My father is in an emotionally abusive relationship. I don’t know how this directly correlates with feminism, but I believe all victims of abuse, including men, should be addressed in the feminist dialogue. I am in need of some advice or feedback—my family and I are currently going through a very difficult situation and I have found Feministing discussions to be always helpful and engaging.
In December, my father married a woman who seemed, at first, to be ideal—poised, successful as a businesswoman, attractive, doting, and outwardly successful. When they were in the ‘courting’ stage, she was constantly doting on him, buying him gifts, and buying the rest of the family gifts. They quickly moved in together, and bought a house.
As soon as they got married, however, things took a completely dire turn. Her behavior changed suddenly and dramatically. I would awaken at 4AM to screaming fits of rage by my stepmother (let’s call her Linda). For days she would cry and whine and complain about my father, when I see no indication that he’d been mistreating her. She would make accusations that he treats her horrendously and cheats on her all the time. I live with them—I see that he obviously cares very much about her and displays it in his actions—cooking her meals, etc. My dad doesn’t go anywhere except for home or work (so logically, cheating would be impossible).
Her out-of-control rages usually end up in her crying and seeking the comfort and sympathy of my father’s family. She would say things like, “How dare he treat someone as beautiful as me like that?” or “He doesn’t deserve me! I am a perfect person”. No matter how much we try to rationalize with her, she would place all the blame on my father and make herself out to be the victim. If we do not agree with her, she shouts and fumes. She tries to keep the family away from my father and isolate him. The most trivial thing would set her off—such as my father not remembering a shirt was bought by her. And if she is not making a complete scene, then she is completely ignoring him—not returning his calls, not talking to him at all. Respect and communication are null. She does not handle criticism well, always believing she is superior to everyone because of her “beauty” and her wealth.
It has brought waves of anxiety to my entire family, including my dad’s sister, brother-in-law, mother, and me. My grandmother is so worried and distressed about my father’s situation (he has health problems) that she is constantly trying to appease Linda, even when she is unappeasable. The fact is when she forces us to listen to her make unfounded accusations against my father’s very character—even demonizing him—she does not listen to us in turn. I can already see the detriments to my father’s self-esteem and health. He is constantly anxious about doing even the slightest thing to offend her—and so is the rest of my family. My dad’s little sister, to whom she goes to vilify my father, is developing a sense of anxiety and fear as well.
It was only very recently that I learned to characterize Linda’s behavior as abuse. Before I thought this is just an aberration in her character, that she is isolated in her ability to manipulate others. But then I was researching it online yesterday, and indeed this behavior <a href="http://www.therapeutic-stories.com/articles/abusivewoman.pdf">is characterized as</a> emotional
abuse, and possibly of personality disorders like borderline or narcissistic disorders. It is just scary to me that in this particular list of traits, all of them apply to her (except for the child portion, but we’ll soon find out because her daughter is moving in soon).
Being a feminist, I tend to think of “abuse” in terms of domestic and emotional violence perpetrated by men toward women. But recent events shaping in my family have enlightened me to the fact that spousal abuse by women is entirely possible. And that the situation is incredibly delicate, but I fear for my father’s health and his mental well-being. He wants to keep this all from me, but it is clear that I have witnessed it myself.
Any thoughts or comments would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for reading.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Emotionally Abusive Women.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/15265
Definitely, feminism can and should speak to this. Especially since there's this narrative that men can't be the victims of this sort of thing--it silences people and shames them.
This is totally a side point, but I do cringe a little when personality disorders are casually associated with abusive behavior. When someone goes "Person X is abusive, maybe it's borderline personality disorder" without qualifying that statement or understanding it, all sorts of new complications arise and it helps to demonize people with BPD (or whatever other condition it is). I'm not sure that diagnosing Linda with some sort of mental health condition would even help your dad. She's abusive, why associate that with a psychological illness? He can get help without it. And it sounds like he has a strong enough support network, including you, to get that help.
I mean, my mom has BPD, I don't want her associated with this lady. Even though this doesn't sound like the BPD I know. Still. *shudder*
I agree about the importance of acknowledging that men can be victims. As a mentally ill person myself, it seems like a rush to judgment to pin this on a mental illness. It really sounds more like a personality disorder to me.
Personality disorders are a form of mental illness
Meant to say "another mental illness." Sorry.
