Friday afternoon, five minutes before our last orgo exam, I heard a friend of mine say to a group of young women that he had gotten a "funny" text from a friend. Its content? "I just took [a professor's] exam, now I know what being raped feels like." The other girls laughed. I tried to find a way to express my anger and emotions but was interrupted by the rush of students heading into the now emptying lecture hall. I managed to put my stuff down in a seat and ran outside to call a friend who knew what I was going through.
I made it through the exam (eventually) and did fairly well but I'm still left with an unsatisfied feeling. I want to scream at this boy and his friend, "No, you don't. Not at all. How much time have you spent in therapy because of this exam? How much time have you spent hating yourself and self-medicating?" And this boy probably didn't know that he was hurting anyone (though arguably, I'd say he should know better) because he doesn't know anyone who's been raped (i.e. no one he knows has admitted it to him) and he doesn't have to think about it as a straight white male. Not all of us have that luxury and not all of us are as lucky. His "joke" felt like a punch in the stomach, it brought up all the bad memories and feelings that I have worked so hard to cope with and hold back.
A major problem with telling rape jokes is the same as telling any other offensive jokes, you don't know your audience. You can't tell who has been raped just by looking. We don't wear special signs or inform every acquaintance who crosses our path. Plus, there are plenty of allies who don't find rape funny either. Rape is not a synonym for anything difficult in your life. I don't feel the same when I fail a test or hit my funny bone, I don't spend years recovering and healing from a tough exam. If you want to be hyperbolic about it, why not at least be original and find a way to express yourself that doesn't bring down others?
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Great point on how personal experiences are everything within feminism. That said, I also think the text was sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek about how the plights if rape survivors cannot be learned through just lectures. At least I hope so.
If anything, I'd ask how the professor could have possibly speak on the issues of rape, without having experienced it first-hand (I assume). This is not to say, of course, that the studies if rape aren't important - as they clearly are; what's to be questioned, then, what is appropriate and inappropriate in making a person an expert on women's issues without having gone through the experience.
It's important, then, to have discussions on the creating of "knowledge" and how one qualifies to speak on the personal narratives of certain groups of marginalized people. It's something we need to, I think, focus on more in the academic circles.
Marc
Ooops - I made a mistake in reading your post, thinking what you'd meant was that the young man said he knew what rape felt like because of the professor's lecture. In re-reading it, I now understand it to mean that he was joking, as in, "How'd you do on the test?" Answer: "I got raped."
Sorry for the rant due to my failure to understand the post correctly. :(
Thanks for this post. Its dead on about that phenomenon.
(Also, I want to say that I don't mean the following paragraph as a critique, but rather, a way of spreading a solution:)
I think the best thing we can do as rape victims or allies is just to meet all rape jokes with a quick, terse "hey man, rape jokes aren't funny" until it gains critical mass. It is never convenient, but even if everyone else in the audience laughed, chances are at least a few will remember what you said and even repeat it next time. And joke tellers learn pretty quickly that preserving their joke is not worth dealing with the fallout of offended people.
I usually do that. I've found that saying it's not funny and that you can't tell who's been raped just by looking makes people rethink. I had one boy apologize to me afterward. In this case, the boy unfortunately put headphones on right after as I tried to say something. /:
I certainly appreciate that--my comment wasn't intended as a suggestion of what you should've done (as it wasn't even part of your post). I just wanted to use the forum to spread the most effective technique I've found towards combating rape jokes. Thanks for sharing this topic.
Oh, don't worry, I didn't take it that way. (:
I agree with you completely. When I was in undergrad and people would make this comment to me, I responded with "Really? The exam raped you?" and most of the time, the person would realize his/her poor choice of words and retract them.
I love this technique. "Gay" was still an all-purpose insult in my high school when I attended, and my friends and I would combat statements like "That test was so gay" with "Really? Was it attracted to other tests of the same gender?" which effectively redirected the butt of the joke to the vocabulary of the joker him/herself.
This is so frustrating.
One of my dear friends has picked up the term 'art faggot' to describe the hordes of Hipsters she attends art school with, and I just want to shake her. She doesn't say it around me, but that word is hurtful and I wish she wouldn't say it period.
The thing that makes me angriest about these kinds of comments are that most protestations are met with a variation of the humorless-feminist defense or "you're just PC"/free speech crap. I tell people like that free speech means they have every right to be an asshole by making such statements/jokes, and I have every right to tell them that they are being an asshole.
I literally just had this happen, via facebook:
A "friend" wrote as his status: 'Arabic is rape!'
I was tempted to write as a comment:
Rape is a devastating, violent crime that ruins lives and you never know who around you has experienced it and who you might be hurting.
