This is the story of my abortion. If you're against abortion or you are easily grossed out by talk of graphic surgical procedures, don't read. :)
I had an abortion last month. It was probably the hardest choice I've ever had to make. I love children and I want to be a mother SO badly. Call me unfeminist if you will, but my dream is to have that white picket fenced house in the suburbs with a pack of kids, a husband, and a bunch of pets. I'm 21 years old, I don't have a steady job or a car or my own house, my boyfriend and I have only been together for 6 months, my health is crap, I'm a borderline alcoholic, yada yada yada. So really, bad time to have a baby. I am not a fan of adoption - I've heard far too many horror stories, and I couldn't send my baby out in the world to be raised by someone else who might not be a good parent. If anyone's going to fuck up my kids, it's going to be me!, and given my health and drinking, it would have been likely that I and/or my child would have been seriously damaged by the pregnancy.
So the choice was clear: abortion was the way to go. Even though deep down I knew that I just couldn't have a child right now, it really hurt to admit it, and I was terrified (irrationally so) that maybe the pro-lifers were right - I WOULD regret it forever, I WOULD have "post-abortion syndrome", I WOULD be smote by God, I would become infertile and get breast cancer and DIE, or something. I was also scared that it would hurt too much, physically, and I would die from blood loss or something. Surgery scares me, and considering I found out I was pregnant quite late due to my irregular periods (14 weeks) and wasn't able to get an appointment until nearly 16 weeks, it was a more invasive and risky procedure than if I had found out at say, 6 weeks and had it terminated at 8 weeks.
So, I went in to the clinic with my boyfriend, filled out a few forms, and went in to the "counseling room" with a kind young woman who explained the procedure and asked if I had any questions. I had checked the boxes on the form for birth control prescription (obviously the pill wasn't doing it for me, so I wanted to try something new) and pap smear, so she also explained a few different types of birth control and we settled on the nuvaring, which she wrote me a prescription for on the spot. I was a little shaky, so she gave me a hug as well.
After that, I continued on to the exam room, where the tech did a quick ultrasound and gave me a muscle relaxant and some sort of white, sharp sided pill (cytotec?) to put up my vagina to soften the cervix. Ick! This was the worst part of the procedure by far. The feeling just grossed me out. But somehow I survived, and after an hour of listening to White Snake in the "comfort room", I was led to the OR and I cracked grammar jokes with the nurse while she hooked me up to an IV. I honestly don't remember much after that, but apparently the procedure took a mere 5 minutes, and it didn't hurt at all. The nurse led me out to another waiting room and fed me juice and cookies, and I was allowed to rest for as long as I needed.
And....that's it! I felt pretty crappy for about 2 weeks afterward - I bled like a stuck pig for almost a week, my breasts were swollen to painful proportions, and my emotions were a total rollercoaster, but...it got better. I'm sitting here now feeling 100% okay with my choice. My abortion went totally by the book, I haven't been smote by a vengeful god, I'm not wracked with guilt, and my boyfriend and I are still together and happier than ever.
That's my happy abortion story. Does anyone else have one to share?
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There are very, very many stories like yours out there, mayfly. If anyone reading this post has not read Dr. Susan Wicklund's memoir, This Common Secret, by all means do so. (Dr. Wicklund is a long-time abortion provider. Her book is not a political diatribe, but stories about herself and her patients.) In fact, take the Gordon challenge: Next time you are in a bookstore or library, read the first chapter. It's only 8 pages, and if that doesn't convince you to read the rest of the book, nothing I say about it will convince you, either.
My best wishes to you and your boyfriend, mayfly.
I'm glad you made the right decision for yourself. I was a heroin addict when I became pregnant with my oldest (now 16 and awesome). I knew I was ready to get clean at that time, though. When I told my then-boyfriend, now-husband, he asked, "Do you wanna ace it?" I told him no, I was going to have it. That was the end of the discussion. Later that day, we decided we'd go ahead and get married, simply for the sake of legal issues. (This is really the only reason we got married. We adore each other, and are hotter for each other now than ever, but the legal part was a child custody issue, all the way.)
The next day, I was at the methadone clinic. (I could now get on quickly because I was pregnant. Only pregnancy and HIV got you around the months-long waiting list.) When I told them that my boyfriend was also using, they also put him on, sans waiting list. We've been on methadone maintenance now for over 17 years. I went through two pregnancies on it.
It was right for me, at that time, to have our daughter. If I had not been ready to get off dope, an abortion would have been the right choice. An abortion would have been the right choice if I was unsure of the man I was with. An abortion would have been the right choice if I was younger. I was 20 at that time and ready to get on with my life. Our daughter might have saved our lives, but we had to be ready and willing to let her be the reason we got clean. Not everyone is ready to do that, and I think you are awesome to realize that you were not.
Best of luck to you!
Wow! Thanks so much for sharing your story, too. It reminds me of my kid sister.
I'm glad you made the right decision for yourself. I was a heroin addict when I became pregnant with my oldest (now 16 and awesome). I knew I was ready to get clean at that time, though. When I told my then-boyfriend, now-husband, he asked, "Do you wanna ace it?" I told him no, I was going to have it. That was the end of the discussion. Later that day, we decided we'd go ahead and get married, simply for the sake of legal issues. (This is really the only reason we got married. We adore each other, and are hotter for each other now than ever, but the legal part was a child custody issue, all the way.)
The next day, I was at the methadone clinic. (I could now get on quickly because I was pregnant. Only pregnancy and HIV got you around the months-long waiting list.) When I told them that my boyfriend was also using, they also put him on, sans waiting list. We've been on methadone maintenance now for over 17 years. I went through two pregnancies on it.
It was right for me, at that time, to have our daughter. If I had not been ready to get off dope, an abortion would have been the right choice. An abortion would have been the right choice if I was unsure of the man I was with. An abortion would have been the right choice if I was younger. I was 20 at that time and ready to get on with my life. Our daughter might have saved our lives, but we had to be ready and willing to let her be the reason we got clean. Not everyone is ready to do that, and I think you are awesome to realize that you were not.
Best of luck to you!
Sorry about the double post. This site seems incredibly prone to that. Not only that, but after posting a comment, I literally have to open a different browser and load the page. Until I do that, the post doesn't show up. That often leads to the dreaded DP. Is there any way to deal with this--or at least allow us to edit/delete our own posts to get rid of accidental DPs?
G-d loves you.
I had an abortion when I was 21. Senior year of college, contraception failed. Being knocked up was a terrifying nightmare. I didn't want to have a baby. And so I had an abortion. I didn't feel guilty but a while after I felt this kind of nervous discomfort about the whole thing. I believe this was due to the fact that it was a scary and emotionally difficult thing to go through and my boyfriend, who had lost interest in me prior to me finding out I was pregnant, didn't provide me any support beyond the money (which he dragged his feet about). But, all that passed and I was fine. Now I have a son who I adore beyond comprehension. I don't regret my decision. I hope I never am faced with that decision again.
Mayfly, I'm really glad you're okay. Good for you for making a tough decision in a tough situation.
Here's mine. I was 24, in a solid relationship of 2+ years, step-mothering my SO's pretty damaged 10 year old while working 40+ hours a week in my first year as a licensed psychologist at a public mental health clinic and earning less than a first year teacher. (Yeah, all shrinks are rich and being a psychologist is the fast route to buckets of money. Now pull the other leg, please.) The contraception just failed, and I caught it when the all day, all night sickness (as opposed to morning sickness) gobsmacked me. Let me be clear -- this wasn't the vomit a few times in the morning and eat some crackers type of morning sickness -- it was like e coli, shigella and salmonella rolled into one neat little package. I couldn't keep water down. I cracked a rib vomiting so violently. I got at most 45 minutes of sleep at a stretch a night for weeks because of it. In my mind, my body was making it really damn clear it did not want to be growing a baby.
I had a supportive partner and it might have been a good idea to take 6 months from my career and focus on dear step-daughter (Hereafter, Kidlet) and baby (but you know that wouldn't happen; Kidlet did not need her life more disrupted because that's ALL she had ever known) but you know, when you're spending ten minutes of every hour communing with the porcelain gods, it's just not going to work. Kidlet needed a mom and dad, and we were driving a car older than me, and living in a tiny house that was great for the three of us, but a baby... no. It just wasn't going to work. The breathing kid took priority. A baby requires FAR more attention than my bout with pernicious morning sickness, and if *morning sickness* was making me a terrible mother to the breathing Kidlet, pregnancy and a baby wouldn't be better. My partner and I also have some genetic issues that made breeding together a questionable idea to begin with, and in retrospect, when he went polyamorous a year later...
But I clung to the idea for three weeks (so pregnancy week 5-6-7?) and ended up in the ER four times for electrolyte imbalance and severe dehydration. Then my OB and I had a chat. It basically boiled out to "I don't think this is going to work," on my part and "Yeah, I'm sorry, but I have to agree," on hers. She offered anti-emetics which did no good for the week I was on them. I couldn't actually keep them down long enough to absorb them. If I didn't want to spend the next X weeks on an IV, we really didn't have a choice.
Did I want an abortion? By the point I had it, yes. I didn't much like the way it's handled -- there's no reason to make my appointment for noon when the clinic knew damn well that I wouldn't be seen until 4:30. (All 30 of us having one that day had to be there at 12. I still don't get this -- were they expecting us to bond or sing kum bai yah?) I didn't appreciate the "cash up front" aspect -- that made it seem illicit. By the time you've made the two counseling sessions, had the ultrasound, and paid your $450, you're probably not going to back out. However, they made the decisions they had to make on procedure based on their experiences, so I can't entirely fault them.
I was lucky -- I caught it early, had an easy one, didn't have much pain or bleeding, was back up and around the next day, no complications. Ten years later, I'm very glad I did it. Since then, I've really learned I'm not mother material (though Kidlet turned out fine).
Do I regret it? Not at all.
"The breathing kid took priority."
I just wish that more people felt this way. I call the whole 'death-by-negligence' or 'death-by-indifference' a post-birth abortion.
I would love to see more people concerned about the living than getting so excited about a child that might not even make it to term.
Yea and I bet the rightwingers dont regret you had an abortion either. It means one less of us!
Dear OneAdam,
Are you a confused anti-choicer or are you trying to pull a freakishly obvious wolf in feminist's clothing? No one is buying what you are selling.
mmmmmkay.
Right. Because you only get one chance to have kids, and there is no such thing as adoption. *eyeroll*
?
Huh?
o_O;;
People are TOTALLY all the same? what?
o_O;;
.....and kids of right wingers dont turn into feminists? I'm one and I rejected right wing zealotry.
Secret password: Fuck Dr. Laura!
Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength in choosing what is right FOR YOU is what is soo wonderful about this story.
I am 23 and when i was 21 years old I too had an abortion. I have one child, who was born while i was in high school. I had just left his father who was abusive . I had nothing. The abortion was the right decision for ME.
Until today only 8 people know of this : My dad (super conservative catholic that took me in during quite possibly the most horrid time of my life-without judgement)the counselor, nurse, receptionist and doctor at the clinic, my cousin and my best friend and finally , myself. I didn't dare share this decision with anyone else for fear of judgement.
The procedure was the same, but because I didn't have tons of money, I opted for the 'awake" procedure, where they basically do the abortion while Im awake. It was extremely painful and some of the medicine made me really sick, but it was quick and I survived. I didn't suffer the horrid regret at the time and I dont now. All i felt was relief.
Since you have the courage to share, I was inspired to do so as well. Thanks for that.
-S
PS : I live in Portland Oregon where there are more than 10 places in the metro area to get an abortion... I can't imagine the emotional distress caused by having to wait for an appointment or travel far away to have this procedure done.
your dad -- wow :-)
Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength in choosing what is right FOR YOU is what is soo wonderful about this story.
I am 23 and when i was 21 years old I too had an abortion. I have one child, who was born while i was in high school. I had just left his father who was abusive . I had nothing. The abortion was the right decision for ME.
Until today only 8 people know of this : My dad (super conservative catholic that took me in during quite possibly the most horrid time of my life-without judgement)the counselor, nurse, receptionist and doctor at the clinic, my cousin and my best friend and finally , myself. I didn't dare share this decision with anyone else for fear of judgement.
