roles is confidence, critical thinking, and learning to be authentic. Even if they were pink for a whole year, they will be able to resist prescribed gender roles in the long run if they love themselves, learn to be authentic, and to think independently.
4) disclaimer: I don't have a child myself so take my advice with a grain of salt:)
It's not easy, and the results won't even be close to perfect, but it's worth the effort to keep things as neutral &/or open as possible.
After they're babies, kids make their own decisions anyway. My daughter vacillates between rejecting pink/purple/glitter and embracing it. Peers, teachers, and other relatives restrict and her self-definition, but from me she has freedom. She's always had trucks and dolls and robots and dress-up stuff. Same will be true for my baby son.
Great post. I think one of the big reasons for the constant public gendering of babies is that all babies essentially look the same and it's hard to tell boys and girls apart -- and therefore people get stressed out that someone might briefly think that their baby boy is a girl or vice-versa.
And yet, what's the big deal here? If you're going to know the person for a while, then you can just politely correct them as to your baby's sex, but otherwise, what does it matter if someone on the street thinks your baby is a girl when it's not? My parents largely dressed me in a non-gendered way as a baby (my dad hates both overtly girly and boyish stuff), and, especially because my hair took a long time to grow in, apparently people thought I was a boy often when they first saw me. But it didn't create any kind of huge burden for my parents, and I am no worse the wear for it.
OK, you ready for an angrymaking bit of gendering? Have you seen the Baby Bangs website? My Lord! http://www.babybangshairband.com/index2.php Emblazoned on one page, in huge letters, is the phrase "I'm not a boy!", so one of their main target markets seems to be parents who would be horrified that their infant daughter was thought to be a boy. Heaven forfend!
My mom dressed me in a lot of overalls when I was little, I think largely out of practical concerns: when and if she had another kid, she could reuse the clothes more easily. I have a little brother, so this ended up being quite practical indeed.
I've been thinking about similar things as my husband and I consider having kids as soon as we have a bit more money. I don't know whether I'll want to know the sex of my baby, but I think I may tell people I don't know so I can avoid a tidal wave of pink or blue crap from well-meaning relatives at a baby shower.
I worry about things further down the road, when my children go to preschool and kindergarten and are exposed to peers who may have more strict gender guidelines. But I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it!
That baby bangs stuff is SO WEIRD. I don't see why baby girls need more hair. People are so insecure. It is truly upsetting.
I have a 3 year old son, and you're right, it's a constant struggle. Before he was born I didn't want to know the sex, but my husband got all excited about knowing so I gave in. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law drove me crazy with statements like "tell us as SOON as you know the sex, because we want to know what clothes to buy!!!" Argh. So I made it known, as gently as I could, that I didn't want everything to be blue. My MIL developed a sudden interest in sage green, which is supposedly a neutral color in the baby world.
But more broadly, I struggle with balancing two things: my committment to a non-binary conception of gender, and my desire for my son to not be completely socially inept and possibly in physical danger. I'm feeling it out as I go. Like I said, he's three, so it's not a big deal at this point. He's in a licensed home daycare, which is run by a gem of a woman who doesn't think about gender in a sociological way, but who just doesn't care what you dress anyone in because it's going to get peed on soon anyway, and hand-me-downs are cheaper. We've had discussions about how I feel about really strict gendering, and I feel comfortable about my son being in that environment. At home, he has mostly neutral toys. The problem is, a lot of supposedly neutral toys can end up being considered masculine- even primary colored blocks and Legos and things, once there's a pink & sparkly purple version out there, can be considered boys only. So, I buy him some sparkly purple stuff. If we're at a store (which is rare), I follow his interests and watch what he's having fun playing with, and go with that. When he visits his grandparents, my parents, he and his male cousin get to play with the toys my mom saved from when I was young- me and my two sisters. My mom also bought them some dollhouses at Goodwill, and both boys play with them regularly. (And yes, I have liberal parents, which helps a lot).
In addition to toys, there's the very important parenting aspect of what behavior to reward and what to punish or ignore. So I try very hard to be sure I reward him for caretaking play, like hugging a doll or tucking his teddy bear in for a nap. I get him to help me, at his own speed, with laundry and cooking and other household tasks. When he watches me put on jewelry, I tell him the names (bracelet, necklace, ring) and let him try them on. When he sees me painting my nails and sticks out a little finger and says "my turn!" I oblige. Whether he keeps doing these things into adulthood is his choice, but I'm hoping that these kind of bonding activities with his Mommy will help him have a point of reference for femininity that doesn't involve an "eww, gross!" factor.