But I simply responded with:
Rape jokes aren't funny.
and I plan to respond with the first message should anyone question me about it.
I tend to go the extreme when I hear these comments. I'm a baseball fan and I often hear this in relation to sports. So my response is "you mean he was dragged into an alley, had his clothes torn from him etc..." Obnoxiously graffic.
I've found that a lot of guys will counter an "it's not funny" with the murder comparison. Do you ever say "that was murder"? A lot of these guys can't fathom the difference.
What would you suggest saying in response to ppl who reply with the murder comparison? I agree with you but find it hard to articulate why it's just not the same to say 'God, that test killed me'. And you just know some smart-ass is going to come back with that defence as soon as you take them to task over rape jokes. So, suggested responses please!
This is a good point which I don't know how to answer. Murder is so extreme as to be unrealistic especially cause he is standing in front of you? Not sure. Anyone?
Something like that. We know he hasn't been murdered. But as was stated before, you can't tell by looking who has or hasn't been raped.
Well, I imagine it isn't funny to the people who have lost friends and family to murder.
Chas, on the Feminism 101 Blog under the topic More on How Rape Jokes Just Aren't Funny, there are excellent responses to the rape/murder comparison. Just do CTRL+F, type in murder, and you'll find them quick ;-)
Thanks for this post. I've been pretty tired of how cavalierly the word rape has been tossed around in the past few years.
Hard tests are not the same as being raped. Yes, paying taxes sucks, but please don't tell me the IRS "raped" you on April 15th. And no, a mediocre remake of "Alvin and the Chipmunks" or whatever is not "raping your childhood". Also rough or passionate sex are called just that. I'm sick of girls who giggle about how last night their boyfriend "raped" them, or they "raped" him--somehow it's even more disenheartening when girls joke around like this.
The definition of rape extends beyond forced or compelled sexual intercourse/engagement.
–verb (used with object)
6. to force to have sexual intercourse.
7. to plunder (a place); despoil.
8. to seize, take, or carry off by force.
and
de?spoil
–verb (used with object)
to strip of possessions, things of value, etc.; rob; plunder; pillage.
it might be, depending on the argument, a legitimate usage in the context of the IRS..
That being said, given the extremely heinous nature of the word's primary definition (forced sexual engagement), it should be used extremely carefully and with a great deal of cognizance as to the context. But this consideration shouldn't blind us to the word's other past and persisting usages. The point could be made the verb should be limited to the primary definition, but I'm not sure that was what you were getting at.
The word should not be used in a joking context, especially if it is inextricable from it's primary definition.
Wow. The man who made that joke was being really ignorant and insensitive! I'm so sorry about what happened. Godspeed your recovery!
At first, I was really angry about the kind of joke this man made. Then I thought, "How sad!" How sad that he has no idea what kind of hurt other people are capable of experiencing. How sad that he can walk through life so unaware the impact his words have. How sad to be so ignorant.
Have you seen the Alexa Foundation website?
http://www.ithappenedtoalexa.org/
I was molested as a little girl, and I've experienced years of depression, a strained relationship with my Dad and unhealthy choices of sexual partners. When I hear about similar things happening to other women, it cuts straight to the center of my being. Again, I am so sorry about what happened!
Thanks for making this post.
I'll be honest: I've know I've used similar phrases to the one from the post in the past. And while I'm reasonably sure that I don't personally know you, I'm still sorry for my mistake/s.
While I'm hesitant to say it's NEVER occurred to me, I'm not sure I've ever actively spent much time thinking about the implication of this and related phrases. So thank you for causing me to do so.
I'll be doing my best to purge the phrase from my vocabulary, as I've tried to do w/ the word gay in inappropriate contexts.
I appreciate that. I think for many people, if they haven't experienced it and likely won't, it's so abstract to them that they think it's okay as a joke.
I absolutely despise when people say things like that. I often hear jokes" like, "dude, that test raped me in the ass," or other equally "hilarious" comments. They are NOT funny, NOT even close to accurate, and NOT acceptable!!
Wow! I had a similar feeling about the way that the firstyears were talking at my school a few years ago. I didn't say anything either - I just went home and wrote this article, that I meant to try to post to my school, but I never did:
A touchy subject
This evening as I was joining a new on-campus group, I overheard a conversation where one guy was saying to another that a particular woman “deserved to get raped.” Now I did not hear the context of the conversation to know whether this was hypothetical or something that had really happened. But either way it was disturbing to me.