The procedure was the same, but because I didn't have tons of money, I opted for the 'awake" procedure, where they basically do the abortion while Im awake. It was extremely painful and some of the medicine made me really sick, but it was quick and I survived. I didn't suffer the horrid regret at the time and I dont now. All i felt was relief.
Since you have the courage to share, I was inspired to do so as well. Thanks for that.
-S
PS : I live in Portland Oregon where there are more than 10 places in the metro area to get an abortion... I can't imagine the emotional distress caused by having to wait for an appointment or travel far away to have this procedure done.
Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength in choosing what is right FOR YOU is what is soo wonderful about this story.
I am 23 and when i was 21 years old I too had an abortion. I have one child, who was born while i was in high school. I had just left his father who was abusive . I had nothing. The abortion was the right decision for ME.
Until today only 8 people know of this : My dad (super conservative catholic that took me in during quite possibly the most horrid time of my life-without judgement)the counselor, nurse, receptionist and doctor at the clinic, my cousin and my best friend and finally , myself. I didn't dare share this decision with anyone else for fear of judgement.
The procedure was the same, but because I didn't have tons of money, I opted for the 'awake" procedure, where they basically do the abortion while Im awake. It was extremely painful and some of the medicine made me really sick, but it was quick and I survived. I didn't suffer the horrid regret at the time and I dont now. All i felt was relief.
Since you have the courage to share, I was inspired to do so as well. Thanks for that.
-S
PS : I live in Portland Oregon where there are more than 10 places in the metro area to get an abortion... I can't imagine the emotional distress caused by having to wait for an appointment or travel far away to have this procedure done.
have no clue why that posted 3 times . Sorry!
Thank you for telling your story. I had an abortion about 4 months ago, and while it is still hard for me to really talk about, I really appreciate reading other women's stories. Thank you.
Thank you for posting this story. You made the best decision for you and you had a less difficult time with the procedure than some stories I've heard. While I've never had an abortion, the first abortion story I heard was from a registered nurse. She had her's in the '70s and had a terrible time waiting in line in a paper gown and a doctor who had terrible bed-side manner. I'm glad your experience was positive and I'm glad you're okay.
I had an abortion when I was 19 in Oklahoma. There were only 2 places in the whole state that provide abortions. (One has since closed and now there is only one provider in Oklahoma) It was very scary to have to worry about whether I would be able to get to the location or not.
Luckily, I was able to get there fairly easily and the procedure was very quick. I had no side effects besides a little bleeding later that day.
It was an easy decision for me, it was my first year of college, I had no money and neither do my parents. Now that I'm in grad school I am thankful everyday that I had the option of having an abortion. It also has made me motivated to remind people in really liberal places (like Chicago, where I live now) how important it is to keep working for reproductive justice. I think people in liberal places sometimes forget how backwards/behind very conservative places like Oklahoma can be.
Thank you to Mayfly for sharing. The pro life propaganda you mention is exactly what keeps stories like yours so taboo ("I WOULD regret it forever, I WOULD have "post-abortion syndrome", I WOULD be smote by God, I would become infertile and get breast cancer and DIE, or something"). We need more stories like yours to show that the myth of the 'regretted-it-forever-after' woman scarred by abortion is just that, a poisonous myth. Women do it every day and get on with their lives, and that's how it should be. That's not to say it won't be hard or emotional, but it's pretty clear Mayfly's decision was the right one for her.
I live in the UK and am very thankful that if I needed an abortion, I could get one. It sucks that we should have to be thankful for something that should be a right, not a privilege, but as LindseyNoelle rightly says, this serves as a reminder of why the fight is not over.
I was going on 21 when I had mine and I don't regret it one bit.
(I'm from the Uk so my experience is slightly different.)
I'd had the most awful summer. I'd already had a pregnancy scare after an arsehole at a party raped me while I was asleep, but I got my period a week later - I must have just been late from the stress.
My current partner and I had been together for almost two years and he was wonderful in looking after me and helping me to recover, really just amazing, and about a month later at his sister's wedding I decided that I was ready to claim back my bodily autonomy and have sex.
Champagne, however, clouded our judgement. Because he hadn't expected to be having sex, my boyfriend wasn't carrying condoms, and we were both so drunk and I was so determined to do it that we didn't really care. It was the only time we'd ever had unprotected sex. I was fucking unlucky.
I found out four weeks later while I was traveling in Europe with my then- best friend, who revealed to me on the trip that she pretty much didn't believe that I was raped (at HER party) and that she wanted to stay friends with my rapist. Oh, and when I found out I was pregnant? She told me her mum believed abortion was evil. Cheers.
So after a horrible week in France where we met up with another friend who I couldn't tell because he's that awkward type who you can't tell things to and I had to pretend to be fine while feeling constantly sick and nauseous and exhausted and generally horrible, I rang my mum and I told her I needed an abortion.
She was amazing. She found me the number of the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (seriously, if anyone in Britain ends up in this situation ring BPAS on 08457 30 40 30, they're so supportive) and I rang them and told them my situation. At this point I worship the NHS. The woman on the phone told me that not only would I be able to have an abortion for free at a private clinic so as not to have to go into a horrible hospital, but my doctor's surgery had an automatic signature clause that meant I didn't need a doctor's appointment, I could just go straight to the clinic.
I got an appointment for the following week at the Blackdown Clinic near Leamington Spa (again, if anyone is in the Birmingham area, the people here were lovely and so understanding) and when I got there (with my mum and my boyfriend), I had a check up and a blood test and an ultrasound and told me I was 7 weeks gone and they gave me a lot of information and asked me to choose which procedure I would like.
I opted for the operation under general anaesthetic, because I didn't want to remember anything about it, so I went back the next day, was asked by a lovely nurse whether I wanted to start contraception (I chose the pill), went upstairs into a changing room and then to the prep room, and all the while they made sure there was a friendly female nurse with me to make sure I was okay. Then I got on the bed and went to sleep, so I never even had to see the operating room or any of the equipment or anything.
When I woke up I didn't realise it had happened yet. It took me about half an hour to wake up fully, then they took me to a room with a nice easy chair and gave me tea and biscuits and left me to recover and get dressed.
Then I went downstairs along with another girl and we ate toast and drank tea and we just looked at each other and each heaved a sigh of relief.
I bled pretty lightly for the first week and felt fine, so my boyfriend and I (he had stayed with me the entire time since I got back from traveling) decided to go to a festival he'd bought tickets for for the weekend. It was a bit crappy that I was on antibiotics to dodge an infection so I couldn't drink and I started bleeding really heavily on the sunday with horrid tummy pains so we had to miss the last night, but in all it was as positive as that kind of experience could be I guess. And I am so grateful to BPAS and all the good work they do.
I stopped speaking to my "friend" the next time I saw her and she didn't even ask me how I was.
She spent a semester in Spain and when she came back she never contacted me. She went to my rapist's party last christmas. I'm better off without her.
And I've never for a minute regretted my abortion. Like mayfly I've always wanted kids, but the moment I found out I was pregnant I just sort of knew that this wasn't meant to be my baby. I felt no attachment to it whatsoever. And I don't believe in adoption. I've sen too many people fucked up by the crappy system. I couldn't bring a life into the world and then just abandon it. I just couldn't.
And apart from the fact that my boyfriend was planning on starting a Masters, I was entering my final year of university, and though we love each other very much we weren't and still aren't ready to settle down and get jobs and start a family, I was totally not ready to cope with another life while I was going through recovery from rape. It took me a year to stop crying all the time. Being pregnant would not have helped.
Now I'm on a Women's Studies Masters and I'm about to start a PhD in English Literature. And I've got all the time in the world to start a family, on my own terms.
Wow, that was long. Sorry guys!
Also, I forgot to say, thanks so much for sharing Mayfly, I'm glad you feel so positive about your decision and that you know it was the right thing for you.
Sharing stories is the only way to combat the pro-life myths, so thank you so much for starting this thread and giving us a place to tell our stories.
You never have to apologize for taking up too much space on this blog. Thank you for sharing. Your story is rough but be sure there are many of us here taking solace in your words.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
One of my biggest fears during college was getting pregnant. I too was on the pill but I was very very bad about taking it consistently (I don't know if that was your same problem with it). Finally my junior year of school I switched to the Nuva Ring.
I don't really know what my point is, just that reading your story really reminded me of me. I'm so glad you made the choice that worked best for you.
After reading all of these really moving, important abortion stories, I really appreciate the simplicity of this story you shared. It's a good reminder for how important abortion availability is even for those who may never need it.
We're all in this one together.
Here's my story, which did not end in an abortion. I was 17, top of my class, headed to university the following year. My boyfriend was 20 and still in uni. We were not set up to have a baby.
I went to the family planning clinic for a test. They gave me the spiel, breast cancer, inability to conceive later, post abortion syndrome, blah blah blah and no resources on who to contact.
I called an abortion clinic in the yellow pages. They were rude to me and told me to call back when I was 10 weeks (I was nearly 9).
The more people I talked to (the family planning clinic, the abortion clinic) the worse I felt about it. Then I started to bleed. Badly. I went to the OB and he sent me for an U/S. The techs treated me like shite (that scene in Juno made me tear up) and like a failure washed-up teen. I was told I was having a miscarriage and sent home to have it. No follow-up, no aftercare, and no "care" at all. I went through a horribly awful miscarriage at home by myself. The father and I split shortly after.
I do not regret my decision to have an abortion and would much rather have done that than what I went through. 13 years later expecting a planned, appreciated, and welcome child into a prepared and economically sustainable home, and I'm still glad I didn't have that baby.
Thanks for sharing mayfly. I wanted to comment on something else, not related to your abortion at all, that you said here: "my health is crap, I'm a borderline alcoholic, yada yada yada." No intention to judge here, but when I read that, I just felt a tiny little alarm bell ringing somewhere for you--if you really do think you're in danger of an alcohol problem, or if you are involved in behaviors that undermine your health, I'd urge you to take advantage of the self-reflection your post suggestion you've been going through these last few weeks to reassess that and maybe try to make some positive changes if you find they might be warranted. Your comments suggest you chose abortion in part because you have dreams for your future--that's a good reason to think about changing any behaviors you may currently have that have the potential to stand between you and those dreams.
Thanks for sharing your story. You made the right choice. Every child deserves to be wanted, deserves to have parents that are ready to be the best parents that they can be.
Thanks for sharing your story. You made the right choice. Every child deserves to be wanted, deserves to have parents that are ready to be the best parents that they can be.
I've been using the NuvaRing for years and I really like it. No pills to forget! It's by far the best birth control I've ever used. More women should use it--I know some women get squicked out by the idea of putting something in their vagina without an applicator, but you get used to it really quickly. I've been using OB tampons since I first got my period so it was no big deal to me.
BTW, why am I getting a "Vote Pro-life" ad--with a photo of a baby--and Google line ads for adoption on this page? Doesn't Google ads have a way to keep that sort of crap off pages like this one?
I'm not seeing those ads, but when I saw some questionable ones, I emailed Jessica Valenti and she took care of them right away.
This post will probably be one of many, but who cares.
It is nice to see a refreshing and humorous post here about abortion, with none of the sanctimonious hand-wringing that often occurs.
This what the world needs.
Thanks for sharing mayfly. I had not thought about my own abortion in quite some time...
I had mine was I was 15, almost 16. I was a sophomore in high school and was in a serious relationship. One night the condom broke. Long story short, I was denied the morning after pill from a local doctor (in a small town) and ended up pregnant. Around 12 weeks I had my abortion. The only thing I regret was seeing the ultrasound photo. Although the PP clinic didn't show it to me intentionally, they had it laying in an open folder on a desk where I was having my final consult and "are you sure you want to do this?" questioning. The photo haunted me for months after, though I still had no feelings of regret.
As I went through high school, I was successful in sports, academics, and went on to get a college degree. I am now getting married and look forward to having kids with my future husband, but none of this would be possible if I had a 7 year old right now. I don't believe that women who have abortions and don't regret them are the minority. It is so important to get our stories out there, so thanks again for this post.
"I don't believe that women who have abortions and don't regret them are the minority."
Sorry, that was confusing. Re-phrased:
I believe that women who have abortions and regret them are the minority.
