by Margot Mifflin
How did it happen? One day I was a twentysomething heaping scorn on Tipper Gore and her campaign against explicit lyrics in pop music, and the next, 20 years later, I am Tipper Gore, driving my 12 year old home from school, listening to Lil Wayne singing “Lick it like a lollipop ,” watching my daughter mouth the words “Let me get it juicy for you,” and wondering how it came to this on commercial radio.
The year 2008 launched the era of oral sex—for men at least—in pop music. In You Can Have Whatever You Want , T.I. crows, “Brain so good (good), swore you went to college,” and he isn't talking about smarts; “brain” is slang for head. Saving Abel sings “I'm so addicted to/all the things you do/ when you're going down on me/ in between the sheets" in Addicted . And in Nickelback’s Something in Your Mouth , Chad Kroeger declares, "you're so much cooler when you never pull it out, you look so much cuter with something in your mouth."
But Lollipop, which just won a Grammy, is a little different. If my kid were older, I might thank Lil Wayne. His five minute ode to oral sex offers something you don’t see much in the endless stream of rappers bowing under the weight of their Sisyphean masculinity: a lyric describing a man satisfying a woman, and enjoying it. I quote: “That pussy in my Mouth/had me lost for words.” There’s no poetry to it, but it does deliver a rare gift. At a time when sex is everywhere in pop culture, female pleasure is nowhere, and for a second, he revels in one way it happens: “The middle of the bed (Yeah)/Givin’gettin’ head (Huh).” Somewhere, some woman taught Wayne what most entertainment and media people have yet to learn or don’t care to know: only 30 percent of women can achieve orgasm through penetration alone. How many commercial films, for example, do we have to watch in which women are shown in the throes of rapture without so much as a hand job?
It’s my daughter’s age, of course, that poses a problem. Like so many public schools that were muzzled in the Bush era, hers has almost no sex-ed and the little it does focuses on the mythic meeting of the sperm and the egg, not their intimately messy modes of transport. “Lolllipop” is the most graphic information she’s getting beyond what she’s been told at home, which includes mention of the clitoris and its charms. But explaining oral sex to a middle schooler? For the suburban kids in my neighborhood who are barely kissing, this seems premature. So what’s a mother to do when Lil Wayne’s lollipop is out in public, getting licked on national radio?
Gently Unwrapping“Twelve is a difficult age,” says Kris Gowen, a sex educator and researcher who wrote Making Sexual Decisions: The Ultimate Teen Guide . “Some girls at that age are past puberty; others don’t even have breast buds. Some kids are having oral sex in middle school. It’s hard to get a handle on what they know. I would start by asking the child why she likes the song. If it’s just the beat, the discussion may end there.” And if the kid knows the song is about sex? Gowen recommends finding out if she knows what it means.
“Oral sex is a whole new level of complexity and is not brought up in school,” she says. “Why? there’s nothing procreative about oral sex. Once you start talking about it, you’re talking about pleasure and, holy smokes, that’s not easy for a parent or for society. “
But determining what a child may know without forcing the discussion can be tricky. A line like “let me get it juicy for you” may fly wholly or only partially under a child’s sexual radar. “Clearly, ‘juicy’ is an erotic term, but is it sexualized below the waist or above?” asks Gowen. To a child, she says, “’juicy’ could refer to the mouth, like a wet kiss, not the vagina.”
Word play used to avert this confusion and allow for dual meanings. Any number of blues and pop songs balance highly suggestive metaphor with straight narrative. In Black Snake Moan, Blind Lemon Jefferson sang:
Mmm, mmm, black snake crawlin' in my room
Mmm, mmm, black snake crawlin' in my room
Some pretty mama better come and get this black snake soon
Even the most overtly sexual blues lyrics (sung by Robert Johnson and nicked by Led Zeppelin) hew to a metaphor, subtle as it isn’t: “You can squeeze my lemon ‘till the juice run down my leg…” But increasingly, metaphor and simile are being vaporized in the timeless poesy of hit makers like Webbie, unburdened by innuendo, singing, "She don't never trip/all she want is that dick." (And dubbed-for-radio lyrics just drive kids straight to the Internet to see what they’ve missed.) Likewise, Lil Wayne starts with the conceit of a lollipop , (layered with a pun: “make her wanna lick the rapper”), but quickly abandons it for the single entendre of lines like “let me get it juicy for you,” which (nice of him to offer) bear no relevance to lollipops.
