I hate the boyfriend ultimatum. The "if you don't marry me, I'm leaving" one. This ultimatum always seems to come up (about) twice per year, once at Valentine's Day (yeah I'm late, but whatever) and again when girlfriends are talking about another girl, whether she be there or not, who's in a long term relationship. During February the ultimatum always comes up on talk shows titled: How to get Him to Marry You, not only are these episodes sexist, they are, in most cases stupid. But I can live with those; it's the second case that really bothers me. I am in my early 20's, so I know a lot of people who are getting engaged and married.
Obviously, this topic comes up frequently in conversation...the overall girly-ness of it gets on my nerves but I don't mind it all that much, until the ultimatum comes up. (Before I delve into this, I must admit the following example is the only time I've ever heard it come up [in real life at least. Sitcoms are a-whole-nother story, for another post]. ) Recently, I was with a few girls who I went to high school with, we were talking and basically just catching up, when another girl we new was brought up. (I'm going to call her Lauren) Lauren just turned 21 and she's had the same boyfriend since she was 15, and *gasp* they're not engaged! This was a scandal for the other two girls; I, of course saw nothing wrong with it. This is when the ultimatum came up. One of the girls said "well, she better tell him he has to marry her or she's breaking up with him! Or else she'll never get him to stay!" I was bothered by this, but I wasn't going to get in a fight with her. I've decided to organize my thoughts here, as it seems to be the best place for it:
This ultimatum drives me fucking crazy, for more than a few reasons...but, here are three: 1) It perpetuates the all girls are in it for marriage myth, 2) I don't understand why anyone would want to marry someone they forced into it, and 3) marriage isn't that simple.
I'll expand:
1) Assuming that all women want marriage is silly. Not all women want it and some women simply don't want it right now. It also assumes that women are willing to take whatever they can get to prevent them from becoming "old maids." It's not 1853, women can be unmarried until they're 100, it doesn't matter. So, stop acting like its super important for all of us to marry.
2) Giving your boyfriend an ultimatum is mean. If he doesn't want to break up he'll have to marry you, and forcing someone into marriage is ridiculous. What if you're not as compatible as you thought? Just because you're in love now, doesn't mean you will be tomorrow. And, like I said before, it's not 1853 you can live together, not live together, have sex, or not have sex...do whatever you want! It doesn't matter! Marriage isn't your only option in a long term commitment.
3) It's not that easy! Marriage shouldn't be a "we've been together five years (or whatever) and now we need to get married" decision. It's not the next step in a game, and thinking of it this way reduces the people involved to pieces, which no one should want to be.
I don't know I think this whole "we've been together, now we need to get married" thing is foolish...thoughts?
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I love you.
Even in high school, I hear girls giggling about how "so-and-so" have been together "two whole years" and are "so going to end up married after high school."
...Excuse me? Over my dead body would I have married my ex-boyfriend after high school merely because of how long we dated. And I'm sure that's the same for many, many girls.
While I've been in a relationship for six years with no plans to get married anytime soon, I think some of this is a bit harsh on those that do wish to be married.
Of course people can remain committed to one another without marriage. But some people want a more traditional lifestyle. I think that's fine.
And as far as ultimatums go, perhaps they aren't such a bad thing all the time. Say person A wants to be married and person B doesn't. I'm not saying "Propose in a month or we're over!!!" is a great idea, but perhaps saying "Look, I want to be married someday and I only want to be with someone who would consider it a possibility" is a good one. After all, don't you want a long term partner to share your same goals and beliefs?
Also, if you've been together for 10 years and have both said its a possibility down the line and there is nothing holding you back from marriage right now (age, school, jobs, etc) then I don't really think an ultimatum is crazy. Maybe one person is being lied to about their belief in marriage by someone who never plans to commit. And if thats something thats a deal breaker for you...then ultimatum away, I say.
if i was harsh, i didn't mean to be...if people wanna get married then great! also, you're idea of the "i wanna get married, let's talk about it" thing is fine. it's actaully the "propose in a month or i'm leaving" that bothers me
if i was harsh, i didn't mean to be...if people wanna get married then great! also, you're idea of the "i wanna get married, let's talk about it" thing is fine. it's actaully the "propose in a month or i'm leaving" that bothers me
If you want a marriage, though, it's perfectly reasonable to say to someone "I want a marriage from my romantic/sexual relationship, if you can't provide me with that, than I have to find someone else who can." It's the usual ethic (around here, anyways, I think) to say that people should be entitled to either get what they want from a relationship, or find a different one. If I really want kids, for instance, and my partner doesn't, then I think we can all agree we should break up; I see no reason why marrying should be any different.