"This is the story of my abortion. If you're against abortion or you are easily grossed out by talk of graphic surgical procedures, don't read. :)"
I read this far and and haven't gone any further yet because I had to say: please do not preface your telling of your abortion experience with this. Perhaps if people are easily squicked-out, I get that, but to tell a blanket audience who actually SHOULD read stories of abortion NOT to read yours, I think, is a mistake. If anyone should read about how abortion affects the lives of women, especially from a first-hand account and especially (as I presume from your title) it was a positive experience insomuch as you don't regret it, it's pro-lifers. Otherwise, you're preaching to the choir.
I'm sorry, I had to say that. I'm going to read the whole story now.
Now that I have read your story, I stick by my original comment and I also want to say: thank you for sharing that.
It is SO IMPORTANT that we hear from women who are going through the very things those of us who haven't and those who definitely haven't (old men) in Washington, DC are legislating for or against. Yours is a story I imagine many more women relate to than that of the bereaved post-abortion victim the pro-lifers propagate.
Thank you and I'm so glad it worked out for you!
I interpreted it as her version of a trigger warning. A really nicely and quirky worded one, but one nonetheless.
I agree with you insofar as her story, and those like hers, should be told and disseminated. Abortion doesn't always make women completely shamed. There is a lot that goes into the decision and it should be appreciated for what it is -- a very difficult decision that is literally life-altering.
I will never know what goes into the abortion decision and I have tremendous respect for any woman who's been in that situation no matter the decision they've made for themselves. It's a woman's body, a woman's life, and a woman's decision.
I understand what you're saying, but I also think that the OP was trying to avoid getting judgemental moralizing anti-choice comments. I can totally understand why she doesn't need or want to hear those.
Thank you for sharing your story. None of the women I know who had abortions regret them to this day, either.
Thank you for putting your experience out there.
You exercised your right and made a decision that was best for you. Reading this is a reminder that there is a lot of work left to do to safeguard this right and change societal behaviors so having this procedure done can truly be personal, and not politicized.
I am of the belief that abortion is a necessary evil. I have had friends that have had abortions, and I believe that at times it is in the best interest of the woman and the child. I am confused though. Why is everyone only praising her, and what she did for HERSELF and not acknowledging that a child was aborted. I am not some extreme case saying that the second a sperm meets an egg, its life and you shouldn't take that away. But nearly 4 months? That is significant. I find it odd to see words like "happy" and smiley faces accompanying an abortion story, and it is rather off-putting to people that are either on the fence or against abortion.
I really am curious. Do the people that are praising her for making this choice for herself consider the baby? When do you consider it to be too far along for an abortion to take place? When is it not humane? Or is there no limit? Do you always consider the baby to solely be part of the woman's body, and not its own being until it leaves her body?
Like I said, I am not anti abortion, but this whole attitude of "you go girl" to women getting abortions seems very odd to me. I am sure I will anger a lot of you, and its not my intention, I truly just don't get it.
You said yourself:
"...I believe that at times it is in the best interest of the woman and the child."
How could it be in the best interest of the child if it is a "baby" (also your word).
You sound like you haven't exactly sorted through these issues yourself. Not an insult, BTW, cause it's obvs complicated.
Honestly I am one of those extreme cases that thinks it's a life and you shouldn't take that away the second the sperm and the egg meet. So I am, like you a little uncomfortable with all this "Congratulations on your abortion! :P" type of comments.
But I also can't think of any practical or ethical way that the government should control what goes on inside a woman's body. I feel like abortion is the wrong choice that we still have to leave up to pregnant woman to make.
There are many scenarios in which I think it would be better than a woman going through to term, none of which really matter because what I think is OK has no bearing on what women choose to do. Obviously, I think the sooner the better. I had a friend that took her sweet time in waiting to get an abortion, all the while knowing that she WAS going to have the abortion. When I used the word baby, I am referring to a nearly 4 month pregnant woman, and I personally consider that a baby.
I agree, there wouldn't be an ethical way to restrict it, and I wouldn't expect such a thing. I think the best thing possible is sex education, and readily available contraception.
Sarah, I think that what you don't get is that the mayfly deserves praise and recognition of her strength to make a hard decision even though many people would not approve of it and even though it is not only hard emotionally but also financially and logistically. Mayfly also gets props from many of us for being so open to sharing her story. The more that women speak out about their abortion experiences, the less getting an abortion will remain a dirty little secret that people are afraid to talk about.
Because you feel that abortion is a necessary evil, you might not have made this choice if you were in her situation, but I hope that you, too, can celebrate that she was able to make an informed choice and keep living her life as healthfully as she's able.
I completely agree that she deserves support and respect. I also believe that women should feel like they can openly discuss their experiences if need be. I really am just curious as to when a lot of these people responding consider the "fetus" the "baby", whatever you want to call it, separate from the woman. Is it only after birth?
I wouldn't call it a necessary evil. It's not evil in any sense of the word.
When our medical technology was not as advanced as it is now, even a hundred years ago, people would call it a "pregnancy" not a "baby" because there was no guarantee that a pregnancy would end in a birth; there were premature births, miscarriages, accidents, and still-borns. "Baby" is a term used after the fetus if born. You give birth to a baby, you are pregnant with a fetus. It's all about semantics. Until that fetus is a baby birthed, it's not technically a person. A fetus does not have personhood, it does not have the same rights we do as people because until it is born and is a separate entity from its mother, an a priori person with said personhood rights.
Again: give birth to a baby, pregnant with a fetus.
Thats fine that you can use a play on words and prove that technically its not a separate person, but you really believe that? You see a very pregnant woman and you don't consider that to be a human being in her body? That just is bizarre to me.
Yes, I understand that a pregnancy leads to the birth of a baby. I do not take these things lightly. However, I do not take the rights of the pregnant woman lightly either, nor do I hold the rights of some POTENTIAL person over the rights of an ALREADY LIVING PERSON.
"I really am just curious as to when a lot of these people responding consider the "fetus" the "baby", whatever you want to call it, separate from the woman."
Right there you bring up semantics yourself. Language is not some casual thing we happen to use to communicate. Words mean A LOT.
Ask a doctor. It is a FETUS until BORN. After birth, the fetus becomes a baby.
To me, it's really a black-and-white issue. Before birth: pregnant with a fetus. After birth: baby. Until the baby is born it is comprised of cells in its carrier/mother. If she does not want those cells in her body, it's up to her. I have NO say about it, unless, of course, that woman is me. The moment we start to gray-area the issue it dwindles into pro-life vs pro-choice semantic political play. To each her own. I'm of the opinion that I have no right to decide such a momentous decision for another human being (meaning the a priori LIVING potential-mother).
My mother miscarried the year before she had my older brother. Do I wonder what could have been? Sure. Would I be here if she hadn't miscarried? I have no way to say. I also don't want someone to declare my mother a criminal for something that is natural and statistically a lot of women go through. Are they criminals? When do you imprison a woman for killing her fetus, whether a miscarriage or a later abortion? It's a slippery slope that spells disaster for women's rights and one I certainly do not want to slide down.
Make the option legal, make it available and easily accessible (along with contraceptives and comprehensive sex education) and for fuck's sake, don't have one if you don't want one. Just don't cry to anyone the day your abortion becomes the only moral one and you ("you" in the general sense) have been advocating for anti-abortion legislation or social mores.
"I really am just curious as to when a lot of these people responding consider the "fetus" the "baby", whatever you want to call it, separate from the woman."
I would take it one further and say that you define that for yourself right there. The "fetus" is a "baby" once it is "separate from the woman." Issue settled.
Ok, comparing a miscarriage to an abortion? Criminal? Are you really getting that feeling from what I said? That I feel that women who choose abortion are criminals?
The reality is, is that there is a difference between a woman willingly choosing to abort, and having a miscarriage. I am not labeling either, but there absolutely IS a difference, so I don't know why you brought that up.
Really though, you have cleared up confusion for me. You literally think that the fetus is a part of the mother until born. That is what I asked, and you answered.
But is it only the act of being "born" that makes the fetus a baby, or the exit out of a woman's body? What if a fetus is miscarried at 5 months? Is that a baby that came out of her body? What if she aborts a baby at 5 months? What is it once it is removed? Is it a baby once it is out? I have a close friend that had a miscarriage at 5 months, had to go through labor, and she certainly considered it a baby.
No, I don’t think that’s what you’ve said or implied. I do, however, think that the two issues are inextricably related in the on-going debate about women’s rights (puke that I even have to write that “debate about women’s rights,” but, then, that’s why I’m a radical feminist). If you think that it’s a baby at 8.5 months, then what’s the difference between that fetus and a 0.7 months fetus? It’s a good question. Again, while some feel that later abortions are wrong, I am of the opinion that most women, given the options, access and acceptance, would choose to have an abortion as soon as they know that they are pregnant and do not want to carry that pregnancy to term. However, as is, we barely give the option, make access nearly impossible, especially for low-income and minority women, and we can see for ourselves the judgments, gentler though they may be in a feminist environment, right here on Feministing.
I understand the difference between choosing to abort and having the misfortune of having a miscarriage—(depending on your circumstances; at this moment I know a woman who is hoping for a miscarriage because she has a condition that makes it hard to determine how far a long a pregnancy is and who’s periods continued despite her being on birth control and pregnant for 4 months! What would you recommend for her, as she would have preferred to abort?)
The difference, however, is only in the aspect of CHOICE. The same end result, in terms of the pregnancy, occurs. I’m definitely not the first person to notice this—it is relevant insofar as if you make abortion illegal, what does that mean for women who miscarry? If you give fetuses personhood rights, what does that mean for women who miscarry? If you criminalize the ending of pregnancy, where does that end? What’s the punishment? I remember a certain case of a teen who was not aware she was pregnant, she miscarried on the plane she was traveling on, and then when the miscarried fetus was found, she was treated like a criminal. Please see: http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2008/04/02/the-continuing-exploits-of-the-fetus-lovers/
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so long-winded, but the question you asked has so many other implications, which is why I’m so passionate about it and have gone above and beyond, I’m sure you must think, in answering. (Also, I don’t mean anything I’ve written to sound accusatory or as though I don’t respect you, because that’s not the case and I do respect you).
See, now, this is where choice and semantics meet. A woman who CHOOSES and/or plans to become pregnant would most likely see her fetus as a baby and I completely agree there, insofar as it’s an abstract idea that she welcomes. However, to thrust this context onto a woman who does not wish to be pregnant is wrong. To me, in any case, it is a fetus until born and thus a separate entity from the mother. Then it is a baby. If the women chooses to see it otherwise, great. If not, when it comes down to life or death and women’s rights, it’s “pregnant with a fetus” or “expecting a baby” (which implies that it is not yet, but is expected be). After it’s born, yes, then it’s a baby.
I definitely see where you’re coming from. With the history of women’s rights here and all over the world, though, please excuse my cynicism in boiling the matter down to bare bones. In my opinion, it works out best for everyone that way. And women have their bodily autonomy.
"She considered it a baby" - that is the operative phrase. Your friend decided it was a baby. That was her perception, her experience, and her choice.
It's the same for a woman who aborts at 5 months. She considers it a fetus, and wants the pregnancy terminated. Her perception, her experience, her choice.
Kathleen6674, and AngryYoungFemme (and I guess to anyone else who wishes to respond), you said:
"A woman who CHOOSES and/or plans to become pregnant would most likely see her fetus as a baby and I completely agree there, insofar as it’s an abstract idea that she welcomes. However, to thrust this context onto a woman who does not wish to be pregnant is wrong."
and
"Your friend decided it was a baby. That was her perception, her experience, and her choice.
It's the same for a woman who aborts at 5 months. She considers it a fetus, and wants the pregnancy terminated. Her perception, her experience, her choice."
What disturbs me about this viewpoint is the lack of objective reality. Is a fetus a living human being or not? Do you consider such a thing to be an objective fact or only the subjective opinion of the pregnant woman?
Do you define a human being by whether or not someone else believes you to be one?
What Tenya said. Plus, read my and Interior_League's comments for direct answers to your question that we've already given.
I'll state it again though, using SarahES's comment as a starting point:
"I really am just curious as to when a lot of these people responding consider the "fetus" the "baby", whatever you want to call it, separate from the woman."
I would take it one further and say that you define that for yourself right there. The "fetus" is a "baby" once it is "separate from the woman." Issue settled.
I don't care about fetus/baby. When is it a human life? Is there anything you would consider valid in deciding when it's a human life besides when the pregnant woman says so?
