I had a glimpse in to I guess what one could call the mainstream culture of babies and motherhood this weekend. I was invited to my first baby shower and, despite hearing about all the inane games that can be played at baby showers, I was excited to go and celebrate the growing family of a woman I’ve gotten to know over the past few years. I was one of the youngest guests (I’m 22), and most guests were married with children. While I was thankful that the shower was free from the chocolate diaper game, I was disturbed at how gender stereotypes permeated the conversation and at how unsettled guests seemed to be at not knowing the baby’s gender. Each gift was assigned a gender, and at the end of the gift opening one guest, who had tallied the number of boy gifts and the number of girl gifts, announced that, according to the gifts given, the baby would be a boy. Over the course of an hour or two, I heard the following:
Girls like pink, sheep are for boys, the plastic cell phone is so girl, girls don’t like lizards, I would never dress my little girl in a lizard onesie, girls cant wear blue, that [travel baby toiletries set] is so boy, boys are more on-the-go, boys are more adventurous, teddy bears are for boys, a girl couldn’t wear that sailor outfit, boys don’t like pink, why would you dress a boy in pink?, how could pink be boy? we need another boy in the neighborhood.
I found it interesting that the gender stereotypes seemed to come most from the women who did not have any children. I don’t really know what to make of that (maybe that children challenge mothers to see past gender stereotypes?) but it also may have been coincidence.
Anyway, this whole experience reaffirmed what I already knew about myself: that I am definitely not ready for motherhood and I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for the type of motherhood that is praised in mainstream culture. But, this experience also underscored the importance of getting advice from and asking questions about motherhood to feminists. How do you challenge or avoid the mainstream culture of babies and motherhood? How have you carved out a space that allows you to raise your children with the values you hold? How have your alternative choices surrounding children and motherhood impacted your relationships with other parents? What elements of mainstream motherhood/ baby culture have you decided to go along with and how did you decide? How do you operate within the mainstream culture of children and motherhood?
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I think that if I ever have a baby shower, I'll make sure not to tell most of the guests the sex of the baby, and then I'll use the blue lizard stuff and the pink kitten stuff side by side.
Thanks for the great story!
I'm personally not a mother, but when I do have a kid, that is one way that I don't want my baby shower to be like. I'm not going to state the gender of the baby and encourage gifts for babies, not "certain gifts for girl babies and "different gifts for boy babies"
The chocolate diaper game is bad enough, but I've been to a few showers where they kick it up a notch by using Grey Poupon instead of chocolate. Nothing like realism...
Thanks for reminding me that I need to get a pink shirt to wear around my niece. She's four, and has lately been proclaiming that only girls can like pink.
"The chocolate diaper game "
WTF?
What is 'the chocolate diaper game'?
It is a very gross game where different types of chocolete bars are melted into dipers and guest have to ID each type of bar by examining the 'poo-poo'.
Are you sorry you asked now? ;-)
Joan
The showers I've been to have played it as a sort of raffle, where every guest gets a diaper, but only one is "loaded" and that person wins a prize.
Sorry you had kind of a bad experience. The last shower I went to was actually a good time. It was for my friend, and I did the cake because I enjoy baking. I think the key is making it mixed-gender, all ages and fun for everyone. The dads/partners/husbands there were included and I think that's really important. The children were there and I think that was really important as well. The focus was on my friend and her baby and I think that was nice. My friend wasn't being treated like an incubator- it was her special day. I guess it's really who is there that makes or breaks a party.
It's not so difficult to avoid this claptrap. I dressed my baby girl in black, purple, lizards, trucks, whatever.
But wait until they get to the "princess" stage, and Disney stereotypes lie in wait for the kid herself. That was way more of a challenge for me. I let my girl "express herself" through the tutus and gritted my teeth until the phase was over.
There are websites and publications for cool, feminist mothers, such as Hipmama, East Village Inky, and many more that slip my mind at the moment.
If it makes you feel better, my two-year-old boy is going through a princess phase right now, led on by the girl next door. He wears her Disney dresses and begs for pink shoes just like hers.
I try to encourage it. But there's a fine line between not genderizing you kid too much and setting him up to get beaten up on the playground.
sometimes i feel like a very lazy feminist who neglects to make much of a fuss when stupid things arise, but when my co-worker came up with the (very cute) suggestion that all the peeps(even the boys) at work make a baby quilt for another expectant co-worker, but then added that it could be flower themed for a girl and truck themed for a boy, my immediate reaction was from the gut and i said "or maybe godesses that rule the universe for a girl!" and she realized that a weird gender-specific theme was sort of inappropriate considering the mom's, mine and even her own dang thoughts about that! why babies bring out the inner conformist in so many people i have not fully explored, but i figure with 3 pregnant bffs i will get a lot more opportunities for it.
A very interesting question. I think the reason babies bring out the inner conformist in people is that conformity is generally the safest path - its something you can hide behind if things go wrong, whereas when you do your own thing, even when you are 100% sure its the right thing, you only have yourself to blame if things get messed up. And you better believe the judgment heaped upon you by others will be hefty.
I've been noticing this a lot in myself and other women now that I am a mother. Even though I disagree with a lot of things associated with "the institution of American childhood" (for lack of a better term, and I won't go into specifics on any controversial topics and start a debate), its just so easy to follow what everyone else is doing, because the consequences of not obeying and then being branded a bad mother for a poor outcome is just so heartbreaking. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself on the line like that.
This reminds me of my friend's "baby sprinkle" (Just in case you haven't heard, a sprinkle is for the second child.) The idea is that the second time around you don't need as much stuff. However, since the second child was to be a girl, and the first was a boy, everybody had to be sure to get her lots of pink dresses. The theme of the shower and her bedroom is fairy princess. All the pink princess stuff really was making me sick. As Turtlegirl stated, the child will go through the Princess phase on her own, no need to force the shit on her prematurely.
I used to work at a toy store, and got a first-hand glimpse of how many adults have fixed ideas about what little boys and little girls want. There were moms who wouldn't allow their boys to use the toy grocery cart for fear of their father seeing. Also parents who could not understand why their little girl didn't like baby dolls. I often had to calm them down by telling them that I didn't like baby dolls either, and here I was in a sweater set and pearls, just about as "feminine" as you can get. However, there were also great parents who embraced their sons' love of dolls and daughters' love of trucks. For the non-believers, I would also point out the great children's book, William's Doll (also a song on Free to Be You and Me). If you don't know it, it's about a boy who wants a doll, and whose father won't allow it. Finally his grandmother gets him one. While the reasoning of the grandmother does upset some people (this proves he will be a great father!), it's still a nice, well-written and illustrated story.
I am a mother (and currently pregnant) and in both pregnancies have not found out the sex of the baby. For me, birth is quite early enough for the gender roles to be piled on, thank you very much, and so I don't feel the need to subject my child to them any earlier than necessary.
I have also gotten comments like "how do you kow what to buy" or "well, I can't give you a gift since I don't know the sex of the baby".
