Dear greeting card companies,
Mother's Day is supposed to be a celebration of our mothers. Instead, for me, each year is a study in angst inspired in large part by your total ignorance of a variety of mothers, mothering styles, and family compositions.
First of all, I have multiple mothers. They know about each other. Even if they didn't know about each other, I wouldn't send a card that said "you're the best mother in the world" because I don't play favorites. I appreciate each of them for the contribution they made, and continue to make, to my life.
Second, the contribution they made to my life was not a permanent role in it. The cards that actually detail the ways in which mothers are important inevitably assume that she has always been there. Yet mine couldn't always be a part of my life because my father wouldn't let them. It would be immeasurably cruel to send any of them a card that says anything about always being there, supporting me throughout my life, watching me grow through all of the stages of childhood, etc. That would be like punishing them for my far-from-perfect family . A mother doesn't have to be there at every moment to be worthy of celebration on this designated day.
For this same reason, I despise the cards that say "you're my best friend." My mothers aren't - we just aren't that close - and they don't need to be anyway to still be a vital element in my life. My mothers were mothers to me, not friends, and mothering doesn't require friendship to be significant. Also, at this point at least, the idea of friendship with them seems presumptuous.
That doesn't leave me much.
That leaves cutesy, "feminine" pap like "All we want is peace on earth and cute shoes." There is far more to my, and my mothers', lives than cute shoes.
There are further details that I must use that narrow down my choices even further, if I am going to be true to the relationship I have with my individual mothers.
And ultimately, I am left with not much. The only cards that work for me, after all of these considerations, are bland and generic. For someone who loves to give funny cards or something with a little more personality, especially, the options are too limited for my taste. I can't imagine I'm the only one, either, considering contemporary trends in families .
It's sad that there seem to be only about 4 kinds of cards available for Mother's Day when there are so many different mothers in the world. We can't all squeeze our mothers into these boxes, and many of us wouldn't want to. Of course there is a limit on how personalized a store-bought card can be, but if we judged American mothers by the selection of Mother's Day cards in the Hallmark aisle, we might come away thinking that motherhood is a very limited and limiting role to play.
Next year, I am making my own cards. At least then I know that they will get something that applies to the most basic standards of my mother-daughter relationships.
In other words, until you can drag yourself into the 21st Century, you won't get any more of my money.
Sincerely,
wax_ghost
(Cross-posted at What If )
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Dear Greeting Card Companies.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/13638
This is an excellent post. A similar problem exists if you have multiple parents that live together, and want to send them a card collectively for a holiday. The most I've ever seen that recognizes anything other than the nuclear het family are cards that have "To Mom and Step-Dad" and "To Dad and Step-Mom." Needless to say, that doesn't even begin to cover the possibilities...
Absolutely. That's a great point, Lance.
I wrote a poem for my mother, a vignette, and sent it to her along with a google street map of the place where I always used to visit her, and go to the local cafe.
They've since torn the building down, but the steps are still there.
I wonder if Hallmark can beat that.
I think the message we should be taking from this is not that greeting cards need to be more inclusive - it's that they never can be. They are by definition impersonal and generic.
Agreed!! Buy a blank card or make your own from scratch.
I have a 'Leave it to Beaver' family and its still hard to find cards.
The problem with that is that unfortunately, not all of us are together enough or have enough time to make our own (especially when there are multiple women to send them to!). I was totally going to do it this year but couldn't and ended up having to resort to e-cards since they were the only thing that would get there in time.
Hopefully I will have time next year.
I used to work for a company that did animation and e-cards...I did some of the card art and web-design stuff. But I didn't get to come up with the ideas, I was told what to do by the art director, and I just did it. But I always thought that it would be an awesome idea to start my own site with e-cards that tried to represent all types of people out there. Not just mothers, but fathers, couples, relationships, friends, children, basically anyone - but the idea would be to try as best as possible NOT to just create stereotypes, but to show as much variety and non-stereotypes as possible. Women and sports, women fixing cars, women and power tools, men with flowers, men cooking, men taking care of children, lgbt relationships, interracial relationships, families with more than one mommy or daddy, single parents...and so on. I'm so sick of stereotypical cards too...I'd love to see a bunch of feminists offering a site with better cards...I'll be the first to volunteer: I'll help out with the art and any website-design stuff!
And thanks for posting this, because I was thinking some of the same things as I was looking for an ecard for mother's day.
When I don't have time to make my own cards, I buy the "Blank Inside" cards that have some interesting/cute photo on the front. (I admit, the cards I send my grandmother pretty much always have puppies and kittens on the front, but at least I write my own messages).
Ann Jarvis, who started the tradition of Mother's Day, hated greeting cards (and commercialism of Mother's Day) and spent her life campaigning against them.
Okay, I can somewhat understand making a card generic, but they could at least make more than two types of messages for cards. Sure, they won't be able to cover every family situation, but as far as I can see the only recognition of non-traditional families that I ever see in card stands is maybe (and that's a big maybe) one or two cards addressed to step-moms.
I'd rather receive this post as a letter than a Hallmark card, anyway.
If you don't mind ecards, here are some beautiful, artistic ecards for Mother's Day, that may be suitable for various situations.
http://www.squidoo.com/mother-day-ecards
My daughter buys me a Mother's Day card and my partner gets an Other's Day card. The kid just crosses out the M on a card she likes. Would definitely be nice if she didn't have to do that, though.
