this is a really interesting topic.

my partner is male. i am female. we are not legally married, but we consider each other spouses. he is, essentially, my husband, but then again, hes not. hes my life partner.

the coveted terms "husband" and "wife" are exclusive. and while i have the option of marrying my partner, i realize that many couples do not. i would like for all couples, gay or straight, to use the term "partner." then, not only is it gender neutral, but it is also relationship neutral. your "partner" could be your serious girlfriend, fiance, wife, primary partner, or whatever. then, people like me (and many, many others) wouldnt have to explain. "hes not my husband, but we wear wedding rings and exchanged words of love and commitment and live as any other married couple... thats not married." "partner" just eliminates that mess.

also, i would like to comment on this part of your post. "Even when every single government right is the same (which is NOT the case and never will be.)" i think universal rights for all people, gay or straight, will be achieved in out lifetime. its been a hard, long fight, and it will continue to be so, but i am hopeful. so many states have made amazing progress just this year! i firmly believe that one day justice will be achieved, as long as we dont give up.

My partner is a male. I don't want others to be aware of our legal status for a variety of reasons. It's not their business. That is all.

I've always referred to my (male) partner as my partner because we're not married, but it's ridiculous to use the boyfriend/girlfriend terminology when you're in your mid 30s and have kids together. We could get married but don't on principle (I have huge issues with the whole marriage thing). I often notice that my students don't know whether I'm gay or straight when I just use the term "partner," but it's a small college town, and eventually some of them see us in public together and inform the rest of the class that I'm actually straight. I used to think their reaction was ridiculous, but now I kind of see it as a way to open people's minds a bit and force a bit of flexibility into cultural views of relationships and families. For one thing, if everyone referred to their partner as a partner, then that would normalize all different kinds of relationships and implicitly indicate that they're on equal footing in the relationship. And for another thing, I don't want to be anybody's "wife." But "partner" is a whole other thing.

I was actually wondering about this. I am straight and in a long term committed relationship. I recently, for work, had to pick someone to give my power of attorney to in the event that I’m incapacitated. I chose my boyfriend. He is also my emergency contact and the beneficiary of my life insurance policy. As I was signing over my life to him I realized that I felt awkward listing him as my boyfriend. Our relationship is so much deeper then that, but he isn’t my husband. Since I didn’t have a word that meant more then just a boyfriend but not a spouse I went with partner because to me a partner is someone to whom you are married in all but name. So on my official documents he is now listed as my partner. In conversation I refer to him as my boyfriend.

I spent six months studying in Australia, and there (and I'm guessing England also, if not all or most of Europe) it's common to use the term "partner." It was rough going for us Americans for a few weeks ("so does that mean she's a lesbian??") but we figured it out. I like it--I agree that it's a little awkward for me to refer to my male partner as a boyfriend--we've been together for awhile, we're moving in together soon, but we're not ready to get married. He's not really a boyfriend, but there isn't any other real word for it.

SO weird... I've had this conversation about 5 times in the past 2 weeks. Coincidental.

I'm queer, and for me, when I see somebody who I know is straight use the word "partner" to describe their opposite-sex significant other, I think "That's an ally". Because in my community, people make the conscious choice to use the word in order to "de-gayify" the word "partner", thus making it so that queer people don't have to automatically out themselves whenever they use it. Because yes, people assume that people who use the word partner are gay. But all of a sudden when you've got a bunch of straight people using it, you can't make that assumption anymore, and queer people can talk about their partners freely while still having the ability to come out at their leisure.

Was the woman in this narrative in fact married to her, er, whatever it is you want to call him?

I'm pansexual and refer to both male and female lovers of mine as "partners" mostly because well - in any relationship I like to be considered equal.

The word "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" are too loaded with gender expectations for me, personally.

I have no problem with straight people using the term "partner".

i think it's moved into an arena that is not necessarily about sexual orientation. it's about legal status, as everyone is saying, (example - it's none of anyone's business whether or not you're married, how long you've been together, whether you lived together or not, etc) but most importantly, it's about equality. i think a lot of hetero people who use the term "partner" do it in terms of equality on the basis of gender and sexual orientation. it's to dismantle an institution that makes marriage the norm and the ultimate goal of a relationship. it's also to be sensitive to the fact that marriage equality is still being fought for in most states. and finally, it's recognizing that "partner" has more of a connotation of equality than wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend. the word has no gender, so it does not assign a role for them to play in the relationship. it also defines the relationship strictly as a partnership rather than one of relation and attachment.

I completely agree with almost everything that has been said above about the intentional use of the word partner to subvert dominant paradigms of gender roles, marriage, inequality, etc.

And at the end (or the beginning) of the day, I am of the opinion that ANYONE can call their significant other anything they want...from an obviously liberal freedom-like unobtrusive standpoint. I don't care.