I just make it a point to kindly speak to people about why this attitude is destructive and just plain silly. I mean, its a baby -- other than slight differences when you're changing its diaper, its gender really does not matter for any reason I can think of.
But it (and the custom of yelling out "its a [boy][girl]!" the second the kid is born) just goes to show how badly some people/our society in general needs gender in order to even begin to understand a person's identity. When you think about this, it becomes really clear why gender roles are so stringently enforced. Sad and something I try to resist in my own little ways.
Another funny thing I think about is the fact that English, unlike my husband's language (Finnish) has no personal pronoun outside of gender, so when we talk about our unborn babies we have to use "it". I'm fine with that, but I know it makes some people uncomfortable to refer to a fetus as "it". A gender-neutral personal pronoun would be great, though.
They can be used as a gender neutral personal pronoun. People tend to think of it exclusively as plural but it can also be used as singular, gender neutral.
I try to avoid baby showers for all but my closest friends, cause I can't take most of the b.s. (wedding showers are worse).
My standard baby shower gifts are childrens books - Where the Wild things are, The Giving Tree, and the recently re-issued Free to Be You and Me... just let them try to gender classify those books!
The weirdest thing I find about parents that don't know the gender -- all they get are things in green and yellow, which apparently are the excepted gender neutral colors. I don't get it.
What I do get is that it drives me nuts to sit around otherwise professional, intelligent and educated women who have had the free time to throw a party that includes things like a layered cake centerpiece made of diapers adn to arrange those stupid party games. Seriously?
Sadly, it's too easy to pigeonhole even those classics. Where The Wild Things Are and The Giving Tree have male protagonists, so of course they just have to be boy gifts. Free To Be You And Me is pointedly gender-neutral... that means it's for girls.
(Gender neutral books that are only incidentally so are for boys. Default sex, doncha know.)
The Story of Ferdinand is also a great book for kids and parents.
A bull who would rather sit quietly and smell the flowers than thrash around and butt heads with other bulls. Challenges gender roles and promotes pacifism! Sweet.
I found that book at Goodwill and I love it! Maybe it's because I am pro-animal rights as well but it was a neat find.
I had that book when I was little! It was awesome.
LOVE this book, it always made me feel better about being so shy when I was a kid. I can't wait to read it to my niece :)
yeah, it's my go-to gift for kids. it's such a timeless story!
This is one of the things that bug me about baby showers too. Baby showers and "wedding showers" have got to be one of the most unnecessary made-up occasions ever. You know what newborns don't need? Teddy bears. But every baby shower I've been too, there's always a pile of teddy bears to just, you know, be.
In a culture as materialistic as ours, it's no wonder that we start our kids off in life, even before they're born, with a mini stuff-celebration. Besides diapers, blankets, a few jumpsuits and good old breastmilk, newborns need surprisingly little. Yet I'm always expected to fork out for a friend with a baby on the way. I'm in no financial position to have a baby right now so (along with other reasons) I don't. Yet women who I know who can obviously afford to raise a child organize showers for themselves and expect people like me to buy them presents! I used to wonder about buying pink things or blue, but now I donate a bag of diapers and wish them well...
Draw it mild. Teddy bears are awesome. For real.
I disagree to a point - parents of babies need a lot of stuff, and usually the birth of a child is going to coincide with a large drop in income for even a two-parent home, as mom is going to need time off (even six weeks is not enough) and is not likely get get much pay for that time off (again, six weeks is not enough). If mom is going back to work, or if she ever wants to spend a few hours away from a newborn, she needs a breast pump. Babies need a car seat (if parents drive) and a stroller (a really good one if they don't drive). They need diapers and spit up blankets and soft clothes. It can be terribly expensive, even for parents who wait and plan and save for a kid.
What they don't need is a bunch of crap with princess crowns and trucks on it. I swear, in the last ten years, baby and toddler clothing has become more gender-segregated! So, if that means green and yellow as the "gender neutral" choices, my kid will wear green and yellow. Or hand-me-down t-shirts with trucks from her cousins. No princess crowns, even for a boy - kids have big enough egos as it is.
At a recent baby shower (very casual, just a few friends) we were all asked to bring some of our own baby pictures, and we ended up talking about the differences in childrearing etc. from when we were little. The clothing was one of the biggest things to jump out at me. The people there were all women born in the late 1970s to mid-1980s, and the pictures showcased all sorts of clothes: overalls in all colours, pyjamas printed with ducks or teddy bears or people doing karate, blue and white striped sailor shirts, baseball-style t-shirts, brown or green or red checked button-up shirts, denim rompers, and unruffled cotton print dresses actually made to play in. Nearly every shirt and pants were something that even the staunchest gender segregationist wouldn't object to putting on a boy today.
Compare that to the shopping trip I took to find something for said baby shower. Strong browns and blues and greens on the left, emblazoned with trucks and dinosaurs, sitting under a sign that said Boys. Pinks and purples on the right, trimmed with ruffles or sequins or emblazoned with "Princess" or "Daddy's Girl" under a sign that said Girls.
I really think that it would make more sense to donate money to a baby fund. That way the parents can spend the money where they really need it.
I have a thought as to why most of the gendered bits of "wisdom" were coming from the childless women: these women, lacking motherhood experience of their own, felt the need to be included in the maternal celebration somehow. They can't share stories about their own pregnancies or their own children, so they fall back on safe, culturally accepted advice. They don't know much about going through labor, but they know plenty about gender roles.
I say this because I can imagine feeling a bit awkward at a baby shower, and I can imagine falling back on what expertise I do have in order to be a part of the discussion.
I agree. Thats what I think they are doing as well. Its sad they have to feel as though they are compensating for something though.
"I have a thought as to why most of the gendered bits of 'wisdom' were coming from the childless women: these women, lacking motherhood experience of their own, felt the need to be included in the maternal celebration somehow. They can't share stories about their own pregnancies or their own children, so they fall back on safe, culturally accepted advice. They don't know much about going through labor, but they know plenty about gender roles."
Now I wonder what these women's mothers told them. Me, I've never been pregnant and never adopted and never fostered, but if I was in one of these conversations I can fall back on what my parents told me about their experiences having baby me. Of course, that's a privilege too - some people can't ask their birth mothers the way I can ask mine.
YUCK!!!
memo to self: Book me permanently busy for any baby showers in the future.
I'm happy you survived!
I agree with Luckwouldhaveit and Sabriel. If you really want to give the parents something they need, give 'em money or a gift card to Target (=diapers & baby wipes). We got a ton of used clothes from friends and we did not ask for clothes on our registry (beyond a couple newborn onsies) but people want to by (gender appropriate) baby clothes. So, we got a ton of stuff we didn't end up using - when we really could have used the money.
We knew we were having a boy (I had an amnio) and I was really distraught at first because I'd always imagined having a daughter (once I got used to it I was fine, happy - elated, my son is awesome). When I talked to people about my feelings many said "Boys are easier than girls" and "Girls are bitchy/snotty". That was my disturbing encounter with gender stereotyping - overt negativity towards girls. I didn't freak out about the sports themed crib bumper or the onsies iwth power tools on them (I do draw the line at military themed clothing (camaflouge overalls and stuff like that)). I'm more worried about attitudes than the designs on his clothes.
