I am not a usual contributor to the Feministing Community. While I read the blog & articles every day, I never really participate in the discussion. However, today I decided that I would reach out for the first time because I'm faced with a situation that is difficult to navigate and I believe this is a situation many other people probably go through as well. (In fact, there may be past posts on it but I'm not sure?)
Anyway, to get to the point... Sunday July 12th will be the nine year anniversary of the day I was raped. Every year I try not to focus on it, to forget about or ignore it. Unfortunately I can't help it - the date glares at me something awful and I dread its approach. I've spent a lot of time these past nine years working on both healing myself, as well as trying to help others and I feel like I've come a long way. I am so much stronger and consider myself a survivor. And yet, still, every year when the date approaches I feel scared and vulnerable again and I fear the memories and feelings that I have found are inevitably associated with this date.
So my question to all of you is, what do I do? How should I cope and get myself through this day in a positive, useful and progressive way? What would you suggest? If any of you have ever experienced something like this, what do you do?
Thanks in advance for reading and commenting! The Feministing Community is incredibly righteous.
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I don't have advice, except to tell you that if you ever need to talk, there are local rape crisis centers that are very welcoming and helpful.
As well, I am sure those on Feministing would be willing to lend an ear as well. And if push ever comes to shove and you need someone to vent to, you can always click on the link and find my Facebook. I don't have personal survivor experience, but I do have two eyes and ears! :)
Marc
I dont have a personal survivor experiance I apologize, but if you ever need to talk I am always here. As for coping, a close friend of mine once told me that she decided to think of that anniversary as a positive thing instead of negative. Positive being because she survived. The anniversary each year was celebrating the fact that she lived through the horrible things she experianced with all her strength and courage. I hope that helps, if it does, think of that date as the same for you aswell. It is the anniversary of a horrid event in your life, but it also marks your survival, that you lived through something so terrible and are still here. You lived through it, you are able to talk about it and live your life, and that is something to celebrate.
I also lack a rape survival experience as I was able to stop the attack before it escalated to that.
However, in terms of how to cope, I think that is something that only you can answer. If you want to spend the day engrossed in a hobby or doing something else to forget, then that's perfectly fine. If you want to take the time to reflect on who's helped you through this, that's also perfectly fine. If you want to get involved in something involving rape crisis or awareness, that's also perfectly fine.
Recovering from trauma is all about you, your needs and your mental state. When a powerful date/time comes up, trust your gut with what you should do. You may not know until the day itself arrives, but the very best thing you can do for yourself is just listen to your body and heed what it tells you. Your stress and anxiety levels will tell you the most about what you should do.
I don't know if it would be appropriate for me to offer an ear/eye to e-mail if you need it, but if you'd like to take the opportunity, I would be more than willing to give you my information. Again, the choice is yours.
I wish you all the strength you need and more to get through the day tomorrow.
About a month or so ago, on the five year anniversary of my sexual assault, I got a tattoo that symbolizes new life. Obviously this isn't for everyone, but it helped me change my associations of that date and has helped me turn a negative experience into a positive one. I think, generally, doing out of the ordinary, life affirming things can really alter your thinking and hopefully diminish some anxiety associated with the anniversary.
It has already helped me immensely already. The previous anniversaries just left me depressed and reclusive in the weeks surrounding it, whereas I was looking forward to this date. I felt like I was able to take back some control that I had lost those several years ago.
Next year, I can say its the 1 year anniversary of getting my tattoo my and not the 6th of my assault.
Love this comment. Just love it. I really like the idea of doing something on the anniversary of a tragic event to kind of rededicate that day. I've done so myself with things like trips and whatnot and they really serve to kind of create a wall, a time buffer, a new start, whatever you want to call it.
It's so awesome that you did that. I'm coming up on my five year anniversary and I am planning on doing the same as you did. I found it odd yet comforting that someone else thought to do exactly as what I have been planning.
Although I have to admit I did not think about the last bit about changing it to the anniversary I got my tattoo. I just figured if I can put something on my body that tells the story in an abstract way then it might be easier for me to put the whole thing behind me. Well as much as can be expected anyway.
Oh and my name is also Kate.
I don't know if this will help, but for me it's really important to keep myself active. I like to do something creative or something out of the ordinary. I also like to be around the person who I'm the most comfortable with, because I feel more vulnerable by myself.
Get yourself the help you need. Only you can know what help that is. It could be a professional counselor, or making sure that you have someone near to talk to. Heck, you could get that tattoo! I really like the reasoning behind Kate's tattoo.
Marc is right, we're here to listen, affirm, let you vent, look to a better future.
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ASK THIS QUESTION! I really feel you don't need to apologize for "not being a regular contributor".
get an ice cream cake
you could get like some inspirational quote on it or something too... to celebrate your defeat of adversity
Sorry you had to go through this. Both the rape and what psychologists call an "anniversary reaction"--feeling uneasy or upset when the date of a traumatic event approaches.
What I do, I'm not sure if it's for everyone--I like to watch rape-revenge movies on my anniversary, or at least skip ahead to the revenge part, and pretend it's me killing him. You may want to be hesitant trying this though because some of these types of films can have graphic rape scenes as well as graphic revenge scenes which may be triggering,--like I said I often know the plot and skip ahead.
I also tried a lot of healing type rituals with white candles, sage, sprinkling salt water and the like. Some people can benefit hugely from these sorts of things, and there are a number of them online, if you google a bit.
Whatever else you may do, you can remind yourself on your anniversary that you're still here and alive.