But for conversations sake, from a socio-political standpoint, while I agree with all the positive reasons for using partner that have been stated above, my only concern was this:

I am fairly certain that I have known heterosexual people within the queer movement, whether at activist organizations or simply in queer circles, that purposely use the word "partner" to refer to their opposite sex significant other because they do not want people to know they are straight. This may be for an entirely different thread, but it's an interesting paradox when the straight people are afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, awkward, etc. to "come out" as straight in a mostly-queer environment. I'm pretty sure the co-worker I am referring to uses the word "partner" intentionally for this reason, as she then gets extremely awkward when someone requires more information and the "truth" comes out - that her partner is opposite sex.

Semantics aside, the whole "straight people have to come out when in gay environments" phenomena is interesting nonetheless...

I spent a long while referring to my now-husband as "my partner". He wasn't a boyfriend (that had too strong a connotation of 'just dating'), but we weren't married, either.

Eventually we both had to stop ourselves from calling the other "my husband" or "my wife", because we weren't married then, but were very definitely together for life.

Thanks for this post and starting this discussion! I find it helpful, because Ive been thinking about this recently. I do not like the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' or even 'husband' and 'wife' in general, bc I think they have a sense of ownership associated with them. The implications of these words make me umcomfortable. I can't describe it any other way but ownership. On the other hand, the word 'partner' implies (to me) a mutual, committed relationship - with balance and respect. Even with the pronoun 'my' theres no ownership implication with 'partner'.

hmm.

Folks interested in this article might want to check out a recent article on the website bilerco:

Opps - here's the link: http://www.bilerico.com/2009/04/husbands_and_wives_and_partners_oh_my.php

Interesting discussion.

I'm a heterosexual and married. I hate the word "husband." I avoid using it as much as possible. Part of it is the social connotations that come with the labels of "husband" and "wife." Part of it is that it is such a "grown up" word, and I still feel too immature to use it. Another part of it is that I feel like I'm bragging about being married when I use it.

I tend not to use the word "partner" though, when describing him too. It's because when a professor of mine referred to her partner, I immediately thought she was talking about a business partner. I was confused for a while. I like the idea of the word "partner" because it is related to equality, but for me, it really lacks the romantic aspect of some relationships. That's just my reaction to the word. I think others that use it to describe romantic relationships have their own definitions for the word and should use what best describes their relationship to them.

Personally, I tend to use the term "significant other" when talking about my husband. I think it's up to individuals to label their own relationships in the way that is best for them. I would be loathe to judge the way another person describes hir relationship and I would appreciate others not judge me for the way I labeled mine.

When I was taking my first feminism course, this topic was brought up. Our instructors asked us what we thought the word 'parter' meant when it was used and what that meant about that persons sexual preference. After the discussion, we were asked to experement with out own friends and family by saying 'partner' instead of boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.

I now attempt to use the word 'partner' instead of using the term 'boyfriend' when referring to my heterosexual relationship, simply because it helped to bring up some conversations about relationship stereotypes.

I never really thought about the fact that I may offend someone :(

It's a pretty loaded word that will get people thinking "is s/he gay?" I know a few formal straight people who use it just out of habit. It technically is just another word for husband/wife. If it's being used at a queer rally, then yeah, there are probably political connotations around it. Otherwise, I doubt it.

Maybe it's my community (lots of academic friends), but more straight folk than gay folk use the term partner. It's almost opposite now. I like to call my significant other my girlfriend because it makes our queer relationship visible. I also use partner in gender-neutral settings in which I don't think it matters if the person I'm talking to knows or doesn't know.

We had a long, interesting conversation about this in a teaching class I had once. I know one or two LGBTQ folk who abhor when straight folk say partner. I like it. I like having an alternative to spouse, etc. But like I said, I like being able to use girlfriend as well to make visible what would otherwise be rendered invisible by heteronormativity.

You make an interesting point, itrust. Alas, I have a pretty silly reason for calling my boyfriend my "partner." I actually just hate the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." they sound stupid to me. That's really it.
Good to know I'm stirring up peoples' expectations if i use that word, though.

First, iTrust, just gotta say: what a cool question! A few thoughts...

(1) Are you sure your coworker is strait? I'm a bisexual male in a long-term committed relationship with a bisexual female. Both of us came out as teens have spent all our adult lives in the queer community, including LGBT activism. We are not legally married. We call each other partners.

(2) Not every male-female couple can get married.
Ex: I have a number of friends in long-term committed polyamorous relationships. Despite having financial, familial, and care-taking responsibilities with all their significant others, they are left without the rights of marriage for any significant others the law refuses to recognize. They also often use the word "partner". Likewise, I happen to be transsexual (something my or my partners' coworkers wouldn't know) and our ability to get legally married in my state is complex and uncertain.

(3) I suspect geographical/sub-cultural factors play out here. Ex: My town has a large number of couples (of all gender combos) who do not get married for too many reasons to list! "Partner" seems to be the most common word. As such, the word doesn't imply same-sex'ness as much as it carries a lack of implication period. Its often a safe word to use if you don't yet know the legal status or gender of someone's significant other.