I went to visit my old middle school Friday (two of my favourite teachers teach there - one I had for 7th and 8th grade, the other was 11th grade but moved back to middle school) and started showing a picture of me and my boyfriend. The two teachers I mentioned before were there, along with some other teachers I had (it was lunchtime) and I was taken aback at their comments. They started out fairly innocuous and cutesy, like "Is it love?" "Is he a good person?" They asked me if he was Christian (he's not) and practically the next thing out of their mouth was "The children will be raised in the church?" - I was really taken aback here, because I'm NINETEEN and just done with my first year of college, and we've only been together for eight MONTHS. (Not trying to dismiss the awesome young mothers and fathers out there, but I am definitely not ready to be a parent). Another gem I was offered was: "Keep your legs together, Elizabeth!" >.>
But this led to a convo about babies, and all the women at this table repeated things along the line line of "Girls are bitchy/snotty". I really couldn't believe it, I mean, a lot of the little kids I run across are spoiled and bratty regardless of gender. Does it never cross anyone's mind that we teach girls to be "bitchy" because thats how we think women naturally are? Guh.
Yeah, today I heard, from a coworker, after mentioning that if I ever did raise a child, I would prefer a girl, "Oh, no, little girls are so mouthy."
I was like ... wtf? I was the quietest kid ever, and sat and read and typed on my typewriter.
The best baby shower gift we got was an "essentials" pack that included infant tylenol, baby shampoo, etc. We had completely forgotten to have any baby tylenol on hand until a 2 am fever had us in a panic, till my wife remembered that gift basket.
I have a question, while I totally agree with the OP and when I have my own baby I'm going to try my darnedest avoid the gender stereotypes when it comes to dress and toys as much as possible, what am I supposed to do when giving gifts to my friends who are not so inclined?
Here's my problem: my best friend recently got married and though she's not pregnant yet she's made it clear she wants a baby very soon. But she is very opposite me in this way in that she wants her girls to be very girly (I don't think she cares so much about the boys being manly or whatever though) but if she has a girl she wants to dress her only in pink and all that stuff that makes me want to vomit.
She knows I don't like that stuff but it would also hurt her feelings if I, her best friend, gave her something that I know she didn't actually want for her child but was more in keeping with how *I* think it should be raised. And that's not for me to say seeing as how I'm not the parent.
So what am I supposed to do in the future? Just give her what I think the kid should wear or play with? Or what I know my friend wants?
You could avoid the problem completely by giving her something practical (baby shampoo, baby lotion, diapers, baby wipes, bottle washing brushes, diaper cream, breast pads, etc.) or a gift card.
Being that I'm the best friend though, you can't really get away with giving a gift card or lotion. Those are the gifts you give someone that you don't really know. Like what you buy for your distant cousin who you can't quite remember exactly how you're related but you just know you are.
Also, I'll probably be throwing the baby shower when the time comes so that'll be a whole other set of problems.
No, you can. By the time the baby is a month old, she'll be way more grateful for the practical stuff than the girly stuff. If you want to make it something more special than diapers and baby tylenol, offer a portion (whatever you can afford) of some big piece for the nursery like a special crib or changing table that they might not be able to afford as nice of one as they want. A sling or a swing can be a real life-saver for a mom, and will get way more use than a pink dress. Slings can be basic black, and Fisher Price has gender neutral swings and bouncy chairs. We used the rainforest themed swing, and I don't think anyone could complain that it wasn't appropriate for a girl.
No, those are some very good ideas. Thank you. I was talking about the littler gender neutral practical things the other poster mentioned like lotion and diapers. To be frank, that's just not enough when you're someone's best friend and the person throwing the shower. She'll be the first person I'm close to that has a baby so I really don't know much about big baby shower gifts like the ones you mentioned. I knew about the little stuff though like the other poster had mentioned and that's what I had always thought I'd have to resort to and it made me frustrated and sad. But this makes me feel better. Thanks for your advice :)
I did both - diapers, etc., at the shower and a hand-knit blanket delivered privately later on.
What I wanted most from my best friend was emotional support. It all depends on your particular relationship, of course, but it was not my closest friends who gave me the material gifts- those were from people who didn't know me as well. The closest friends planned the shower, attended the birth, came over in the first weeks of my son's life and held him so I could shower, and are still giving me free babysitting for dates. Three years after his birth, I couldn't tell you off the top of my head who gave me which onesie. But I can damn sure tell you who was there for me.
That's a tough question. I would say that as long as you're not spending too much money, get gifts you really want to give. Ultimately it's up to the parents if they will use it or not. Once the child gets older and can voice his or her own opinions, it won't really be about either of you anymore anyway.
If you're into crafty gifts, you could always make her something -- like a mobile, pink if necessary. Or baby-friendly eating utensils. (It doesn't really matter if the kid can't use it till she's one or two.)
If making stuff isn't your thing, you could go with something that's more of a present for your friend (and, if applicable, her partner) than for her baby -- a rocking chair that can accomodate a parent and child, for instance -- thereby avoiding entirely her desire to gender the hell out of the kid.
Baby Showers are one of the reasons I learned to knit and crochet- no one is going to complain about a green or yellow baby jacket or booties if its homemade.
I honestly think parenting is the most feminist thing I've ever done, and this comes after years of marching, protesting, writing letters, organizing, etc. As to your questions...
How do you challenge or avoid the mainstream culture of babies and motherhood?
When they're really little you can yellow and green and purple your way through. We chose a gender neutral name for my daughter (and would have used it for a boy too), didn't disclose the sex of the baby because I knew that even if I asked for no pink princess crap lots of people would give it to us anyway and their feelings would be hurt when I exchanged the items. The biggest thing you have to worry about is that people freak out if they accidentally get your baby's gender wrong. So you just have to smile and say "really, it's no big deal. We're not that big on the gender-policing." People give you weird looks, but they get over their hysteria on guessing the gender of a baby wearing green and brown incorrectly. Also, having a very involved and hands-on dad challenges the mainstream. And I would read or work on my laptop while nursing, which many people found strange, but I gently explained that in addition to being a mom I was still a person with my own interests and projects. When they get older you let them make their own choices, but talk with them about the ideas that are pushed on them by our culture. And giving them ways to respond to a classmates' teasing that they're wearing a boy shirt or that girls can't be the pirate captain...is also important.
How have you carved out a space that allows you to raise your children with the values you hold?
We avoid a lot of TV, or at least the commercials, for the kids, and talk with them about everything. Often these conversations come from something in a movie or TV show, or something that was said at preschool, or a conversation they overheard, etc. My stepdaughter is 5 so I talk with her a lot about princesses and how the movies and stories about them teach you things that aren't true, and how many people think girls have to like pink and princesses but they just made a mistake about that, etc. And occasionally you have to kindly explain to the teacher or other parent or dental hygienist that we just don't believe that girls have to like princesses or pink, so please don't tell them that... And you try to make friends with other parents who feel the same way.
