On the evening of May 11, at approximately 7:52pm, I was walking with two of my friends towards our college campus. As we were standing on a busy corner, we witnessed a man holding a woman in a headlock as they walked through a parking lot. She was pleading with him to let go, repeatedly saying, "You're hurting me" and "Stop." We yelled at him to let go of her and approached them. Two other men were walking about 20 feet behind who witnessed this and began to aid us in trying to get him to let her go. When he finally did he yelled at my friends and I saying he would slap us if we tried to get involved. He began walking faster, leaving the woman approximately 20 feet behind him. I approached her, touched her arm, and asked her if she wanted to come with my friends and I. I told her we could contact someone. She smiled at me and said she was okay.
As she walked back to the attacker, I asked my friend to call the police. Before we could even complete dialing, the woman slowed her pace down from that of the man's, waited until he was farther away, then turned and ran down the opposite corner. He turned and started to chase her, so I followed running on the opposite side of the street so I could give my friend the location for the police. A cop car arrived immediately, followed by three more patrol cars. They separated the man and woman by a police car, took names and reports from myself and my friends, and proceeded to talk to the victim.
Two minutes passed, then the officer came back up to my friends and I and told us that the man and woman were leaving together. When I asked why I was told that the woman "wouldn't cooperate" so there was nothing they could do. I asked what had been given to her, and the officer told me that she was given a case number and the contact information for the prosecuting attorney if she wanted to press charges. They drove off and the man and woman walked away. From beginning to end, this happened in 13 minutes.
I left this scene incredibly upset for two main reasons. First, the type of language embedded in legal and police policies is beyond problematic. The woman "wouldn't cooperate"!? Maybe it's because her attacker was standing not more then 20 feet away from her, mocking and smiling at her. Even with the police there she was not in a safe space for her to give a detailed report of what happened. The man was not restrained in any way aside from police standing around him.
The second is that I do not know what was offered to the woman in regard to services. Did they offer to take her to a shelter? Did they ask her what had happened before she was attacked? Without any options given to her, what choice did she have other then to say everything was okay? I saw man assault her and threaten her, but that is not enough if the victim (who was obviously upset) does not confirm it. These procedures by officers do not take into account psychological or social implications that are involved in domestic violence and assault.
After much deliberation and looking through Michigan Laws, my two friends and I have decided to make a report of assault against the attacker. We have the case number and the name of the reporting officer, so the plan is to go and make personal reports about how he threatened to slap us. We figure that although this might not get off the ground and the Office of the Prosecuting Attorney probably won't pick it up, bare minimum this man will have at least 4 reports filed under his name (one from the incident we witnessed and then the three of us filing reports).
Does making another report seem like a good idea? Or is it too dangerous to this woman involved? We want to make it clear that this situation was not handled well and to show this man he cannot act this way. I am extremely interested in thoughts and feedback.
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Unfortunately, I don't have much feedback other than to say you may want to contact some sort of assault crisis counselor (or perhaps a sexual assault counselor). I recommend making an appointment and meeting in person, if possible. A professional would be better able to give you an idea of the psychological effects on the man and woman involved if you were to file the assault reports. They would be able to help you weigh the outcomes of doing this.
That said, I want to applaud you and your friends' effort to stop violence. Not to "reward" ethical behavior that should be expected of most human beings, but I can't help feeling glad that people like you do exist. Sometimes I get so bogged down by the extremely strong presence of a sexist mindset in the world that I forget about the growing number of people who care about changing that mindset.
If that woman wanted to leave with that man, it was her prerogative regardless of what we may think about it. She knows he is abusive yet she chooses to be involved with him. It is simply not true that ALL abused women would leave if only they could. It isn’t our place to tell people what kind of relationships they should want to be in. Had it been me, I’d have walked on my merry way the first time she said she was ‘okay’ and started walking towards him again. Whether you like it or not, it is very paternalistic to try to take action on behalf of a woman who doesn’t want it because you ‘know best’.
How can you argue that the woman wanted the relationship when she was running away from him? I agree that you cannot choose what is best for a person, the decision is absolutely theirs, and this is always frustrating. To me this means you cannot force the woman to file a complaint on her own behalf. But if it had been me witnessing the violence in the parking lot, I could not have left that man to chase the woman down and do something potentially terrible, also understanding that I may not be able to handle the violence myself, in which case the police should be involved. Is it not true that you can honor your personal obligation without hurting the woman's interests?
I'm not attacking your views, merely stimulating conversation. I would like to know more of your opinion.
I read the article as though the woman initially said she was fine and declined help and was seen walking in the same direction her abuser went. Even if that isn't accurate, I still don't see why we would be trying to make a complaint when she clearly declined to cooperate with the police and it was confirmed that she left with him willingly.
The author is asking whether or not he should file reports about the man's assault towards him and his friends...not about the assault towards the woman. I agree that it is not his place to get involved and that it is ultimately up to her to decide to stay with or leave the man.