This is what I find kind of unsettling - this idea that a thing is only human if someone else values them as a human being.
A fetus born premature at 24 weeks and is wanted and survives (not terribly uncommon) - that's a human being.
But the same fetus at 24 weeks that is unwanted and is aborted - that's a clump of cells.
Do you see the logical conundrum there?
I've noticed a lot of pro-choice people that have solved this dilemma by trying to force the language that it's not a person until it's born, even if somebody does want it.
What it comes down to, for me, is that it doesn't matter if it's a fetus or a baby. It doesn't matter if it's a clump of cells or a human being.
If it is inside my body, I have the right to decide I don't want it there any more. You terminate a pregnancy, the (depending on your point of view) unfortunate consequence of that is the 'death' of a fetus/baby/bunch of cells.
No other human being would be or should be allowed to use my body against my will, regardless of whether they need it to survive or not. A baby is no more entitled to use my uterus than a friend is to use my kidney or liver. Even if the lack of that uterus/kidney/liver kills them.
What exactly are you looking for? Statements that let's say, at X months, women shouldn't be allowed to have elective abortion because at that point it isn't a fetus, who doesn't deserve attention, but a baby, which is a person and has a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness? Prior to that it is a heavy period if a miscarriage occurs, after that it is the death of a baby. I think it is highly individual, some women miss that first period and then it is beloved, wanted baby. Other women, even by 6 months, it is now an unwanted life-changing invasion. I don't pretend to be able to pick up arbitrary markers that apply to every woman who has experienced a pregnancy.
Every pro-choice person is going to have their own personal belief about this, so it's impossible to speak on anyone else's behalf. But we do in fact have a legal definition of the difference between a fetus that can be aborted and one that can't except to protect the life or health of the woman. The standard is viability. If a doctor determines that a fetus could live on its own outside the womb, then the law prohibits an abortion. It is not now and never has been legal to perform a third trimester abortion except due to medical necessity. And in fact, since Planned Parenthood v. Casey, it has not been legal to perform a second trimester abortion if the fetus could live on its own outside of the mother's womb. So legally, the difference between a fetus that is a clump of tissue and a fetus that could live as a baby is viability. That's the objective measure that is in place. According to the Guttamacher institute, 89% of abortions take place in the first trimester. I think it's important to keep that in mind when we start talking about second trimester abortions. We're talking about 11% of the procedures that are done. And I don't think there's going to be a run on second trimester abortions if our culture stops shaming women for having them.
I'm late to this thread, which is a little bit all over the place, so I'm kind of responding to a lot of things in one place. Nobody said congratulations on your abortion. What they said was I'm glad you're okay, I'm glad you made the right decision for you, and thank you for telling your story. Those are compassionate responses, and ones that I share. On my own behalf, I'll say no, I didn't for one second worry about the clump of tissue. Not only because I don't believe a fetus is a person, but because the fetus isn't reading this thread. And I don't believe that any woman should feel obligated to regret her abortion or feel ashamed of her decision. If she does regret her abortion--if, for example, she wanted a child but chose to have an abortion due to health or economic concerns--I think we can find ways to validate her experience without suggesting that other women should feel the same.
That's why I think many of us feel that we want to acknowledge a subjective difference based on the woman's desire. If a woman wants to remain pregnant and considers the fetus a child, then I see it as a child. If the woman doesn't want to remain pregnant and considers the fetus a fetus, then I see it as a fetus. It's not a legally viable standard, but it's one that makes sense to me. That way I can acknowledge that a woman who wants to have a child and has a miscarriage has suffered a loss. Even there though, for me it's not about the child, but the woman. That said, I have to say that a friend of mine had a miscarriage, and she said it really confirmed for her that a fetus is a clump of tissue, not a child. And she wants a child badly enough that she's now going through all the pain of IVF. And my sister had two miscarriages, one before each of her children was born. And while she would say she lost a baby, she doesn't mourn them. Because it's just not the same thing to her as losing a child who has been born. Miscarriages are shockingly common--March of Dimes has it at 1 and 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriages, and others suggest it's 1 in 3. We can probably trade anecdotal evidence until the cows come home, but the bottom line is that embryos and fetuses aren't being brought to term all the time, and in the end, I care about the women, and not the clumps of cells.
SarahES, Mayfly did consider the baby. Look at how many times in her post the words baby, children, family, etc. are in there. What kind of further consideration are you interested in? "oh how horrible I killed my baby" may be the experience of some women, but clearly not all, as this post has shown. Even at that later stage, the alternative is that she continue the pregnancy, which is not a viable option for her - as determined by her and her doctors. Other women in similar or dissimilar situations may choose differently, but ultimately I feel the person best able to make that consideration is Mayfly. All I see here is support and compassion, frequently through shared experience (abortion), and you want something else? What?
She did it for herself because she felt she was unready to be a real mother to this child and didn't feel that the adoption option was best for this potential child.
The congratulations are to her ability to make this decision and know it's right for her and her life at this moment. I see a lot of these people applauding her confidence and strength, not necessarily the procedure itself.
I can see how you mean with "necessary evil", however I do disagree. The termination option is not evil because it protects both the mother and the child from the potentiality of having, honestly, shitty lives. It takes a village, as they say, so what if there's no village to take? Having a baby is a huge event and if it's not right or you know you're not ready, then it's not right.
Termination exists for that reason, as well as for incest and other forms of sexual assault.
Protects the mother I understand.
But protects the child? In what other case would you say it makes sense to kill a person because you determine their lives are "shitty"?
"...didn't feel that the adoption option was best for this potential child."
As opposed to death.
If you really believe it's just a bunch of tissue, and it's not wrong to abort, that I understand (although I don't agree).
If you really believe the mother's choice to do what she wishes with her own body trumps a fetal human that I understand (and I kind of agree).
But how can you say it's a child AND that it's best for it to be dead?
"The termination option is not evil because it protects both the mother and the child from the potentiality of having, honestly, shitty lives."
Do you realize the moral implications of this statement? Think of all the good we could do be terminating people with shitty lives. Heck, we could sterilize all kinds of poor people and prevent the "potential children" they might have from having shitty lives.
There are 2 problems with this reply.
About the "moral implications": the key concept here is consent. Think about the difference between sex and rape. Forced sterilisation is not the same as a wanted abortion.
Also, a "potential child" is very different than an actual child. A potential child could be the one you imagine you will conceive 5 years from now. Sperm and eggs could be considered potential children, to some people. That doesn't mean they have the same value or rights as actual children.
I was 20 years old when I found myself pregnant. I had no heat or water in an apartment in a "bad neighborhood" no job no education and a deadbeat boyfriend (gene donor). I seriously considered an abortion. I am very pro-choice because I believe in equality and freedom. I don't want to rain on anyone's helping each other cope blog parade, but I just wanted to ask if you would help me understand better how a woman can have no regrets? I regret just having thought about aborting Ava, who is 9 now. She is my soulmate. I cannot imagine who I would have been had I made a different choice. I am a stronger person overall having sacrificed so much for someone else. I am a stronger feminist than ever before. Raising a daughter with no support is a harrowing experience and I had to learn to be selfless and to go without. I guess I missed out on some fun in my twenties like barhopping and onenitestands, and it has been quite difficult to attain a BS since I am a decade older than the other uni students in my classes, but SHE IS WORTH IT TOTALLY.
I am no fundamentalist zealot, it is just that I can't understand about the no regrets thing.
Obviously you won't understand the "no regrets thing" because you haven't had the experience. You don't know where you would be today had you decided to have an abortion, so it's hard for you to know if you would have regretted it. Have you ever heard a mother say that she regretted NOT having an abortion? Probably not, because she also does not know where she would be without her children. The experience is completely individual. Some women may regret it, others will not. If you want to try to understand, read the posts above your own and read the many stories of women who have no regrets...they tell their stories well.
Why should they have regret? I don't understand how you can read several stories about why abortion was the best decision and how they are beating themselves up with guilt over it (because that is productive how?) and still not understand.
*how they are NOT beating themselves up with guilt...
Oh to edit comments!
It is just about having a conscience. Maybe I still harbor Catholic guilt or something. Shizzz, I have regrets for lesser things than flushing out a blob of cells, like the time I got it on with my brother's best friend--HA!
I just think that it takes a strong person to abort an unwanted pregnancy, but a stronger one to actually birth and rear and sacrifice daily. I disagree that often times it is the "BEST" decision to abort.
I think I should opt out of this comment thread. I don't want to get jumped in the parking lot for not having had an abortion to not regret.
Wow. So, women who have abortions and don't feel regret and women who haven't had abortions adn don't imagine that they'd feel regret...have no conscience? Uh-huh...
"I just think that it takes a strong person to abort an unwanted pregnancy, but a stronger one to actually birth and rear and sacrifice daily."
Ugh. So you support a women's right to choose, as long as you get to judge and ridicule her later for making the WRONG choice. Classy.
Settle down...no one's tryin' to insult anyone's choices here. I just wanted to express the other option and share.
I am sorry if it seems to you that I am saying "all ladies who've had the procedure, feel terrible forever!!" No no no.
I just have been in a similar context in my life and took the other path and I cannot understand how someone cannot see a regret in what they may have missed out on.
I really believe that many of my girlfriends who have aborted fetuses could have provided for the possible future baby--even if it would have been a struggle. Much of their choice had to do with not feeling they could offer those material things viewed by society that all families need to have like the cleaver family.(ONE DAY A PICKET FENCE AND HUSBAND**sigh**)
The stigma of being an unwed mother or single mother also factors in to the choice to eliminate a preg.
Living under poverty is no joke---I know. So, I respect any decisions a woman feels she has to do whatever.
lllllevinzzo, I am not sure what class I need to be in, but I am tryin' to at least pull a higher tax bracket.
"I just have been in a similar context in my life and took the other path and I cannot understand how someone cannot see a regret in what they may have missed out on."
Exactly--it's subjective, which is why we took offense at your seeming implication that women who have no regrets about having had an abortion (or those who feel the same way, but haven't had an abortion) have no conscience. That's a pretty big thing to lay on other women you have never met, of whom you don't know the circumstances of and yet, you lay judgment like that. While you may not have meant it that way, again, language is REALLY IMPORTANT especially in the abortion debate and the way that pro-lifers take information out of context and/or direct lies and try to feed them to the public.
Don't tell me to settle down.
First of all, I was completely calm when I called you out on your judgmental attitude.
Second of all, maybe you should re-read your comment and come back when you realize how what you said was offensive.
Unless they become sterile, have they really "missed out"? Maybe in continuing the first pregnancy, they would have missed out on a later, more enjoyable pregnancy, where the father was around and the financial situation was better.
Yes. Missed out on the experience of knowing that particular potential future person.
I just think that it takes a strong person to abort an unwanted pregnancy, but a stronger one to actually birth and rear and sacrifice daily. I disagree that often times it is the "BEST" decision to abort.
-------------------
Of course you're entitled to disagree. Clearly there are incredibly diverse viewpoints on this issue, which are almost always backed up with genuine moral conviction.
Aborting versus giving birth is not a question of "which choice takes more strength to make." It's not a personal strength competition. However, it does indeed come down to which decision you consider best, into which so many factors come into play.
In my opinion, I would consider abortion the "best" in many circumstances because I've always believed in providing a child with the best start in life possible, minimizing material hardships, maximizing my emotional availability to the child, and so on. I'm an atheist, and don't see it to be a sin to terminate a fetus which isn't sentient and has no investment yet in our world (although I do feel it to be absolutely preferable to abort as early as one can, if at all possible before the fetus can feel pain).
Anyway, that's my view, and I could expound upon it for paragraphs. But the point is, people CAN genuinely believe that abortion is the best decision for all concerned, mother and baby-that-will-never-exist alike.
Okay, maybe I was wrong to compare choices;to word it like that, but I know what you're getting at and that's not really what I meant.
I just want women to see that there might have been someone worth a regret that you decided to abort. Just telling my deal.
I have learned a great deal from this today: The moral of the story is that if I had aborted Ava Mae, I wouldn't regret it because I wouldn't know her. You cannot regret loving a person you never met or fell in love with. This is logic, plain and simple.
