I don't really have anything to add, I just greatly enjoyed this story. I am glad that at least your boyfriend was there for you when no one else was.

Now that I'm rereading and see you asked: my school spends a good half-semester on sex when we are sophomores, but there is also a sex ed video viewing and discussion with our teachers in 6th grade. My parents never discussed sex with me, but I never had the need to ask. As I started reading stories like this one on the Internet, I realize I have been very privileged.

My community has never objected to full-on sex education complete with condom usage and detailing the pleasure part of the act. We did have one visit by some traveling abstinence-ed people, but they were regarded a bit like visiting circus clowns by the majority of the student body. That is not to say that the ramifications of unprotected sex were not taken seriously, but that by that point in our education we could not see anything of great value in their bright and shiny parade of purported moral values.

My story of learning about my body could be the same as yours. I knew what sex was but didn't really understand what oral was, and didn't really know the clit existed until I met my boyfriend last year. I wasn't even exactly sure about my own anatomy until then. He taught me stuff, and I looked online for more information. It was at that point that I vowed that I would teach my kids (especially daughter) everything that I didn't know.

I highly recommend picking up a copy of "Our Bodies Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era."

You can buy it here: http://www.powells.com/biblio?PID=29701&cgi=product&isbn=0743256115

And get more off their website here:
http://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/book/default.asp

While my mom did a good job of going over anatomy/physiology basics with me when it came to sex, that was pretty much it. There was never any discussion about masturbation, pleasure, self-discovery, getting over guilt/shame, asking for what you want, etc. But my copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves helped A LOT with those topics, and the physiology stuff that my mom was too embarrassed to talk about (like STD symptoms). The book is a great first stop for any questions you still have and is filled with resources on where to get more info.

My parents never talked about sex when I was in my pre-teen/early teen years - they always skipped around the topic when I tried to ask them, and certainly never offered any kind of discussion of their own accord (and on one occasion that I can remember outright lied to me). They've always been overprotective, and just tried to shield me from everything. They're no longer afraid of even mentioning something sex-related in front of me, but they've never actually talked to me about sex even in terms of safety, and probably never will. I've had to learn from friends, the internet and the somewhat basic sex ed provided as I went through the school system.

(First time commenting, btw!)

Thank you for sharing your story. Mine is almost exactly the same. Learning about your anatomy and other sex-related topics relatively later in life is detrimental to one's own personal development, and sometimes safety. I really wish I could have learned about sex (and all its nuances) earlier on. I believe that our society's puritanical views about sex and self-censorship in the name of "protecting" children is detrimental to them because I think everyone has the right to comprehensive sex ed and supportive people in their lives from whom they can learn and grow.

Now that you've started the path of learning, don't stop! I've enjoyed every moment of it.

And we've both been lucky to have loving and open-minded partners to assist in that journey. I think these types of partners are severely under appreciated in general. A rude, impatient, narrow-minded partner can do a lot of damage to a woman's self-esteem and body image, especially if that woman hasn't fully discovered who she is and what she wants sexually.

In terms of advice, I would recommend doing a lot of Google and Wikipedia research, and maybe check out ScarletTeen, which was my method of learning when I was starting college. Even reading statistics about female masturbation helped me get over the shame induced by society and religion. The things I learned (and the Feminism it lead me to) were a revelation that totally changed my life for the better!

Now that I think about it, I don't remember learning about clits in health class (where we covered sex as well as nutrition and drugs and stuff)... Maybe.. I don't remember... but I got my sex ed from a series of peer ed training courses at Planned Parenthood =)

I'm going to make a plug for OWL again (offered through Unitarian Universalism and United Church of Christ)

Your story floored me, because I thought in the age of the internet, HOW could this happen?

But I guess it can. You're so right about our culture. Sex is talked about ad nauseum, except in ways that are actually productive, positive, or provide useful information. I would love to use your story (anonymously, not even mentioning the source) in one of my classes if that would be OK with you.

I think many girls have this problem. I didn't know I had a vagina until I was like 13... even though I had a period since I was 10! No one ever explained what was causing it. And I never remember the clit being talked about ONCE in sex ed, just the vagina. So when I started masturbating, I didn't know it was masturbation... I thought that would involve vagina and I was just touching the outside. I was so damn confused. Without the internet and some good friends, I would have been lost my entire life.

I hate that sex ed is kept under wraps and I'm glad other people do too. Now we have to change the problem by actually teaching our children.

I distinctly remember a junior high sex ed class (in which there were two pregnant girls) where we were all pestering the teacher, a harassed and unprepared gym teacher who had clearly been pressed into service against her will. We were pestering her because we could understand how a penis would fit into a vagina, but we couldn't understand WHY anybody would want to do that. She skirted and skirted the issue, but she finally broke down and told us, in a hushed voice and darting looks at the door to be sure no one was listening, that it could feel good. My parents were good about allowing and encouraging exploration of your own body- they just told us to do it in private- so I had already figured out how to make myself feel good on my own. But that was my introduction to the idea of pleasure from intercourse- barely there, and completely hetero-focused.

As for the next generation, just last night during potty training I taught my 3-year old son the words "foreskin" and "glans." It was a tad weird for me, but he liked using the new words, and I want him to feel like he can talk to me about sex.

You are NOT the only one. I didn't even know what a period was until I got one. As you can imagine, that was a very scary experience for me. I thought I was dying, and I was afraid to talk about it.

However, even when I was young, I read a lot, and my parents didn't supervise what I did online or what I read. I was a lot more educated about sex than most of my peers.

Still though, to this day, I've NEVER talked to my parents about sex. My mother and I have hardly ever even mentioned periods. As much as I love my parents, this is a really HORRIBLE thing to do to your kid.