... He says, being on the "I'm thinking we should get married" side of the fence. Yeah, you can live together/not, have sex/not, but to those for whom marriage represents a more serious commitment, it's still important. In my own case, I'm barrelling towards a junction of balancing personal life and professional life, so making these kind of decisions is forced, but I think I'm still entitled to say "If I'm going to make suboptimal career choices to pursue an optimal life, then I require a more significant commitment from you, to our relationship, than I currently have." Other circumstances should present similarly.
That said, of course it's unduly presumptuous to assume that at 21 a marriage has to be a priority. Ignoring that the average age of a first marriage is significantly higher (for instance, using Canadian stats, it's ~28 for a woman, http://www.statcan.gc.ca/daily-quotidien/070117/dq070117a-eng.htm ), and that large numbers of people are quite happy being unmarried/prefer being unmarried, readiness for marriage will proceed differently in different relationships. And assuming women want marriage (and men don't) is certainly stereotyping (that like all stereotyping) won't hold up to inspection.
Maybe I prioritised these responses backwards.
Great post!
I used to think that marriage after a certain period of time was inevitable. then i watched a close friend go through a divorce after being married for 14 months. now i think differently.
figuring out if you a) want to get or "be" married take a long time and shouldn't be decided on a whim and b) who the right person to get married to may change over time.
I think the social/ communal pressure to get married is high *especially* if it seems like everyone you know is getting married. The "whose next?" questions seems to always be the conversation of choice.
I sometimes think that as a lesbian I am at somewhat of an advantage as my gf and I could be together forever, never get married or have a commitment ceremony and no one would think too much of it. But it seems to be the cultural norm for a guy and girl who have been together "a certain amount of time" to tie the knot.
Great post!
I'm so with you. I absolutely hate this sort of behaviour and to be honest - I don't understand it at all.
And it's not like spouses never leave.
I think the idea that if a woman badgers her long-term boyfriend (as noted, this doesn't seem to apply to same-sex couples. . . yet) into getting married, it will make him become the exact thing that she wants, ie, interested in a wedding and making the commitment to a marriage. I have no problem with the idea of sitting down with said significant other and letting them know what you think of the relationship, where you would like it to go, etc. Such as, "I think we're really awesome and want to spend my life with you, I'd like to do that by getting married." If said significant other doesn't want to, finding out why is important, and then both parties can make their own decisions - ie, if one side doesn't want to get married because they aren't ready for that level of commitment, okay, maybe the other needs to evaluate their level of commitment. Or maybe they think the wedding industry is a scam. The stereotype is men don't want to be "tied down" in a relationship (because the wedding completely stops cheating, you know) and women want to tie men down. Fighting this misconception of both sides is important.
So I'm watching the CW and I see an advertisement for their new show: The ultimate ultimatum: Hitched or Ditched. Wow, your post has come to life. And now I'm sick.
If women are constantly given the message that a large part of their worth is based on the success of their relationships and that marriage is the primary goal ultimatums are inevitable.
Personlly, I'm somewhat baffeled someone would want to get married at age 21! That's so incredibly young!
Different people are, well, different. Lots of people are more mature at 21 than others will be at 42. My parents were married at an average age of 21 (22 & 20) and it worked out quite well for them.
If you see a marriage as tying you down, anchoring you to another person, then 21 is too young to get married (though if you see a marriage as tying you down, any age is probably wrong to get married). But if you see it as building your own family, and a cornerstone of your life, then 21 isn't too young to get married (probably, your mileage may vary, of course).
21 doesn't seem young when you're 21. At least, not for most people. It's us old farts who think 21 is young.