I am new to this feminism business, and I am thrilled to say that it has changed me for the better. I have always known that I did not agree with the rules placed upon me by society, but it took me a while to fully understand what these feelings meant. Feminism has improved my life immensely. I no longer allow my physical insecurities cripple me. I no longer allow men's view of me to define who I am and who I will become. I no longer judge other women based on rumor and peer pressure. I feel more comfortable being alone. I feel much, much stronger. Feminism looks good on me.
Recently, I was faced with an issue where I felt compelled to defend my feelings, against my will, from a personal attack. I have a female co-worker whom I have always admired and respected as my definition of a feminist mover-and-shaker. She is intelligent, ambitious, and does whatever she wants whenever she wants. I considered her an ally. I sat down with her for what I had intended to be a one-on-one conversation to share my newfound identity and empowerment. Given her knowledge of my debilitating self-hate and insecurities, I thought she would be excited for me. I told her that I have discovered feminism, and she immediately raised an eyebrow in slight confusion.
"Feminism, huh?" she answered. "Why that? What's wrong with equality?"
I replied that I had always considered her a feminist role model.
"Ugh, no, I'm just a Humanist. I prefer equality among the sexes, not that women are better than men."
Surprised, I proceeded to inform her of the real fundamentals behind Feminism, that we are not above men, we only want equality, that we must constantly demand equality because we have not had it since humans were created.
"No, I am just a Humanist. Feminism is.......well......I'm not a feminist." It seemed as though she was defending herself from an onslaught of evangelistic righteousness. I simply told her that Feminism is what works for me, I am not trying to force her into it, it is simply what works for me, and why is that such a bad thing? I said that taking a stand for equality is necessary because of the male privilege that has been so ingrained in our world from the beginning of time, and we need to stand together to change it, blah blah blah. I was not telling her she must be feminist, I was just stating the reasons why I chose Feminism and why I enjoyed it and all that jazz.
She immediately snickered and rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, there really isn't anymore "male privilege!" Then, she embarrassed me by calling out to the man on the other side of the room. "Hey, Patrick, do you think there is anymore "male privilege?"
Patrick rolled his eyes and started laughing at me.
Then, my female co-worker sighed and giggled like someone who is speaking to an exasperatingly adorable child. "Oh, Anna Anna Anna, you and your quirks!" Then, when another man walked into the room, she called out, "Watch out! You're walking into another one of Anna's wild conversations!"
Maybe I shouldn't feel hurt by this treatment, because every thing I say and do is considered a joke around that place. Everyone there thinks I am a weirdo. It just stings that the one thing that helps me feel better and stronger about my perceived "weirdness" is scoffed at. I always have to defend everything I believe in, and it makes it much more difficult when I am forced to defend the one thing that makes defending easier. Why can't I follow something that heals my inner sickness and torment?
I just wanted to get that out. Thanks.
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Hi Spacey, I'm sorry that the conversation went that way. I've known many women like your coworker who are hesitant about if not hostile towards the word "feminism". My own mother, a paragon of feminism in practice, is one of these women (when I discovered feminism and told her, after the smirking and eye-rolling subsided she sort of reduced it to a cute phase I was going through - but I think it was the negative association with the term that bothered her). I think its ignorance of what feminism is and fear of being stigmatized. As we all know, feminism is/has been/and will be constantly disparaged, belittled and demonized in the media and public eye. So, I'm sorry that your co-worker reacted in such a stupid way - and even made the classic appeal to male authority to discredit you. Don't be discouraged.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. It sounds really hard to work with a group of people who won't offer much support or understanding. I hope you can find a good friend or therapist to talk to (a feminist friend or therapist would be great, but then, not everyone who embraces a given path chooses to define that path using the same words-- still, ridiculing your path and your choice of terms is entirely unacceptable). I hope you can do the absolute best you can to believe you're NOT a weirdo just because that's what's being thrown back at you by co-workers. Most all of us want to be accepted by our communities. Rejection really hurts. I hope you can find or a build a community where you don't get rejected for exploring your identity and just being yourself. I hope that for all of us.
I'm sorry that your coworker acted and ridiculed you in such a way.
However, I'm very glad that you see yourself as feminist. Welcome!! You will get others who view feminism as unnecessary or "quirky", but stay strong!
I understand how you feel. That frusturation, annoyance, and anger is how I feel when people try to tell me there is no homophobia anymore. You have every right to be upset, she should not have made you feel like a weirdo or a freak for believing in something, she could have just said "thats great for you, but im not so sure that works for me too" and I think you would have been fine with that. You didnt do anything wrong from what I can see.