I'm sorry for jumping into that conclusion in that sentence--it was meant to reflect the conclusion of the article I (unsuccessfully) linked, but more and more I think what's happening with Linda is a case of narcissism. I think what knowing about it can do is help ground us in how to go about interacting with her. There are several books on narcissistic personality disorder and I will try and read these to get a better understanding. (honeybadger)
Yeah, I figured it was something in the article more than something you yourself were saying. Thanks for understanding! Just remember that not all narcissistic people have NPD, and that seeing Linda as a person with NPD is probably irrelevant anyway. However, there are probably a few books out there written for the families of people with NPD, and those might have a lot of useful information for your dad.
Mental illnesses can often be treated so long as the sick person is willing. Psychologists and counsellors have a variety of techniques that can include medication.
This is a tricky issue. If someone you care about has a mental illness their behaviour can cause you immense hurt and distress. But the person in question often has very little control over their actions, it can take immense concentration for them to avoid those behaviours; sometimes that concentration is unsustainable.
It is entirely reasonable for someone to decide that they can no longer deal with that behaviour from their partner or friend. But it is often a painful decision because separation takes away support from the sick person when they need it most.
Then there is the question as to what to do later. The person who left (separated themselves from the sick person) may decide they cannot rekindle that relationship with the person when they recover. Rekindling the relationship can easily trigger the feelings that the left person felt during their friend's or partner's illness. Yet this can result in a feeling of immense sorrow and unfairness in the person who recovers from mental illness - they feel like they are being treated as the illness they have worked to rid themselves of rather than the person they are. It comes down to deciding if the previous relationship is worth enough to you to get through that initial period of uneasiness.
There are no right answers here. If someone close to you is suffering from such an illness, even if they are seeking treatment things will be very difficult and emotional for the both of you no matter what action is taken on your part.
"This is a tricky issue. If someone you care about has a mental illness their behaviour can cause you immense hurt and distress. But the person in question often has very little control over their actions, it can take immense concentration for them to avoid those behaviours; sometimes that concentration is unsustainable."
I think that is a little patronising to people with mental illnesses. If a person is not in control of their actions, then who is?
To say it is the mental illness that determines somebody's behaviour, does nothing but define them in terms of that illness. Yet we are far more than that.
People (even mentally ill people) have a responsibility for the consequences of their actions. If somebody struggles with a problem (eg. anger) then they have a responsibility to deal with that regardless of whether or not its labelled as a mental illness. If somebody knows that their actions are abusive, then they have a choice to seek help and/or remove themselves from situations in which they harm others.
p.s. i agree with those other comments about a mental illness diagnosis being irrelevant, and i apologise that this comment is slightly off-topic, and so this is going to be my only one
"I think that is a little patronising to people with mental illnesses. If a person is not in control of their actions, then who is?"
Not at all. Obviously it depends upon the type of mental illness. But speaking from personal experience I can tell you that is accurate. Sometimes you can have very limited control, some forms of mental illness are more powerful than drug addiction. Do not underestimate the affects that changes in brain chemistry can have on a person.
"If somebody knows that their actions are abusive, then they have a choice to seek help and/or remove themselves from situations in which they harm others."
True, that is the correct action to take. It is not easy though. Especially as there is still a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness. And logistically it is not always easy to remove yourself from a situation.
"People (even mentally ill people) have a responsibility for the consequences of their actions. If somebody struggles with a problem (eg. anger) then they have a responsibility to deal with that regardless of whether or not its labelled as a mental illness. If somebody knows that their actions are abusive, then they have a choice to seek help and/or remove themselves from situations in which they harm others."
It depends on the mental illness. Some illnesses completely alter the brain chemistry of the individual and may require them to be on highly potent psychotropic drugs that can have devastating effects, such as a state of non-emotion (I honestly cannot remember the term for this). I don't think it's a black and white situation.
"If a person is not in control of their actions, then who is?"
Just to add to this. I used to think something very similar. I used to think, 'If a person isn't their own thoughts then who are they,' but that is too simple. Thinking this way is actually one of the things that makes mental illness so insidious. The ill person keeps thinking that yes they can get past it, they are in control, all they have to do is try harder and this prevents them from seeking help.
You have to acknowledge that you aren't in control of your emotions and emotional behaviours in order to seek help.
"Definitely, feminism can and should speak to this. Especially since there's this narrative that men can't be the victims of this sort of thing--it silences people and shames them..."
I totally agree! Also, doesn't the "narrative that men can't be the victims of this sort of thing" discourage guys who aren't victims from even trying to empathize with female and intersex victims?