How have your alternative choices surrounding children and motherhood impacted your relationships with other parents?
Living in a fairly small town in the middle of a red, red state, there are often times when we get the weird looks and eye-rolling. One mother from daycare saw me at the grocery store buying milk and said "oh, organic. How cute." So I looked at the items in her cart and replied "oh, pesticides, herbicides, and hormones. How cute." So I'll never be friends with her, but whatever. Some parents are openly disapproving when you bring your girl to preschool wearing "boys" clothes, but I'm pretty good at just ignoring them. It does seem strange to me, though, how invested people here are in other people's lives. I'm used to the anonymity of the city, so that's a big adjustment.
What elements of mainstream motherhood/ baby culture have you decided to go along with and how did you decide? How do you operate within the mainstream culture of children and motherhood?
I guess for me it's not as consious or clear-cut as that. We think deeply and critically about every aspect of parenting and we make thoughtful choices, but I'm not used to measuring it in terms of how mainstream it is. And I honestly think it gets easier as you go, because people give up their expectations that you'll conform after awhile. And if your kids are cute and smart and articulate and well-behaved it sort of silences the critics. I think it's obvious to people that we're really engaged with the kids, but this takes a different form than your average soccer mom. We talk openly with them (in an age-appropriate way) about anything they ask about or anything that comes up, and I think a lot of people are sort of shocked by that at first. But I simply refuse to lie to them, even in little ways that are meant to protect them. I want them to trust me and believe me. So I think after awhile your style comes to seem "normal" to people.
"...So I looked at the items in her cart and replied 'oh, pesticides, herbicides, and hormones. How cute.'..."
Also, if you want to mess with the jerk's mind even more next time someone hassles you for buying "organic," you could look in the items in his or her cart and reply "oh, stuff based on hydrocarbon compound molecules. How organic..." ;)
I ran into this podcast the other week -- I think it's relevant. The podcast name is 'Stuff mom never told you" and the title of the piece is "What's the deal with pink and blue?"
I think it's sad that children are boxed in at such a young age, in fact at age zero. They can't understand their own likes and dislikes and they are stereotyped even before they are born to fit into their 'genders'. It limiting the potential of creativity and uniqueness in young people :(
Hey, just because some other people are ignorant doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you're not ready. Ignorance is not a requirement for motherhood, and you can be the (intelligent and feminist) mother that you want to be. Heck, you don't even need to have this weird ritual to be a mother if you don't want to (and are suspicious of your friends acting like this).
There might of course be a million other reasons.
In Denmark we don't have the baby shower thing, so I have absolutely no idea what the chocolate diaper game is all about, and I don't think I want to know either! Sounds weird - but fascinating. We usually give presents after the baby's born, and Zeezeezee, a bag of diapers is a fantastic idea, because that is the one thing you can never get enough of.
The one thing I told people NOT to give my baby, when I had him 2 years ago, was clothes, especially blue clothes. And guess what I got ... Yes, all clothes, all blue.
I then provoked a lot of people by getting a bright red baby carriage. I had to explain myself over and over untill my dad came up with the perfect reply. When a man goes out and buy a sports car, what color does he always choose? RED, so there, baby's first sports car - that made people go "ahh".
And I have insisted on not putting my son in these color boxes. When he was a baby he would wear dark blue bodies with baby pink sweatpants (cutest thing ever). And he wore (and still wears) a lot of different colors like red, brown, green, yellow, orange, black, grey and a little bit of blue. I wanted him to somehow form his own opinion about colors, and not dictate what color he should prefer. The same with his toys. I have tried to give him a wide variety of toys, and not just cars, again to give him choice. And now, 2 years of age, his favorite toys are actually all vehicles - and his plastic vacuum cleaner!
But it is a bit difficult trying to keep this up. I wanted to buy decorations for his 2nd birthday party, and it was either the princess theme or the pirate theme. Everywhere I went it was so gender specific, which I think is quite discriminating. So fortunately for me it was close to easter, and he loves animals, so I ended up buying a lot of small yellow plastic chickens, easter napkins and I found the cutest farm candles to put on his cake.
The color your child wears shouldn't be what defines who he or she is.
Rachel in WY: I'm an (as we say it in Danish) eco-mum too. Cannot tell you how many comments I've gotten over his organic diapers. That was a big deal for some. And the organic wipes. And formula. A lot of my family (mom and big sisters) some times seem offended by how I choose to do things. My sister Charlotte always says that these days kids are 'prestige projects' - which is bs. I just want him happy and healthy :o)
This is pretty regional. Here in the liberal northwest, everyone I know makes baby food and buys organic stuff. With family in the midwest, they did seem almost offended that I was making food, not just buying the jars. They kept asking if I realized that you could buy it.
For real. It take maybe 20 minutes to produce 2 weeks worth of steamed baby zuchinni/carrots/sweet potatoes/whatever and pop it in the freezer, but everyone was so puzzled about why I bothered to steam and blend my own baby food. As if eating the same three things over and over again out of a jar is a great option.
Interesting. It sure sounds cheaper to make your own. I think my parents did both.
My Mom did the same... SOOOOO much cheaper!
We waited until after our baby girl was born to have the baby shower, and as soon as it happened I wished we hadn't. EVERYTHING we got was pink, from baby blankets to clothes to stuffed animals. The best gifts we got were a very nice diaper pail and a baby moniter, so I absolutely say get something practical for baby showers!
Interestingly, considering how pink is the "girl color" in our culture I've really noticed that often when she's dressed from head to toe in pink people (usually older people) will ask how old "he" is or what "his" name is, but when she's dressed gender-neutrally they almost always get her gender right. This confuses me to no end.
This said, I realize pink used to be the "boy color," but surely people must be aware it isn't anymore!
I'd like to add that it's more socially acceptable to dress a girl "like a boy", blue with dinosaurs and Bob the Builder, than it is to dress a boy "like a girl", pink with Cinderella and kittens. That's not even to mention the horrified looks one would get if she put her son in a dress. I mean, a skirt would probably make changing diapers easier (I'm not a mom, so I may be wrong).
Tomboys are allowed, but feminine boys are not, and it seems to me that mistaking a girl for a boy is not as insulting as mistaking a boy for a girl.
I went to my first baby shower about 5 years ago, not knowing what to expect. All I knew was that it was in an upscale suburb and the mom-to-be was a make-your-own-potpourri type (not that there's anything wrong with that, but it intimidates me). I thought that another friend of mine was joking when I told her about the shower and she said, "Do you want my cell phone number in case you need moral support?"
I should have taken her up on the offer. It was an awful experience. I'm not sure whether it's because it was out of my social class, or because I'm not into the whole mainstream-mother thing, or because it was just essentially awful.
My policy now is that I simply don't attend them. I'm happy to get gifts for people (onesies are gender neutral, and I've been told you can never have enough of them) and I'm happy for people who are having kids. But no baby showers. Ever.
