I just started seeing a new guy and have already decided that I don't want to have sex with him right away (I'm far from a virgin though, so this isn't about virginity at all.)
The problem is, I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, and the answers I get are always arbitrary ("wait one month"), not so feminist (wait til you're married or you're a whore), or vague... "it'll feel right to you."
It actually never feels like "the right time" to me. I'm a survivor and I've had other bad experiences with men. I still enjoy sex and want to continue having it, but I just need help figuring out what "the right time for me" is because I don't have much experience with healthy relationships. I think there are conversations that I should have with him to help me decide when the right time is, but I don't really know what those conversations are.
So does anyone have suggestions of questions and conversations two people should have before first having sex with each other (aside from STDs, birth control, and what we'd do if I got pregnant)?
I heard somewhere that a couple should talk about what each of their expectations for the relationship after the first time are. That's the kind of thing I'm looking for.
Sorry for being kind of vague and scattered, I'd appreciate any advice anyone has for me!
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Seems like a good question for Professor Foxy! http://www.feministing.com/profiles/professor%20foxy
I second what Courtney says; I just logged on to post a link to Heather Corinna's "readiness checklist" on Scarleteen. Thought it might give you some ideas about what questions to explore with your partner prior to physical intimacy.
Have long, intense discussions with your new partner. Work out what sex means to you, both how you enjoy it and how it brings up bad feelings. Gauge his responses to see if he is worth it. Then maybe you will feel like the time, person and space are right for you.
I honestly think if you feel the need to have "long, intense discussions" about something as trivial and fluff as sex, then you probably aren't ready to be having it.
As far as "seeing if he's worth it", isn't that just another sexist way of valuing women based on sex?
To "see if he's worth" (your virginity, your virtue, your etc and so forth ad infintium).
Not to mention it's also problematic in how it treats the male in the equation.
Just an FYI, though it's probably obvious? Sex isn't fluff and trivial to everyone, or for everyone with every experience, and for many rape or sexual abuse survivors specifically, it can be particularly loaded and complex.
I get you on the "worth it" stuff and such, but telling anyone who has made clear this decision about sex is a big deal for her personally that it's not a big deal comes off, to me, as dismissive.
Way to be completely dismissive of someone's thoughts.
There's nothing wrong with having long discussions about sex. It can be a big deal for some people and there's nothing wrong with that. And even if it's not a big deal, it can still be a good idea to iron out issues about safety, trust, expectations etc. Just because our culture has stupid ideas about purity and virtue doesn't mean that sex is always totally meaningless and insignificant.
It's not dismissive. It's my opinion. It goes that if you have enough issues related to sex that it requires long intense discussions, then you shouldn't be having it. You should be working on those problems so that you don't have upset related to it.
I just happen to find sex completely meaningless and insignificant. Sorry, I just don't see anything mythic, magical, or serious business about it.
Personally I think the exact opposite-- sex should involve a long discussion or a series of short ones. It does not have to be all somber or serious but it does need to cover dos and donts, what protection we are using, enough of a sexual history that I trust you have been recently tested for STDs and not engaged in any risky behavior before hand and lastly talking about what sorts of things each person likes and enjoys.
I find covering all these points before having sex means my boundaries get respected and we dont have to break due to misunderstandings or bad assumptions. Plus knowing what someone likes before hand makes the sex much better.
I completely agree. While I believe sex is a lot of fun and everyone should be free to do what they like to do sexually, it can have some potential negative risks like STDs and pregnancy. Sex is an intimate act and can have a profound effect on people. I like to know where my partner stands on birth control and abortion in case we were to ever get pregnant. It's also important to know what people like and don't like, just as you said. Discussing things beforehand can make problems easier to deal with if they arise. It's good to be on the same page with your partner.
"I just happen to find sex completely meaningless and insignificant. Sorry, I just don't see anything mythic, magical, or serious business about it."
Now that absolutely makes you the dude to go to for advice on sex and relationships, then!
Such authority!
Anna: thanks for the recommendation!
Mariella, we also have an advice answer that might be helpful to you here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_a_sexual_abuse_survivor_how_do_i_get_okay_being_intimate_again
This piece might also be helpful, particularly in conversations with/assessing a given partnership: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/lets_get_metaphysical_the_etiquette_of_entry
"The problem is, I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, and the answers I get are always arbitrary ("wait one month"), not so feminist (wait til you're married or you're a whore), or vague... "it'll feel right to you.""
One possible reason I see to wait is just to keep things interesting. This probably means more when you're actually in your first relationship and haven't experienced everything already but it should still be different in some way with this person, so it seems you have stuff to look forward to if you go one thing at a time.
I think you're thinking about this too much. If you don't want to have sex yet - then don't. You don't need to explain it to yourself or come-up with a checklist for when it'll be the right time. It's the right time when you FEEL LIKE it's the right time.
Having said all that, if you've had sex before and enjoy it, then I'm unclear on what you're worried about. I don't know how having long deep conservations is going to change anything, unless you're trying to be absolutely sure he isn't a jerk. But then like I said, if you've had sex before and enjoy it, then who cares if he turns out to be a jerk, what have you actually lost by doing it?
Anyways, back to paragraph #1 - just do it when you feel like it. Don't pressure yourself or think about it so much.
You should also talk about stuff like what kind of sex you enjoy - like the positions, oral, anal, places you don't like being touched, etc etc - and you should also have a safeword. Even if all you're having is the most vanilla of vanilla sex. That way there's absolutely no way either of you can misunderstand. And when you bring this up and agree on a word, look him straight in the eye and say, "If I say this word and you don't stop touching me immediately, you are raping me. End of discussion."
The use of a safeword in vanilla sex isn't an excuse for someone to continue having sexual intercourse after someone says "no", but it's a recognition that society has come to regard the word "no" as something less definitive than it should be. i.e. "When she says "no", she's just playing hard to get."
Just as a personal thing to share and that might help you, I can't have sex with someone I don't trust. I don't have anything against one night stands and I prefer FWBs to full-fledged relationships except for exceptions, but having sex is such a personal thing to me, that the very least I need to be able to trust someone is that they won't go sharing intimate details of our escapades with others. Maybe that's a bit of what's going on here, that you don't yet quite trust the other person. Anyway, I hope it works out for you.
Best of luck.
I think the issue of trust which Eresbel mentioned is quite important. If you haven't been seeing this guy for long yet you might not feel like you trust him properly yet, especially if you've had bad experiences before.
If you feel like you can share your feelings about sex and your previous experiences with him and he handles it well then that could be a good sign, but obviously that's a very personal choice. With my past boyfriends I have shared my own bad experiences before having sex with them and I prefer that they are aware of these.
I think if you can have conversations about all the issues around sex (contraception, sexual history, bad experiences) and the guy handles it maturely then it will build trust between you and might help you find the right time to have sex. :)
I hate to do this, but I second the "when it feels right" argument.
As someone who's always had a complicated relationship to sex, the vague advice seems to be a good indicator. For one boy, all the kissing and petting in the world didn't make me want to say "Yes, keep going further!" Instead, I kept dissolving into angst and anxiety. In short, it didn't "feel right".
For another, I *did* want to keep going. When he stopped to ask if it was okay, I couldn't think of anything but yes. Though in the past I'd shied away at a certain point, that night, with that boy, "it was right".
Hope that helps.