"...This is totally a side point, but I do cringe a little when personality disorders are casually associated with abusive behavior. When someone goes "Person X is abusive, maybe it's borderline personality disorder" without qualifying that statement or understanding it, all sorts of new complications arise and it helps to demonize people with BPD (or whatever other condition it is)...I mean, my mom has BPD, I don't want her associated with this lady. Even though this doesn't sound like the BPD I know. Still. *shudder*"
For that matter, what about other people who suffer mental illnesses, don't already have diagnoses, and want to get help but fear the "mentally ill = excused to abuse" stereotype that seems common in some cultures?
This sounds like a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder or some other sort of personality disorder. Clearly this woman is manipulating and abusing your father and I'm glad that you acknowledge the emotional abuse going on here.
I think it's best to try to confront her on her behavior. If that doesn't work, maybe therapy. She has to know what she is doing and probably has some deep-seated insecurity and need for control. That problem has to be resolved before your family moves forward. I think that your stepmother's problem's need to be resolved and no amount of reassurance from your father will do that.
I disagree that confrontation is a good idea.
I think perhaps that for honeybadger it would be better to be supportive of her father. Abusers isolate and distort the reality of their victim, which is exactly what Linda is doing. Confronting that directly could be dangerous at worst, unproductive at best and would probably make honeybadger's father feel he has to defend Linda.
Support is often the best choice. We can't make Linda change, and we can't make honeybadger's father leave. What can be done is support the father to compensate for that tactic of isolation and reality distortion which Linda is using.
Labeling Linda's behaviour as mental illness is really neither here nor there at the moment - it's not going to change it. What matters is honeybadger's and her fathers wellbeing.
In my work with survivors of abusive relationships one thing I have noticed is that if the victim has one person they can talk to, to validate their reality it goes a long way to helping them have the courage to eventually leave, and the strength to survive in the relationship while they stay.
All that said, honeybadger, look after yourself. You can't help your dad if you are not caring for yourself. I wish you all the best.
Thank you for this good advice.
I think as a family we will wait for a time when Linda will be away for a weekend and invite my father over. Then we will discuss the situation at hand with him and express our full support. The best case scenario is that he decides on his own that it's not worth the decimation of his stability, self-worth, and well-being. We will try our best. (honeybadger)
I don't know your dad, but please be gentle when you speak with him. Most people in abusive relationships know deep down that they are abusive, and the last thing you want to do is make him feel he has to side with Linda - for his pride/self worth/self esteem/sticking up for his partner etc.
This is how he will feel if you come on all heavy and 'intervention' style with him about all Linda's faults.
(((((hugs)))))
PS, I speak not only as a professional but as someone who has survived an abusive relationship.
"...Support is often the best choice. We can't make Linda change, and we can't make honeybadger's father leave. What can be done is support the father to compensate for that tactic of isolation and reality distortion which Linda is using...
"...In my work with survivors of abusive relationships one thing I have noticed is that if the victim has one person they can talk to, to validate their reality it goes a long way to helping them have the courage to eventually leave, and the strength to survive in the relationship while they stay..."
Thank you for summing it up better than I've ever seen it summed up before!
"...Labeling Linda's behaviour as mental illness is really neither here nor there at the moment - it's not going to change it. What matters is honeybadger's and her fathers wellbeing..."
Right on.
"...I wish you all the best."
Me too!
I wish I could add something more useful than "BTW, if my family and I can complain about being awakened at 4 AM to loved ones who forgot to check the time zones before calling, your and your father definitely don't deserve to put up with being awakened at 4 AM to screaming fits of rage," but it's all been said here better than I could say it.
My dad's wife is a woman similar to this, and I would say my dad's wife has all the symptoms for narcissistic personality disorder.
HOWEVER, I would advise against letting this woman use any "disorder" to her advantage, because that is exactly what my dad's wife has done.
She doesn't know her disorders, though, and claims she has obsessive compulsive disorder (because she wants everyone to do what she says, and if only they would do what she wants, "everything would be perfect.")
She went to a psychiatrist a few times, and he told her she had "control issues." That's when she self-diagnosed herself with OCD, essentially telling all of us that we should just do as she says so she can deal with things better.
People sit in silence as she goes on her tirades about how everyone around her is ruining her life. NO ONE confronts her, because she acts like such a maniac. Whenever I've seen anyone call her out on the simplest thing, she blows up and is relentless in making the other person back down. So there's no winning.
