I have a very difficult situation to deal with right now, and I am really, REALLY hoping for some good input from everyone. I understand that this sounds really bizarre, but it's true. I'm a little lost as to what I should do.
I’m 17 years old, male, and a strong believer in feminism. I know everyone’s first thought will be that my mother probably had a lot to do with that. Unfortunately, that is not the case. There were three or four very serious things that happened to my sister, and to a couple of very close female friends of mine that drew my attention to sexism when I was about twelve. Later, something very sexist and hurtful was done my girlfriend, when I was 15. I learned about feminism by accident, when I was randomly screwing around on the internet, and came across a feminist web site. I read about it, and started identifying myself as a feminist the next day. It turned out I already was a feminist, and I just didn’t know about that label. That would have been two years ago, and I have learned more, and become more engaged in it since. I found this movement by my self. As it happens, my mother is actually the main cause of my problem at the moment.
My mom has actually had very few frank discussions with me about gender, sexuality, etc. until the last year or so, by which time I had developed my opinions and attitudes on my own, and she could do little to change that. My mother is not a feminist, even in the loose sense of the word, though I honestly didn't know how she felt about these things until more recently. Unfortunately, my sister, who is now 13 is not getting the same level of freedom I did.
Our mom hasn't exactly been nice to my sister about her sexuality. I was allowed to sexually develop quite freely, and that definitely has made me a better person. I am only now learning that that was because of my gender. My mom has made some very mean comments about sexuality to my sister, designed to keep her away from boys; comments that make her feel dirty, and degraded for liking them. She makes it sound like even thinking about sex is dirty. On top of that, over the last few months, whenever my sister has been upset about something, mom instantly blames it on hormones. She simply refuses to consider the possibility that my sister upset over a real problem.
My sister and I have a truly outstanding relationship compared to most siblings. We respect each other, and are very close. My sister often comes into my room crying over the things that my mom says. I always give her a hug, and tell her I love her, and that mom is full of shit. I tell her that she is not dirty, there is nothing wrong with her or her body, that liking boys is perfectly healthy; that good relationships are wonderful things, and sex not only isn't dirty, but is usually a great source of harmless fun, as long as its done safely, with someone your comfortable with. I also listen to her social difficulties at school and such, which my mom thinks are all in her head, and take her seriously. I can't actually do anything about her problems, but just the fact that someone believes her usually makes her feel better.
Well, my sister is to the point where she won't talk to mom about anything. When mom says something about her sexuality, or ANY sexuality, she immediately asks me. She considers anything my mom says about sexuality, or any of a variety of general social issues completely worthless unless I back it up. She doesn't even want to hear from our mom anymore about most of her problems with mean classmates, and boys she likes, and stuff like that. When my mom says something about any number of topics that she has historically made my sister feel bad about, my sister will either find an excuse to get away, or completely ignore her, and just, sort of, pretend to listen.
Anyway, my sister, being 13, will be starting her period soon. My mom tried to talk to her about that a couple of times the other day. My sister is so alienated by our mom that she simply refuses to talk to her. As always, she came to me, and started asking me questions about her period; about what would have to be done about it, and such. She refuses, quite avidly, to tell our mom anything, and simply won't have the puberty talk with her. She wants me to help her through it. She doesn't want my mom to make her feel bad about her sexuality, but more importantly, she is afraid that, once her period starts, mom will never listen to her about anything again. All her problems will be hormonal for the rest of her life, as far as mom is concerned. She thinks getting her period will much further damage her relationship with our mom. Therefore, she wants me to get her through it, and hopefully keep mom out of the loop for as long as possible.
I tried to explain to her that she would need stuff; pads, tampons, etc., and that mom was the easiest way to get then; that if a lot of time went by, and mom never heard about her period, she would wonder; that I'm a guy, so I don't actually know much about how to help her. Still, my sister desperately wants me to to help her through puberty. I told her I would.
I talked to my girlfriend about this, and she told me a little about the process. She says she will help me where she can, but she can only do so much. Only I can actually be here for my sister. I got on the internet, and looked for scientific papers on female anatomy, and the menstrual cycle. I found a tremendous number of documents on very specific subjects; genital sores, some kind of creepy vaginal worm, all kinds of bizarre syndromes and disorders with 27-syllable names; but I couldn't find a single real scientific paper that would tell me about a normal, healthy, teenage girl's period (I'm going to really, deeply hope that she does have a normal, healthy productive system. I'll have a hard enough time with this without any complications). I found some parenting web sites that give tips for people helping their daughter's through this, but they assumed the person helping had experienced a period before.