If I have a baby--and I'm 37, so that's getting to be a big "if"--I will not hold anything resembling a baby shower. And anyone who knows me well enough to throw one for me knows my aversion to those things and will not torture me in that manner.
Go if you like and grit your teeth. Just make sure you have a like-minded friend's cell phone number so you can vent afterwards.
I might suggest attending more than one baby shower before deciding that all women who attend them are lobotomized Stepford wives.
I'd love to see more posts on Feministing about parenting, but far fewer from non-parents complaining about how mothers/parents are such idiots and so uncool. Don't like parents? Don't like babies? Don't attend baby showers.
Or here is an idea - when people start spouting the gendered nonsense they've learned (like you did in agreeing with the larger culture that all mothers are stupid and sentimental) instead you might try:
Did you know that around the 1900s pink was considered masculine and blue feminine? Remember in Little House in the Prairie how Mary always wore blue? That is a really good example of how our ideas about what colors are for boys and girls change over time and in different cultures.
I'd really like to do both, actually... support a friend and her momentous decision to have a baby AND object to this commercialized culture which insists that a woman can't properly become a mother without the appropriate number of cake squares.
Thank you for this post. I couldn't adequately put into words why some of the comments irked me. I am not childless by choice but by circumstance. I think if I were to have a child I'd like to revel in the joy and experience without judgment from others.
This is a great thread. I just found out I'm pregnant a few weeks ago, so I find all this very relevant. My husband and I are not finding out the sex of the baby and I'm doubly glad now...I love the colors pink and blue, but I'll be glad to not be inundated with them in the coming months.
Congratulations! I'm 4 months along, but I'm really ansty to find out the sex of the baby, and though no matter what the gender turns out to be we want to try and limit gender specific baby items (that's why baby registries are awesome), though I know some well meaning friend or relative will probably buy something like that for us anyway.
My Mother believes that it is bad luck to give baby gifts before the baby is born - which I've always thought a little odd as new parents need lots of stuff and man it's expensive.
I threw the shower for a friend of mine who knew she was having a girl and wanted a single gender party. We agreed that we didn't like the whole game thing and didn't have any. I did invent something though that I'm still quite pleased with. Included with the invitation was a note that baby M was going to become a woman in a new millennium and it would be nice to think about the woman she would become and support that. I told them all I was making a "Woman's Box" for the baby (I covered it in purple silk - not pink!!)and asked that they bring something that they thought would help baby M in her transition to womanhood, that Mom would hold on to it and give it to her when she thought appropriate. We got such great things, books, poems, pictures a lovely letter that talked about what two of the guests did that day and had stories about Baby M's Mother. It will be interesting to hear about her impressions of it over a decade from now as she is already 9!!! Good thing too that I eschewed the pink - M's favorite color is black and don't even try to get her to wear a dress. Love her.
Oh and what did I put in the box? A copy of Elizabeth Cady Stanton's "Solitude of Self" and Mary Schmich's "Wear Sunscreen"
My favorite baby-shower tactic is, when the inevitable hideous labor horror story bonding ritual comes up, to remind that as a single child-free woman I've got nothing... but if we want to talk conception, now that's a conversation to which I can contribute. It either shuts up the obnoxious or instantly makes the shower more interesting.
One of my oldest friends is due in July and had her baby shower about a month ago. I was dreading it, but it turned out to be kinda fun because she separated out all of her younger (mostly single) girlfriends, and we pretty much gave practical gifts like diapers, shampoo and lotion. (She had another shower with her parents' friends, which she assured me I wouldn't have to attend. That's where the chocolate diaper came up, natch.)
The one thing that bugged me about my buddy's shower was that it was all women. Her husband and the husband of the woman hosting the shower pointedly left at the beginning to go watch baseball and throw back a few beers. I SO would've rather been at that party! And the funny thing is, so would my pregnant friend (minus the beer, of course). I really don't get why we gender-segregate baby showers. After all, both parents are going to be using the gifts, right? It's worrisome to see an otherwise progressive couple fall back on this tired stereotype that diapers and onesies are the province of heteronormative women only.
I used to work at a toy company taking orders. People would call in and order things for specific genders; one woman wouldn't let her boy be Wolverine for Halloween because a "Wolverine is a female wolf." Right.
Another lady ordered a play tunnel for the backyard and demanded it not be pink. Her husband would FLIP OUT if her sons got a pink play tunnel.
There were a few people ordering toy vacuums or kitchen sets for their sons, but not enough.
I can't believe the comments on this thread (SaraLaffs I'm talking to you). Can you imagine the OP or any of the comments if you substituted in another group?
"I went to one gathering of X people and when they started talking about something I hadn't experienced I had to turn the conversation back to me and my experience because I was feeling left out."
or
"I met a group of X and they thought about gender is stereotypical terms - how terrible they are! How weird! I never want to be alone with them or go to a gathering of them again."
Please keep your matrophobia to yourself. It is a form of sexism.
Guess what SaraLaffs - most women who have abortions either have children or go on to have them so we might not be as shocked at your conception story as you might think.
I'm sorry, I really don't understand what you're talking about. I'm certainly not "matrophobic" - on the contrary, I can't wait to become a mother. And what the hell does abortion have to do with this??? I'm really sorry if I wrote something that offended you - it absolutely wasn't my intention. In my comment I just wanted to get across how otherwise secure, self-actualized women (like my friend) somehow turn into conforming consumers of the baby-industrial complex within the context of a shower, even when they reverse course once the shower's over. Again, I apologize if you felt my comment was attacking mothers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
"And what the hell does abortion have to do with this???"
Maybe when she read "My favorite baby-shower tactic is, when the inevitable hideous labor horror story bonding ritual comes up, to remind that as a single child-free woman I've got nothing... but if we want to talk conception, now that's a conversation to which I can contribute." she got the impression that you have conceived and your pregnancy ended in an induced abortion or spontaneous abortion (a.k.a. miscarriage) instead of a vaginal birth or Cesaerean section?
Nope, I was just referring to plain old sex. Sorry that wasn't clear.
It was clear to me!
Gopher: your negative comments about mothers are not welcome.
"Its sad they have to feel as though they are compensating for something though."
Your snarky comments about my misreading saralafs post (which others shared) is neither helpful nor kind. FYI: Feministing encourages debate, not calling other posters asses.
You know sometime youre actually going to have to come out of your shell to, you know, debate, rather than hiding behind accusations of mother hating for posters who disagree with you.
Gopher: once again with the personal attacks. Sigh.
I'll try once more to communicate with you, but if you pull anymore rookie hater stuff I'm done.
Matrophobia is not "hating mothers." It is a deep fear of becoming a mother, usually because of witnessing our own mothers' disempowerment in our society. Often it is difficult for feminists to imagine an empowered motherhood for themselves or others, so they either stigmatize it or reject it as distasteful. And statistically, becoming a mother makes women more vulnerable to partner violence and poverty. So that reality can also make it easy to blame or despise mothers.
No, I think she got that idea from ASSumation.
I'm not saying this patronize you, I'm only saying this because you yourself said you can't wait to have children.
