(I was torn between putting this under "Deep Thoughts" and "Transgender Issues"; I settled on "Deep Thoughts" because I'm a confused cis person, not someone who's qualified to talk about trans issues. I hope this is OK.)
I've been thinking about posting this for a long time, and I'm still not sure that I really should. The world does not need another cis person's view of trans people—I really do think that cis people should just shut up and listen more than just once in awhile. Which is really what this post is about (I hope); this post is the result of a lot of listening without ever having actually said anything before. That said, though, I'm almost certain that I'm getting it all wrong.
Quite frankly, I don't think it's possible or even desirable for me to thoroughly understand trans people's lives—because it's not my life or my experience, there are things that I am simply incapable of understanding. Total comprehension isn't always necessary for a peaceful coexistence. But I do think that I have to respect the fact that trans people exist and that their identities and choices have fuck all to do with me and my cis self, so if friend-who-I've-always-known-as-a-man tells me that she's a trans woman and has decided to start living as the woman she is, it may take a bit of getting used to simply because we've known each other for a long time and before she told me differently I used to think she was a man. Beyond that, it's her life and her identity and she's entitled to do what she needs to in order to make that life a happy one. All things considered, isn't that all that I really need to know?
Yet I do have questions that I'm afraid to ask because there's a line between respectful curiosity and pushing my nose into something that's not my own business, and while I may see these questions as the former, someone who's actually lived as a trans person may very well see them as the latter. I wonder how transitioning has changed the lives of people who've done it, what new attitudes or behaviours they've picked up since they started to transition, and what they were most looking forward to. What they were least looking forward to as well, come to think of it. I wonder what advice they'd give to people who are trans and still learning how to deal with it, and what advice they'd say to people who have friends or family members who have told them that they're trans. Most of all, I wonder why people think it's their business that "Andrew" used to be called "Jane" at some point in his life. After all, I may be relatively new to the concepts of privilege and transgender issues, but I'm not new to the concepts of good manners and common decency to other human beings.
(Incidentally, have you ever seen Calpernia Addams' video about stupid questions that cis people ask trans people? I admire her for not strangling most of those idiots with her bare hands.)
And I wonder if my current attitude is wrong. I mean, I don't claim to be an ally—I'm not enlightened enough—but I do wonder if sometimes I should be more accepting, more aware, more...something that I can't quite put my finger on. More open-minded, perhaps, or less condescending or self-centred (and I'm sure those last two things are there in large amounts, privilege being what it is, especially to someone who's relatively new to the concept). After all, my perspective isn't the one that matters because it isn't my life. Neither is it a trans person's job to educate me. But when ignorance is inexcusable and my questions are bound to be too personal—what kind of an attitude is the, or at least a , right one?
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This is my opinion as a trans woman. Others may have differing views of course :)
This is a good book in my personal opinion to give you some idea, some insight. I recommend it to people I know so they have a good basic starting point for knowing how to do so with some understanding, empathy and respect. It is accessible and good for someone who has very limited knowledge and wants to start gaining some without trans 101ing people.
Above all have respect of course and think how you might feel if you were asked the questions you have. It takes time to settle down, time to find yourself, a little like growing up all over again in some ways, and as with that you make mistakes and try out ideas of yourself for size before working out who you are as a rounded person. One that includes all the aspects of oneself that have been hidden and suppressed. Bear in mind that your friend might not always have clear answers yet either. It also takes time to be ready to answer things - not to mention to know if you are fine with being asked and who you are comfy talking to. I find who is asking and their reasons for asking is key to how I feel about it. A question from a friend I trust and am comfy with is very different from a stranger or an aquaintance asking the same thing. Most people I want to have the attitude you rightly pointed out "it's her life and her identity and she's entitled to do what she needs to in order to make that life a happy one" and for them to just respect that, but with other people I feel safe talking to and sharing everything with, because they are people I share the important parts of my life and self with anyway, whether trans related or not.
If you wish to offer support, let them know that you are there for them and let them decide if they want to take it up or not. Let them tell you what kind of support and what they need to talk about, if they do. Most of all, let them know you do accept them by making the effort to see and respect who they tell you they are in word and deed, without othering or judging them in ways you would not wish to be judged yourself, and without asking them questions at every turn.
Your questions about transitioning are too complex and some too personal for me to answer in this setting and also likely to be different for every trans person you might ask. I could write pages about some of them I suspect. In very short form though, one fears total rejection and the loss of all you love, violence and intolerance and never being accepted. One stands to gain a self one can like and happiness, free from hiding and pretending to be some one you are not, free from self hatred. It isn't always easy to attain because acceptance is a constant battle, one that is greatly helped by accepting and caring friends and family.
Thanks for replying, and for your patience when doing so. :) The things I'm curious about and the one question I'd actually be likely to ask ("Is there anything I can do to help?"—assiming, of course, that anyone is ever comfortable enough with me to tell me they're trans) can be very different things, but that probably wasn't clear in the post itself. That doesn't stop me from wondering, though, and that's why I wonder if my attitude is the wrong one. That and the fact I'm afraid of, as you said, "trans 101ing people".