I don't see this situation changing unless your dad is willing to stand up to her and call her out (on every occasion). Which that might lead to even worse behavior and threats from her. My dad's situation hasn't changed. When anyone confronted him about her behavior we were told to "learn to deal with it" like he has. My dad will just ignore things and seems to be in denial, even though I think he really understands what's going on deep down. So just ignoring things has been easier than dealing with divorce threats, pouting, fighting, etc.
I think it may be hard for him (or anyone being abused) to address the situation. But since it seems early enough in the relationship, I would try to deal with it now (instead of witnessing it drag on for 10 years like me and only get worse).
I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this same horrible situation! That describes it to a T: NO ONE is willing to confront her because she acts like such a maniac. Every day is an exercise of trying not to offend her or to cause a blowup...My very fear is my father just denying that it is happening to him. God, I hope we could somehow get out. (honeybadger)
I wouldn't jump to conclusions about a possible personality disorder either, since you would probably have noticed this behavior in her well before your father married her. I'm more interested in the timing of this behavior change. Getting married is one of the greatest stressors one can experience. Perhaps the stress surrounding the marriage triggered something. Whatever the reason behind her abusive behavior, it's very important that all three of you get some family counseling. If you and your father can't convince her to go, maybe just the two of you can seek counseling initially. A phone call from the impartial counselor who sees there's a serious problem could convince her to join you. I just don't think it would do much good if only one of you gets help, even if that one person is your father's wife.
This comment has been deleted because it violates our comment policy.
Even though you're clearly an MRA here to cause problems, and even though this story is mostly likely fabricated out of thin air, i feel compelled for some reason to point out that what you described is not verbal abuse. A women complaining about her cheating spouse, or having hurt feelings, is NOT abuse, as much as batterers would like it to be so they have an excuse to physcially "fight back". Sorry.
Take a read of Woman's Inhumanity to Woman by Phylis Chesller. It will help you understand a bit about emotional abuse.
Which is what the OP was referring to, not verbal abuse. Emotional.
And you responded like the OP asked for help on how to physically beat down her mother-in-law. That is no where in there.
At all.
Well, manonthestreet, joining a feminist community was a great step towards "avoiding women altogether".
This forum is intended to be one of the few corners of the world where WE can avoid misogyny, and taking time and energy out of your day to destroy that is the very defintion of destructive and self-centered. you fucking prick!!!
Another warning flag that everyone missed (pretending, i mean ASSUMING that this story is real) is that we have a women saying that she is abused and mistreated, and instead of listening to her, trying to find out more, and trying to help her, her entire family has characterized her as abusive for simply mentioning it!
if this ever happens in real life honeybadger, if a woman confides in you that she is being abused, your gut reaction should not be to demonize her, but to find out as much as you can and support her, so that she can re-build her self-esteem and leave.
Seeing as how the informant is living within the household it seems entirely reasonable to believe her interpretation of events.
Also, if you'd bothered to click on the link associated with the poster's handle you'd probably have been much less likely to ascribe the post to an MRA.
"A women complaining about her cheating spouse, or having hurt feelings, is NOT abuse, as much as batterers would like it to be so they have an excuse to physcially "fight back". Sorry."
If they were complaints of a cheating spouse you would have a point, but these have been described as unfounded accusations – there is a marked difference. Verbal and emotional abuse IS abuse whether it is a man or a woman that is engaging in it.
A woman has come to the community seeking advice on a disturbing situation for someone close to her, your response seems innappropriate and paranoid.
Thank you for clarifying for me kandela. I am frustrated that someone would accuse us of abusing when I tried to clearly address the fact that no one is being victimized except for my father.
In the beginning we empathized and listened to Linda and berated my father, but after months and months of her just showing up and screaming about every little thing (with no evidence) we have learned that it's not her who is being victimized. In addition, she threw tantrums about my father helping me with college tuition and doesn't allow him to see his own family without her!
I'm not sure if this is about empathizing with her, when she clearly does not empathize with anyone else...
Okay, I'm the original poster here, and I'm going to clarify some things for you. First, I posted this because this indeed is happening to me and making an elaborate story up just doesn't fit in with my schedule.
Secondly, NO ONE IN MY FAMILY has abused or mistreated her. In fact, my aunt and grandmother BELIEVED her at first and empathized with her. But no matter what we did or what we suggested, she would continue demonizing my father. There was a point where she told different stories to different people. She also refused to empathize with us.
Last time there was a blowup, she screamed at my father because he took my friend and me to a festival in the city on my request. She said he should have been finding schools for her daughter instead.
