I don't expect everyone knows about or watches the Misogyny Channel, aka Bravo, which through its programming of modeling and fashion competitions, matchmaking, and its "Real Housewives" series in Orange County, Atlanta, New York City, and New Jersey, pushes every button every girl and woman in America and most of the rest of the world has had jammed into her brain stem. And I am no exception.
I enjoy looking at fashion, so until it jumped networks, Project Runway was a winning Bravo entry for me. I think, though, it had more to do with Heidi Klum, a very engaging host, than with the show itself, which is incredibly dumb (let's make outfits out of stuff at a recycling plant, a grocery store, and a car parts factory--yup, that's a real test of talent). The rest of the shows have no appeal for me at all. Except The Real Housewives of New York City. For some reason, when I run across this show--and no, I don't know when its regular time slot is; I gave up on having a constant TV schedule in my head long, long ago when the networks decided to redecorate their line-ups about every week--I have to watch it. None of the other "Real Housewives" shows have rung my chimes; I guess we all have our own psychic dynamics when dealing with female relationships, and as an urban career woman, I find this one works for me.
As with all the shows, the cast is composed of several wealthy women and the people in their lives. Jill has a rich, indulgent husband who runs a fabric business; Jill helps out at the retail store, buys a lot of expensive things, redecorates, and throws charity events. She has a fractious friendship with Ramona, who is married to a tennis pro and has her own skin care and jewelry line. They are friends with celebrity chef Bethenny, who has a food line and just published a book on achieving a thin figure. Luann, a former model, married a count, does charity stuff, and just published an "as told to" book on etiquette. Alex seems to come from a bonafide New York society family; she's joined at the hip with her effete Aussie husband Simon and works in marketing. The newest "housewife" is Kelly, a former model and editor of Elle Accessories who is, according to Bethenny, the queen of "fabulosity:" the two women can't stand each other. Everyone but Bethenny has children.
The more I watch this show, the more it sickens me. It's not the wealth or even the insular bubble of New York society these women inhabit that has them running from party to party, charity event to charity event, and the Hamptons to St. Barts. It's not even, exactly, about their appearance "touch ups," their couture miniskirts and dresses (don't they ever wear slacks?), or working their connections to get what they want (a private school for Johann and Francois, Alex and Simon's kids; a tennis star Jill plans to fly from California to New York for a grudge match with Ramona and her husband Mario). The thing that underlies this series--and, I suppose, all the series--is that these women seem so immature, so adolescent, so caught up in girl culture:
Relationships are central to girls who depend on close, intimate friendships. The trust and support of these relationships provide girls with emotional and psychological safety nets. ... Yet girls can be excruciatingly tough on other girls, particularly at early adolescence. They talk behind each other's backs, they tease and torture one another; they police each other's clothing and body size and fight over real or imagined relationships with boys. In so doing they participate in and help to reproduce largely negative views of female relationships as untrustworthy, deceitful, manipulative, and catty. Unlike boys, girls are not encouraged to act out their anger, so uncomfortable feelings often go underground and come out in unhealthy words." (Still Failing at Fairness by David & Myra Sadker & Karen R. Zittleman)
Watching the RHNYC cast is like sitting in a toilet stall in the girls' restroom and hearing the reigning clique duke it out. Bethenny screams at Jill, veins bulging out of her neck, to apologize for talking about Bethenny behind her back. Ramona is stricken dumb by the appearance of Simon, a man she loathes, as Jill's tennis partner; Jill smirks at the zing she's given Ramona. Luann is livid at the bad manners Ramona shows when she says that the count is an old man in front of Luann's daughter! Everyone wonders whether Alex ever disciplines her sons, who, at 1 and 3 years old, climb all over the RHs at a dinner party. Kelly calls Bethenny all the way across town to meet her at a bar so she can tell her she doesn't like her and will never be her friend. During this encounter, the infamous, "You're here (one hand held low), and I'm here (other hand held high)" becomes the moment that characterizes Kelly's condescending attitude. Her working the extreme hottie Max onto the show as her date is another apparent display of superiority.