I know sort of what stuff to buy, but if I sneak out and go to Walgreens to to buy some tampons, and I, a guy, plop down a box of them at the cash register, will they even sell them to me? What if they come in different sizes, or something? What if my mom finds out, and gets angry? I expect I can get my girlfriend to send some tampons or something my way, and, with time and research, perhaps I can answer my sister's questions. I am not afraid to tackle a job normally done by mothers. I can think of that as an adventure in breaking an established gender role. I mostly just resent that my mom has alienated my sister to this point, and has effectively made this my job in doing so.
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First of all, tampons do come in different sizes. As do pads. There's a hell of a lot of variety. And besides pads and tampons, you're maybe also gonna need painkillers and a heating pad. I'm sure they'll sell them to you (my dad buys me them all the time if he's headed to the store and I'm not). If your mom finds out, maybe try confronting her? Or not. You know better than anyone else if that'd be appropriate or just make things worse.
Best of luck to you and your sister.
I can't imagine why a drug store would refuse to sell you feminine hygiene products, though you may have to deal with some strange looks. It's probably important to know that not only do pads and tampons come in different sizes, but also in different levels of absorbency, which can also be important. If there is a woman or older girl (you mentioned that you have a girlfriend who has been helpful) I would see if she is willing to step in and help out; at some point, your sister may need to chat with a sympathetic woman who has actually gone through the process before. Learning how to use a tampon isn't always easy, so having someone there who knows what it feels like can be a huge asset. I'm not saying this to diminish your efforts or willingness to help, which I think is truly admirable, but this may become a necessity at some point.
As for your Mom, I would try to encourage some sort of conversation, maybe involving all three of you, about fostering a more positive environment. My younger sister came to me when she first experienced menstruation and I encouraged her to go chat with our mother (there was no bad blood, I think my sister just felt more comfortable with someone closer to her own age). I think my Mom was a bit sad that my sister hadn't gone to her first. Perhaps if you explain to your own mother how serious the situation has become, such that your sister doesn't want to speak to her about anything, she will realize that things need to change. Good luck!
Probably most men have bought tampons or pads. I've certainly never heard of one getting hassled for it (certainly, I've never been).
You sound like a wonderful brother! Kudos to you for being open and a safe person for your sister to be around. I suggest trying to find a girl - like your girlfriend - or someone else for your sister to be able to go to with more specific questions. Maybe go to the bookstore and browse some books in the teen section on the subject too.
And you can buy whatever products your sister might need over the counter. My boyfriend runs to the store and gets me tampons all the time. :)
Try looking on websites, such as "gurl.com" It was useful for me, when I was a young girl, just starting puberty.
Um, as for your sister. Atfirst, hopefully, she'll have light periods, so try going for the lighter flow pads, or tampons, you could get both, for your sister, and see which she perfers, when she starts her periods.A heat pad, would be a good idea, but she may not start having period pains, until a couple of years, or months of the periods starting. Mine were fine at first, and now very painful.
You sound like a really nice guy to do this with your sister (: I agree with maybe having a chat with your mom.
Just my two cents for what it's worth.
I'd start her off on pads. She'll ask about and try tampons when and if she feels ready. First thing I would tell her is, "Don't flush the pad, they plug toilets. You need to put it in the garbage once it has been used."
Pads do come in different sizes so try getting a variety pack made up of different sizes. That way, she can figure out what works best for her depending on her menstrual flow. Her menstrual flow may be different on different days of her period. For example, she may want an extra long pad (often described as for overnight on packages) for night-time to make sure that she doesn't get blood on the upper back part of her underwear. Some people even use two pads to make a super long pad for overnight.
Once she finally gets her period, that doesn't necessarily mean that she is going to get it every month at first. It may take her body a while to develop a regular cycle. For example, my second period came over three months after my first.
She may get a stomache ache. Tylenol or Midol can usually help with this. You may want to get extra strength.