Wow, and sacrafice?! Sheesh! Why am I getting whiffs of the "pregnancy is the consequence for ever having sex you slutty-slut-slut-girl-whore-bitch!"? In terms of pregnancy, it is possible to have consequence-free sex. STDs are another story. But. Uh. Wow.
Stop putting words in my mouth. I never called anyone a "slut" because then I would be calling myself a "slut" since I too found myself in a position of an unplanned pregnancy (most of em are).
I don't buy into that masculist propaganda that women can be a "slut" because she had sex anyway!
Try being an unwed single parent sometime and tell me what it is like to be thought of and seen as a "slut" on a regular basis.
I didn't put words in your mouth. I said I'm getting whiffs of that pregnancy-is-the-consquence-women-pay-for-having-sex. I suppose I should have used dashes like I did here instead of quotes. I'm sorry if it seems otherwise.
However, in the patriarchy's eyes, we're all sluts; each and every last women, from birth to the grave, is a member of the sex class.
I urge you to look beyond your own life experiences. For you, it was a great decision. For others, it may not have been, just as in this thread we have two people that continued pregnancies in adverse circumstances and felt THAT was the best decision. Someone else may read your story or aznemesis's and decide that there was NO WAY they'd do that, and even look down upon you for those choices. (and you will notice that aznemesis is not getting jumped in the hypothetical feminsting parking lot) But aznemesis doesn't make any judgments about how people should feel regarding abortion, especially not almost accusing those who abort of wanting to barhop or have one night stands, so there might be tangible difference.
Not regretting an abortion, ie, a decision about when to continue a pregnancy is hardly an indication that someone doesn't have a conscience. It implies that they have no sense of right and wrong, wherein I think the implication here is that your sense of right/wrong and how to deal with actions in those categories differs from mayfly's, or indeed, many of the women in this thread.
"I urge you to look beyond your own life experiences."
Unless, of course, your own life experience was to have an abortion. In that case you are not urged to look past your own experience, it's "thank you for sharing this amazing story."
No, because the other people sharing their stories aren't judging those that chose to continue their pregnancies. And if you've read all the stories here there are several that have not ended in abortion. They chose the decision best for them, whatever that was. It's about not judging them for that decision.
So, you'd support both mother and child suffering in place of preventing that from happening?
That doesn't sound pro-choice to me.
I can understand your moral barometer on this: you see the fetus/cells/whatever terms you want to use as deserving of life because it exists.
However, not everyone has that barometer and, this being the place this is, most of us don't.
Yo! Who said anything about "suffering"??
I am floored that you would name call me a conservative pro-lifer just because YES IN THIS FORUM I have asked how this young woman in this situation as well as others like her can have no regret over the choice in any way. I am sure there might have been (albeit inconvenient) some way to have gone through with the pregnancy maybe in some alternate universe.
Finances and the tv barbie dream lifestyle or the owning fifty-seven pairs of shoes are some things I don't think are more important in a woman's life than other things like delivering her offspring in some cases.
My feeling is, is that women who have had an abortion do not need to justify their decision to your satisfaction.
Its THEIR decision.
You chose to make a different one. Good for you, I'm glad its working out.
The tone that comes across to me from your posts is quite condescending - that the only right choice is the choice you made. I may be wrong, but that's the feeling I get reading your posts.
Exactly. Why does anyone other than the woman involved (plus the people she chooses to consult) have ANY say in this? I've always found it deeply sexist to assume that women who terminate pregnancies obviously haven't thought through the consequences. Women's bodies, thoughts and morals are NOT up for public debate!
There is a very clear difference to me between feeling regret after an abortion and feeling that you would regret aborting the child you have since given birth to. If you had indeed had the abortion, you would have no wonderful child to compare the lack of one to. I'm very glad you are happy with your choice- a child is always a gift. But there are many women out there who are not ready for a child for many reasons (as you know) and their abortions are not a cause for regret- they simply did not want or could not care for another human being. It's easy to imagine the regret would be consuming, but you now know what it's like to have your daughter in the world. If you had no idea what it was like to have her, regret may not be your go-to feeling. An unborn fetus in the earliest stages of growth is not really a child yet at all (in my opinion) and abortion is more like getting rid of the potential of that growth to turn into a fully-formed child than somehow retroactively aborting a child you already know.
You now have a connection to your daughter and that's amazing. I hardly think you're a fundamentalist zealot- just a woman asking an interesting question. I can't wait to have a daughter (or son) of my own and I really respect that you have sacrificed so much for yours. But a lot of women having abortions do not feel any connection with what is growing in their bodies, and there is no regret in deciding to abort it. You have to believe you are in some way doing a bad thing to regret it, I think.
Yes. It's great to be able to say "I am happy with my life now. I happy there is a child in it."
It's also great to be able to say "I am happy with my life now. I happy there is no child in it."
It's even great for the same person to say both of those things at different points in their life.
Wow. Do you realise just how offensive you are being?
I am glad that you felt able to follow through with your pregnancy, and I totally *support your choice*. But this:
"I just think that it takes a strong person to abort an unwanted pregnancy, but a stronger one to actually birth and rear and sacrifice daily. I disagree that often times it is the "BEST" decision to abort."
How dare you.
You may have felt stronger as a result of raising a child, and all power to you.
But for me it would have taken less strength to go along with all the fucked up things that were happening in my life, refuse to take control, not take time out to recover from my rape and betrayal, have the child I didn't want and be a martyr for the rest of my life, but instead, I found the STRENGTH to take back my life, to refuse to let things happen to me, and to set out to recover my own life and my self worth.
That took fucking strength. All the women on this forum who have shared their stories are really STRONG and ADMIRABLE people. I am a better person now both for having those experiences, making those decisions, and allowing myself time to recover from them in the way I needed to.
And for you to sit there on your high horse and say that a *stronger* person would have had a pregnancy, and by inference that I am therefore *weak*, just shits all over the self-esteem that it has taken me nearly two years to claw back.
You can "disagree" all you like, but you have no idea what the women brave enough to share their stories on this forum went through, and you have no right to tell them that they are deluded if they think that they made the "best" choice and that you with your child know better.
"It is just about having a conscience."
So you suggest that I not only made the wrong choice but that I have no conscience because I refuse to be racked with guilt about the little-foetus-that-might-have-been? No. I have a conscience. I certainly have enough conscience to know that it is wrong to tell vulnerable people who have just opened up to you that they are morally corrupt and lacking in a conscience.
"I am sure there might have been (albeit inconvenient) some way to have gone through with the pregnancy maybe in some alternate universe."
Yes. I am sure there would have been "some way" for me to have had this child. I am thankful that I had the choice not to. My partner and I *could* have dropped out of university, got shit jobs and borrowed money to live in a shit house. We *could* have thrown away all our plans and pushed ourselves together before we were ready. I *could* have pretended that I wasn't still traumatised by my rape and unwanted pregnancy and locked all my feelings away "for the good of the child." We *could* now be sitting here with an 18 month old and no jobs because of a lack of qualifications and the terrible financial climate.
But I didn't. I didn't choose that "inconvenient" (as you so kindly phrase it) life because I felt that maybe, just maybe, I and my partner were more important than a "little blob of cells" (your words) and I refuse to apologise for that decision.
"Finances and the tv barbie dream lifestyle or the owning fifty-seven pairs of shoes are some things I don't think are more important in a woman's life than other things like delivering her offspring in some cases."
Wow.
(I really want to just leave it at this point and say fuck you, but I won't because I am not that rude and incompassionate for others, and I actually want to address your poorly conceived and highly insulting comments).
How dare you suggest that the women here chose abortion for "barbies" and "shoes". Have some fucking compassion and stop being so self righteous. There are many reasons that a woman might make this decision, and even if it was one of finance, of not wanting to bring a child into the world where she couldn't give it the upbringing that she wanted to give it. That decision is just as valid as any other. What works for you does not necessarily work for me, or for anypne else.
And finally:
"I don't want to get jumped in the parking lot for not having had an abortion to not regret."
Now I will say it. Fuck you. This isn't about you. This particular space is for women to share their stories of the *very difficult* decision these women have made to have an abortion and to share it on a public forum in the hope of some support and recognition of their side of the story. How dare these women not only decide that they have the bodily autonomy to choose what is best for them and their bodies, but to refuse to have regrets about it afterwards.
Geez, ladies. If you're going to claim abortion rights, at least feel fucking guilty about it or the whole world will go to shreds.
The "parking lot" comment is especially nice considering the amount of women that *do* get "jumped in the parking lot" of abortion clinics by crazy anti-abortion activists. You really are thoughtful.
No one is asking you to have an abortion or not regret one. Now show us the same courtesy and stop expecting us to make decisions and have feelings that you think are "BEST."
/end rant.
Okay, fine. Fuck you right back.
Money to attend university (mine is 1600 per class) for two + a partner for emotional/financial support = I cannot afford this pregnancy?
If you say there is no regret, I believe you. Regret is one of those things however that might sneak up on you one day at forty long after you've purchased that cookie-cutter home and settled down with ken.
It could be that some don't experience regret as readily as myself: To reiterate, I have regrets over lesser things than having aborted a pregnancy, for example: I regret ever commenting on this site!
I am sorry that I offended you gals with my question about no regrets. I was just having trouble understanding. It seemed like the best decision to ask you for the sake of discussion and in hopes of seeing things better from your perspective because I want to advocate for women's rights and go to work with struggling young mothers when I am done with school.
I am not tryin' to be critical or to judge you sincerely.
I am imperfect, which is OKAY to admit--eh hemm.
We all make mistakes.
Jjuliaava = troll.
luckily, I've never had to have an abortion, but i can understand why people wouldn't regret it, just like I can understand why they would. All women who experience unplanned pregnancy go through very difficult decisions, and I think you should be commended for your strength in choosing to do what's best for you, whether it's to keep the pregnancy or to not keep it.
WTF man? I don't get why you can think it is alright to call me a troll??? For what? I am just asking a question and telling my story.
I am glad if anyone is inspired by it or can relate to it
Erin, I guess you are the princess in the fairy tale?
It isn't your original question that I found offensive, it's the way you phrased it in such a judgemental manner (not, "do you really experience no regret? Wow that's lucky, I'm not sure I could be like that"; but "do you really experience no regret? How awful, you must be a morally bankrupt person") and the way you wrote subsequent comments that suggested, whether you intended it or not, that you think that you are a better person than me, "stronger," with more (or any!) "conscience" and the only one not too selfish to "sacrifice" your life for a child or deluded into believing in the "Barbie and Ken" lifestyle.
I actually found your original post inspiring, if a little insensitive in your disbelief in a woman's lack of regret, and I admired your decision to bring up a child. I'm sure she is your soulmate, and that's wonderful for you. But then you went and said all the things I called you out on, and I'm sorry if it offends you that I won't sit back and take that sort of condemnation from someone who has no idea what my life has been like, but I won't. If you are allowed to question everything the women on this page have said about their experiences of abortion and regret, then I am equally allowed to question you on your ideas that your decisions were better than mine.
Please don't simultaneously patronise and threaten me with regret in my future. You don't know any better than I do who will and will not experience regret, and I think that I probably know myself better, so please respect me when I say that *I* don't, and won't. And you definitely don't know what I want from my future. Believe me, the "cookie-cutter" lifestyle isn't it. And I don't need to "settle down with Ken" to feel complete. How insulting that you would suggest that.
You clearly haven't properly read my post if you think that my decision was purely financial. It was anything but. But even if it was, suggesting I should have spent my university education money on having a child instead is absolutely judgemental and rings a little to much of the pro-life if-you-have-sex-filthy-whore-expect-the-consequences speil to let go uncommented on.
I doubt we'll ever agree. You seem totally unwilling to engage with the idea that you are wrong about what is right for OTHER people, and if you look back on all the things I pulled out of your comments and can't see how any of them might be hurtful, there's not much more I can say to you.
And I apologise for swearing at you. I'm sorry, I was angry. But if *that* offended you, just imagine how hurt you'd feel if you had someone tell you that not only was one of the biggest decisions you have ever had to make the wrong one, but that you should be haunted with it for the rest of your life if you do not want to be an awful weak and shallow person with no conscience.
THAT is what I objected to.
I never said any decision would be a right one or wrong one, homey. I just stated that just maybe there could be a possibility that abortion might not always be the "best" option--far be it for me to tell people what the ought to do.