As a parent, I get ranty about this. I really feel we have to start with the anatomy in order to have the foundation to teach our children how to make their own decisions.

My parents never really taught me about sex, either. My mother did shame me for masturbating though. I started masturbating when I was 5 because it felt good, or "tickled" as I called it back then. Even if I was in my room with the door closed and LOCKED, my mom would pound on the door yelling "I know what you're doing in there!" and then scold me afterward. I never stopped masturbating, but I did have a huge shame complex for a while. In retrospect, I find her behavior disgusting.

Sex ed in grade school was a joke, probably because I went to a Catholic school. A lot of the information was inaccurate, too, such as "HIV can pass through condoms."

Even with all the self education I did once I had access to the internet, I didn't know where my clitoris was until I started having sex at 18 and realized my boyfriend probably knew more about my anatomy than I did. Turns out I'd been mistaking my clitoris for the urethra! I don't think I've ever seen an accurate diagram of the vulva - they always show the urethra as being above the labia minora, but mine is definitely below it...practically inside the vagina. Maybe that's not typical?

Anyway, I've always found the-clitoris.com to be a helpful resource for learning about female anatomy and sexuality. I don't want kids, but if I did, I would teach them from the start not to feel ashamed of their bodies, that masturbation is healthy and normal, all the parts of their anatomy, etc. I find it reprehensible that sex education doesn't even do a good job of this.

I remember in sex ed we talked a lot about the penis. We talked about how it goes from soft to hard, how the head is the most sensitive, how with enough stimulation it causes ejaculation, how this feels good to a male, etc. I think all the female anatomy was basically this is where the penis goes, and this is how the baby comes out. It was like for boys the message was "this is part of reproduction, but its fun, too". For the girls it was just "your vagina is for taking in penises and pushing out babies".

Wow, almost the exact same story here. My mother always referred to herself as a feminist, but the only time she talked to me about sex was when she was trying to scare me.

I masturbated when I was younger, but I felt guilty for it and had no idea what I was doing. As I got older my mother talked about sex, but she mostly told me horror stories of girls who had gotten STDs cancer, pregnant ect.

When I went in for a checkup, the doctor who was a relatively young woman herself, suggested I get the Gardasil vaccine. My mother practically shouted NO and gave monosyllabic replies to her insistences that I should get the shot when I was young.

But here's the best part. After freaking out at the idea of my getting it, she asked if they had a similar one for boys. Apparently she has different standards for my brother...

I worked out most of my information about sex from friends and the internet as well. So I decided she was wrong about the whole abstinence thing and that I would just keep my opinions to myself so as not to freak her out.

But eventually I broke down a few months ago (I'm 19) and asked my mother why she seemed so hell bent on me not having sex before I got married (I thought she had insinuated that, anyways).

She told me she thought I could have sex whenever I felt ready and tried to deny any of the past behavior. She kept saying she didn't remember doing any of it, but was clearly embarrassed.

I still don't know what the deal is with her mixed messages! She always seems to have this attitude about anything to do with gender...

Ick, I suddenly feel lucky having the parents I do. The vast majority of the information I have didn't come from them, but when my sister became sexually active she was able to talk to them about it.

In the 5th grade they separated the boys and girls to talk to them about puberty. In my high school health class there we learned about sex alongside the dangers of drugs and peer pressure. There was even a time when a speaker came and showed us how to put a condom on a banana. I consider that a pretty decent sex education from school, but for most of what I know I'll cite Scarlateen.com

The whole thing of shielding children is horrible. Even if your goal is the ensure your child's chastity, even if you want them to remain virgins, pretending sex doesn't exist it wrong. In general parents pass on their values to their children, but by leaving out discussions about sex they're just leaving that to peers and the media (which are horrible sources for ideas about sex). Even a 4 year old ought to know "Sex is something adults do" from hir parents. People need to acknowledge that once a child hits puberty, they become a sexual being. That child's budding sexuality is partly the responsibility of the parents, (just like everything else about the child).

You're definitely not alone, here. The sex education where I live (in the south, fyi) was minimal and mostly centered around periods, basics of PIV intercourse, and gruesome pictures of venereal diseases. My parents are both strongly religious, and while they tried to talk to me about sex, they barely scratched the surface. I remember asking my mother about how a man and a woman would position themselves to have sex, and getting no response other than blushing. I thought penises were in the same place as vaginas were on women. Obviously, I was very confused.

I had also never seen an actual penis (not even a picture of one, just drawings) until my first boyfriend let me see him naked. And, hilariously, I didn't even know testicles existed. I was taken aback the first time I saw my boyfriend naked. It took a while to get used to the way his genitals looked, and it was definitely a distraction for me.

I didn't have an orgasm until I was 19, almost six months after I started having intercourse. My boyfriend had advised me to try masturbation, but thought that fingering was the only way for a girl to do so. (He was well-intentioned, but fairly inexperienced.) Then, one day, I found out about the clitoris and was finally able to climax thanks to some experimentation with a shower head. Only recently have I been able to get any sort of strong pleasure from fingering, thanks to a knowledgeable, patient boyfriend.

I'm sure I still have a lot to learn, and I was ashamed for a long time about my lack of sexual knowledge. Thank you for posting your story. It's wonderful to be reminded that I am not alone in my experiences. So often when I tell my story, even to other women, they are shocked that figuring all this stuff out was so hard for me. It's very encouraging for someone to acknowledge that orgasms don't come easy for everyone, and that we're not just born knowing how to have positive sexual experiences.

To end on a positive note, I will say that my friends were very helpful in introducing me to contraception and STD prevention. Even being as sexually naive as I was when I started having sex, I knew to use a condom and get tested regularly, and when I decided I wanted to use non-barrier methods of contraception, I knew what my options were. While I do not plan to have my own children, I hope that my generation will be more open in talking to their children about sex.