For a few days before her period starts, she may notice that her tummy seems to look bigger. This is called bloating and it is normal. If it is bothersome, Midol helps with it.
Okay, first off, I highly recommend Scarleteen for information about sex, sexuality and sexual health that won't make you feel like a freak (particularly, in your case, this article).
Secondly, as for the pad/tampon thing, there's a lot of variety, which makes it tempting to say "oh, just let your girlfriend do it", but it's really not hard to figure out. Basically, each brand of pad or tampon carries their products in a range of absorbencies. "Overnight" pads are usually the most absorbent, whereas "light" pads and tampons are the least, and also the thinnest.
Tampons also come in variety packs, which makes your job easier (I haven't bought pads in a while, so I don't know if they do, too). Also, since your sister is pretty young, she might prefer "slender" or "slim" tampons.
Bottom line is, read the package; it'll tell you everything you need to know.
Finally, it sucks about your mom, but it's great that your sister has someone she can go to! You're doing a better job than I suspect most brothers would!
First, let me just say, your sister is lucky to have you.
Tampons and pads do come in varying sizes/absorbencies. Seriously, go take a wander down the girlybits aisle sometime. The variety of products will probably startle you. There are pads and tampons. Within pads, there are scented pads, pads with wings, "night-time" pads that are shaped differently...tampons come in about four different absorbency levels - which, btw, are standardized between brands, so don't worry about choosing a brand by absorbency - and you can get them either with an applicator or without. Most women start out using pads - I know I did - because they can be easier, particularly if her hymen is intact. If you want to get her products, I would say just go and grab a box of pads of a medium absorbency level (or if they have a variety pack, do that) and a multi-pack box of tampons, so she can use whatever best suits her. Yes, they will sell to you - I've had my boyfriend pick me up tampons before.
Also, grab her some Excedrin - I specifically recommend Excedrin because the caffeine in it helps with the headaches that some women experience during their periods - don't bother with Midol, to be honest.
And you know, you're right about there being absolutely NOTHING for male relatives on helping a girl through her first period. I found ONE resource (though it's for fathers, it at least assumes a male reader), and its biggest bit of advice is "Get your wife to help". Here it is anyway, though... http://www.savvydaddy.com/content/site/survival-guide/0064/how-support-your-daughter-when-she-has-her-first-period
Good luck. You may not have signed up for this job - teenagers shouldn't be expected to parent their siblings, and I'm so sorry your mom has made this your job by her attitude toward your sister - but it sounds like you take this seriously, and like I said, your sister is lucky to have you.
Awww! You're such a good big brother! I have a big brother kinda like you, and let me tell you firsthand, having a positive male influence like yours will always mean the world to her, not to mention shape her future relationships and self image. Just keep it up and hopefully your influence will help negate some of the bad stuff that happens to her.
I would recommend taking your girlfriend with you shopping for pads and stuff. Heck, maybe even make your sister go with you (and your gf if that makes her feel better), so she can see what she'll be dealing with for the next 40 or so years... As for products, I would advise you to buy her mostly pads, because tampons can be a pain if you're not sexually active. There are usually multi-packs that have various absorbencies which will come in handy. Midol is almost a necessity (it's pretty much Tylenol and caffeine) or some type of heating pad. And buy her a pocket calendar of some kind, so she can track her first and last days of her cycle. It may be irregular, but it'll help her not be surprised (as much).
Advice for period newbies:
Irregularity: Warn your sister that for her first couple of years her period may not be regular, so keep an extra pad or two in her backpack and/or purse at all times. She'll also probably go through a lot of spotting between periods, totally normal, just keep panty liners (super light pads) on hand.
Cramps: Just because cramps are horrendous early on doesn't mean they will be forever (and vice versa). Let her know once she gets to about 16-ish she could be prescribed birth control for her cramps (it really does help, and at 16 the doc doesn't have to tell your folks).
Cravings: Yes, they do happen. Before and after. And sometimes you will keep eating until you get what you're craving. It happens. I notice before I crave sweets (probably due to hormone fluctuations) and after I crave red meat (probably due to blood loss), but every woman is different and your cravings may change over time (I used to crave salt before). Keep track of what you crave and keep some snacks on hand that'll satisfy you. Unless you're ok with gorging yourself and then by all means, enjoy!