Finally, I think it will be very important as he gets older and more able to understand to explain to him that not every place is as safe to explore as our home is. That he is free and welcome to dress, act, and talk anywhere along the gender continuum at home, but that when he goes out into the world it will be more difficult and there will be consequences, so he will have to make some important decisions. This won't be easy, but it won't be completely out of left field, either. We're already working on different rules for inside and outside the house: we can't go to a restaurant in nothing but a diaper, say be polite to strangers, say excuse me if you burp or fart, etc etc. I hope I can do this well enough to get that balance I mentioned waaaaay up at the top of this ridiculously long comment, between social competence and the freedom to explore and be himself.
It is a struggle indeed. I have a 4 year old son who will be 5 in September. It't the prime age for gender politics among kids. Boys do X, girls do Z, and that's it. It's all reenforced by well-meaning relatives and teachers, too. I think the children come at it innocently. Ever talk to a 4 year old? They are very rigid and literal in their thinking.:) Just yesterday, I blew my son's mind when I told him that men didn't HAVE to become dads (nor women moms), that there were just grown-ups with no kids. He just sees his little world and thinks that the whole world is just like that. Can you blame him? He has no frame of reference. It's like the Allegory of the Cave, and your job as parent is to show them reality. Daunting! :)
As feminist as I am, I do like being feminine and am quite girly with my preference for dresses, cute bobs and big ol' jewelry. I enjoy it. I am hesitant to eschew my female side as mere social programming; I would hate to go down the road of anything feminine=BAD that's shared with so many in society.
In parenting, my son is definitely showing "male" socialization. He's loud, boisterous, talks about "killing" and "poop" and he burps/farts with impunity! But, he also loves my perfume and makeup, kisses other boys on the mouth just as readily as girls (with no "gay shaming"), tenderly pets caterpillars and shows a lot of compassion for babies. He uses the word "love" just as often as the other ones. :)
In other words, he is himself, and I realized that he could be a daughter and be the same and it would be just fine. I only ask myself this: "Am I dis/encouraging this because he is a boy? Would I dis/encourage this is he were a girl?" For instance, if I encourage my son to jump in puddles, it's not "because he's a boy", and I wouldn't discourage a daughter from getting dirty.
Really, I don't actively fight something unless it's particularly egregious (like nipping my husband's disparaging comments about my son's too-long hair being "like a girl's", trying to scare him into getting a haircut. Grr.) Other than that, I want my son to be free to be who he is, and if he starts repeating stereotypes he hears about gender someday, we'll keep the dialogue open. Like SocialogicalMe, I too realize that I do not want my son ostracized or harrassed. These are realities we parents must face. But I do want him to be always questioning what he sees and hears.
I definitely love hearing these little stories about people's children :) It seems like you are going about parenting your child they way I would. Good luck with him in the future!
Well said.
Your experience and mine are almost identical
"Ever talk to a 4 year old? They are very rigid and literal in their thinking.:) "
Not all. I wasn't. I opted out of playing 'house' when I was in preschool. The females did 50's type things, ie, cooking the man his meals, not working, ect, and the males did stereotypical things. I was confused. Couldnt a woman work? And why in 'house' did none of the females have careers? I ended up declaring myself the thief and stealing everything from the playhouse and stuffing it inside a giant car tire, until the teacher came over and told me to put it all back. I didnt, until she told me again and I just abandoned it to the players to take it back. I wasnt putting it back! And this was in 1988!
Well, maybe it's just mine. His dad's the same way, lol.
Though he's rigid and literal, it doesn't yet reflect society's stereotypes. My son regards women working as "normal", because I do and always have. He regards men cooking as "normal", because my husband does the cooking.
Back when I was in my early 20s, a 4 year old girl and I were playing with some toys when she asked me, "Are you a kid??"
I said, "Nope."
"Are you a mommy?" she then asked.
"Uuuh, no!"
She had the most puzzled look on her face when she said "Well, what ARE you then?!"
I laughed. Because in her family, there weren't any young adults (she had no cousins and only one older brother). All females were either kids, or mommies. Anything else was just unheard of. :)
So, I guess 4 year olds in my experience are rigid according to their own experiences. But not all, of course.
I agree that I think the majority of kids are X and Y. I'm just saying that sometimes a rare kid wont be-and will probably be posting on this site in some years!
