First time poster here with some thoughts to share...
The more my feminist self has been exploring, learning, and questioning, the more I am realizing that I am going through a process quite similar to the Kübler-Ross model of grief. This model lays out five different stages that people often go through during grief and they remarkably match the emotions and thoughts that I have gone through in my feminism. (Note: not everyone completes all stages in this particular order. Some get stuck in various stages for long periods of time before moving on – or even get stuck permanently.)
Stage 1: Denial – ignoring or just unaware of the sexism around us, perhaps thinking “its not that bad”. It took me a long time to put the pieces of the patriarchy puzzle together and realize the larger scale of sexism and the grand implications.
Stage 2: Anger – and lots of it! I often found myself just furious thinking “How can this be acceptable!?!? Don’t people see this!? Don’t people care!?” This was my strongest and longest stage. :(
Stage 3: Bargaining – the Kubler-Ross model described this as “trying to avoid the situation”. At one point I wished to unlearn everything I had learned and go back to blissful ignorance. Of course I couldn't and of course I wouldn't if I were really able, but I wanted to escape what I was finding out and the implications of that on my life and relationships.
Stage 4: Depression - the situation sinks in and is overwhelming. There seems to be no hope. "How can I, as one person, stand up against a system of sexism where feminism is not even taken seriously? What hope is there for change when I can't even convince my own boyfriend!?!?"
Stage 5: Acceptance – this was described in the model as “peace and understanding” – I've definitely gained much more understanding and feel more secure and solid on my feminist foundation where I can hold my own in a debate and have actually gotten the feminist light to go off in my boyfriends head! I don’t know if I’ve reach “peace”…but here is hoping for that ultimate goal!
Thoughts, comments, etc?
Thanks!
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can we go from one level to another... like DAILY? lol im teasing.. im 23 is that too young to be at the "acceptance" level?
I think this is wonderful!
S
i've been in the anger stage since i was a kid.
i used to think i must be weird or crazy because the kinds of things that made me so angry only made ME angry. everyone else accepted it. so i thought it was a problem with the way i was thinking, not the way the world operated.
feminism was a relief for me when i realized that i was right all those years and i wasn't actually a freak of nature.
but i still haven't exactly ventured out of the anger stage (though sometimes i switch to the depression stage)... it pisses me off that no one else can see the world the way we feminists do.
I agree! I remember when I was a kid, I just never got why women were discriminated against. I'd always ask my mom, "Why couldn't women vote a long time ago?", "Why don't people like women?", "Why would being a women prevent you from getting a job?" Seriously, I just never got sexism. And I still don't. When were kids, were taught everyone is equel, no matter what. I just still believe that whole-heartedly.
I seem to be going back and forth between anger and depression lol...the acceptance stage will feel good once I final get there lol
me too!
good one - still hovering between anger and depression though :)
This is great.
I've never been at the denial stage.
I always knew things were fucked up and I wanted to know why, but like the commenter above, I just couldn't understand sexism. And I still don't.
I'd give myself reasons why sexism exists but none of those reasons ever seemed good enough. Ever.
Acceptance is a odd final stage. i get what the stage is trying to express but I'd rather the last stage read something like...
Acknowledgement/Comprehension/Focus: One understands one's own idenity and how one's privledge impacts others. Moreover, one is motivated to challenge oppression.
Interesting look at it!
I had a long denial stage, and now I'm sort of in between the anger stage and bargaining stage, though more with anger. Actually, I think that I'm simultaneously going through a similar process with lesbianism/queerness, and so the bargaining stage is sort of a combination of the two. When I'm feeling down, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better just to sell my soul to the devil (so to speak), marry some rich dude, and be a housewife. Sure, the sex would feel like daily rape, sure, I wouldn't get to accomplish my activist goals, but it would be so EASY. I could just sit around and read all day! But don't worry, those thoughts are fairly infrequent ;-)
I fluctuate between the anger and bargaining, with a little of the depression when I think about sexism influencing my career (again). I'd like to include the "Ambition" stage-- where I want to do anything and everything to change the world around me. Still trying to find a helpful site that lists Feminist volunteer opportunities in Norther Cali though...