Moodiness: This is a true one too. When you get to the point of moodiness, don't pawn it off as if you're unable to control it. Yes it happens, but it doesn't have to rule how you interact with people (including and especially your mom).
I've got no advice on how to deal with your mom... That's a real toughie. But I hope what I've listed here will help!
First of all, seriously, thank you for making sure that your sister doesn't go through adolescence without anyone sympathetic and non-judgmental to talk to about puberty, sexuality, and relationships. That's going to make a huge difference to her now and down the road.
Second, I want to reiterate what the other commenters have said about obtaining pads and tampons. You may get 30 seconds of hairy eyeball from a particularly uncool cashier at the grocery store, but it's really not that unusual for a guy to be buying menstrual supplies on a girl's behalf. Also, be aware that pads and tampons come in a range of sizes, shapes, and absorbencies and it WILL take a couple of tries to figure out which ones work best for your sister's particular needs. After that, though, it gets a lot easier to pick them.
Third, for scientific AND compassionate information about menstruation (and a whole hell of a lot more), I would strongly recommend the sex ed website Scarleteen and Planned Parenthood's Teen Talk site. Scarleteen has a long, detailed description of both biological and practical aspects of menstruation which would be a great place to start. They also provide recommendations for books on the subject and an extensive Q&A section with real questions from readers. Teen Talk has an excellent Flash animation that demonstrates how to use and dispose of different kinds of menstrual products. Also, both sites describe how to find and use alternate/reusable menstrual products, such as cloth pads and menstrual cups. Depending on your sister's particular situation, those might be easier/more pleasant to use or easier for her to use without your mother's interference.
Best of luck to you and her!
You do sound like a wonderful brother and person in general!
I agree with everyone who says start her off on pads first. They're a little easier to use and if she starts out with light enough periods they should be ok. Also they'll sell them to you--you won't be the first guy who's ever had to buy pads or tampons for a female relative/girlfriend/whomever!
Take your sister to the drug store and tell HER to pick out what SHE thinks she'll need after you talk to her about the differences, which everyone has outlined already.
It will help her feel less awkward with the whole thing and she'll become accustomed to it and feel like she can definitely do it on her own as she grows.
I recommend, honestly, going the day she receives her first period. Then she'll know how she's feeling and what her flow is like, so she'll know more so what she needs for her body.
I wish someone had done that for me. It would've made everything so much easier.
I think it is great that you are providing a postive role model to your sister, and that you are trying to help her.
As for pads vs. tampons, I would provide her with both, and let her decide. I think that not wanting young girls to use tampons can come across as there being something dirty or wrong or bad about placing it into your vagina.
I was wondering if there might be another female family member that could be of some assistance to your sister. It would be nice if she could have a positive female in her life as well. Perhaps an aunt or a cousin?
Finally, you said that 3-4 serious things happened to your sister that helped to spark your feminism. I don't know what these things are, but I imagine that they must have been traumatic for her. And, it seems that your mother may not have provided the help your sister needs to deal with these traumatic events. If this is true, your sister may be in need of some kind of counseling, and that may be something you can advocate for on her behalf.
I think it is worth mentioning that there are a lot of things that a young woman might think is abnormal about her period, when there is, in fact, nothing wrong with her. Here are a few examples so you know what to expect:
1. Periods are not always regular, especially at first. average cycle is 28 days apart, but some are shorter and some are longer. It is completely normal to skip a period at her age, or to have one really light period followed by a heavy period the next month.
2. Once she has her first period, she will probably get some non-menstrual discharge the rest of the month. it may be clear or cream colored, and it is perfectly normal. Their probably won't be very much of it. it is also normal to have a small amount of spotting (very small amount of blood) in between periods.
3. The color and consistency of the blood may vary; it may be a little clumpy, light in color, or towards the end of the period it is normal to have dark red/brownish blood.
Thats all I can think of at the moment; and if anything way out of the ordinary happens (which is unlikely) you can always talk to a doctor. good luck with you sister!
ps. you should probably get at least one pack of pads before your sister starts her period, so that she's prepared whenever it happens.
Good point. When I first got my period I bled clumpy stuff that was pretty big and made me afraid I was dying. It was perfectly normal.
