This blog entry could've been so interesting, especially since it was featured on the Yahoo! homepage.
However, when I read it, I grimaced. While these may be bad wedding traditions, they are hardly 'the worst.'
Basically, it just says "waa, I don't want to go to another long, boring wedding or be in an ugly bridesmaid dress."
Excuse me, but I think the worst wedding traditions are:
-The bride being handed off from father to husband.
-The bride being expected to change her last name to match her husband's.
-The phrase "I now pronounce you man and wife/husband and wife/Mr-and-Mrs (his last name). What about same-sex couples? Also, why do we need to be pronounced as such? How about, 'I now pronounced you married?'
-The virginal white dress that is traditional in our current culture.
Anything to add to the REAL 'Worst Wedding Traditions?'
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whoops. I forgot to mention that the author(s) DID mention that the bouquet tossing and the garter-taking-off were bad.
Which is good.
Definitely agree on the things you posted, and I'd add the veil that is still surprisingly popular... ewww.
What is the negative connotation of the veil? All I know is that in Judaism, the groom lifts the veil to ensure he is marrying the right woman based on the biblical story of Jacob being wedded to Leah, who kept her veil on to trick him, instead of rachel. That seems fairly harmless.
Oh, I was under the impression it was connected to purity and a sense of being given away, like along with the white dress... that might not be correct, though, I'm not an expert on wedding traditions, and it also might be different in Judaism (I come from a Christian background).
Here is a link to information about the veiling of the bride in Judaism: http://www.ritualwell.org/lifecycles/intimacypartnering/Jewishweddingscommitmentceremonies/sitefolder.2005-06-07.5921979856/bedecken.xml
Interestingly, it also contains information about how to make this ceremony more egalitarian.
Thanks for the link! I was not aware of the first connotation of the veil with modesty.
I don't have a problem with saying "I now pronounce you husband and wife." If its two men, they can say husband and husband, or whatever they want. The language at a particular wedding doesn't have to be inclusive of people who aren't the ones getting married that day. And I think husband and wife is better than man and wife, or Mr. and Mrs. Whoever.
But they are still saying the male as the first. Its never wife and husband.
On the other hand, its always ladies and gentlemen, not gentlemen and ladies. Linguistically there are a lot of phrases that have a set order that isn't logical-- like you would say "the big blue house" never "the blue big house."
If someone wants to say wife and husband they should, but I can't get that worked up about that one.
The male in the pair nearly always goes first -- boys and girls, men and women, husbands and wives.
the only phrase I can think of where the female is normaally mentioned first (other than ladies and gentlemen, which is not used that often anymore)is mothers and fathers.
It seems to me this is deliberate... the male in the pair is thought to be the more important of the two, except in the case of parenting where of course the mother is the more important of the two. After all, isn't our main purpose in life to raise kids? (Heavy dose of sarcasm there, in case there's any doubt).
The only other ones I can think of where the woman goes first are aunt and uncle/grandma and grandpa And both of those are about relationship to a child. hmmm
Ladies and gentlemen is used all the time at the beginning of speeches, events, plays, etc. It might not be used in casual conversation, but then you also wouldn't say "hey, men and women" to a room full of your friends.
They specify ladies first because its treating them like they are extra fragile. It isnt given the same element of privilege and ownership as saying husband and wife.
I agree. I have a problem with man and wife (is the wife no longer a woman?) but not with husband and wife. It can always be changed for same-sex couples and why should hetero-couple not be allowed to use those terms to describe themselves if they so wish? No one's stopping queer couples from referring to themselves as wives or husbands (well except places where gay marriage is illegal, but that's another issue).
The #1 worst wedding tradition? Spending tens of thousands of dollars on a ceremony and reception that lasts several hours and expecting that day to be the best day of your life.
I have been a bridesmaid in enough of these to know it's the last thing I want. None of the brides even wanted to be at their own wedding by the time the big day arrived, since they'd overdosed on all the planning and just wanted to get it over with.
I know someone who just got married on their front porch with 4 close friends/siblings as witnesses and another friend who got ordained in order to perform the ceremony. Their "engagement ring" was the house they purchased together, and the bride wore a $50 vintage dress that she picked out specifically so she could wear it again many times. Sounds excellent to me!
Yes, that is definitely the worst tradition. I do like the idea of having an occasion to have all your family and friends there, and that means a certain amount of cost, but I'd like it to be as cheap as possible. And I really don't care to worry about things like centerpieces.
Indeed. Not only is it a huge mis-allocation of money, but "happiest day of your life" or "this is the moment you've dreamt of and planned for your entire life" is really disappointing. To have your whole life's dreams boil down to the events of one day? It only makes sense if you're a gadfly.