You aren't weird just because you don't fit in with this particular group of people. Sadly, I think some older women who have benefitted from feminism like to gain mainstream acceptance by distancing themselves from the label once they make it into the big boy's club. They also want to keep the illusion that they alone are responsible for where they are without giving credit to people who made it possible for them to even have the choice to try to get there. It also makes them less threatening to the people in power they are now trying to impress. Lesson: just because someone has traits you admire does not mean they don't also have lots of room for improvement in other areas. Bringing 'Patrick' into what was supposed to be a private conversation shows she lacks tact and class no matter how good she may be at anything else. So, she can teach you a lot about what you want to be ans well as what you don't want to be.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You tried to have an adult conversation with someone, and it didn't work out the way you wanted.
The hardest part is trying again.
Because you're fine. Quirks and all.
"Hey Patrick! When was the last time you were afraid of being raped when you walked out to your car alone when it was dark outside?"
It sucks that she (and your other coworker) were so dismissive of you. It was uncalled for.
Win.
Ugh. That conversation that you described made ME angry! And I wasn't even there and don't even know these people! But I feel as though the exact same thing has happened to me many many times.
I know it's discouraging and upsetting and more than half the time I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. But I know it's sooo worth it (and conversations like that remind me that it's worth it). And then, every once in a while, I'm able to open someone's eyes. Maybe not completely...but a little bit. And every little bit counts.
I remember a conversation I had with one of my good friends about choice. She claimed she was pro-life because she would never get an abortion. I said I wouldn't either but that I was pro-choice. She was confused. I said my CHOICE was not to get an abortion but I would never decide what was right for anyone else. She agreed that she didn't want to make abortions illegal. I told her then that that was the same as a lot of pro-choicers and that she was, in effect, pro-choice. I had opened her eyes. She now calls herself pro-choice. I was ecstatic! It might just seem like some little insignificant thing but to me it wasn't. It was one little shining glimmer of hope in all the crap I have to wade through every day.
I am somewhat like your friend. But labels irk me period. The fact that she thought she was "pro-life" but was actually "pro-choice" or whatever to me just shows how these labels don't represent the complexity of the issue. My 2p.
You will get some really weird reactions. It was shitty for her to treat you that way when you were trying to pay her a compliment, and it was really unnecessary for her to bring someone else into the conversation just to laugh at your expense. I would pull her aside, in actual private, and explain that that really hurt you.
I've had people try to convince me that *I'm* not a feminist because they have a warped idea of what that would mean. Thats a weird argument to have.
Your co-worker was wrong for embarrassing you in front of others but you should not have discussed that type of subject in the work place; especially if you work in a corporate type of environment. Politics, which includes race,gender issues, religion, etc, should never be discussed in the work place.
I like to keep my opinion that I am fully human out of the work place. It tends to upset my co-workers, who don't feel the same way.
no one should have to deal with this, unfortunately even in the people we admire most we will see this kind of mysoginy. I don't want to sound rude here because I totally empathize but part of being in the "unpopular crowd" (which feminism definetly is) is having to deal with this. Next time you are attacked don't shirk away, fight back, and keep fighting back until they at least apoligize for the comments. You have the right to be a feminist, you have the right to believe in equality, you have the right to share your opinions with others, you have the right to fight against adversity oh and find the Why I am a feminist quote off of the internet and put it up on the wall of your cubilce or office, that should at least get the point across
Fuck her. Not only was she incredibly rude, hurtful, ignorant and cruel, but she gave a bad impression of the identity "humanist", a term I prefer for myself.
And like rebekah said, you'll get this crap a lot now that you openly identify as a feminist, but you have a community. You have our support and our sympathy. You'll never be alone in this.
And just fyi, you're courageous. You've got guts, seriously, to share like that and to stand through that insidious attack. You've clearly got the makings of someone who is strong and I think you should know that.
Thanks for the post, Spacey, and I'm sorry that this shit happened to you.
It's really hard to deal with this crap all day everyday, especially for someone who is a newly identified feminist (like you and like myself).
I know it's a small comfort, but try to remember that, as much of simplifier as this is: you're right and they're wrong. The fact that they're not willing to listen or to learn from conversations about male privilege, is pretty indicative of your intellectual engagement and their....umm....douche baggery.
I know a lot of people who don't identify as feminists/think feminism is stupid but at the very least are willing to listen and debate, which is certainly a step above the situation you found yourself in.
Good luck in the future!