I regret my tatoo or other silly things I have done or said, so as a mother who chose not to abort a preg at that same stage in the life and times of me, I was having doubts about the whole "I have no regrets" sentiment of many of the women on this panel.
I tell everyone I am proud of this tatoo, but I kind of regret it.
That is all. I am not condemning you or anybody else.
You implied that women that abort their fetuses without regret have no conscience. You said you were stronger than those that do choose abortion. You've questioned their decisions. You've implied they do not know the meaning of sacrifice. You've judged them. You've shamed them. You continue to do so in each and every reply in this comment thread.
How do you not understand how people find this offensive? How do you still NOT get this?
You implied that women that abort their fetuses without regret have no conscience.
Nope, when someone asked me how I can't understand the no regrets sentiment, I said to regret is about having a conscience just to clarify for them. I was not insinuating that people who abort their fetuses have no conscience. Maybe YOU have a guilty conscience so you are twisting my words?
You said you were stronger than those that do choose abortion.
Again, nope, I said both take great strength. Then Angry pointed out that it was an unfair comparison, so I redacted and apologized.
You've questioned their decisions.
No, I questioned the strict no regrets policy. I wonder if any of you secretly have some deep dark little regret over the choice you are not willing to admit to.
You've implied they do not know the meaning of sacrifice.
You've judged them. You've shamed them.
Lev, I really didn't mean to do any such thing. YOU continue to attack me, if anything.
All of you have indeed jumped me in the parking lot. I have been called a troll and worse, a conservative, and even someone told me FUCK YOU! All because I question regret.
It could be that there truly is much regret, but it is pushed down and bottled up so that what happens is a lot of anger can come out at those who chose not to abort like me, because I symbolize what could have been. You don't want to know what you could have missed out on. There is room for regret there.
Wow, you're a lost cause. I've never had an abortion. I'm just not a judgmental asshole like you.
By the way, I don't care if you think I'm "jumping you in the parking lot." You say hurtful and wrong things you deserve to get called out for them.
Hold up--you call me an asshole and (unlike me) you say I am "WRONG" yet I ma the judgmental one here?. hmmm. Maybe abortion would be the best option for people like you.
This is it, I am just going to start voting pro-life from now on. Are you satisfied now? One more vote to outlaw choice.
Oh, no! ANYTHING but that! Please, come back! Please, please, PLEASE stay, so you can discount other people's experiences some more! Please stay so you feel all noble and sacrificial and salt-of-the-earth compared to all of us shallow, lazy women who had abortions and have the temerity to *CLAIM* (ha!) that they don't feel bad about it, because, you know, anyone here had any illusions that you were anything but pro-life to begin with.
Get over yourself, already.
I'm a black single woman, and a virgin, who was raised within the Nigerian Igbo community in Atlanta, who never understood the valorizing that single motherhood gets in the U.S. It's nothing special. In fact, up to probably twenty years ago, it used to be frowned upon. Maybe, just as much as you think you're so special that you're what "symbolizes" what these women here might have "missed" by not opting for single motherhood, maybe you're just angry that everyone here saw what was around the corner when they got pregnant, and instead of opting for premature motherhood, they decided to wait and not ruin their lives but go on raising kids when they were more ready. My mother and father were married for over twenty-five years, but my mother was a single parent pretty much that whole time because my dad was an asshole who only looked out for #1. I would've HIGHLY preferred a caring father-figure, just as much as I would've preferred a mother who had good credit and who wasn't a cheapskate on groceries but overspent on herself.
It's funny when someone calls you out, you shoot back with "maybe you should've been aborted! T_T". Mature; VERY mature. :D You HAVE been a judgmental asshole -- every post of yours in this thread has been one variation of "well, *I* don't think you KNOW how you feel. I think *I* did the right thing, and YOU didn't!" Oh, really -- then why don't you GTFO the thread, then, since what you REALLY want is validation for your lifestyle and to look down on people who were wise enough to avoid it? (Hey, if you want to discount others' experiences, then I can discount yours -- take what you give out.) We're all feminists and all, but SOME people just aren't dumb enough to raise kids when they know they can't do it. (Liking the presumptuous language, yet?)
In short, I don't think students, minors (18 and still in high school, and below), or the under- or unemployed have any business having children. There are already billions of neglected, badly-cared for children in this world, so why add one or two more, especially when there are MULTIPLE chances to avoid getting into that situation to begin with? Children aren't character-builders or *your* punishment for stupid sexual flings or rape -- they're PEOPLE, and they deserve the best situation you can provide for their welfare, not the worst or most medicore. I just don't think that giving birth to a kid in a brothel in Calcutta is really worth it -- sorry -- not every kid needs to be brought to term in all times and places in our lives. I've thousands of dollars in credit card and loan debt, I'm still looking for work, and I'm *still* not done with college; the dumbest fucking thing I could do right now is get pregnant -- that's not EVIL or REGRETTABLE, that's just fucking common sense. The DIFFERENCE between myself and you, however, is that, *I'M* not going to go to a teen mothers' forum, and act like I know my shit better than all of them, and then, act victimized when I get *deservedly* flamed for it. Guess what you're doing?
If you want to be here to tell people they're supposed to regret having abortions, then you should be asking yourself why you're so emotionally invested in going against the tide, and thus, *purposefully* (I think) trying to piss people off. Sorry, but that's exactly what a troll does: in a thread that supposed to be about people supporting each other in an unpopular position, you're the one who wants to be the token contrarian, discount people's experiences, ask stupid questions you could answer yourself via Google or just simple soul-searching, imply that their experiences or their emotional conclusions about them aren't real or true, and then, turn around and imply, if not outright say, over and over again that YOU'RE THE BIZNESS and everyone else was just WEAK (that's exactly what you mean when you say it's "real' strength'" (LOL) to raise a kid in a shitty situation versus a decent one). Maybe they are "weak" in that, they didn't feel it was worth it to be struggling the rest of their lives to raise a kid when they can just put it off for later when it would be easier -- that's not a character flaw, that's just being different, and what I would call being wise.
So, what point do you have to make in this thread, when you can just bow out and stop offending people? If you think I'm just on you for not conforming, then, why don't you go to a Focus on the Family Forum or a Shia Muslim community page, and start telling everyone there that everything they believe in is a bunch of lies and propaganda, and see how productive that is. Is that really worth it?
Don't post. Just think on it.
Aahh, I remember it like it was just yesterday...August 9, 1989. The day when it suddenly became acceptable to have a pregnancy alone and out of wedlock...
I AM AN EXCELLENT MOTHER---Something you wouldn't know jack about.
HOW IS A VIRGIN MORE SUITED TO EXPRESS HER STANCE THAN A WOMAN WHO HAD ACTUALLY HAD TO MAKE THIS MOST DIFFICULT CHOICE?????????
You are a bigot against single moms.
Furthermore, you are a psychotic who has no respect for a human being's life.
Plus you are selfish. I hope all the parishioners down at the atlanta church pray for your anti-mother soul--if you have one.
On "regret" - thinking "It sucks that this situation happened where I had to make this difficult choice" is not the same as "OMG I made the wrong decision."
DISCLAIMER: I understand completely how a woman raped would have no regrets aborting the pregnancy!!
Mayfly's and other stories like hers do not include rape, but a significant other who was totally supportive and with whom they shared a loving relationship.
You ROCK for publicly telling your story, and admitting that you don't regret it!! We should never feel sorry for making your own health decisions. You're a bad ass!
Thank you for posting this! A website, if you're interested, is imnotsorry.net which is also many stories of abortion from women that also are not sorry they chose that. Personally I think too many stories focus on that "it was the worst decision of my life" or the "I'm so glad I didn't abort!" it is very, very rare to hear from the "I wish I aborted" group, although not completely uncommon for it to sound like "I wish I could have had my children later." And not heard from, but there, women unhappy after adoption. I think there is a lot of shame surrounding abortion, which is not necessary.
*Nods* I posted my story on I'm Not Sorry.
It always warms my heart to hear from more women who have had positive experiences with abortion. Every single story helps fill out the picture of the reality, which is not nearly as grim as many seem to want to paint it. So thank you, Mayfly, for sharing. :)
(For my part, it was an easy decision as I don't ever want children, and have no moral qualms about abortion. I am a monster so far as the pro-lifers are concerned. Lucky for me, I don't worry about what they think. ;))
Oh man, that actually sounds scarier than I thought. It makes me never want to have sex, how could anyone stand having an IV in their arm, or bleeding? Ugh. But then again, I hate all kinds of medical procedure. I think using two or three varieties of contraception makes sense... I wish I could get over my fear that usually sex = unplanned pregnancy = abortion.
how could anyone stand having an IV in their arm, or bleeding?
???
What a strange thing to ask.
I'll answer. I can stand having an IV in my arm because it's usually necessary for what I want or need to do at the moment. Like give blood or plasma. Or to get drugs when I had my wisdom teeth out. Or if I'm sick and need hydration or something.
Also, I've been having sex consistently for about 3 years now and haven't been pregnant. It helps to be educated about what exactly needs to happen in both men and women's bodies when pregnancy might occur to relax and realize what you need to do to stop it.
(Sorry, I'm not saying education will stop all pregnancies and that even with perfect use, contraception can fail. I'm saying that education can keep you from fretting about pregnancy every time you have sex.)
That was a bit of a funny question.
Don't you bleed once a month anyhow?
It's just like a 2 week long period with stronger pains, and then it's over.
And an IV isn't even felt when it's put in by someone who knows what they're doing.
I don't think either of those things are really the things to get worried about in this situation. They're really not that bad.
*edit*: that was meant to be a reply to NettleSyrup, not to ElleStar.
I know, it's just that I've always had a bit of a problem when it comes to medical procedures. I think a lot of it **is** due to propaganda, or a fear of the unknown, because I've never been to hospital or been pregnant, so I wouldn't know. I guess it's just that my ideas are as irrational as the original poster's anxieties. But all my life I've been panicked whenever someone does something as simple as give me a blood pressure test. This feeling overwhelms me and I feel like I'm going to throw up or faint. I'd like to give blood, but my aversion to all this kind of thing is too strong. I just can't stand the feelings of being disorientated or dizzy because of a drug or a medical procedure - my period doesn't affect me this way, nor does illness. I don't mind those, it's just the idea of not being able to control myself, or something (I can't imagine how people must feel when they're forced to continue a pregnancy!) I think this has something to do with my childhood, where I had anxiety problems and was pretty much a hypochondriac. I thought I'd got over that by now, but I'm reminded how much it can stick with you. I won't take anything that has even the smallest amount of side effects, even if it's asprin! I wonder if there's a way round this. I've sometimes thought maybe going through a pregnancy would cure it, because if I could do that I could do anything.
Yeah. I can totally understand those anxieties.
I meant to sound reassuring rather than chastising in my comment, though it's had to do tone via text, so that might not have come across well.
I don't much like needles either, but never as bad as you. I hope that you do manage to get through that one day, it must be really frustrating to deal with, and I hope you never end up in a situation like that where you feel like you're losing control.
The procedure really isn't that bad if you're asleep and in good hands. They told me a joke with hooking me up to the IV so I was distracted and I didn't feel a thing, and afterwards, honestly its just like a period with pains that last a bit longer than usual and tiredness.
And, believe me, I felt a hell of a lot more in control of my body after it than before it. The relief more than made up for it in my case!
If you double up and you're very careful with birth control then (fingers crossed) it'll never be something you have to deal with.
It'd be a shame to miss out on something as great as sex!
Hmm. The half-second prick of an IV or the lifetime commitment you never intended to make?
I have a severe needle phobia, but that doesn't stop me from getting necessary medical procedures that involve shots (although I do require anti-anxiety medication when I do).