It was this poetic failure that made me take Gowen’s advice and broach the subject of oral sex in a moving vehicle with a 12 year-old. The next time my daughter cranked up Lollipop , I inquired about the lyrics. She told me she knows exactly what they mean, and we discussed it briefly while she tried not to squirm.
Then she asked why I asked. I explained that as long as she’s going to hear about oral sex on the radio, I want her to understand what it is, why it’s done, and when and if it’s right to do it. She shot me an angry smile, and said, “You know, you’re the only mom who talks about this stuff.”
She meant it as an insult. I took it as a compliment.
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What about "My Neck, My Back" by Khia? If I'm not mistaken, that song was all about cunnilingus and I couldn't turn on MTV without seeing it.
"“Oral sex is a whole new level of complexity and is not brought up in school,” she says. “Why? there’s nothing procreative about oral sex. Once you start talking about it, you’re talking about pleasure and, holy smokes, that’s not easy for a parent or for society."
^Really??? You can totally explain oral sex to a 12-year old. We learned about it in health class before that. :-) Is America really THIS prudish?
"Is America really THIS prudish? "
Yes.
As Punchbuggy Green said, YES, American is this prudish! This is the land of "abstinence only education" and "purity rings" (which, indeed, lead to a LOT of unprotected girl-on-boy oral sex among teenagers - so the girl is still - technically - a "virgin" but the boy gets satisfied).
From what I've learned from others since, I feel like my sex ed class may have been a lot more comprehensive than others in the US experienced. I went to a public school district, and in 8th grade everyone had sex ed. (13/14 years old.)
We covered contraception, including the merits and defects of each and the fact that abstinence was the only 100% effective method. We covered the absurd myths of sex and how you can get pregnant, and how using a tampon doesn't make you lose your virginity. We covered female hygiene and menstruation. We covered vaginal, oral, anal sex. We covered birth. We covered the morning after pill. We covered abortion. The teachers themselves were obviously slanted to the more conservative side (esp. on abortion) but they taught us everything we would need to know. My only complaint is that we should have had the class a year or two earlier.
I didn't get any Sex Ed in middle school. I took a health class, but sex wasn't covered. In high school, I also had a health class, and sex ed took place on one day in which the teacher told us which chapter was the chapter on venereal diseases. He instructed us to read it, and then he walked out of the room.
That's all!!!!!!
Wow.. one class with no actual info.. gosh.
We went really in depth.. my health teacher in grade 9 was really open about everything. She told us that she didn't like having sex in the pool because it hurt but she liked it in the shower LOL. :o And she talked about oral/anal sex, dildos, and put condoms on big bananas. haha. those were the days...
My public school sex education was pretty much just my gym teacher giving a quick anatomy lesson and then telling us if we are ever about to have sex, we should imagine her on our shoulder counseling against it. WTF.
An unrelated complaint, she also told all the girls that unless we could put a rule touching each hip bone without touching any skin between, we were fat.
**ruler
Can this car radio be changed or is there only one station?
I think the point was using the song on a popular radio station as an opportunity for education and an open and frank conversation about sexuality and not running away from the topic because it is uncomfortable. Let's face it: If the daughter knew enough to sing along, this is not the first time she's heard this song. She'll hear it again. Why not allow it to be grounded in reality?
Kudos to the OP for using an uncomfortable moment as a chance for an honest, non-shaming discourse on oral sex!
Private Practice is a guilty pleasure of mine, and in more than one episode, women received oral from men. I can't recall any other examples right now, but I've definitely been noticing a lot more of this on mainstream television. Before, Sex and the City was the only show that really talked about/showed women getting head.
I learned about blowjobs when I was 11 or so, from classmates.
I learned about cunnilingus from Final Fantasy 7 fanfiction...
I would so sexually stunted without fanfic.