More from Still Failing at Fairness:
"Why do girls act this way? The need to belong and fear of rejection are high on the list. They want to be part of a sort of club, a club of innies. Some girls explain they like the excitement and drama of relational aggression, and evidently there is a wide audience for such behavior. Stories about 'cruel and nasty girls' have become the centerpiece for magazines, television shows, and popular books. We are now taught how to tame girls, make them nicer, quieter, easier to deal with, sweeter and more pliable. A decade or two ago we feared girls' loss of voice; now we seem to fear that they have found it. Is this a discussion about 'mean girls,' or a discussion about society's continuing pattern of defining and demeaning females?"
Looking at these "successful" women makes me profoundly sad. Their adolescent competitiveness, their focus on appearance (Jill is so pleased that she almost fits in a size 0 dress), their status in a completely traditional female world of husbands, children, dating, and careers in cooking, beauty, and image seem like such a squandering of talent, energy, and considerable resources. When Luann gives Bethenny dating advice, she says, "I think men are tired of having to deal with outspoken women. You should try to be more demure and coaxing." Oh my god! What is Bravo trying to do to us? What are these women trying to do to other women? If they aren't really like this, why do they let themselves be manipulated?
And why do I watch them? Why do millions watch them and the other "housewives"? Because we are still part of a system that deranges us in our adolescence. Call this the unfinished business of womanhood, the chance we may be trying to give ourselves to heal the wounds inflicted on our sense of self. People may say they enjoy these shows, but the truth is, they're not much fun after a while. They become grueling. Jill herself said she found her fight with Bethenny very painful to watch. These women aren't self-centered, petty, or vain by nature. They're birds in gilded cages, and whether they think it's misplaced, insulting, or "doesn't matter to my life," I feel a terrible sympathy for them.
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I despise that show. To see women their age acting like they do is revolting. Its also difficult to engage in the exploitation of the effects of patriarchy on some very disempowered individuals via a tv show. Its alomost like theyre glorifying it. I also wonder that if some of these women work why are they still considered housewives? The one who works in marketing at least shouldnt be considered a housewife. Thats what my second major is in!
They remind me of metaphorically castrated women.So, so sad.
I always find it fascinating in a trainwreck kind of way when I see women acting like this. I've known and seen a lot of grown women who do (not just rich "housewives") and can't help thinking that they are just fighting over the scraps that the patriarchy deigns to throw them. It's also why I don't get along with a lot of women (and further, why it drives me crazy when I see people here saying they don't trust women who say that), because I'm not willing to constantly denigrate myself and others in order to fit in. I would much rather have friends that are honest but supportive, no matter what their gender.
I'm like you wax_ghost in that there are alot of women I don't get along with and/or don't care to even try. I do have some very good female friends but as a whole, I dunno.
I'm curious about your statement "why it drives me crazy when I see people here saying they don't trust women who say that". I've been following this site very regularly for a long time and I can't really recall this sentiment being expressed. But then I obviously can't read every single entry or every single comment so I may have missed it. What sort of comments have you received along these lines?
I have often mused how interesting it is that alot of feminists don't necessarily like alot of women and/or don't like alot of things typically associated with women, which seems strange in a way since feminism is all about women! But that is too simplistic to put it like this.
Honeybee, I haven't personally received those comments but I have seen that idea expressed more than once. I understand it in a way - I used to be one of those women who actively avoided other women because I didn't want to be associated with anything feminine, and I think that's the kind of woman that most people here are talking about - but even as my feminism has become a more conscious thing in the past few years, I've found it hard to be around most women because of the way they are always denigrating themselves and other women, and expecting me to join in.
Yeah, that is a thought that I've had too. But I think it's because women who don't fit that mold have a tendency to realize how restricting the mold really is and thus embrace feminism, while women who do fit that mold don't see anything wrong with it, you know what I mean? But yeah, one of the things that I have done as an avowed feminist is examine my own feelings about "feminine" things and learn to not just dismiss them out of hand.