Please exercise your rights in our consumerist society by not purchasing cards. You can make a card using materials of your own liking (Starbucks bag? why not! Christmas paper? Sure!) You can write a phrase on the inside and be as specific as you want.
My mother carried me for 9 months in her womb. She raised me. I appreciate her more and more as I get older.
Did I mail her a card? Yes. I bought it at Target. It had a semi-cheesy phrase inside. And I called her yesterday and said, "Thank-you for giving birth to me." She laughed and told me about the lunch my sister made for her.
If I were to make my own card, it would say something like "You cleaned up after me when I threw up all night after eating pimento loaf. You were patient with me when I wanted to make my school skirt shorter. You didn't flip out when I thought I was pregnant. You missed many nights of sleep and clocked a lot of hours behind the wheel driving me to girl scouts. And I was ungrateful. I'm sorry for being a pain in your butt for the past 26 years."
Remember, Mother's Day is not about you. It's (supposed to be) about your Mother(s)!
I agree it would be great if Hallmark started really recognizing all the different kinds of families and people that are out in this world. That would be awesome.
But as far as what the actual cards SAY in them...that's way more tricky. I come from a "normal" family. One mom, one dad, me and my little brother. But yet I still can rarely ever find a card that says what I want it to say. So almost every time I buy a "blank inside" card and write my own message. That's what I did this Mother's Day and I wrote a long drawn out message. But sometimes when I can't think of anything more I just write "I Love You" and I think that's just fine too. You don't have to be Shakespeare or anything. Just say what you feel.
This is a really good post. Yes, we all know people with non-nuclear families can make their own cards, but the point is, they shouldn't have to. Good on you for calling out another manifestation of the patriarchy, no matter how small. Little things matter.
You have great ideas for Mother's day card. Why not sketch them up and send a letter to the card companies. They do pay for freelance ideas. Or, if you don't think there is a large enough market for them to be interested, you could always show them to your local card shops and see if they would care to order. (Certainly you know where your friends shop!) Blank cards can be bought at Staples, and run though any inkjet printer. We don't always have to wait for someone else to give us what we want. We can take charge ourselves.
Here's the thing. I think of refusing to buy greeting cards in general as a political action. Greeting card companies take something cool like Mother's Day or Valentine's Day and turn them into a materialistic shadow of what they could/should be. So fuck 'em. I make my own cards (it's really easy when you can just print up a basic card with a customized message and have your kids color/paint it for you), or don't send a card, but make a cool little website with photos and messages from the whole family (which is faster than making a paper card, for me) or whatever. But I refuse to give a penny to Hallmark for more shit to go in the landfill.
I dread having to buy Birthday or Mother's Day cards for my mom each year because of this very reason. I'm not close to my mom either, I love her but don't really "like" her and we definitely aren't friends. You're not going to find a Hallmark or American Greetings card expressing that kind of relationship. I skipped the card this year.
Why would anyone buy a hallmark card when you can make one for free and in less time than it takes to buy one with a pencil and paper? Or use e-mail?
Haha, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. I don't particularly like Hallmark cards (they're expensive, corny, and I'm skeptical of the company's environmental practices, although I haven't looked into the matter), but I don't think the fact that they make cards that say "Mom, you're my best friend" is a reason to dislike the company. So fucking what if your moms aren't actually your best friends?? Hello?? It's just a nice thing to say!
And about the "You're the best mother in the world" thing, I'm sorry, but Hallmark isn't going to put an asterisk next to it that says, "Oh wait, unless you have more than one mother." If you have more than one mother, just don't buy that particular card.
Third of all, I'm pretty sure that within my lifetime, I've come accross some Hallmark mothers day cards that would work for you. What about the ones that say "I love you mom"? Oh wait, are they supposed to put an "s" in parentheses just in case you have multiple moms?
Anyway, I can't believe I'm actually defending Hallmark (whose cards I usually find unbearable), but I think you're overreacting.
Haha, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. I don't particularly like Hallmark cards (they're expensive, corny, and I'm skeptical of the company's environmental practices, although I haven't looked into the matter), but I don't think the fact that they make cards that say "Mom, you're my best friend" is a reason to dislike the company. So fucking what if your moms aren't actually your best friends?? Hello?? It's just a nice thing to say!
And about the "You're the best mother in the world" thing, I'm sorry, but Hallmark isn't going to put an asterisk next to it that says, "Oh wait, unless you have more than one mother." If you have more than one mother, just don't buy that particular card.
Third of all, I'm pretty sure that within my lifetime, I've come accross some Hallmark mothers day cards that would work for you. What about the ones that say "I love you mom"? Oh wait, are they supposed to put an "s" in parentheses just in case you have multiple moms?
Anyway, I can't believe I'm actually defending Hallmark (whose cards I usually find unbearable), but I think you're overreacting.
Way to completely miss the point.
People that support organisations like NOM like to present themselves as loving and caring; good honest folk who just want the best for society. It's a charade. They are filled with hate, which is why they can't do any better than the vague accusations and recriminations they present in the ad above. doctoral degree AND Business management degree
I *CAN NOT* understand why married heterosexual couples think they are better than everyone and that they are entitled to things the rest of us are not. I'm straight, but I'm single, and I am SICK AND TIRED of heterosexual married couples claiming that they DESERVE the tax breaks, the benefits, the financial rewards, the government support and the DISCRIMINATION against everyone else. online Bachelors degree AND Online degrees AND Masters degree