Strange, how the feelings in your body can totally change your mind.
About last night...... I feel empowered and truly POWERFUL in my body, for the first time in a long time.
And what did it take? Two very gentle, caring men and a camera!
Editor's Note: This content may be considered sexually explicit and may be NSFW, and has been placed behind the jump.
I have always believed that most porn films are about men. Men getting off on women's holes. Much of it is like that. Although, thankfully - this is changing.
Men shouting "slut" and "whore" and using a woman's body like it is their own, damn property.
So when one of these men (I will call them A and B) asked me if he could use my camera to film me having sex with the other man, I was very wary.
A is a guy I have sex with quite often. I trust him, sexually and he always listens to me.
B is his friend. A guy I have got to know over the last few months, as funny, kind and cute.
So I asked them...please do not turn this into a slavering, pushy and nasty film about men "doing" a woman. Please make this about me loving myself and my orgasms. They agreed.
I have to admit...it was very strange, at first. A camera watching me as I groaned and thrashed about. But neither guy started to get weird. They didn't speak too much - out of consideration for me. I spoke much more.
And as the video progressed, I became more and more relaxed...and I began to love showing off my body and sexuality to these guys.
My body responded strongly to their looks of lust and appreciation. I have not come so hard in a very long time.
So how do I feel the morning after? Amazing. I have learned that true sexuality in a woman, can be as selfish and strong as a man's.
I have learned that I love to be watched and appreciated.
I have learned that I can be in charge of sex.....and this is what made me come so hard.
I have also learned that men can be just as excited by my being in charge as I can.
I have learned that men can be just as gentle in lust, as I can.
This has been a massive turning point for me. It was never about pleasing two men. It was a very personal experiment for me.
An experiment on just how powerful my woman's sexuality is. And it was also about boundaries and trust.
This is not a debate about porn. It is a very personal story of my sexual empowerment. I have sex regularly. I masturbate regularly. But I have never been filmed having sex.
And it was strange...but wonderful. Please feel free to share any thoughts you may have as you read this.
I wrote it because I wanted to share how good I feel and also because I am interested in any responses. Thank you for listening.
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I wish I could trust a man the way you trusted these men.
I agree.
LurkerJen: I totally understand what you mean. I have had many frightening, abusive and downright selfish sexual experiences, with men. So I made sure that I could trust these two guys first.
Because of a lot of these horrible experiences, I guess I have been trying to learn to trust men again (but of course - only the men I feel deserve my trust). So this was very much under my control...I insisted on it.
These two guys know me (especially man A). They know me as a powerful woman who takes no crap. They also know that I have done martial arts...so if anything horrible were to happen - I would be quite happy to defend myself.
I have just been used by so many men in my past - and I have spent many years being angry (justifiably) that I came to a turning point.
I guess I wanted to "make friends" with good men again. I wanted to be happy. And I especially wanted to be sexual...on MY terms.
I have always been interested in being filmed like this (though I certainly know it is not for everyone) and I wanted to see what I would look like during sex.
Watching the film back was strange at first!! But having seen it a few times now - I can see just how damn beautiful I look when I am sexually happy and in control.
It has also made me far less crtical of my body. I guess seeing my own body...almost from an observers point of view - has made me appreciate it's beauty.
I did realize when I wrote this that it may be controversial but I am happy I did. But I absolutely take all of your points about trust...because this is EXACTLY why I did what I did. Thank you - and please comment more if you wish. nurgetts72 (the original poster)
Hey Ed - Dr. Foxy's stuff gets put above the jump. Why exile this post to below the jump?
PS: I forgot to say - I certainly am not inferring that no one here has not got the right to not trust men - or be angry. It is just very personal for me that I am trying to regain trust.
And FruminousB: I totally agree. Proff Foxy's posts are far more sexually explicit than my post so thanks for pointing that out!! May e-mail them and find out why. Thanks! The OP
I am glad that this has been such a positive experience for you and that it has helped you feel more empowered in your sexuality.
I personally would not be comfortable with this unless I was the only one with a copy of the tape and I trusted the men completely. It shows a very high level of trust for these two friends and I hope that they realize how much faith you have placed in your friendship.
Mahjani: Thankyou for the kind thoughts...it was very positive for me.
Although it wasn't actually a tape - it is a digital camera/video. But yes...that was another of my provisos...it was done on my camera and I am the only one with a copy of the film.
And yes - they do realize how much faith I have placed in them. But it wasn't so much faith as my insisting on respect!!
As I stated earlier - I am very strong and take no crap so they knew I was totally serious when I gave my instructions on how I wanted to do it. And they respected that.
::applauds::
i believe that sex video taped in a non-profit environment can indeed be healthy and empowering. however, my sentiments here dont extent to the industry, and your statement that porn (you are referring to the industry, i presume) is changing for the better is, for want a better word, ridiculous.
Kudos to cubanoheat for a dead on synopsis of an inane post in an allegedly feminist blog. Thank you especially for a brillant statement on the pornography industry.
That being said, I came here recently and have been disgusted by the sex, sex, and more sex oh and then some more sex themes that appear to be the focus of this blog.
If gender equality is your point, then the battle lines must be drawn and what happens in the bedroom should be discussed with as little pomp and circumstance as possible unless a woman needs some help. If your goal is to have pay equity, guarantee women bodily self integrity, demand justice for women in our judicial system, and perhaps allow women to not only run for the presidency but actually win it talking about the 'power' one gets from orgasming on film (and it is taking all of my willpower not to denigrate this post even more than I have) has no place here.
I am ashamed, as usual, of what women think qualifies as progessive or feminist. What are we really fighting for girls? The right to orgasm, or the right to live? If it is the former, the battle is over and they have already won.