Dude. OMG. This X 1000.
(Only mine was X-Files fanfic.)
Can Nickelback possibly be any sleasier?
Chad Kroeger of Nickelback has a window that looks into his swimming pool.
I really appreciate your treatment of this subject about how tricky walking that line can be in deciding what's appropriate at what age and having a positive discussion about factors you can't control (like radio). I'm someone who wants kids but is terrified of bringing them up during that tween age! I'm probably just projecting my own anxieties from that age and have watched one too many Oprah episodes. You give me hope that it's not a total nightmare.
But explaining oral sex to a middle schooler?
When I was middle schooler, we could have explained it to our parents, whether we had had it or not. I think your daughter is at the right age for a few talks.
This is exactly what I think. Parents seem to think their middle-school-aged children are a lot more innocent than they actually are. Most of them know about sex and are feeling sexual feelings themselves. These need to be talked about in a direct, mature manner so that they are not confused or mislead. My first sexual encounter was in 8th grade; I'm sure others had similar encounters. Parents shouldn't assume they're not old enough to handle it... they may be dealing with it.
I agree that parents not only think their children are more innocent than they actually are. However, they also, in moments of media-inspired hysteria, think they're far more promiscuous than they are.
Remember the hype about those colored jelly bracelets? Apparently, at middle-school orgies all around the country, boys were salaciously snapping these bracelets off girls' wrists-- the color of the bracelet signified the sexual favor the boy was requesting. I was about 11 when these jellies were popular and had several myself. My peers and I were thrown into fits of giggles upon seeing grave news reporters proclaiming that we were having anal sex (anything involving the anus is hilarious to most 11 year olds) because of our purple bracelets. My girlfriends and I started jokingly snapping each others' wristbands, winking. It was ridiculous.
I'm hardly claiming that kids aren't sexual beings, of course. I remember that a female friend and I once fondled each others' chests when we were 8. I engaged in "wrestling matches" with my male elementary school crush. I had my first "real" kiss at age 12 and started petting shortly after.
Expressing your sexuality as a middle-schooler isn't necessarily damaging. My experiences weren't. This was very different from when I was sexually molested by a neighbor at age 8. That kind of invasive, predatory, adult sexuality was obviously horrifying and confusing, something that children DO need protection from. But for me to be able to explore my sexuality safely with kids my own age in the spirit of mutual curiosity was extremely healing. If I hadn't had those playful and innocent encounters to balance my traumatic experience, I might have been more sexually dysfunctional than I am today. So when it comes to having the talk, I think it's important to underscore the fact that safety, respect, happiness, and mutuality are the fundamentals of sexuality. Whether or not a kid wants to act on any sexual feelings she has, in my opinion, should be left up to her.
It's all just another manifestation of the collective inability to recognize that girls do have sexual feelings without fetishizing, shaming, and objectifying them.
I used to say the exact same thing at that age when my parents would discuss things like this with me.
In hindsight, it was a good thing.
Hey! I recommend the OWL (Our Whole Lives) curriculum if you can find it or know a local place which teaches it. They offer sex education curriculum written by doctors, parents, and educators and tailored to be age appropriate -- the program has several curriculums for elementary, middle, high school, and beyond. I attended a session as a speaker for a high school program at our local unitarian church. They cover every aspect of sex and sexuality-- birth control, where to access it, role play to open the discussion, how to protect yourself, STD testing, rape, homosexuality and sexual orientation, relationship skills, how to recognize abuse... seriously, it was the most complete and accurate program I have EVER seen. It was developed by the Unitarian Universalists church and the United Church of Christ church, though I believe the program is completely secular. The program is based on four tenets: self worth, sexual health, responsibility, and justice and inclusivity. For more information, check out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Whole_Lives
http://archive.uua.org/owl/
http://www.ucc.org/justice/sexuality-education/our-whole-lives.html
I do believe they might do some parent workshops too?
yes i think we should hang every christian (enough of these psycho , they are all weirdo prudes every one of them !)
I think that our teens , for the sake of their sanity , should be mandatorily subjected to the listening of LIL WAYNE songs .