And on your comment about a woman complaining, please read my linked article. It will differentiate between abuse and complaining and crying.
http://www.therapeutic-stories.com/articles/abusivewoman.pdf
Let's cut to the chase:
Linda is crazy and there is nothing your father can do about it. Assuming all things as presented here are accurate, she does have a major Personality Disorder and these character issues are not easily treated in therapy. In fact, the success rate is practically nil and even moreso when the patient lacks insight or motivation to change. He can't change Linda, so the only solution is to leave Linda. His life is certain to be a living hell if he does not.
Like others said, though, it really doesn't matter why she acts this way. She abuses him, it hurts, and it cannot continue. He can't change her so he has to alter his own behavior, to control how he responds to this mess. Making excuses for her behavior is just a stalling tactic favored by codependent people and it will only prolong this misery. Even if you know,for instance, that she is this way because of a horrible childhood that doesn't make it acceptable for her to hurt your father. He can't relive her childhood for her and reraise her, so the same solution stands.
Wow, "crazy?" That's pretty damn offensive. And personality disorders are often treatable, just not usually curable. Please take Psych 101 or open up a book before you practically condemn people with personality disorders as "crazy" and beyond help.
"Wow, 'crazy?' That's pretty damn offensive. And personality disorders are often treatable, just not usually curable. Please take Psych 101 or open up a book before you practically condemn people with personality disorders as 'crazy' and beyond help."
I got the impression that Crumpet called the abuser "crazy" and condemned her because she's abusive, not because she might have a personality disorder.
Personally, I'm cool with condemning abusers and I don't care whether or not they feel offended. At the same time I totally understand fearing a reprisal from abusers who feels offended (a la "I'd better be quiet until I can run, if s/he feels even more offended s/he might attack again even sooner...") and I do care about people feeling that fear.
I agree, condemn abusers. They abuse. Simple. But Crumpet used the word "crazy" not in context of Linda's abusive behavior, but in context of personality disorders. Condemning people with personality disorders for their conditions is ableist.
(That having been said, people with mental illnesses that harm their loved ones do have certain amounts of responsibility for their actions, as several people have pointed out.)
For your obviously very limited information, I am a licensed therpist with 14 years experience in a variety of community settings. In all reality, I've already forgotten more about mental illness than you will ever know, but that's another talk show.
Personality disorders are not very treatable simply because those who have them rarely have insight into the fact that they have a problem and, if they do get into treatment, do not tend to stay in therapy becuase they cannot handle confronting their issue due to their dysfunctional defense mechanisms. It's also known by any experienced practitioner that some personality disorders are in fact exacerbated by the therapeutic process because sometimes the increased attention adds fuel to the flame. This is especially true for some with Borderline Personality Disorder. It's the same as with many batterers and rapists who have Antisocial Personality Disorder....the success rate for treatment is very low for them,too, and mostly for the same reasons.
'Crazy'isn't a clinical term and I'm not here in a clinical, professional capacity so I don't need to mince words to keep from stepping on your toes.
I believe that DBT has been shown to be effective with people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
But you are correct that personality disorders are difficult to treat for a number of reasons.
For your obviously very limited information, I am a licensed therpist with 14 years experience in a variety of community settings. In all reality, I've already forgotten more about mental illness than you will ever know, but that's another talk show.
Personality disorders are not very treatable simply because those who have them rarely have insight into the fact that they have a problem and, if they do get into treatment, do not tend to stay in therapy becuase they cannot handle confronting their issue due to their dysfunctional defense mechanisms. It's also known by any experienced practitioner that some personality disorders are in fact exacerbated by the therapeutic process because sometimes the increased attention adds fuel to the flame. This is especially true for some with Borderline Personality Disorder. It's the same as with many batterers and rapists who have Antisocial Personality Disorder....the success rate for treatment is very low for them,too, and mostly for the same reasons.
'Crazy'isn't a clinical term and I'm not here in a clinical, professional capacity so I don't need to mince words to keep from stepping on your toes.
Let's cut to the chase:
Linda is crazy and there is nothing your father can do about it. Assuming all things as presented here are accurate, she does have a major Personality Disorder and these character issues are not easily treated in therapy. In fact, the success rate is practically nil and even moreso when the patient lacks insight or motivation to change. He can't change Linda, so the only solution is to leave Linda. His life is certain to be a living hell if he does not.
