A female cousin of very close to my age recently went behind her parents' backs and signed up for the United States Army. She had been planning on going to college for fashion design, but suddenly one day on facebook she broke the news that she would soon "have a gun strapped to her thigh".
I'm not sure how, as a family member, I should respond to this. Her plastering of bootcamp and job-related military stuff all over facebook begs for attention and reaction. I can't help but feel like she's already been brainwashed into thinking that violence is the answer. She hasn't even started bootcamp yet. Yesterday, she got a gun tattooed on her ankle.
I tried to warn her about the statistics regarding rape and rape prosecution in the military, but she ignored me. I very nicely asked her if there wasn't a better way to express her patriotic pride than through the tattoo of a violent weapon on her body. She continues to laugh it off and even responded:
"i will probably see people die heck i might be the one killing them i will be dropping bombs on people. but when that happens im not going to be looking down at my foot saying 'wow i regret this tattoo' im going to be grateful that I'm still alive."
Should I just let this go? I care about her and respect her decisions, but her attitude suggests that she doesn't value the lives of people she will be "dropping bombs" on. In fact, her reply made me think that she'll just be glad SHE'S alive and not down on the ground getting attacked. Do any of you have suggestions on how to approach this? Maybe I'm just being nosy and intrusive... but I hate to see someone who shares my blood act in such a destructive way. Thanks for the help!
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There are a lot of reason people join the military. Some good, some bad, some a little goodish and badish at the same time. Worshiping guns and violence and taking glee in the possibility of death is definitely in the bad camp, and the unhealthiness of that violence-worship is probably what you should focus on.
What isn't okay is discouraging someone from doing something you find morally objectionable with reasons other than why you are morally against it. If your concern about her joining the military centers around militaristic violence, then quoting rape stats at her isn't quite fair. It is similar to people who have religious issues with birth control discouraging others with statistics about the pill's medical side effects.
I'm sure you really do have concerns about military rape (it is a real, substantial problem), but keep in mind that in some places, colleges have similarly skewed rape statistics. Would you meet that decision with the same objection?
I had a very similar conversation recently with a friend who I have been close with for a long, long time who has been trying to enter the navy for about six months now.
His main reason for wanting to join the navy is that he craves order, discipline, and being taken care of, but he recently expressed to me that one of his reasons is also that he "wants to know what it's like to kill someone." His position is that once someone joins a war as a combatant, they are in a game in which the moral dimension to killing is removed. He said, "If I was in a war and somebody shot me, after going to heaven or whereever you go afterwards, my response to that person would be, 'good shot.'" I replied that the person on the other side of his gun might not feel the same way. I tried to argue that even though killing is justified in a war, it doesn't remove the tragedy involved, so he shouldn't view it so flippantly. But needless to say, neither of us convinced each other.
At the end of the day, there is nothing you can do. You can try to make your thoughts known, but don't expect the other person to understand. You can try to reccommend some reading or viewing material for your cousin. My personal favorite war film is Paths of Glory.
First of all, I agree that quoting statistics about military rape and abuse is unfair. It's along the same lines as telling women to stay home because they might get harassed at work- it's victim-blaming.
However, if your cousin really has had as quick a personality change as you're describing, I can see why you're worried. Maybe you can talk to her about the change- ask why she now is interested in killing and weapons when she wasn't before. She may have gone through something traumatic recently, like an assault or even a rape, and the personality change is her trying to cope with what happened. You obviously can't force her to talk, or to change her mind. But probably the best thing to do is let her know that you're concerned about how she's acting, and that you're available if she would like to talk, or to have someone be there for her in some other way.
And for the record, all of the above is not how I feel about EVERY person who decides to join the military. There are plenty of reasons to join that don't involve being hurt, and I don't think everybody in the military is nursing secret wounds. This is just the impression I get from this particular story.
"However, if your cousin really has had as quick a personality change as you're describing, I can see why you're worried. Maybe you can talk to her about the change- ask why she now is interested in killing and weapons when she wasn't before. She may have gone through something traumatic recently, like an assault or even a rape, and the personality change is her trying to cope with what happened."
That was my first thought too...
What would worry me would be why she was joining so suddenly and without explanation, not the simple fact that she joined the army.
This may sound stupid but I thought that the Americans for some silly reason do not allow women in combat roles. Assuming the army follows its own procedure, how is she going to be able to get close enough to kill anybody?
I realize that sometimes women in the U.S. army end up in combat situations but does anyone know how often this happens?
Being in the army removes the moral implications of death. You should be glad your cousin sees the difference between killing and murder. All death is a tragedy but it is a part of life. She is not responsible for.
But it is the very fact that war transforms what would in other circumstances be mass murder on a genocidal scale into something which is merely justified killing that it is such a deeply morally fraught human activity. War asks more from traditional standards or right or wrong than any other policy, and has a greater potential for destructive power over society, and norms or right or wrong, than any other policy. It is no coincidence that two of the largest genocides in the 20th century, the holocaust and the Armenian genocide, occured in the latter stages of highly intensive wars. Wars cheapen the value of human life and corrode morality to an extent beyond the bounds of civilian life.