And thanks also for the book rec—I'll track down a copy as soon as I can.
I think it is very human to be curious about other people's lives, particularly if they are unfamiliar ones to you. What makes the difference, for me, is how you deal with the difference and what you do to resolve your own curiosity :) It's one thing to go out and educate yourself, another entirely to treat someone else as a walking teaching aid!
I did see that there were two types of question you were asking and, to be blunt, I chose to answer the ones that didn't make my life into a teaching tool. If I knew someone better I might well be comfy talking about those with them. Sometimes I do write about them but only in places I feel to be trans safe, only those aspects I am comfy sharing publically and only when I choose to.
This is why context is everything and letting your friend tell you when they want to talk is important. Let her offer information when she wishes to, rather than demand it by asking uninvited.
Eep, sorry about the "teaching tool" aspect of some of the questions—it may be a bad habit, as I'm actually a teacher! Come to think of it, that may be part of the motivation behind some of the questions, simply because I wouldn't want any student of mine to feel "othered" by anything I might say or do in the classroom, and it's so easy to do that when you're in a position of ignorance. Again, thanks for your patience and your good advice.
I felt confident that you didn't have the intent to do so and were listening when I told you I found them to be so. Your OP was clearly asking for pointers on this very subject and I chose to answer from my own free will. Personally I find that a no harm done situation :)
Not everyone has the same attitudes, which is where it gets complex and why listening and sensitivity to context and individuals are so key.
I definitely agree with mfemme below btw, you can find a huge amount of knowledge on the internet, particularly trans people's blogs (among those of us who choose to share our thoughts in that way). The Questioning Transphobia blog has some excellent posts as well as being a grand source of links to other blogs. Just be cautious if you want to actively comment on them that you know where they see the line around what they will share and how they view questions. :)
I know it's been a couple of days—I've been too busy to hop online—and you may not actually see this, but in the hope that you do, here's another reply. :)
I'm glad you weren't offended; you're right, that's exactly the sort of thing that I was looking for pointers on. But it would be exactly like me to inadvertently hurt someone's feelings (and worse) while asking for advice on how to avoid doing so. *sigh*
About the trans people's blogs...thanks for recommending Questioning Transphobia, and I'll definitely look for others. I'm sure it'll make for enlightening reading, and I'm looking forward to it. To be honest, though, I doubt that I'll comment at all unless it's explicitly clear that cis people are welcome to do so (and maybe not even then). Writing a post asking for advice from willing commenters is one thing; speaking up in somebody else's safe space where I may not exactly be welcome isn't something I think I'd ever be comfortable doing. I guess that makes me a coward, but I hope that it at least makes me a polite one as well. ;)
You've been very patient and helpful when you didn't have to be, and I'm grateful for that. Thanks (once again—I seem to thank you a lot!) for all your help. :)
my first gf realized, after a year of being together that he started to realize that he identifies as a straight guy rather than a lesbian. I was very supportive, but still had a lot of questions based on my own ignorance. I found the best thing I did was immerse myself online with transgender blogs, such as Questioning Transphobia. I'd say wanting to learn more and listen more is the first step. I saw that some of the things I may have asked/wondered were so steeped in my cis privilege, I was relieved to know I hadn't said much of them out loud. honestly, it was already difficult for him to wrap his head around this and how he feels, along with other non-related things going on in his life, I felt that constantly sitting down and picking his brain about his gender identity would not come out as supportive. I chose to educate myself first, then have a dialogue with him when he wanted it. I know it may be a little different since this is your friend, not your partner, but I think it could be seen as similar.
*this is just my opinion* but before overwhelming your friend with questions, (which was what I was tempted to do) as xoros said above, questions that she may not even have the answers for yet, definitely look online and read read read. in all honesty, no i don't think it's something people can ever 100% understand without experiencing it yourself, but knowing that that doesn't invalidate other people's experiences is crucial, and it seems to me you've got that down.
Thanks for your advice, I'll definitely follow up on it. While it's my nature to be curious, I wouldn't be inclined to flood anyone with questions—I've been hesitant to mention this because it's too easy to make it sound like "I feel your pain because I've [had such-and-such-a-not-very-comparable experience], so I know what it's like for you", but I identify as bisexual (albeit with a slight leaning towards heterosexuality), and I know that I'd hate to be flooded with impertinent questions about it, so it would be hypocritical of me to do it to anyone else, no matter how curious I actually was. Asking for advice in a blog post here was a way around that—anyone who felt like responding to me could do so, but I wasn't barging in on someone else's safe space and demanding answers. :)
By the way, thanks for recommending the transgender blogs, too; I'll be sure to check out Questioning Transphobia the first chance I get. (I've been too busy to hop online in the last couple of days—that's why I'm replying to you a bit late, and I'm really hoping that you actually see this.) You've been very helpful. :)