Like others said, though, it really doesn't matter why she acts this way. She abuses him, it hurts, and it cannot continue. He can't change her so he has to alter his own behavior, to control how he responds to this mess. Making excuses for her behavior is just a stalling tactic favored by codependent people and it will only prolong this misery. Even if you know,for instance, that she is this way because of a horrible childhood that doesn't make it acceptable for her to hurt your father. He can't relive her childhood for her and reraise her, so the same solution stands.
Some thoughts from someone who dated a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive -
Why all the discussion about personality disorders and mental illnesses when the abuser is a woman? It's sort of parallel to the Jon & Kate discussion, where Kate's abuse is labeled "bitchiness" and "shrewness" and stuff. When men are abusive, they're just abusive. I'll bet that if I took the time to analyze my abusive ex, I'd find some evidence of NPD, but no one ever subjects men to this sort of consideration.
For the OP, the thing that snapped me out of my delusions about my ex (although not right away - it took some time) was a book - I THINK it was The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans (it's been about 7 years since I read it, so I'm fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure it was this one). It's not a perfect book, and it pretty much focuses on male-on-female abuse, but it was the one thing that awakened me to the fact that my then-boyfriend was exhibiting a pattern of behavior that was common to all abusers, and that he was NOT a special flower who I just needed to learn how to be around. That realization was such an eye-opening, freeing moment, and is perhaps one your dad could benefit from. I wish your family luck and safety.
BTW - the gift giving you mentioned your dad's wife does is identical to what my ex would do. Giving material things was the only way he knew how to express affection, and every time I turned around, he was buying me something new even when I asked him to stop. I wonder if this is a common thread among verbal abusers?
The article I linked was written by Patricia Evans--but in fact, it is called "The Abusive Woman", so perhaps she did later address the flip side to the abusive relationship.
Indeed, this was EXACTLY my reaction to the article--that my stepmother indeed was "NOT the special flower" and this behavior is defined. In fact, I've been researching more and it seems like many abusers use the tactic of gifts and material things but not of understanding or empathy in the beginning to lure people into relationships. (honeybadger)
This is certainly a good thing to keep in mind - there plenty of people very much like your stepmother. I've run across (without really looking) about a dozen accounts pretty similar to yours in all the major details. Refusing to let him see family/friends without her around is always a central feature, and you're right to be worried about it - don't let her succeed in driving you and the rest of your family away from your father.
Ah, I saw "Nancy Davis" on the byline of your linked article - was there another one by Patricia Evans?
Despite my complaint about trying to tie female abusers to a mental illness, I do sort of like that the article you linked communicates that this person is NOT going to change. One of the complaints I had about the Patricia Evans book I mentioned is that it gave suggestions for how to make a relationship work in some situations - whereas I thought that the only thing the author should have advocated was, "GET OUT." These relationships just do not get better, primarily for the reasons that your linked article states. They don't believe there is anything wrong with them, and that everyone ELSE is the problem.
Interesting about your research showing that gift-giving is common. Even though I long ago realized my ex's behavior was a common pattern, I never considered the gift giving part of it! I always thought of it as being a result of his father doing the same thing to him, and that he therefore learned that's how you show affection. Funny how I'm still learning more about it after all these years! If you can believe it, I once said to him, "I would really prefer it if you stopped buying me gifts and would just stop being mean to me instead." He replied, "But you LIKE it when I buy you nice things." Oy.
"These relationships just do not get better, primarily for the reasons that your linked article states. They don't believe there is anything wrong with them, and that everyone ELSE is the problem."
I agree with you here. However, there are rare occasions when the sick person does recognise there is something wrong with them and is seeking help, this was behind my earlier comment:
"Mental illnesses can often be treated so long as the sick person is willing."
I won't dispute you on that.
However.
I would never, ever tell a victim in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship that he or she might change if they recognize something is wrong. My advice to anyone who was in my shoes or the OP's dad's shoes is LEAVE.
Perhaps the abuser will be one of those rare occasions and recognize something is wrong and seek help. Great for them, they'll live a happier, healthier life afterwards and maybe they'll find a new partner who they won't abuse. But the victim doesn't need to, SHOULDN'T, hinge their future on hoping that the abuser will go this direction. It's not safe or healthy.
All whales are mammals.
Therefore, all mammals are whales.
(This is what happens with "abusers have personality disorders" - it somehow will get magically garbled into "Therefore, people with personality disorders are abusers".
As others have pointed out, please, please please separate the question.
Also, everyone has the right to be safe from abuse, whether or not the abuse is intentional.
This not does mean that all abuse is necessarily the result of an intentional (non-disordered) frame of mind. It doesn't have to mean that.
The latter is a separate question.