You said, "when the inevitable hideous labor horror story bonding ritual comes up"
One thing you will learn when you have children is that the birthing experience is absolutely amazing. I have never done anything so incredible with just my body before and I am still amazed to think about what a woman's body is capable of. After giving birth (twice so far) I was sad to learn that most people don't give a shit about the labor/birthing story. Every time I tried to tell the story of what I just went through and how amazing it was, I was cut off by another woman wanting to tell me about her experience instead of listening to mine. After this happened repeatedly I had to think about why women were biting at the bit to tell their story. I came to realize it is because we do not get many opportunities to discuss this life event. What was a huge moment in my life is soon forgotten for the child I gave birth too. Visitors would comment on how great I looked for giving birth then the focus immediately went to my baby. My child's birthday for the next 80 years is about their birth, not my labor and delivery of them. I am more than happy for my children to receive this attention, but I would have appreciated some people asking what the birth was like and caring about my experience.
Being in labor and delivering a child is truly an amazing feat of women. I wish more people paid attention to the birthing stories of women because they are amazing and empowering.
Every chance I get to discuss my birthing story I have taken advantage of, and let me tell you that has probably happened five times ever.
I dunno- maybe because it's been a couple decades now...my natural child birth was incredible but it was not the most incredible experience of my entire life- in fact, if i was to have another, I do not think I would be missing out so much by adopting or fostering.
If child birth is your one, major highlight- I hope you'll find some passion and get on with the huge buffet that life is.
I don't like hearing other womens birth stories now like I did when my child was an infant.
Gads those stories get old fast.
movin on
I think you took sara's comments completely out of context.
And what is your deal with assuming she was talking about abortion? And so what if she was? You said yourself, many women go onto become mothers after having abortions, just like sara wants. So whats wrong with it? Its a normal part of life band she is merely pointing it out. However, I think its obvious she was referring to sex. Ie, hetero penis in vagina, traditional method of conception, sex.
Your accusing her of matrophobia is a good laugh though!I think you suffer from exaggeritis and/or hysteritis.
I've been to baby showers that cover the entire range from horrifying to actually fun, and everywhere in between. I have a couple of strategies for not being too rigidly gendered in gifts:
-bring something bare-bones useful, like a package of diapers or wipes, or some cloth diapers (which are good to have in an emergency even if the parents are planning on using disposables, and they're also great burp cloths). You might get some weird looks, but the parents will appreciate it later when they're zombie-tired and don't have to go to the store. And you absolutely can't have too many diapers.
-give something handmade if you're crafty, because then you can totally control how gendered or ungendered the gift is
-give a shower present that's actually for the mom, instead of the baby. Or for the couple. A nice set of lotions or something, or gift certificates for take-out meals or a movie. I felt so ignored at my own shower that I often try to focus on the already-born instead of the baby.
The last point is hit-or-miss. I've only been to one baby shower, and I almost bought the expecting mother something. I would have gotten her some relaxing bath salts or something to use after she put the baby to bed. But she and her boyfriend (now ex) were kind of poor. I didn't want to buy something for her when something for the baby was more needed. I compromised by getting her a trendy diaper bag, which was something she needed but didn't ask for.
I like to do the same thing, because it irritates me that, when a woman has a baby, every gift she gets during and immediately after the pregnancy is really for the baby, not her. So, the shower is for the diapers or other stuff from the registry. Any other gift is for the 'rents: massage oil, loofas, free babysitting on date-night, or whatever else reminds them that they're human beings apart from Baby.
if you dress yor girl in blue she will grow a penis-
if you dress your boy in pink he will grow up to be a female stripper
the horrors of not conforming to gender assigned BS is incredibly scary for the stupid families who propagate the insanity.
You would have likely preferred my "shower".
It was the night before Halloween, we had a keg, a full bar, gourmet food, junk food, males, females, a few transgender, 3 drag queens (friends who performed for us), gay, straight and bi, we had a DJ, my old country family members were dancing on the same floor with punk rockers, new wavers, no wavers and rude boys from our night club scene.
It was the late 80's and we had a ball!
it's not about era, it's about the people- only about 10% are ever visionary and capable of even attempting to rise above ordinary consciousness.
I was a toddler then, but I wouldve loved your shower!! Scratch my previous comment from above.....exceptions for these types of baby showers!
I went to a friend's baby shower nearly two years ago. I don't know if she identifies as a feminist, but she's at least pro-feminist. I was still surprised how gendered the registry was. She knew she was having a boy, and all of the clothing on the registry was blue. And to make matters worse, she didn't put a diaper bag on her registry! I felt bad, because I always knew she was a very helpful and selfless person, and that's a great thing. But to forget to ask for a bag, the one thing that she would use that wasn't 100% for the baby. So I bought her a really nice diaper bag that looked like any regular tote bag, which I thought was great, since the parent's the one who needs to carry the thing. Why should Winnie the Pooh be on a diaper bag?
I have a baby cousin that just celebrated his 1st birthday. He's the first baby to be born since I've become an adult (I'm 24), so I like buying him gifts. I bought him a reversible cardigan from Fair Indigo. It's fair trade and made of organic cotton. I'm trying to instill some pro-social values in him (and his conservative father) early on. I wanted to get him the green one to not be gendered, but he looks so great in blue. I got him the blue one, since I knew he would look better in it, and he surely did. And the pink was this hideous Pepto Bismol pink, which I wouldn't put on anyone. So even though the color blue is gendered, I don't see my decision to get him a blue cardigan as gendered.
My son looks good in blue, too. We can't beat ourselves up over everything that might possibly be construed as anti-feminist, or we'd all go nuts. If we don't have the choice to put boys in blue and girls in pink once in a while, because we actually genuinely like the color or whatever non-coerced reason, then we aren't really helping any cause.
My kids are strictly wearing tie dye.
when my son was born we had been given a lot of clothes...lots of blues, with airplanes and trucks and dinosaurs. I also recieved a few packages of basic white newborn onsies. The "cute" clothes that I was exited about were all sized a bit bigger, so for the first month or so he just wore the white onsies. By the time he grew into the "boy" clothes, I had gotten my head screwed back on straight and realized that he was either pooping or spitting up on all his clothes anyway, so it didn't really matter what he wore! In fact, my mom picked up and 'extra' pair of jammies at a thrift store that were pink and flowery to keep at her house just in case. Those jammies fit him so well and were so comfy, he wore them almost every night!!
Sorry. I don't have much helpful advice, but I just wanted to add that I mostly hate baby showers because there's something so consumerist about them. It would be taboo, say, and just generally make you look cheap and evil, to bring a USED gift. New baby things, for the short amount of time a growing baby/child wears them, are absurdly overpriced - and, as you say, almost invariably push stupid gender stereotypes.
My mom and grandmother raised put their babies and toddlers in garage sale clothes and were done with it.
I do, however, think the "Baby (Insert University Mascot Here)" or "Made in ____" outfits are pretty adorable.
good things about baby "showers"
you can have the party as you want it-
it can be male, female, trans inclusive
it's a time for community to come together and help the soon to be parent/s of the child with appropriate gifts that can make parenting easier or more fun-
*great books the parents may be too practical and on a tight budget to buy
*running stroller, baby back pack, etc.