Yeah, I'm afraid of needles too (I don't need to take anti-anxiety meds before hand, but I hate hate hate needles) but that's never stopped me from sucking it up and getting necessary procedures done. It would definitely not stop me from something like this. I couldn't imagine going through with an unwanted pregnancy because I was afraid of an IV or something.
off-topic, but what anti-anxiety meds do they give you? i am extremely, extremely phobic of needles and i DO avoid medical care because of it. i only got my teeth done because it was abscessed and i was more afraid of dying than a needle, and they gave me Halcyon. unfortunately, most doctors and dentists are looooooooathe to give you Halcyon because they have to monitor your heart rate while you're on it.
so what do they give you? just curious, in case it might help me.
to everyone else:
obviously yall haven't had phobias or something, but seriously, my phobia of needles is so fucking irrational that if i found out i'd have to have a surgical abortion instead of mifepristone, i'd have an insane amount of trouble not just holing myself up in my house for 9 months until the damn thing was born so i could avoid ob-gyn appts (and thus needles), too. YES, all because of that half-second needle prick.
please stop being condescending. it is seriously a horrible phobia to have, and can actually kill you from the vaso-vagal reaction some needlephobes can have. it's not that we're fucking childish, okay?
Thanks Mayfly, for sharing your story. I am overjoyed all went well with you. Reading your story and the ones like it in the thread are inspiring and uplifting.
Here's mine.
I was 23 years old. Just out of college and going through a pretty rough time in my life. One night I went to see a band at a bar. That night I was raped. The police said I'd been drugged. For months, I tried to remember what happened, but nothing came. snippets started coming back. Like flashes of memories. That's the way it is when I try to think about it now. Just pieces. Flash forward six weeks. I was two weeks late getting my period. My friend had me take a pregnancy test, just to make sure. It came back positive. I told her I wanted an abortion. I knew right away it was the right thing for me to do. I only told my two other closest friends (we were a pretty tight group of four). It was, ironically, April Fool's Day.
Having no money, my friend lent it to me. All 425 dollars of it. I had to wait two more weeks before I could go in for the procedure though. When I asked why I had to wait, the lady on the other end of the line said it was because I may have a miscarriage first. She was polite and kind to me when I stayed on the line sobbing and begging her to make an exception because I didn't think I could make it 14 days. Those were the hardest two weeks of my life. I felt dirty, violated, used, and scared. I spent days convincing myself the pro-lifers were right, that I was wrong and I would be sorry forever. I couldn't eat or sleep. I took showers in my underwear because I couldn't stand the feel of my own body. I spent hours torturing myself on pro-life websites, looking for the salvation I thought I needed but couldn't get. I went to talk to my priest (I had been raised Catholic and didn't know who else to ask) and was told if I did what I was planning to do God and the church would turn their backs on me. To make matters worse, I told my friends I was fine. That I was working through being raped just fine and that this abortion didn't bother me too much. Of course I wasn't fine and I wasn't dealing with anything.
The day came and my friend drove me the three hours to the only abortion clinic in my home state. About 30 minutes before we arrived the clinic called to tell me they'd be meeting me out front to escort me inside,"for my safety". I was in no way prepared for the venomous nature of the protesters. I remember some of their faces. It's been 4.5 years and I still haven't forgotten them.
Once inside, I filled out the paper work, went through the mini-counseling session and waited. There was a girl a few chairs over from us. She was alone. She told me she'd been too scared to tell anyone, because she knew her family would put her out of their home and her boyfriend (and the man who got her pregnant, mind you) would leave her. She had no-one. I asked her to sit with us if she wanted. It took her awhile, but she did.
The doctors and nurses were wonderful. My friend held my hand and the nurse prayed the rosary aloud for me because I was crying so hard. I chose not to be put under. I wanted to be awake through the whole thing so I would never forget it. After it was over I went to another room to calm down and gain back some strength. I talked with the nurse about contraceptives and she wrote me a prescription.
At home, I began to heal. It took a long time. I learned a lot about myself and what I stood for. I went to a support group listed in the paper. I'm not sure what I was looking for there, but I thought actually talking about what had happened to me, including the assault would make it more real and I'd heal faster. About 10 minutes in I realized it was a faith based group. I was asked to leave when I wouldn't say I regretted my decision. I stood up, looked them right in the eye and told them I'd never be ashamed of my choice and that I'd keep fighting them to defend it. Two other girls left with me.
Now, I really am fine. I'm stronger, wiser and more compassionate than I've ever been. Sliding down my own personal rabbit hole made me a better person. I know what I stand for and why. I'm a better friend. I fight harder for what I believe. Most of all, I live without regret and without looking back.
your story shows me how much strength and power we have inside of us. thank you so much.
Thank you for sharing, ELB.
May your strength and courage continue to inspire others.
I just want to say that my heart goes out to you and your courage. I have a story much like yours. I was drugged and raped. I reported it and went to the hospital, but the nurse talked me out of taking the morning after pill - I wanted it but I was too vulnerable at the time to fight for it.
I spent two horror-struck weeks terrified that I would be pregnant. When I first considered the possibility I actually vomited. Which did not really help to allay my fears.
I was lucky because I did get my period. However before this experience I had been somewhat ambiguous about abortion; I personally felt it was wrong and I would never have one, but that it should be legal. But just the idea that I could be pregnant with the child of my rapist was tortuous. I knew in that instant that I would sooner have died than carried through with such a pregnancy.
If I had not been as lucky, I would have done the exact same thing as you. I am so sorry for the two weeks you had to go through. And thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing this. I was raped, too, and fortunately the nurse in my ER had no qualms about offering EC. In fact, she seemed like she was geared up to have to talk me into taking it, and told me later that a lot of survivors in that hospital turn it down. When I think back on the first year or so after my rape - how messed up I was, how disconnected I was from my body, how hard it was just to function normally - there's no way I could imagine going through it all pregnant by my rapist. I don't think I would have survived. (And no, I don't think that makes me weak.)
I went from angry tears to a proud smile while reading this. Thank you for sharing your story.
"your story shows me how much strength and power we have inside of us. thank you so much."
Echo that. You're a rock star.
Wow - that took a lot of guts to go through what you did. Personally, although I don't believe in Post Abortion Syndrome (not good enough for the DSM = not good enough for me), I think a lot of the stress and guilt and negative feelings that the anti-choice crowd attribute to women after abortions comes from the torture anti-choicers put women through during the experience - the protesters, the pictures of miscarried fetuses (because they're not aborted ones on the signs - the aborted ones aren't big enough to look as nasty as the anti-choice crowd wants them to look), the websites, the priests saying you'll go to hell, all of that is a million times worse, I would think, than the procedure itself. If they want to cure "Post Abortion Syndrome," maybe they should stop acting like animals.
Thanks for sharing your story. I had an abortion when I was 18 and I don't regret it either. What I do regret is getting pregnant in the first place! I regret that I was so naive and ignorant of the workings of my body that I didn't know what was going on until the second trimester. I regret that I was too intimidated by my boyfriend to speak up and tell him to buy some condoms. I regret that I was too scared and uninformed to go the doctor and get birth control. But what I don't regret is making the responsible and difficult decision to have an abortion when faced with a pregnancy I wasn't ready for.
Thank you for that. You're very brave. I'm so glad to hear it went well.
A friend of mine had an abortion with her first pregnancy about a year ago. She really didn't have the support she needed (even for the ABORTION, much less a real baby), and her total asshole womanizing emotionally abusive boyfriend was part of the problem. I helped her with it financially because I was in another state and it was the least I could do. But she agrees it was the right decision.
Thanks for sharing, Mayfly. My own story is pretty bad. I don't really like thinking about the details, but the gist of it is that I was raped by several older boys when I was 14, and it happened repeatedly. I got pregnant, and I don't regret the decision to abort that pregnancy at all. I don't think most 14 year olds can bear or raise a child after that sort of experience, and I thank god (in a figurative sense) that I didn't have to go through with that pregnancy.
What does bum me out is that I never told ANYONE I was raped, or that I was pregnant. For those who can get it, family support is probably one of the most important things to have for this kind of thing. Not necessarily because it's so horrible to have an abortion, but because the issue is complex, and it raises other issues, and involves a lot of emotions for a lot of people.
I'm glad you had people who loved you there.
Thank you for sharing this. The disclaimer made it sound way more graphic than it was.
I think one thing to remember is that God imbued us with the ability to choose. He gave us the intelligence to create this technology and the ability to use it. If He didn't want that to happen, He would have done something about it long ago.
Again, thank you for sharing this. This was really fantastic in the sense that it shows the many faces that pregnancy termination can manifest. You know you did the right thing and that is beautiful.
What you wrote is why choice is so important.
I had an abortion last year, before the fact I was terrified. I was scared that it would make me a bad *future* mother, I was scared that I would be left sterile, the my boyfriend would leave me, that I would get breast cancer, that I would be suicidal afterwords, all the stuff that pro-lifers scare you with. None of it happened and it was just simply the right decision for the time, even though my best friend told me that I would regret the decision forever, like she does hers.
My abortion was much the same as yours, it was just...the right thing to do. My boyfriend had been bringing home kittens from his work sites (as a security guard he went all over), some of them very young, some of them very sick. After some of them died, a vet examined their bodies and told me that what had killed them would potentially kill my fetus. I had also been handling a lot of cat litter (to clean it) and had thus been exposed to toxoplasmosis, which causes birth defects. Add that to the fact that we had no money and no concrete place to live, we needed to have an abortion.
I'm not sterile, my boyfriend and I still love each other very much, and I will still be an excellent mother.
I'm glad to know other women exist who have had positive experiences with abortion.
I had a medical abortion (the pill type) 2 years ago, and it was relatively painless. I did feel sad that it had happened in a time in my life when I wasn't ready, and I fleetingly wondered if I would feel like I had rejected this potential baby later on when I am really ready to have a baby, and accept that pregnancy. I guess time will tell. Great post!
I had an abortion 2 weeks ago today and I do not regret it.
My partner and I had gotten pregnant in 2004 and lost a baby due to prematurity. She was born at 22 weeks. It turns out I have a bad case of incompetent cervix, or as I call it, lazy cervix. It was devastating to lose a child in this way, she died in my arms.
I had my miracle baby 15 months ago after enduring cerclage surgery, 4 months of bedrest, 3 of it in the hospital, being surrounded by experts who gave me a 3% change of delivering after 37 weeks. At 30 weeks I delivered a healthy baby girl. She lived in the NICU for 12 weeks which was the hardest experience of my life. She is happy and healthy now.
Another healthy child is unlikely to happen again and I am now on state insurance. My cadillac insurance plan I had and disability insurance I had during my miracle pregnancy are no more. I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant and without hesitation called Planned Parenthood.
The Milwaukee Planned Parenthood clinic was excellent. They understood my choice and were supportive and informative. The doctor who performed my surgery offered to do a tubal litigation this summer for me, because I told her I was not going to have more children but no doctor would take my case or insurance on due to my age. She understood that with my condition, abortion was to prevent the suffering of a child, also the prevention of suffering of the parents.
The pro-lifers do not understand that in some cases the pregnancy is dangerous to the life of the child, especially in women who has preterm labor consistently or have cervical issues like I do. These are the same people who want to cut funding to state insurance plans and who are against social services that help poor families dealing with crisis pregnancies. To any pro-lifer who condemns me for my choice to end a doomed pregnancy, I invite them to pay my $540,000 hospital bill for my daughter.
Great post! Thanks for sharing your story. The fact that you had a second-trimester abortion highlights the importance of abortion being available for everyone at any stage of pregnancy. Some people are tolerant of abortion rights only so far, but it's important that women have the choice, no matter what.
Some great books: "This Common Secret" and "Why I am an abortion doctor", both from the perspective of abortion providers. Some good blogs:
Imnotsorry.net
abortionclinicdays.blogspot.com
http://1outof3.blogspot.com/
http://myabortionblog.tumblr.com/
http://prochoiceabortionblog.blogspot.com/
myabortion.tumblr.com
Good story it looks like the actual abortion did hurt your health but you got back on your feet the emotional trauma sounds like it’s coming from exactly where I’ve always though it was coming from, the lying anti choice crowd. I’m almost too pro choice for planned parenthood but I make no allowance what so ever for anything said by the anti choice whackos or even that they exist. When all is said and done abortion is about like an appendectomy and I’ have heard accounts where it was even less than that. Also good luck getting off of the booze I struggled with a lousy diet most of my life until I weighed 230 pounds I’m now down to 169 and feel much better. I wish I would never have done that to myself, it was really stupid in retrospect but I guess I just had to reach that point where I wanted something better for my self.
I think you are very brave to share this story and I think you made the right decision for you. Brava.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. Thank our govt for freedom of choice.
I would like to chime in that I know someone who had two 2nd term (I believe) abortions. She didn't wait for fun. It was an agonizing decision and the only reason she waited was for financial reasons.