Clay, I don't think you explicitly need to talk about blood consistency with your sister expect to let her know it may appear chunky and weird and that that's normal. I know you're a novice at this. :)
Periods will through some interesting things your way, but I think society's misplaced mystery around them is incorrectly complex.
1. My boyfriend buys my pads all the time. It ain't no thing. Buy them like they're a box of Hostess Cupcakes. The cashier probably doesn't give a fuck what you are buying anyways. When I worked at Wal-Mart, the only time I took notice to a customer purchase was when a customer, for the third time that day, bought a value sized bottle of warming KY jelly. And generally, I just felt impressed.
2. You'll probably find some funky stuff for the first few go-arounds of the cycle. My first period was loaded with cramps and I was bleeding like a gunshot victim.
3. My mother started me on pads and I would recommend this for the first couple rounds. They are non-invasive and easy to change. Leaks are a concern if you are hiding the period of Mom, but you can always add an extra pantyliner here or there.
4. Over the second or third rounds of my cycle, I had some "clotting." The clots will appear as little pieces or chunks of red stuff. Don't freak out, unless they are really large or really frequent, but a moderate amount of this is totally acceptable when a girl is beginning her period. After all, the menstrual cycle is nothing more than the body's method of a uterus clean-up. If clotting persists, call a doctor and review the situation with them.
5. There might be some literature available on a developing girl’s body that will suggest certain absurd things like to avoid running or hard exercise, or not to eat certain foods, or not to shower, but bathe instead. This is all optional crap some people have chosen to write about over the years. Let your sister work out her own stuff. Just make sure she has pads, pantyliners, some kind of gentle sanitary wipes (Always and Wet-Ones make a nice, gentle wet wipe) and some Tylenol. Be there for her, but don't make her feel like she can't make her own decisions.
Additionally, I'm so sorry about what is going on with your mother. Puberty is scary time for parents -- they think they are losing their kids to adulthood. Hopefully she will discover her relationship with her children can survive and thrive at any age.
Additionally, moving around generally helps cramps!
Wow. You sound like the awesomest big brother ever :P
(This isn't put together very well but some others may have missed it)
1. When she looks down and sees the amount of blood in the toilet, there is a 50/50 chance she'll freak. Explain to her that a little bit of blood looks like a LOT in water. If it helps, food coloring and a bowl of water explains this amazingly.
2. Your period can come at pretty much any time. If she has a purse/bag, there needs to be a pad/tampon and maybe an extra pair of undies in there just in case.
3. If you are afraid of checking out with tampons, offer to do the shopping, so it'll look like you're shopping for other people (which you are) and it won't feel so awkward.
4. Can your GF talk to your little sis alone? She can probably explain it the best. I say alone because while you ARE her brother, they may feel awkward with you in there.
5. As far as pads v. tampons, I would recommend she start out with pads. Pads you can slap on your undies and you're good to go. The thought of shoving cotton up her vagina *might* scare her a little bit, which is not good because having blood coming out of your vagina is bad enough as is.
6. What happens when/if your mom finds out that your sister has been having periods and she's out of the loop? Well, obviously your mother isn't very respectful of your little sister, or this wouldn't even be a problem. If she finds out and starts attacking your little sister, (only verbally I would hope) then you'll have to step in and say something. I personally, would tell her exactly why she was out of the loop. Maybe she would realise that what she is doing is only hurting her daughter. But then again, there is always the possibility that she doesn't care/doesn't understand.
8. You may want to see if her school has any programs relating to puberty. I remember in 5th grade there was a special meeting at school explaining everything about periods. It wasn't scary or weird or anything, but we had to go with our parents.
9. If she has a locker in school, she should keep some extra pants/underwear in there. If she has it at school during class and the teacher won't let her leave with a nurse/bathroom/water excuse, tell her to hand a note to the teacher.
So yeah, I'm 13 and had my period 2 years ago at a movie theater. It isn't so bad :]
Wow. You sound like the awesomest big brother ever :P
(This isn't put together very well but some others may have missed it)
1. When she looks down and sees the amount of blood in the toilet, there is a 50/50 chance she'll freak. Explain to her that a little bit of blood looks like a LOT in water. If it helps, food coloring and a bowl of water explains this amazingly.
2. Your period can come at pretty much any time. If she has a purse/bag, there needs to be a pad/tampon and maybe an extra pair of undies in there just in case.