Great post! I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant, and the attempt to gender my poor fetus has already begun! Everyone wants to know if we're finding out the sex so that they can begin buying pink or blue. I've been pretty firm on not sharing the sex (we'll find out, because my spouse is nosy and said he can't wait if he knows he can fin out earlier - but we won't reveal until after it's born). These are generally progressive, feminist type folks who are a bit dismayed that any pre-natal gifts they buy won't be appropriately gendered.
I don't think I realized how deeply ingrained the gendering of infants is until I shared with my (progressive, feminist) best friend that we were planning a dinosaur or pirate theme for the baby's room. "But what if it's a girl?" she cried. And I was like, "Uhhh ... girls can like dinosaurs! And pirates! I freaking love dinosaurs and pirates!"
It really does freak me out, and I've begun telling folks that we're keeping the sex a secret because I don't plan on giving birth to a princess or a jock. I'd like to get to know the kid a bit before we make such pronouncements.
My spouse and I are very committed to creating a safe space in our home for varied gender expression, and the ability to pick and choose what the child likes, not what is expected because of genitalia.
I fantasize about having a Baby X, but I don't think I could keep the secret too long! ;)
Hahaha the room with dinosaurs are pirates sounds AWESOME! I know plenty of girls who would have loved that, including myself :P I hope you have a wonderful life with your baby!
Congratulations on your baby!
In my experience this is a huge issue for strangers and casual acquintances, but not for your friends and family. When my daughter was 3 months old it dawned on me that the main reason for all the gender-normative crap is that people want to be able to comment on your baby to you, but if they get the gender wrong they are so freaked out and embarassed and think you're going to be uber-offended. Then they almost become hostile toward you because you had the audacity to show your face in public with a baby in gender-neutral clothes with a gender-neutral name. As if you were trying to set them up for this awkward exchange or something.
My daughter is 18 months now and my stepdaughter is 5 and we tend to dress them in totally gender-neutral stuff. This is really hard to do because it's hard to find anything without either a princess/butterfly/heart or balls/trucks/robots on them. We actually have a thing for robots, so they both have several shirts with robots - always in "masculine" colors, of course. It's also frustrating that certain characters that my stepdaughter loves (like Shrek, Nemo, Spongebob, Cars, etc) are marketed to kids of both genders, but the clothing is only marketed to boys. So if she wants underwear with Shrek instead of Princesses, she has to wear boys underwear. Needless to say, almost all of her underwear is boys underwear. So far one kid at school has pointed that out and teased her, which she seems to have responded to very well.
So I think one thing you can do is equip them with responses to teasing and claims that girls have to like pink/princesses/hearts. When I talk with her about the princess movies and books, I tell her that I dislike them because they tell you things that aren't true - like the most important thing about a girl is her appearance, every woman should make it her central goal to catch a man, etc. When she asked me if an adult who told her that girls like princesses was lying, I answered "no, I think she just made a mistake." She latched onto this immediately and has already told a couple of people that they made a mistake when they told her something along these lines. And a calm response like this does a lot to end teasing. So I think the most important thing you can do in this area is to help them become critical thinkers about gender, and then at some point you just let them make their own choices about what they wear (with the exception of really offensive stuff like shorts with "hottie" printed on the ass and anything with the bratz on it).
Incidentally, my partner and I had several gender-neutral names picked out. In the end I agonized between Quinn and Elliot, because I loved them both and my partner liked them equally, but we went with Quinn because my mom didn't like Elliot for a girl. I think it would have been cute, but am glad we went with Quinn.
I loooove the name Elliot for a girl. Or a boy. It is just an adorable name. Thinking about this inspired me to make a list of all the unisex names I liked and that one was definitely on it.
Like the boy in E.T.
For some odd reason I think that this might be the reason why my sister refuses to wear anything but dresses and is now stuck in this disney princess phase. She's going to turn 3 soon and I'm still wondering how she's going to be at 16...Very good point though.
Great post. Gender identity in young kids is a topic that really fascinates me.
It's so hard to predict what sort of things will work and what won't, you know? My girlfriend's little cousin is 5 years old. His parents are very liberal, open-minded people who encourage their son to be whatever he wants to be. I've heard them telling him things like, "No, not every girl likes pink" or "Some boys don't like race cars", etc. And yet, just about every sentence that comes out of his mouth? "Boys are better than girls! Boys are stronger! Boys can have jobs and girls can't! Girls can't play sports, only boys can!"