The first reason would clearly be if this had indeed occurred. I should hope that it goes without saying that no one deserves to get raped or sexually assaulted, or molested ever. (I will leave the controversial “consensual rape-fantasy” out of this argument as it is too complex for this article – but usually people who agree to these types of fantasies are trying to heal from prior assaults.) The second reason is that even if they weren't talking about a real assault, it doesn't matter because laughing about it will condone the activity.
As it so happens I did not say anything to the person who made this comment, because at the time I heard it, it was such a shock to me that it wasn't until I was out of the building that I decided to write this article.
But I wish I had.
You see, I personally believe that we are in the middle of a subtle linguistic backlash against women at this time. Even though we are on an educated campus with scholars and women's studies majors all around us, our culture is dragging us backwards.
This linguistic backlash centers primarily around one harsh four-letter word – rape. The word itself floats around in the ambiance, as I hear its resonance from the lips of students on a regular basis. In essence, the word has become a slang.
Back when a senior like me was in high school, if a test was really hard we would say “Aw, I got screwed/f-word!" Now I hear people say, mainly first year students, “Man I got raped by that class.” This causes a problem in two ways. First of all it diminishes the severity of the word which subsequently lessens the severity of the crime in people's minds. Secondly, for those persons (because men get raped, too) who happen to have had the misfortune of being a rape survivor, every time they hear the word it sets off an alarm bell inside of them that causes them mild to severe anxiety or some other negative emotion. For some it brings up flashbacks, for others it brings up anger. Still others will not stop thinking about it for several hours and will have to find a safe space with someone to talk to about it. The unfortunate reality is that once it happens to a person, it will affect them negatively unless that person has totally stuffed the event into their subconscious – in which case they will deal with it several years later.
The request that I have to make (no, this isn't a rant – I want this to be an educational piece) is for anyone reading this to just think about your vocabulary. Is rape a word that you use as a slang word? Does one of your friends use it a lot? If so, perhaps you wish to bring to their attention the fact that they may inadvertently be ruining someone's sense of safety by mentioning the word in such a way that it does disrespect to victims of sexual assault.
On the positive side, I think it is good that we talk about these heavy issues on campus as they are relevant to campus life. On the negative side, I wish that these issues would be dealt with respectfully.
My intention in writing this, is to bring attention to the severity of the effects of joking about heinous acts, because I believe that many people say these things not realizing how much pain they could be causing someone. I hope people will be more aware of the word now and only use it in its context – and maybe even one day work to end this atrocious act.
I took the time to read all that ERA. I think you're fighting a losing battle trying to re-educate gen-y on what is and isn't an acceptable communication format and should work on matters within your control, ie your own reaction to their way of talking. I can barely go online without reading "OMG I just got raped by a fagzor" or whatever. Life's generally an easier ride if you let this stuff go ...
This is rather condescending comment and it's bordering on blaming the victim. People's way of speaking can be offensive and it's not the listener's job to not be offended by offensive language. Work to change others is difficult but it shouldn't be deemed unimportant or impossible and given up. Otherwise, we'd never progress as people. It's not your job to determine what is important and what isn't or how she should work to effect change. Additionally, why are you on a website about change and politics and equality if you're not willing to stand up when people commit wrongs?
I like your article, but I have a problem with this:
(I will leave the controversial “consensual rape-fantasy” out of this argument as it is too complex for this article – but usually people who agree to these types of fantasies are trying to heal from prior assaults.)
I understand that you wrote this a few years ago, but I sincerely hope your assumptions about rape fantasies have changed.
I don't want to incite anything here, but we just don't need anyone promoting the ludicrous assumption that most women who have rape fantasies (or other submissive desires) have been sexually assaulted. Of course some have. But by framing rape fantasies in this light, and by adding the caveat that, "Oh, but those poor dears MUST have been assaulted, there is no WAY they actually DESIRE this fantasy," feminists are promoting the implicit assumption that women with such desires are sick, removing their agency as sexual beings, and claiming that we cannot enjoy a CONSENSUAL rape fantasy without subconsciously recreating an assault. Preposterous.
I just want to reiterate something here, rape fantasies are CONSENSUAL.
I have a question:
If I (an ally, not a survivor of sexual assault) were to respond to such a "joke" by saying something along the lines of "Rape is never funny. You should be more aware of the potential audience you have", would that necessarily lead the "joker" to believe that I am a survivor? And in the name of possibly opening his or her eyes to how comments like those affect others, would that be such a horrible lie to imply?
I'm genuinely curious about how to handle these situations. I would never "out" a friend as a survivor, but if I were to imply that there could be survivors in the audience, would that be crossing the line in terms of others' privacy or lying to make a point? This area is so gray to me.
I am glad this post exists.
I don't think they would necessarily make that assumption. I would just say that it's very common and they can't tell who's been assaulted just by looking.