3. If you are afraid of checking out with tampons, offer to do the shopping, so it'll look like you're shopping for other people (which you are) and it won't feel so awkward.
4. Can your GF talk to your little sis alone? She can probably explain it the best. I say alone because while you ARE her brother, they may feel awkward with you in there.
5. As far as pads v. tampons, I would recommend she start out with pads. Pads you can slap on your undies and you're good to go. The thought of shoving cotton up her vagina *might* scare her a little bit, which is not good because having blood coming out of your vagina is bad enough as is.
6. What happens when/if your mom finds out that your sister has been having periods and she's out of the loop? Well, obviously your mother isn't very respectful of your little sister, or this wouldn't even be a problem. If she finds out and starts attacking your little sister, (only verbally I would hope) then you'll have to step in and say something. I personally, would tell her exactly why she was out of the loop. Maybe she would realise that what she is doing is only hurting her daughter. But then again, there is always the possibility that she doesn't care/doesn't understand.
8. You may want to see if her school has any programs relating to puberty. I remember in 5th grade there was a special meeting at school explaining everything about periods. It wasn't scary or weird or anything, but we had to go with our parents.
9. If she has a locker in school, she should keep some extra pants/underwear in there. If she has it at school during class and the teacher won't let her leave with a nurse/bathroom/water excuse, tell her to hand a note to the teacher.
So yeah, I'm 13 and had my period 2 years ago at a movie theater. It isn't so bad :]
VaginaPagina is wonderful. [ http://www.vaginapagina.com/ ]
So is Scarleteen. [ http://www.scarleteen.com/ ]
I'd suggest reading through that yourself then having her read through it and reviewing the information together.
The Midwest Teen Sex Show might help. [ http://midwestteensexshow.com/ ] Its videos present things in a very humorous easily accessible way.
Also, just throwing this out here but I never needed anyone to show me how to use tampons. It isn't a matter of shoving them straight back 'cause that isn't how our parts are configured. If shes interested in using them there is always a little paper explaining how to use them in the box with a diagram. Explain that you actually put the applicator in straight up, not pointing back.
Regular tampons didn't bother me when I started my period. Then again, I was the size of an average man when I started my period(6' now!). However, they can make cramps SO MUCH WORSE. I had a ton of cramps when I first started so yeah, I'd definitely have pads on hand.
Oh oh oh and if she does want to try tampons I'd suggest the Tampax Pearl. They're pretty freakin' wonderful. They're also frequently on sale at walgreens and CVS.
Others have been really good with the advice, but you might want to suggest she start out with some more environmentally-friendly products.
I LOVE my Diva Cup. It's a silicone cup that is just emptied and reinserted during the period. They only need to be emptied about twice a day, so she doesn't have to worry about emptying (or dealing with tampons or pads) it at school.
Also, there are cloth pads that you can get that you wash. I have less experience with these, but I've heard that they're very comfortable.
Just wanted to throw those out there. I'm appalled at how much waste is generated by tampons and pads and am so glad I've switched. I wish I had started on these sooner.
I totally forgot about fabric pads.
I use the Mooncup now, but could never imagine starting on it, so I didn't suggest it.
Yes, I second fabric pads!
In addition to the many websites listed above (all of them good) you can probably also go to your local planned parenthood center and get some information brochures and maybe even samples there. (In my school's sex-ed classes we got some pads and tampons).
Also, pads and tampons sometimes come in "variety packs" because one's flow is heavier or lighter during different times. So you can get different types in one package.
I recommend starting with pads. And I definitely recommend pads with WINGS! It's a personal thing, surely, but they really do help, especially when you're first trying to position them.
Along with periods, plenty of other things are going on with her body too, so let her know (through you or your girl friend or planned parenthood brochures) about the importance of monthly breast self exams.
I feel for you and your sister. And I'm glad that you take her seriously. My mother never discussed mensturation with me, so when I got my first period at GirlScout Camp it was like a scene out of Carrie! Thankfully, I had awesome counselors. Then, because I had my period I must be moody so when I started getting upset and such she gave me multiple B6 vitamin tablets each day because they "calm you down and help balance your hormones." Whenever I would get more upset, she would up my dosage (crumbling them in food, refusing to let me leave for school unless I took them). To have someone as my advocate would have been wonderful.