*food grinders to make baby food with
*promise notes for baby sitting
*sentimental gifts, like handmade baby blankets or original art inspired by the baby- that are treasured forever
It's a chance for the community to support the choice to bring another human into the world, or into the community in the case of adoption.
It also gives friends who don't have children the opportunity to connect with the next generation and be a great extended family member.
I would not have ribbons and silly baby shower games though. ick
I agree with this, but sometimes the issue is that you have a well-meaning group of acquintances (like from work) who want to give you a baby shower, but completely don't get your objections to the conventional sort and think you're being overly picky or demanding if you request that they not do things the way they usually do. And for someone like me who thought it would be a fantastic idea to move halfway across the country from my grad school friends, who would put together the kind of shower I would like, and instead moved from a very liberal community into one of the squarest of the red states before having kids, this is a kind of unavoidable issue. Because it's not as if I dislike my coworkers or don't respect them or anything. We just really don't get each other, but I also don't want to piss them off or hurt their feelings. And unfortunately this is the kind of line you have to walk when you're living in exile. =(
I had a girl, and wound up with my share of cute little dresses and pink bibs, but I also wound up with toy trucks and mechanic and tool sets. (My husband is an industrial mechanic.)
My go to gifts at baby showers are a handmade quilt (if it's a very close friend), or a handmade diaper bag and/or toy bag. I usually find out what the "theme" in the nursery is and try to go along those lines, but if it's something I'm not nuts about, or if I find some exceptionally cute fabric, I'll go with that. For bags, I try to stick with bright colors - something that identifies as a kid/baby bag, but not something so babyish that Mom will hate carrying it. I also put in everything I couldn't live without: a vibrating teething ring, spoons for self-feeders, Boudreaux's Butt Paste (fabulous on diaper rash), baby Tylenol, Mylicon drops, the only leak-proof sippy cups I've ever found, and breast pads. And you know what? The moms always seem WAY more grateful about those things than another pink pair of shoes or blue socks.
And I ALWAYS throw in a book or two - Where the Wild Things Are, I Love You Forever (sure to get everyone crying), Ferdinand, Llama Llama Red Pajama, Goodnight Moon, Green Sheep.
More shocking, I think, than the inundation of blue and pink is the fact that I'm usually the only one to give a book to the new baby.
To answer the original question of how I operate within the mainstream culture, I just do. I make no apologies for the fact that I breastfed for nearly three years. I don't care if nobody likes that my daughter slept with us more than in her own bed (and still does, off and on, at the age of five). She's not allowed to watch Spongebob or Hannah Montana - I think Hannah's too mouthy and Spongbob is too stupid for a five year old. No matter what you do as a mom, you're going to be doing in "wrong" in someone's eyes, and that's a whole other post for a whole other day. You just have to know that you're doing the best you can each day, and sometimes, the best you can do is to keep them marginally alive.
And the game that's more horrble than the diaper/chocolate/poo game is the game where you take toilet paper and rip it into the length you think will fit around the mama's belly. Worse than throwing the bridal bouquet. Ugh.
hmmm this is an interesting post, me and my girlfriend have been kind of wondering how to bring up a conscious kid if we ever have one. its sure to be an uphill struggle, but hopefully i, like my mum, will be able to manage it. on a related topic- my little half sister went through just about every horribly gendered stage possible, from princesses and bratz and all that to where she is now, loving the playboy brand and hasnt even hit her teens. wish i could at least let her know some of my views, but her mum (and her/ my) dad would probably kill me. they still wont let me say that i dont believe in god, or that chicken isnt actually made of chicken (!), in front of her. just gonna have to wait till shes older, and hope shes not too far gone.
Well, with how I have fit in with typical parenting choices, my kids have gender typical names, both have gender typical haircuts and they both tend to dress in gender typical clothes. My daughter does wear a lot of jeans and t-shirts, more so than her friends at pre-school, but she has pierced ears and a huge collection of dresses.
Alternative choices? My son has his nails painted whenever he asks, he plays dress up with his sister (complete with princess dresses) and has a great kitchen play set. My daughter is encouraged to play sports, has tool box sets and watches Handy Manny instead of princesses. They are both encouraged to be affectionate, we don't use physical punishment under any circumstances, they eat on their own schedule (meaning when they are hungry and not on a time table set by us), they are both told daily that we are proud of them and now that my daughter is old enough to understand, we encourage her to have high aspirations for herself. She currently wants to be a college professor. She knows that some women change their names when they get married, but thinks it's silly and has told me she is NOT changing her name ever. Other than that, we just pretty much do what feels right at the time and we all try to work together as a family, learning from our mistakes. I love being a mom- I have never enjoyed anything I did more and I feel like my kids push me to be a better feminist because I know I want more for them.
When my partner and I got married last year, we had been together for 6 years, owned a home together, had two dogs together, and hadn't lived under our parents roofs, or had any financial support from them, for a long time. Yet, people pleaded with me to allow them to throw me a shower. I didn't want to, as we have all we need, since we've long established our household. What did people think we'd been eating off of for all these years?! If anyone wanted to give me a shower, it would have been nice when we bought our first home together for example. So after my two sister-in-laws became offended that I had not let them throw me the shower, I said "fine." I assumed our conversations about it would lead them to plan something that was along the lines of a get-together... but to my horror, it ended up being an all-female gift exchange. I was mortified. And, it was ridiculous how entrenched some people's views were... even knowing we had been living together for years, people still bought us cheese graters, mixing bowls, etc. My partner is a chef, so he appreciated it, but it was stuff we already had. After that experience, and my sister-in-law's baby shower a few months after our wedding, I vowed to never have a baby shower. At hers, she got a lot of "Jesus Loves Me" and Noah's Ark gifts... my partner and I are both atheists, although the rest of our family is Catholic, and I'm pretty sure they think of us as going through a phase or a "rough spot" with the Church, and that we believe, even if we aren't currently practicing. Boy will it open a can of worms when they start asking about the baptism! But I wonder, is there a way to tell people, if you ARE having a shower, to bring appropriate gifts? As in, non-gendered items, and no religious stuff? Like I said, I think I'd rather just not have the shower to avoid it all. yet, people will still send gifts. Do I just thank them, and never hang the crucifix in the kid's room?
You can include a polite message like "no girly gifts please" or "no princess gifts please" or whatever, but they'll ignore it. In fact for some people, it's more of an incentive to buy these kinds of things. We've made it clear to all our family and friends that we do not want any Bratz gifts for my stpedaughter. She got two bratz dolls at christmas. So we take them back and let her choose something else. She's pleased to be able to wander the toy aisle and pick out what she wants, and we figure they were warned and ought not to get their feelings hurt if they find out we returned it.