Agreed; ultimately, it is HER decision as to what she does with her life. This is the first thing we learned in domestic violence training. The OP did great because they opened up and offered her an alternative, leaving the woman in question to make up her own mind. We cringe in situations like this, but we are in no position telling people what they should be doing instead. And you know, we don't know what they'll do in the future. Perhaps one day in the long run the woman will look back at the OP's actions and find strength to leave her abuser, but she's got to feel ready and do it on her own schedule. Definitely a frustrating battle to be fighting.
Sorry Crumpet, but that's asinine.
If somebody is attacking somebody else, that's wrong (even if the person being attacked has been socially conditioned to think it's OK).
In this case, the woman was resisting and trying to flee - and if Michigan was a mandatory arrest state (like my state - New York - is) perhaps she would have been more willing to file charges.
In any case, I applaud the writer for doing something and I urge them to file a case against this guy - if she can't, you can, and should, do something about this guy.
It is so awesome that you saw domestic violence and you didn’t look the other way. You followed your conscience and you should be at peace. I can’t tell you that you should file or not file, that is your choice. I can tell you that no matter what you do, this perpetrator will act out on someone else the next time he get’s “mad”. Maybe the woman has already left, maybe not. In the end I don’t think that you filing a report will convince her to leave, if that was you goal. Victims of domestic violence (DV) have to be the one that chose to leave. I volunteer each week at a DV shelter and I have seen woman who have been given every opportunity to leave and they choose to go back and I have seen women who have braved threats and lack of support to leave. I know how frustrating it is but you can’t make someone else’s decisions for her.
You have led the horse to water. You can't make it drink.
May I suggest some aftercare for you? Witnessing can be very distressing, more so than most witnesses think
Common Shock: Witnessing Violence Every Day--How We Are Harmed, How We Can Heal by Kaethe Weingarten
I am a clinical social worker who provides home based therapy for families involved with child protection services in neighborhood that are less than safe. This book got me though some hard times and challenging situations.
May I suggest some aftercare for you? Witnessing can be very distressing, more so than most witnesses think
Common Shock: Witnessing Violence Every Day--How We Are Harmed, How We Can Heal by Kaethe Weingarten
I am a clinical social worker who provides home based therapy for families involved with child protection services in neighborhood that are less than safe. This book got me though some hard times and challenging situations.
Be well. keep doing good work.
"...neighborhood that are less than safe..
Nice euphemism!
Are you, by any chance, talking about "low income communities of color" also known as "ghettos"?
Cause I live in one of those - West Harlem, to be specific - and I'd bust out laughing if anybody ever referred to my hood so PCishly!
It is meant tongue in cheek. And every time I or some one else talk about poor neighborhoods with oppressed people, i'm always wondering how they describe it. One time a white woman in my class in grad school used "war-zone" I thought there was going to be a brawl but turned out to be one hell of an education for her.
I'm always struggling to find words to describe the communities with out further oppressing the people who live there. "Less than safe" felt like the best option at the time!
As an advocate in a police agency in Michigan, I can tell you that those officers may be opening themselves and their agency up to some real liability. Michigan law requires officers to file a report with the local prosecutor within 48 hours of a reported domestic violence incident. Whether charges are filed is up to the PA but an officer's job is not to be judge & jury on the street. If that victim had left and been hurt or killed later that day those officers could be held liable. It is good that you were proactive. Battered women return to their abuser on the average of 8 times before they get out, for a variety of reasons:
http://victimadvocates.blogspot.com/2009/03/why-doesnt-she-leave-is-still-wrong.html
Her reasons may be personal but domestic violence is a crime and police officers are supposed to be trained to report and investigate for "victimless" prosecution:
http://victimadvocates.blogspot.com/2009/03/minnesota-pilot-programworking-towards.html
Kudos to you for doing something.
Thank you for doing a good deed! That was brave of you to help. I agree that it's so frustrating. I wish there was some type of a long-term counseling available to women when the police are called with a report of DV. I think the counseling should be mandatory, but it should be counseling that teaches autonomy and at the end of the counseling the woman can choose what she will do with her life. Part of the counseling can include working on the trauma, working on building self-worth, and educating her on all the resources that are out there to help her legally to protect her from his violence. This is important because some of these women are barred from accessing the computer for resources, and don't have the freedom to go to the library alone to research things since he's always watching her every move, and sometimes he traces her phone calls, so a lot of these women live under complete surveillance and live like prisoners.
The main reason, I believe, that the women are afraid to go with the police, is that she's afraid that when the man catches up with her again, he will be angry with her for CHOOSING to go with the police, and she's worried that he will be even more violent with her. If she had some guarantee that there would be no repercussions for leaving him, then perhaps it might make the decision making easier, but I think many women don't leave is because they're afraid he'll find her anyway - because that is unfortunately so often the case that he does. So they don't have trust in the legal system in the the police can actually protect her. It's so hard to make a choice when one is in a situation where it seems like the more she tries to get out of it, the worse she is punished and so she just tries to keep the peace at all costs. There is low self worth, she doesn't think anyone else will ever love her, she doesn't think she's good enough to get a job or do anything with her life. He's done a horrific job of making her feel worthless, and at the same time making her feel like she needs him with that psychological game.
As to the advice, yes, I think it's a good idea what you are doing. Very admirable.