Nice job, Marilyn Ferdinand. This is a great summation of the many feminist *issues* that arise in relation to this mess of a women-marketed-and-oriented show. Watching Bravo in general and "The Real Housewives" series in particular is sort of my number 1 un-feminist guilty pleasure, and I kick myself every time I contribute to their viewing numbers. I'm honestly not sure why I do, except for the "trainwreck" effect mentioned by wax ghost above. Not only do all of TRHs traffic in the very worst feminine stereotypes, the Atlanta version of the show blundered (or even worse, maybe it wasn't a blunder!) into what I perceived as some serious racism in the way it presented the primarily black and multi-racial cast. Yuck, yuck, yuck. America, and I, need to turn this shit off!
Thanks, everyone, for commenting. I was a woman who didn't like women at one time myself. Why? I didn't find their concerns and conversation to be very stimulating and, clearly, anyone who wanted to get somewhere in this world had to buddy up to the power brokers--the men.
I'm completely different now, realizing I was in some way self-hating and contributing to the denigration of women. Being a feminist, which I always thought I was, meant relating to women and understanding why they were the way they were, made the choice they made or felt they had to make, seeing myself as not different, but the same. I try not to be hard on any women, even the Real Housewives, because they have been deformed in some way, just like I was.
I do think people should stop watching these shows because it's just another way the male-dominated media tries to perpetuate nasty stereotypes of women and tries to get us hating each other. By writing this, I have helped myself understand my fascination with the show and wean myself off of it. It's hard to forget those adolescent battles, but I'm ready.
Thanks to you, Marilyn. This is a great post, and I'm impressed that you avoided talking about the Real Housewives like they were just stupid little girls. Not many people can do that. :)
What's interesting to me is that Bravo seems to be at least partially directed towards gay men. Obviously they are part of patriarchy too (aren't we all?) but tend to be considered "feminized", including by Bravo's own advertisements. So the network is, of course, owned by (white?) men but aimed toward women and effeminate gay men....
Which is too convoluted a path for my brain to follow right now, but something that I think is important to note.
Bravo's owned by NBC, which is owned by General Electric.
GE's publicly traded, with something like six billion shares. (http://www.ge.com/investors/stock_info/ownership_profile.html) ... I can't find a gender breakdown of GEs shareholders, or American shareholders in general.
I'm not sure I totally get how the Network's run, but it seems like http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/02/magazine/02zalaznick-t.html this woman who developed it's current style & whatnot.
Thanks, everyone, for commenting. I was a woman who didn't like women at one time myself. Why? I didn't find their concerns and conversation to be very stimulating and, clearly, anyone who wanted to get somewhere in this world had to buddy up to the power brokers--the men.
I'm completely different now, realizing I was in some way self-hating and contributing to the denigration of women. Being a feminist, which I always thought I was, meant relating to women and understanding why they were the way they were, made the choice they made or felt they had to make, seeing myself as not different, but the same. I try not to be hard on any women, even the Real Housewives, because they have been deformed in some way, just like I was.
I do think people should stop watching these shows because it's just another way the male-dominated media tries to perpetuate nasty stereotypes of women and tries to get us hating each other. By writing this, I have helped myself understand my fascination with the show and wean myself off of it. It's hard to forget those adolescent battles, but I'm ready.
I guess I feel really fortunate that I have always had female friends, and I only have dealt with the cattiness that is seen on these shows in elementary school.
I don't watch these shows, because I refuse to take part in this degradation of women.
Which continues because these shows get ratings.
If young feminists are watching this show, what does that say about the rest of our culture, who, presumably, find nothing wrong with it?
Don't even bother watching that sh*t. It's all garbage.
Oh please. Men do the same things just in different ways. People are competitive so obviously they're going to be hard on each other. It isn't a man thing and it certainly is not a woman thing. Sure, some of the women on this show have retrograde thinking (Luann's dating advice) but it isn't forcing it onto the viewer. An educated viewer watches the show, sees how the people interact and forms their own opinions. If your mind is malleable enough to let this show form your personal image of women and feminism, then you have bigger issues to deal with. Calling this misogynistic is just ridiculous over thinking. And they do, very often actually, wear slacks.
I had planned on watching the Real Housewives of NYC. Sadly, the new season began at about the time Kelly Bensimon was arrested for domestic violence after beating her boyfriend very badly. I have not watched a lick of it and will not do so in protest of the media giving Ms. Bensimon a free pass for her abusive ways.