At their birthday parties we specify "no gifts please," and that works much better. Three of my stepdaughter's friends made elaborate homemade birthday cards for her, and the party was a huge success without the giant pile of gifts. My daughter's still too young to know the difference, so she doesn't even realize that most people think you're supposed to have tons of gifts at your birthday. Their grandparents still send them birthday gifts, and they get a couple of new things from us, so it's not like they're totally deprived.
See...this is why I have a strict policy on referring to children of unknown gender as "it" The whole thing started out as an offshoot of my research (I work with insect larvae, it's impossible to tell with them, so I call them all "it") and an incident with a school acquaintance with a child dressed in a gender neutral color with a gender neutral name - the mother was incensed that I could not tell the wee ones gender... when to me they all sorta look like Winston Churchill. Babies are like larvae anyway, until they pupate as teenagers there's no telling what gender they'll wind up when they hatch - genitalia not withstanding.
Since I was a seamstress in a "previous life" people, even acquaintances, expect "outfits" from me at baby showers which I find largely pointless as the squirts will outgrow them in a month or so. I knit sweaters and frivolously cute bootees and leave it at that. And I always do 'em in yellow, green, or orange, cheery baby friendly colors that don't denote a particular gender.
I mean when they're babies it's all about the parents anyway isn't it? It's not like the kid knows it's puking up on Tommy Hilfiger baby clothes or second hand baby clothes (or elaborately whiteworked christening gowns...*sigh*) They sure as hell don't know what color they're puking up on.
My advice, if you're as sans-children as I am, bring a flask and some knitting, smile a lot, politely decline to play the games if you don't want to, and just let any negativity slide off your back (that's what the flask is for...) If the Mum and Dad to be have a sense of humor, cute onesies and blankets with happy animals on them (duckies, squid, beetles, puppies) or band onesies (they make em!) are fun alternatives to the usual parade of sailor suits and ruffle dresses.
I like the idea of giving wonderful children's books too! I might steal that idea as I usually get invited to baby showers, but not toddler birthdays (which would be in my line of thinking, the logical time to give books)
just recently a close friend of mine had a baby (the first in my group of friends) and she didn't know the sex until the baby was born. we missed her actual shower because she lives in a different city but then a group of us went to visit her and we gave her some cute onsies and baby socks that were all hand silk screened or thirft store finds (one of the onsies had a hot pink design on it!) because it is just so hard not to buy some little tiny clothing like that but we also went in on a gift certificate to a nearby massage studio that offered prenatal massages so that she could go get a nice hour long massage before the baby was born, or (and i think this is what she did) she could save it for afterwards and take a break from the baby and go get that massage! she was really into the gift and it made me feel good to give HER something since, you know, SHE is my friend, not the baby (yet, at least!).
Thank you Rachel in WY for your response to the author's specific questions about feminist parenting. This is a topic my partner and I have discussed several times.
It seems to me that it would be quite a challenge to raise a child in line with my "non-traditional" values and ideals, and I appreciate learning from others who are already doing this.
My family is fairly traditional and I feel I would have many battles with them if I chose to become a parent: ranging from baby clothes/toys to not baptizing to living life with minimal material things.
If anyone has found any books that speak to this issue, I would really appreciate some recommendations. I will certainly need help balancing my family's involvement and laying a foundation based on my values if I do decide to become a parent.
Thanks!
Hi,
I am a recently divorced mother of two teenage sons. I am not a mainstream mom. Every person needs to follow what is best for themselves. I did not push my sons to do things just to please me or their father. Don't get me wrong, they had rules they had to live by. For example, going to school and keeping up with homework, not being rude, cleaning up after themselves, etc. I vowed to support them in whatever legal thing they wanted to do.
My sons are not typical "boys". My older one is into music and is in band and my younger one likes drama and working on sets for the school plays. I am just happy that they are comfortable with themselves and have found their niche. So many power moms and dads push their kids to hard.
I think this type of upbringing helped my sons when their dad left us for a single mom with a four year old daughter. They had trouble at first, but they are surviving.
These mainstream moms need to understand that nothing is carved in stone. Your husband could run off or your kid will not be the sports superstar you were hoping for. You need to roll with the punches.
peace
My wife and I had two showers. One was with family and friends, had no silly games, was coed, and had beer. The other was thrown by her coworkers, and I was the only man there. All the traditional games, lots of pink, lots of frills. Not as much fun, but the cake was pretty good. Sometimes you have to let people do nice things for you even if it sets your teeth on edge.
And, yeah, we got a lot of gendered stuff, which is annoying. I do put my foot down about the flat out offensive stuff for girls, like "Future Diva" (I know the historic meaning isn't so bad, but the current pop meaning isn't something I want my daughter to aspire to) and "Give me Daddy's credit card!" but she ends up wearing a lot of pink, because I don't see the point in turning down hand me downs just because of color.
I think the key is letting your kid's desires be the guide. A friends son basically came out of the womb fascinated with tools. At 18 months old, his favorite book was an old tool catalog I gave me. He knew more about hammers than most carpenters. Now he's five and is learning how to sew because he wants to be a tailor. You can never tell.
When I do a cake for a baby shower, I like to use a carousel horsie pan. I make up several shades of icing...pink, blue, yellow, green, and lavender, and use them all on the cake. Works for all and is free of gender bias.
Just want to point out that baby showers don't HAVE to be like this.
I'm pregnant for the first time and we just had our baby shower. For many of the reasons discussed here, I was reluctant to have one, and my partner was even more reluctant.
However, it was completely different. It was co-ed, all ages, with a really interesting mix of people who spent as much time talking to each other then to us (which was great!).
We've decided to be surprised on the gender, and while we of course sometimes get annoying comments -- "how will you know what to get?" or, the completely ridiculous "how can you bond with the baby unless you know if it's a boy or a girl?" -- we try to make it a non-issue.
At the shower, we asked for meals/babysitting coupons in lieu of gifts, or for hand-me-downs if people felt they absolutely had to get something. We got some *terrific* stories from people with the secondhand gifts they brought, which was part of the fun.
Anyway, yes, a lot of baby showers can be ridiculously gendered, consumerist, heteronormative, etc., but they don't _have_ to be. There's a small part of me that would like to think that showing a different type of baby shower (for which I'm grateful to some wonderful and dear friends of mine) may be a more effective way of helping some people think differently about them then would not having a shower at all, which was our original plan.
'"how can you bond with the baby unless you know if it's a boy or a girl?" -- we try to make it a non-issue.'
how do these people think parents bond[ed] with their unborn children before ultrasounds were so readily available [in the US and such]!?
I went to a spectacular shower a few years ago. The expectant mother and her partners had made a plaster cast of her belly earlier and we got to decorate it. We also painted onesies to outfit the child for his first three months.
There were silly games involving plastic babies in ice cubes and trivia games but overall it was not a gender specific event, even though they knew at that point that the baby was going to be born with a penis.
It was an enjoyable event and a fun celebration of new life. I think if people focus more on the fact that a new person is coming into this world and less on its genitalia, it's easier to come up with fun ways to celebrate the event.
motherhood is so good. If you are not ready you definitely do not need to do it. There is so much responsibility with parenthood. Its just a wonderful thing.
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