You sound like an awesome older brother! About environmentally friendly products:
Menstrual cups (like the Diva Cup or Moon Cup) are great, but they're hard to put in the first few times. I had already had my period for about 6 years when I got my DivaCup, so I was comfortable with the idea of menstruation, and it was still hard to get used to. But I love it now. I also like knowing that I'm not throwing out tons of cotton, spending a lot of money on pads and tampons, and putting awful toxins and pesticides like dioxin into my body.
I do really like cloth pads as well. I just throw them in the wash with my clothes. They don't feel any different from cotton underwear, so they're more comfortable than disposable ones.
If you want to investigate these, check out divacup.com
Also, when I was about your sister's age, my mom gave me a book called "The Period Book" that was helpful.
The advice above is great, I just wanted to add a couple of things. First, it is unfortunately pretty likely that your mom will find out, if she's paying attention at all. My mom actually was the first person to realize I had my first period- before *I* even realized it, because she recognized the heavy discharge stain in my underwear. So if your sister doesn't bleed heavily her first time she might not realize it, but mom will if she does the laundry. Then in later periods, it's almost impossible to go your whole life without staining your underwear at one point or another. Also if mom takes out the bathroom garbage, it's pretty easy to notice that it fills up more quickly one week per month, even if you do a good job of wrapping up the used products with toilet paper. Also, you have to keep the box of pads or tampons near enough that you can reach it, which usually leaves is visible to anyone looking for it.
Also if she needs extra information and there is no handy older female around to give it, she might try the school nurse. She'll know the medical information your sister needs, and nurses tend to have extra pads around for emergencies, even in elementary schools.
One thing you might want to do is, with your sister's involvement and maybe your girlfriend's help, make a "period pack" for your sister's bookbag. I had one that looked like a makeup case, but you could even use a pencil case for stealth if it's a good size. Put in pads, maybe some sanitary wipes in a small package (you don't need them, but sometimes they feel better than dry toilet paper) and some kind of pain medication-IF it's ok to carry it in her school. Make absolutely sure that it is, because the last thing she needs is cramps AND a trip to the principal's office for carrying around drugs. Then she can just keep the pack in her bookbag and be ready whenever it happens. Good luck, and as everyone else has said- you sound like a great brother!
Some links to a bamf website that has seriously helped me throughout the years. Plus, there's a book!
http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576
It was probably one of the reasons I ended up a feminist. Not even joking.
http://www.gurl.com/
http://www.gurl.com/findout/guides/articles/0,,704531,00.html
http://www.gurl.com/findout/dwi/pages/0,,626365,00.html
http://www.gurl.com/findout/dwi/feature/0,,625062,00.html
Let me chime in that you, Clay, are possibly the most helpful and understanding older brother in existence, and are a credit to the human race.
If you're going to help your sister try and hide her period, it is going to be extremely, extremely difficult and require a ton of time and effort and stress. Perhaps it might be better to just tell your mom when your sister gets her period. But, if that really doesn't seem like the best option, you are going to need:
*small vinyl trash bags with twist ties
*two or three new packs of underwear (that mom doesn't know about)
*all the necessary period supplies (pads, midol etc)
*baby wipes
*Spray and Wash Dual Action (it looks like this: http://www.thegmanifesto.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/sprayn-wash-laundry-stain-remover-dual-power-22-oz.jpg )
*a large and very secure hiding place in her room
*and SUPER-AWARENESS OF HYGIENE (very important, see below).
The two easiest ways for your mom to find out is for her to see the evidence in the laundry or in the bathroom. To conceal dirty underwear, your sister should have a specific set of underwear she wears only on her period that she keeps in a separate plastic bag after wearing (that way Mom won't get suspicious if there seem to be fewer than usual panties in the wash). Before stowing away, use the awesome power of Spray and Wash Dual Action on the stains (it foams up upon contact with protein so it's easy to see working). If underwear gets stained, do not wash it in the bathroom sink and hang it up to dry; super obvious. Wash the used underwear after her cycle is over when Mom is away from the house. Put back in hiding place.
Never dispose of pads/tampons in the trash or down the toilet. You can't really hide them, and they do smell. Have her keep all that gunk in another plastic bag that seals closed. She can throw it out in the outside garbage when Mom is not around. Baby wipes are great for general use in the bathroom (especially for the folds of the ladyflower), and will provide a superior clean for a messy time. They also flush.
