Elizabeth Barnes has worked in abortion care for fifteen years. She is inspired on a daily basis by the incredible, moral, ethical, beautiful people she has had the privilege to meet, care for, work with, and learn from doing this work. She is based out of Philadelphia.
Since the assassination of our friend, colleague and hero, Dr. George Tiller, we abortion providers have been asking ourselves: how do we make sense of this horrible event? As the Executive Director of two clinics, it is my job to help navigate the hardest things...to frame them in some way so that we can respond, get better, grow through our challenges. But I can not do that here. I can not make sense of this. I am heartbroken. But does this mean that I am without hope, the ability to take action, a path of direction? No. Absolutely not.
Why do we do this? Why are we abortion providers? Abortion is all about reality. There is nothing theoretical about being faced with the decision to terminate a pregnancy. Whether at five weeks, at eleven weeks, at twenty six weeks... these decisions are made with the "realness" of your life staring you in the face. Pregnancy puts a bright light onto our lives, every time. Dr. Tiller lived in this reality and so do the rest of us in abortion care. Dr. Tiller knew that no one walks into a clinic and says "I am here to exercise my constitutional right to an abortion." He knew how messy abortion could be, just like everything else in life, and helped us all navigate this, talk about it, do it better, and even celebrate it.
I have heard many times that the risk of violence comes with the territory of being an abortion provider. I do not accept this. I will live with it, but I do not accept that this risk comes with the territory. I do not accept the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I train staff how to evacuate after a bomb threat as casually as the average person at work might show someone where the coffee pot is. I do not accept that I have become an expert in combating domestic terrorism, that my gut instincts are so finely honed due to a concerted expenditure of effort and energy and fear. I do not accept that this is our lot. I challenge this expectation and I ask you to do the same. I can live with it, but I do not accept it.
The fact is being an abortion provider carries a host of blessings and challenges- that is what makes it a compelling and wonderful and my life's work. Abortion providers are privileged to serve, care for and be challenged by very complex patients at very complex points in their lives- we move on the edges of life and death, and when we do things well, we ease passages, provide space for transformation and second chances, provide safe haven, and treat many who have never been treated so before as deserving of dignity and compassion. We believe women can be trusted with the most difficult moral challenges and we live this belief every day.
Yet, we are living in such fear of violence that I was afraid to bring my one year old son to Wichita so that my husband and I could attend our friend's funeral. And then, I looked at my son and knew I had no choice but to go to Wichita, and that he would have to come because he was too little to be left behind- because what kind of world am I choosing for him if I do not go to recognize the loss of my friend and hero? If I do not stand up and be counted for Dr Tiller, who will? How do I live in a world where I would be too afraid to go to the funeral of someone I loved? How do we live in a world where we allow terrorism, slowly but surely, to whittle away our ability to live freely? To choose how best to care for our own? To make the choices we need to make to live every day?
This is often, incorrectly, framed as a war. But in a war, both sides have weapons. Our only weapons as providers are dedication, knowledge, courage, compassion, trust, respect, justice and dignity- the bedrocks of care Dr. Tiller preached to us.
So, how did we end up here? We are health care providers, already signed up to do something complicated and difficult without the threat of violence lurking. We ended up here because of a concerted, real effort on the parts of thousands of people who mask benignly under the guise of being "pro-life" as they breed violence with constant threats, the dehumanization of all of us who work in abortion care, and the funding and support activity that goes far beyond simple, legal and harmless protest.
It's easy to lose hope, but I believe that goodness will reign. That the outrage over Dr. Tiller's murder will spark change. I hear it already- in the voices of the providers who have gone out and started websites, have spoken out on TV and in the press about our experiences- and then next day walked through yet another picket line to care for their patients. I believe in the possibility of the 45 million women living in the United States who have had an abortion sharing their story and breaking their unspoken code of silence. I believe in humanity, just like Dr. Tiller did- and that is why I am an abortion provider.
Dr. Tiller walked in beauty. He taught us we can do the same. With every gesture, word, work day, minute and hour. Dr. Tiller was a great leader, with huge, elegant, graceful shoes- far too large for any one person to fill- so many of us must step up to fill them. And we will.
May all love surround all of us.
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Thank you for the work you do.
Thanks a lot for your eloquent post.
I am not a health care provider but since Dr. Tiller's murder, I have been volunteering as an escort at the local Planned Parenthood. I was a child during the 90s rash of clinic attacks and murders so the emotions I felt with Dr. Tiller’s death were new to me. Something clicked that it's not enough to just say I'm pro-choice and occasionally donating paltry sums to pro-choice causes especially considering the fanatical opposition.
Thank you times a million for your service and I am sorry for the loss of your friend and colleague.
This is lovely. Thank you for standing tall and for speaking up.
I would like to echo the others here. Thank you for the work you do.
Thank you for the work you do. Thank you for remaining dedicated and courageous in the face of this tragedy. And thank you for speaking up and doing your part to break the silence.
Thank you so much for this post and for your services to women. You're giving people hope when there seems to be none left, and you're giving womens' lives back in a time where people are desperately fighting to destroy our rights. Thank you.
Thank you, Elizabeth!
"I have heard many times that the risk of violence comes with the territory of being an abortion provider. I do not accept this. I will live with it, but I do not accept that this risk comes with the territory."
Exsactly! I mean, "you asked for it by doing X" can apply to anything violent thugs say is against their culture, but that's no reason to condemn the rest of us for not obeying their customs!
My father is an OB/GYN at a Catholic-affiliated hospital. In addition to his other work, he offers abortion services to his patients. He is always very careful not to advertise this for obvious reasons.
When I heard about Dr. Tiller's murder, my first thought was of my dad. Was he safe? Would he be safe? Because he mostly does OB/GYN work and does not advertise abortion services, he will most likely not be targeted for any sort of violence; however, knowing this did not (and does not) completely eliminate my fear for him.
And beyond that, my father is the most moral, noble man I know. He believes deeply in the Hippocratic Oath, he cares for all his patients, and even takes on patients other doctors won't (due to lack of insurance, disability, etc.).
What's more, he is a staunch Republican, a true believer in the party that used to be about small government and personal responsibility. He believes in a party that used to be about keeping the government out of people's lives, and now it's turned traitor and is attacking (literally) people like my dad. THIS MUST END.