Participating in such an action as a grunt who is just following orders (which most, *but not all* soldiers are) does not remove the moral dimension, it merely depersonalizes it and responsibility for it onto your superiors, your government or your leaders. But it is still there.
I think that this is one of those occasions where you just need to let your cousin figure things out on her own.
It sounds as though she's desperately trying to get attention. So, other than saying that you'll support her and that she can come to you if she needs anything, leave her alone.
Being a part of the armed services can be a good thing. I bet she'll find out that it's not what she thought. Also, she might be shunted to non-combat positions where she might become disillusioned or find another calling in her life. One of the most amazing people I've ever had the opportunity to know is in the Navy. She's a psychologist at the VA who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder with a special emphasis on sexual assault.
This might be a good thing. Ignore her when she says things that push your buttons. Support her decision and choice within her life. You might not make the same choice, and it may ultimately be a mistake, but it's hers to make and we should be happy that she CAN make such a choice.
My husband is in the military, and the reasons have nothing to do with killing anyone. In fact, most people in the military don't see combat, and well over 50% of the available jobs are administrative in nature (um, desk jobs!). It's just a job for most; one that provides funding for housing, schooling, and sets you up with retirement/healthcare when you're older. These are the reasons my husband joined, plus he has a strictly ordered personality that draws him to police/military work. It just appeals to him. Certainly not to me, because I am an undisciplined layabout. ;)
I just shook my head when I read your cousin's response. I'm sorry to sound rude, but she sounds quite immature and uninformed. She hasn't been to boot camp yet, and I'm afraid she's in for a rude awakening. Basic training doesn't cater well to bloodthirsty mavericks or bigshots of either gender.
As far as her cavalier attitude toward death and killing...well, let's just say that no soldier is so naive to think she'll never encounter violence, even if it's just through stories from comrades. But true soldiers, the good ones, know that they can never make dismissive statements like that without ever having experienced such trauma. And it IS trauma, except to maybe the truly sociopathic among us. There wouldn't be so much PTSD in existence if war killing was no big deal.
Regardless, I wish her luck, and that her training will be a sobering experience.
Your quoting of rape stats and concern about the tattoo make me think that if your cousin was male you wouldn't be writing a post about it.
This particular point worries me too. I would be concerned as well if this is a sudden change, but ultimately it is her choice.
I would DEFINITELY be writing a post about this if it was a male cousin of mine, most importantly because I'd be worried he felt he had to resort to the military, violence, and a gun tattoo to conform to some arbitrary standard of masculinity. With the situation as it is, however, I'm concerned more about her seeming lack of understanding about joining the military. I quoted rape statistics to her as one corner of an argument to try to make her think a little more. I understand that it might be iffy to some, but instead of seeing it as a sexist way of discouraging her, I think of it as just one point out of dozens that she clearly hasn't thought through.
Thanks for all the input. I think I need to focus on letting her know that I'm here for her, even if I disagree with some of her decisions.
I hope you don't mind my jumping in here. I am currently in Iraq, with two deployments under my belt, and eight years of military service, perhaps I can shed some light from both a military and liberal perspective on the situation.
I'd worry less about the fact that she joined the military and more about her attitude and lack of being introspective.
The military consists of different types of people, with various backgrounds and beliefs, and while the majority are conservative God-and-country people who have no regard for (or an understanding of) the greater implications of war, there are also those who are quite liberal in their viewpoints. At the end of the day, the military is a job - one that may sometimes require people to engage deadly force to accomplish the mission. Most of the time, this is not true, nor does anyone really see "combat."
In short - it's not the military that makes a person think a certain way, but rather, certain types of people are attracted to the military. Being a member of it only either fuels one's viewpoint as it does your cousin, or it allows one to see, first hand, the perspectives of people who are politically opposite and serves as a great learning lesson (as in my case.)
I wouldn't worry too much about it, in terms of her career. As she progresses in the military, she'll either become disappointed with its image and culture and challenge conventional wisdoms, or she'll fall right in the rank and file of what conservative mindset. Either way, this is a reflection upon her upbringing and lived experience, and has little to do with the military.
Besides, and this is just my overall analysis, she'll hardly see any true combat, or getting the chance to drop any bomb on anyone. That's not her job.
As for military rape statstics, while I do not discount the fact that these statstics are true, and it's a big problem in the military, also understand that the military is doing what it can (and most times, it's clueless). Rape in the military, like it or not, is merely a greater reflection of society. The one-in-four stat is one that is true in the civilian world, too. So to say that she shouldn't join because of the threats of rape is sort of limiting her to the private spheres.
The answer, I believe, is to push for legislation in getting the military to engage in better education programs regarding rape, as well as prosecutions. But that's also something we need across the board, whether on college campuses or on a military base somewhere.
Overall, it sounds from your post what your cousin needs is education and a greater understanding of the world in general (something the majority of the troops lack), and not her cousin's worries or convicing her joining is a bad idea.
Marc