My aunt is the queen of thinking up new sexist wedding traditions. For each of her son's weddings she sends a letter to all the guests asking us to send the bride recipes so she can fulfill her wifely duties (she doesn't phrase it that blatantly but you get the gist). I highly doubt that all four of her daughter's in law love cooking.
If I have to sit through another wedding dinner where she gives a speech about adam/eve and a woman's role I will lose it. The worst was when she gave that speech to a couple that were both graduating from med school and going on to residency. Did she just expect the woman to give up all her training and hit the kitchen?
Holy God. I am so sorry.
Whats wrong with being pronounced husband and wife?
Because it makes it sound like the wife is the possession of the husband. Its never said wife and husband. It reminds me of saying 'husband and the support to him,' when he is put first and her second.
I can see how it could be interpreted like that, but "and" is not an indicator of possession.
I also like the rhythm of it, but that's clearly a cultural thing.
I don't see it. I think saying husband and wife shows that with marriage, both parties take on a new identity. The term man and wife is the only one that implies ownership to me.
I'm not so sure that the traditional order is problematic. Sometimes the female is first, as in "ladies and gentlemen," sometimes the male is first as in "husband and wife." There could be more to it, but I think that would require a lot of studying on how the phrase came about.
Yeah I don't see anything wrong with husband and wife. How is it any different from brother and sister, mother and father etc?
I can see how man and wife is problematic though, because he retains his identity as a man and the woman must take on a new role as a wife.
I can see that if it were "husband and his wife", implying possession, or that much loathed "man and wife".
Who comes first and who comes second is too much like splitting hairs to me. If "wife" comes first, it that another example of "ladies first"? Or on tax forms, one is the taxpayer and one is "spouse"....
I suppose the most egalitarian way to make the pronouncement is "I now pronounce you a married couple". Hit 'em both at the same time.
The husband and wife isn't as bad as man and wife. Man and wife definately sounds more like owner and posession.
I was going to change my last name (didn't get married due to economic problems, still planning to though later), not because I agree with the tradition but because I am tired of spelling my last name and having it pronounced wrong. My fiance's is short, sweet and almost no one can spell it wrong or say it wrong.
Honestly, I think that's the best way to decide it. If your name is easy, keep it, if its a hard one, a wedding is a convenient time to change your name without pissing off your family. :)
My little sister is getting married, and I must vent here a bit b/c she reads my blog and I can't really vent there.
I'm a feminist-- have been since I was old enough to think. She's been planning her wedding and dreaming of changing her name since she was old enough to think. I love her but it's like we're unrelated!
She's changing her name-- which is so painful to me I can't even think about it. She even has email addresses with her new last name already. AND currently her facebook profile picture is only her engagement ring. Yikes. Don't even get me started on reducing yourself to an object of ownership.
And she's all about wedding tradition. I'm her Maid of Honor so I'm wearing some hideous dress and I have to throw a bridal shower and bachelorette party.
Of course my dad is giving her away.And of course she has a dress, with the veil that my dad is lifting when he gives her away. Ugh. I don't know how I'm going to survive!
=( I'm so sorry.
The best advice is grin and bear it... and then find some random guest who is totally cool and spend time with that person making fun of the wedding?
At my cousin's wedding, I spent the whole time spying on his paternal cousins, in case they started causing trouble (they did at his sister's wedding and it cost them four hundred dollars in damages). So it wasn't as bad as it could've been.
It'so hard to witness someone dear to you making choices that fly in the face of your own values.
Watershed, I'm not going to defend the expectations placed on women who marry, but I want to share something interesting that I read a while back at a BDSM site. The article was on the different stages of submission, going from "I'm only pretending to do this because it's hot, just this once, but if you ever call me that out on the street, I'll shank you" to "I want to be owned, I want to give up control of my life to someone that I worship". The article listed nine levels.
Now. One hallmark to a BDSM relationship is that all of this is negotiated. No one bullies the other into doing more than they're comfortable with - both have the right to refuse because respect and consent are key. Without them, none of the rest - whips, chains, what have you - can happen.
Now, the interesting and sad thing about this article is that Level 8 (Level 9 was a fantasy-land scenario that the author said would never happen IRL so don't even try) was described as a "traditional wife" status, but WITHOUT the negotiation - that is, her agreement to do all those things is immaterial.
That said, the "traditional wife" thing works for some people, but probably not most. As a personal choice, whatever. Fine. But when it's expected, that's the problem. It should never be expected, and a woman should never go down this road without thinking thoroughly about the personal impact of her decisions.
If your sister consents to all her choices - that is, they are hers and not because society says she has to - then fine. They're not for you, but it's possible to respect her informed decisions. However, if that's not the case, that's, well... that's horrible.