MOST IMPORTANT!! And this I know from personal experience: your sister has to learn to clean up after herself immaculately after using the bathroom. That means checking the seat, UNDER the seat, the inside toilet rim, around the base and on the floor for blood.
After I've typed all this, I have to note: it is a really crappy situation that your sister has to hide her developing body from your mother. I mean, ABSOLUTELY INTOLERABLE. It is probably worth it in the long run to just tell your mother when she gets her period, deal with whatever crap comes out of her mouth, and then just move on from there. I can't help but think that disposing of her period products in the middle of the night will cause anything more than shame about natural processes. And above commenters are right--even if you do try to hide, there's no way to keep it up forever.
I reccomend you show your sister this thread, let her read it and make a decision about what's best for her to do regarding your Mom from there.
Best of luck, to you and your sis!
I realize there may be a financial strain on your sister about this (I remember how much money $20 was at 13), so you might be required to pay for all her supplies if she dosen't have money of her own.
Hi Clay, I'm definitely glad you are there for your sister, and think there is lots of good advice on here so far. I personally also love my diva cup and the idea of menstrual cups in general, but would probably start your sister on pads for the first few months as she decides what is comfortable for her.
I also want to throw something entirely new into the conversation -- the HPV vaccine. HPV is a sexually transmitted disease that can eventually lead to cervical cancer. There is a vaccine for HPV, but some people (and I imagine your mom could be one of them) think that by vaccinating young girls, you are just encouraging them to have sex. Now, we are talking about a vaccine that can protect against CANCER, and if at all possible, your sister should get it before she becomes sexually active. It's pretty expensive, and your insurance may or may not cover it, so you may need to do some research on how to get it for your sister. Planned Parenthood may be a good place to start. Also, depending on where you live, your sister may already have reached the age where she can make some of her own medical decisions with her doctor (and have the right to ask your mom to leave the exam room).
Just chiming in with everybody else: you're a fabulous big brother. And people have given you some great advice already, but I'd add a few things...
1) First of all, while I think your sister has chosen wisely in going to you and not your mom, I think that trying to hide things from the latter when she actually does get her period would be stressful for your sister, impossible in the long run, and counter-productive for their relationship. There are just too many problems involved (buying products, throwing products away, laundry, etc. etc.). Plus, society teaches girls that their period is something shameful that they need to go out of their way to hide, and you don't want to be inadvertently supporting that message. I agree with Kalista that your mom ought to know (when it happens, no point in dragging stuff out) and that she should also know why your sis has gone to you and not her for information.
2) Keep in mind, as other people have said, that you and your sister should be prepared for anything: a regular period, a period that comes once and then don't show up again for months, a period with lots of bleeding and cramps, a period that doesn't even look like a period (when I saw the brownish stain in my underwear the first time around I thought I'd somehow, well, crapped my pants, since the discharge looked nothing like blood). Young teens are often worried that there's something abnormal about them, so try to get the message across somehow that everybody is different and she needs to get to know her own body.
3) I agree with others that the Mooncup is fantastic, but if your sis has an intact hymen (in any case, she's only 13) I think it's a little too big and complicated. Make sure she knows there are lots of options out there and none of them are wrong, though I would avoid the deodorant stuff--bad message and bad for you. Pads are probably good to have on hand for the first time, then I would recommend slim applicator tampons (I loathe them because of the waste and the ew-don't-touch-your-own-vagina idea, but they're definitely easier for beginners). If she chooses tampons, it would probably be better for your girlfriend to talk to her--alone, however close you are, your sis might feel weird about going into specifics--about using them, although the instructions inside are usually pretty detailed. Someone should tell her NOT to experiment with putting in a tampon when she doesn't have her period, which is a recipe for ouch because of dryness (wish I'd known that).
4) Make sure she knows that sooner or later every woman has some kind of "accident" with blood leaks and that while it can feel pretty embarrassing, it's really no big deal (let alone tampons or pads falling out of your bag, etc.). And that anyone who acts otherwise is just being immature, since it's a fact of life for half the population.
Best of luck and hurray for feminist teenage boys, the world could use more of you.