I guess maybe he picked it up from his friends at school or something, but I always got the impression that the parents sort of had the last word with a kid that young. Bear in mind that this kid absolutely worships his Dad and thinks that he knows everything, so I would think that if one of his little classmates said, "Girls can't play sports" and then his Dad told him, "Yes, girls can play sports," then he would be more apt to side with his Dad because he sees him as an All-Knowing Grownup.
This is always the example that comes to mind when I think of gender identity and gender roles being forced upon children. This little boy's parents are such progressive people and whenever they talk to him, all I hear is them being very positive and trying hard to teach him that stereotypes about women, minorities, LGBT folks, etc. aren't true and should never be used because they're disrespectful. Despite all this, I have never seen a little kid who was so aggressive in asserting that "Boys do this and girls do that." It's very interesting (and a little troubling) to me.
Or maybe society's sexism is so overwhelming that it squishes parents efforts?
But I agree, I would wonder to why it is he's acting that way. Is the father being as proactive in real life? One wonders...?
This is the sort of issue that new mothers worry about, and only for their first child.
I am the father of a son and three daughters, and I am certain children gender themselves. I couldn't force my son to play with dolls anymore than I could prevent my daughters from doing it.
As a parent, the big concerns are that they play well together, play well with their friends and are not exposed to too much stuff that will scare them.
The fact that some people are not sure if they are boys or girls... honestly, it doesn't even rate in comparison with making sure they are have a balanced diet.
As for the name issue - as a parent, you have a choices in that you can make life easy or difficult for your kids. Just remember how you felt when your parents made something 'healthy' or 'educational'.
When you look back fondly on your childhood, what did your parents do that value? Start with what your parents did, make a couple of improvements, and hopefully you will be able to complain about the terrible job your sons and daughters are doing with your grandkids.
Worrying about diet and gender identity are not mutually exclusive. That comment doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Of course it is important the child's primary needs are met, but saying something is more important doesn't really seem like an argument.
I think it is still an issue that should be thought about and acted upon. The reason society is so heterosexist and rigid in gender structure is because so many people are apathetic and decide not to care, and just go with the flow of the society. You say that children gender themselves, but how do you know that is true unless you are proactive in your parenting approach to these issues? Did your sons end up masculine because he was inherently masculine or because he was taught to be that way through the world around him?
I'm sorry if it feels like I am attacking you, I really don't want to be. I am just genuinely confused and I'm trying to work out my feelings.
Right. Raising healthy kids is raising them free of gender roles and conformist constructs
You couldnt force me to play with dolls either. That doesnt mean I played 'like a boy.' Adults need to interpret these things differently. A Barbie can be an action figure and a G.I. Joe could be a doll. I also highly doubt that society and yourself didnt have either an overt or subtle influence on this 'gendering.'
"A Barbie can be an action figure"
haha! So true! My barbie liked to go sky diving (down our stairs )until she had a little mishap and her head popped off. :(
Any Barbies I got (the bane of presents for a "tomboy")always got decapitated and the heads filled with bath water.
'Tis the season for baby showers!
Some of my friends have their color themes as green and yellow instead of pink or blue.
I think it's awesome to read about parents wanting their kids to grow-up in a gender neutral environment. And being well equipped with comebacks for people who give you a hard time is necessary! :-)
When I was little, I went through a phase where I wouldn't wear dresses. Pink was my favorite color for awhile, now it's blue. I guess kids ultimately decide for themselves!
Great posts, you all!
I'm a soon-to-be mom with a little boy on the way and I agree it is soo difficult to buy baby stuff that isn't distinctly gendered. We've been buying the "neutral" layettes and things that are patterned with lots of bright colors and animals simply because we figure cartoon animal figures don't really have a prescribed gender role.
I must say that the hardest thing though is conversations with family and friends who have already labeled this tiny person as being exceedingly masculine based on his in uteri movements (he's very active) but I have a hard time believing that female fetuses aren't equally good kickers. I'm torn about saying things like "this one might be a soccer player" because people assume I've assigned his gender role already, when in reality I'm the athlete in our family and played soccer for 15 years, while his father is the complete opposite.
Additionally, we've got the complication of raising a bi cultural child in a very closed area of the US. It's so many things to think about. My husband and I are struggling the look for ways that we'll be able to introduce our child to both of his very distinct ethnic backgrounds, while encouraging an open world view that is in many ways counter both of these backgrounds.
This parenting thing is so confusing and it hasn't really even started yet!