I think the other (getting married) sister could also say "It's so hard to witness someone dear to you making choices that fly in the face of your own values."
What is it that she values about all the trappings of a big wedding? Of taking someone's name? It may surprise you.
I've seen two 'exceptions' to the husband/wife, man/wife thing at two different friend's weddings. Both humorous and well accepted by the couple and the guests. Both where hetero marriages, but the first I could definitely see working for ANY marriage :)
The first one instead of the whole "i now pronounce you man/wife-husband/wife" thing, the officiate said "...and now, though your hearts are already one, you have a pretty sheet of paper that say so too. *chuckle* I now present to you the audience, this wonderful loving couple."
The second I started rolling my eyes before the officiate more than made up for it IMHO. He said "And now I pronounce you man and wife. *puts hand up to the side of his mouth and loudly whispers to the audience* Which is just an old-fashion way of boosting the man's ego 'cause we all know *points to the bride* she's the one really in charge!"
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But here is my list of traditions that need to go, no particular order.
1. Man & Wife
2. White wedding dresses. (If we hadn't eloped it would have been blue, i don't care what anyone says. I was married in a blue outfit anyway lol)
3. Father giving away the daughter. (Why does the bride need help walking down the aisle even if there isnt that creepy ownership implication?)
4. Name changes. (My hubby's grandmother still addresses everything to me with his last name even though I haven't changed mine and am not going to... he actually wants to change his when we have kids but doesnt want to deal with the family drama of changing it now, I dont blame him either, his family is full of wackos)
5. The "Everything must be perfect" wedding. (Nothing is perfect, deal).
6. Going into debt for a wedding. (Go into debt on something you need. Like a house. A big wedding or any wedding is a want, not a need)
7. 'Getting married' and 'having a wedding' being synonymous. (You don't have to have a wedding to get married. I can think quickly of at least 3 friends who ended up not getting married because they didn't want to go through with a wedding and the partner did. That isn't fear of commitment, that's stage fright/anxiety/trying to spend money wisely/not wanting to be a dress-up doll to parade around for people/etc...)
8. Tossing the bouquet. (Who says you are supposed to run around and nearly kill yourself for bunch of flowers because society says you are worthless if you aren't married... I think I just answered that one).
9. Removing/tossing the garter belt. (Similar to #8, except this has the added element of sexualizing the experience. If the man is going to throw the belt, the woman should throw something similar... maybe her BOB?? lmao!)
10. Wedding registries. (I've known too many people to have a cheap wedding when they would have rather just eloped, just for the presents.)
Amen to #8 - at my cousin's wedding, we all lined up and then the flowers came flying... and we all step back and ended up staring at them on the floor...
Why are these the "worst" wedding traditions?
Lighten up!
There's a whole industry out there to help you create the wedding of your dreams. Want to have a friend get "ordained" online? Sure! Want to wear black? No problem!
(Have you seen the TV show "My Big Redneck Wedding"? Cringe!)
The world is your oyster!
Now, consider this:
Middle Eastern women have no control over who they marry! Their fathers find a husband for their daughters for their own economic advantage.
I used to live in the South Pacific. Husbands there exchange a bride price with their father-in-law. How many pigs are you worth? 10, 12?
When you have *your* wedding, you can do it *your* way.
If you aren't mature enough to congratulate your sister, girlfriend, roommate, cousin, whoever on her happiness, then don't go to her wedding.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
I have a friend who was ordained online for that purpose :-)
I think the white dress doesn't so much signify virginity from its 19th c. inception (as far as cross-class popularity goes) as much as it does wealth, because white has historically been a difficult and expensive color to keep clean.
I hate the body-restructuring that so often goes on under the wedding dress, as well as the beautification culture that surrounds bridehood (like you must undergo a plethora of expensive and IMO ridiculous beauty rituals in order to be a 'good' bride).
I also despise the pre-marriage stripper tradition current among many men and some women (let's just say that I wouldn't seriously date, let alone consider marrying, anyone who had it in his character to treat other human beings as commodities).
Likewise, the garter. Husband, you are my helpmeet, not my pimp.
Also bad is the conspicuous consumption that's typical with weddings (gift registry that makes inappropriate assumptions re: guests' means, diamond engagement rings which are produced under terrible conditions, 6k on a corseted souffle you'd never wear under any other circumstances, the list goes on).
Finally, the destination wedding (others' schedules and finances do not revolve around the happy couple), unless all those involved have been consulted and are comfortable.
And, yes, I am planning my wedding right now.
Aaahahahaa, couldn't agree more. The wedding industry? Dang. It can really suck the happy out of your wedding day plans - best of luck, BTW.