Abortions are de facto illegal if you can't get access to them! Mandatory waiting periods, mandatory counseling, money (you can't work when you have morning sickness, and you can't afford the procedure if you don't work) 2,3,4,5,6+ hour drives to clinics because your county/state/region doesn't have procedures. Taking time off work. Taking care of your children. That's all if you don't get suckered into "crisis pregnancy centers" which a lot of young women do. All of these things are reasons why people wait.
Making abortion more accessible and making emergency or regular contraception widely available and FREE should be a goal of everyone, even people against choice. Surely if you feel abortion is wrong that if there is a "good" one, it's an early one? Less trauma for everyone.
You made the right choice. The only person making the wrong choice is anyone who tells you that you didn't.
What if someone thinks it's the wrong decision but she should still have the legal right to make it? To you is that lumped in with the people that would like to make abortion illegal? Is there any legitimate view on abortion besides celebrating it?
I think you misread my comment. Anyone who tells her she made the wrong choice is in the wrong. Hold whatever belief you like, and do what you like with your own body-- but never tell someone else that their choice to have an abortion was wrong because you believe differently about your own body. And most definitely never try to restrict someone from making a choice that is right for them. Clear now?
No. It's not clear.
I'm not saying mayfly was wrong. And who cares what the fuck I might think of her choices anyway? I don't even exist, I'm out here in cyberspace and she did what had to in the real world.
But as an ethical discussion, are there any situations where abortion is the wrong decision? Or is it some kind of sacred choice that is completely above all scrutiny?
"Or is it some kind of sacred choice that is completely above all scrutiny?"
Yup.
What about sex-selective abortion, is anyone who condemns that also making a wrong choice? Is abortion only good as far as you agree with the motives for getting it, or is it a choice that is not to be questioned? I'm not trying to equate the author's scenario to sex-selective abortion, and I'm not trying to argue with you so much as really asking. Is there any case where you'd say that it's wrong (even if you wouldn't necessarily try to outlaw it)? Or is it a decision that is off-limits to the scrutiny of others?
I'm not sure if anyone else mentioned this, but http://www.imnotsorry.net/ is an archive of positive abortion experiences.
This is a good blog, thank you for sharing. I am SO bloody sick of "abortion regret" stories. Glad to know that many women out there do NOT regret getting abortions (and they shouldn't apologize for it, either).
I had 2. I don't regret a single one. Everytime i drive by someone with a prochoice bumper sticker I want to yell at them to roll down their windows and let them know that I had an abortion and I made the right decision and I don't regret it.
My god...I would have no money, no job, and be stuck with 2 kids on the dole...no thx.
Semantics and language aside, living, breathing human beings come first. We often used to have this debate in my Medical Ethics class. My professor used to take the idea even further than the abortion debate; he would ask anti-abortion students whether they felt they had an obligation to keep the planet clean and healthy for generations yet unborn. They often would not know what to say.
That to me is the crux of the abortion debate. We all feel protective of women carrying the next generation - the fetus inside a pregnant woman's womb is an immediate reminder of the future to come. But, a person yet unborn does not have more rights than a living person. Period. It does not matter if that person will be more in three months, or three years, or at all.
I had an abortion when I was 18. I had been with my boyfriend for 2 years (we are still together today). He was 19.
My gyno. recommended I terminate the pregnancy the day I found out. She said that medically it was a bad idea (I have some health problems) and that I was far too young to be an effective parent. "Babies shouldn't be having babies," she told me. She was seven months pregnant with her second child.
The doctor who performed my abortion was the doctor who had delivered me from my mother's womb 18 years earlier. They did the procedure in a private hospital. All of the nurses and staff were kind to me and treated me well.
In college, I blossomed in a way I never would have if I had had a child. I played college sports, joined a [feminist] sorority, excelled in my classes, and gained wonderful and important life experiences that I am excited to share with my future children.
I am currently a volunteer teacher at an inner-city school. I am dedicated to supporting women's athletics and will be the first female athletic director at my school. I work with parents who had their children at 16, 17, 18, 19... I see how they struggle. I see how unhappy some of them are. I see how much their children struggle. Babies should not have babies.
I would not have the life I have now if I'd had a child at 18. I wouldn't have gone to college; my boyfriend wouldn't have been able to pursue his dreams; I wouldn't be helping my students now.
Sometimes I think of what it would be like to have a five year old, right now... that's not the kind of life I want.
I am so sad to read your comment. I feel sorry for someone who knows the joys of being a teacher and doesn't regret becoming the mother of a five year old. Hope your boyfriend and sorority are all doing great.
I am sure some of the babies having babies are enduring through hardships that made them very proud. The pay-off is so great and does make them happy. Not everyday of life can be a super fun dance party.
Fyi:Btw: Mayfly at 21 is a legal adult. 18 you can join the army, vote and buy cigarettes. 16-17 can drive and can be legally emancipated or married in some states. Yet, you say babies should not have babies?
I had an abortion at 16. The first time I had sex, I got pregnant. We used a condom, but it broke, and I took the morning after pill two days later, and it failed.
I was too young to have a child, and it was an easy decision for me. It was clearly the best option, and luckily I was living somewhere with access.
Now that I am older and have an established life and am starting my career, I can think properly about having children. None of this would be possible if I hadn't had an abortion.
Thank you, Mayfly, and everyone else that shared their encouragind stories.
I too has an abortion when I was 22. I had been with my bf for 2+ years, and we had talked about getting married and having kids soon, so like a fool, I was too relaxed about birth control. Due to health problems, I can't be on hormonal bc, but I got lax about condoms. So, I got pregnant and he immediately left me. He said he had been sleeping with 2 other women - one of which he said he loved - and he didn't love me. I wanted kids desperately - I always knew I wanted a family. I grew up in a very abusive household, so I knew from a young age that I wanted to make a loving family of my own. Even though I love kids and wanted my own, I knew this wasn't how to do it. I told one friend of mine because I needed support from somewhere, and she told me I would regret it forever if I murdered my child. My bf begged me not to kill his baby. I literally had no one I could turn to. So, I went to planned parenthood and met the most wonderful woman in the world. She held my hand. she talked to me on the phone every day for weeks and listened to me cry. Once, I begged her to tell me it was ok - I needed to hear from someone in my life that having an abortion is ok. She said "it is ok". From that, I found the strength I needed. It has been over 2 years since I had the abortion, and I always knew it was the correct decision. I did suffer emotionally from the whole situation - I never thougth my bf would turn out to be such a horrible person, and I never thought I would have to face terminating a pregnancy. Even though I still have trouble facing him leaving me when I needed him so badly, I know I did the right thing by aborting - and I don't regret it.
I'm only halfway through reading the posts, but I wanted to comment on the semantics part. I am pro-choice, pro-abortion, and I believe that it is a fetus inside of the body, and a baby after a birth to a living breathing baby. That said, I think that every pregnant person has the right to call it what they wish. If someone really wants to carry the pregnancy to term, and it was a wanted or planned pregnancy, they are more likely to use the term "baby" because they feel more emotionally connected to what it will eventually be and more likely to feel the loss of a "baby" if there is a miscarriage. Conversely, someone who's not sure if they want to carry it to term or is certain that they don't want to will be more likely to call it by it's scientific name - a "fetus" because they don't see it as ever becoming a "baby."
Some of the arguments against having abortions are assuming that the reason for the abortion had to do with materialism and wanting a white picket fence. To that I will say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being poor and raising children – if raising children is something you want in life. However, some people simply don't want children. Don't want to be responsible for another human being. Don't have an interest in or even like children - the same way that some people simply don't like dogs or cats. An adoption agency wouldn't allow a couple who doesn't like kids to adopt a child because they would assume the child would not be loved and might even be mistreated. It's not right to argue that a person should bring the pregnancy to term, if they know that they won't love that kid. There is no way to get out of being a parent once that kid is born, even if you give up the kid. Even if there is a closed adoption, the kid is still most likely going to look up the parent someday. Some people don't want to ever be in that situation. People have the right to be childless their whole lives.
Another thing is, why try to make someone regret something that they don't? Guilt is an awful emotion. It's one thing to voice your opinion, but why voice it after the fact when all it can do is potentially make someone feel badly and can't do anything productive? Now that the abortion has already taken place and there's nothing that can be changed, why ask someone to think about missed opportunities – wouldn't you want them to do that when there's still a chance for them to change their minds, and not as method of punishing them? There's enough guilt in this world. There's enough forums out there for pro-life. This is a community for feminists so at the very least we should support each other. If we were debating the merits of abortion, that would be the place to say these things, but this is a thread for someone who shared a very personal story in a community where she feels safe to do so, because there aren't that many places where people can talk about such things. If feminists have to worry about posting feminist viewpoints on a feminist website, then where is the safe space to talk about such issues?
Thank you. I understand better the no regrets thing.
In Mayfly's instance, she said that she wanted children---along with the "perfect" nuclear family. Do you think that there are cases in which the decision to abort was made simply because the woman was unwed and young and not because the person really believed they did not want the pregnancy?
There are women who are unwed, young, and want a pregnancy. Sometimes they don't get the support they need and are pressured to abort when they don't want to, usually by their parents who are well-intentioned. Feminism fights this too, because forcing or coercing a woman to abort is not freedom of choice.
However, they are definitely in the minority. Most young women genuinely do not believe they are ready to provide a good life for a child, so while being young does not mean genuinely not wanting to go to term, it is highly correlated with it.
whoa there are LOTS of comments. I read most of them. Well, thank YOU and thanks to the other women who have had abortions and shared your story!
the only abortion story i know is a friend of mine who is filled with so much shame and secrecy. she's a big-time pro-lifer now. I wish she didn't have that shame and regret :-(
I don't see why people get all emotional about abortion. I don't see it. Yes, they do it, this thread is a perfect example, but it makes no sense to me. Then again, my grandmother was a nurse and I am third-generation prochoice.
Before birth=fetus. After being born=baby.
My body=my business. Simple.
My partner and I have a child and parenthood is great--now. But I did not "bond" in any way with the fetus, even though the pregnancy was planned and very much wanted. I could not make myself romanticize a parasitic mass, even when I tried, and felt silly when other people did.
I'm more pro-choice than I ever was having experienced the pregnancy. And I would no more feel shame over an abortion than I weep every month over the loss of humanity when I menstruate.
Probably I'll get responses about what a terrible parent I must be for not swooning over pregnancy but that's life. Pregancy is NOT parenthood.
GO, Mayfly.
I agree about abortion vs. menstruating. Overemotionalism is the pathway to being ignored and not being taken seriously as a woman, and it should be avoided whenever possible.
"Probably I'll get responses about what a terrible parent I must be for not swooning over pregnancy but that's life."
The thing is, though, you shouldn't have had to worry about that. This was supposed to be that thread where you didn't have to worry about judgmental busybodies thinking that they know how to run your life better than you know your own. But, NO! :P Damn, there already was that "if you're pro-life, you probably won't like this post" disclaimer. All the heartache one experiences afterwards is his or her own damn fault for actively ignoring warnings.
So... Yeah, GO, Mayfly.
I think you have it right when you say your lack of an emotional response has something to do with having a pro-choice family.
A friend of mine had an abortion a few years ago. While she was sure it was the right thing to do for her, it was a really difficult and heart-wrenching decision to make because her family is full of crazy pro-lifers. If they ever found out it's likely they would disown her.
Imagine having to decide between what you feel is right and what you have been told is right (your whole life, by the people closest to you). Maybe that will help you understand why some people get so emotional.
I had an abortion about 8 months ago--in fact, according to the slip of paper planned parenthood gave me, today would have been my due date.
I didn't have to think twice when the pregnancy test came back positive. The decision to have an abortion was easy to make and I am very lucky that I had my choice of where to have it done and a lot of support from friends and family.
I won't lie though, I sometimes pause when I see pregnant women. I wonder what kind of child my boyfriend and I would have. I look forward to being ready to have a kid; it's something I've always wanted to do. It doesn't help that at least 3 people I know got pregnant right around the same time and all decided to continue theirs. BUT, I honestly don't regret my decision for a second. There is no way I could support a child right now and when I finally do have a kid I want to do it right.
I started volunteering at planned parenthood a few months after my abortion, which has been a really awesome experience. I highly recommend it.