Honestly, I think the most important thing you can do is model the sort of gender dynamics you believe in for your daughters (and sons, for those who have them). There's no way to shut out the world around us or the people in it, but you can at least show your children that another way is possible and better. Your kid could never see a copy of Glamour or watch a Seth Rogan movie in her life, but if in your home the women do all the housework and the men talk over women/interrupt them, then the message that women are secondary is going to get instilled. I believe the converse is also true - if the most basic relationships in your kids' lives evince gender equality, I think they'll be able to critically recognize situations where women are marginalized, and realize that this is not "natural" or "the way things are", since they've intimately seen a counter example which becomes the standard for them.

At least for me, I feel like my son growing up in a home with two parents who share the money-making and the childcare and other tasks equally, and generally respect one another, will be his most important lesson in gender roles. As he grows up and is able to participate in discussion, I'll certainly point out and discuss with him when we "gender stereoypes" (for lack of a better word), but the fact is those stereotypes are the reality of how many people live and understand their lives. We can't get away from them, we can only try to change them through example and persuasion.

Well my short answer would be no, of course we can never do enough. But I also think that that answer is a product of the way the question is being framed here, and of how it is usually framed. I'm a mom too, trying to raise a feminist boy, and I really know how you feel and ask myself similar questions all the time.

Look: patriarchy is huge, an institution built up over time with near-infinite supporting structures and practices. One parent can not and should not be expected to battle that, perfectly and effectively, every day. There is no perfect feminist parent or perfect feminist way of parenting.

And why should there be? Our parents were none of them perfect feminist parents, and here we all are. They did some things we disagreed with and some that helped plant the seeds of our own feminism. Our children will love some of our own parenting choices, dislike but respect others, hate others still.

So decide what's most important to you, as a feminist parent. My goals are to teach my son to respect all people, and to be self-aware when making his own decisions. So toward these goals I'm modeling respecting people; having friends of different races and sexualities and supporting his friendships. I'm teaching him how to express anger constructively, how to deal with frustration, without using violence. He's three right now, so the lessons will change over time- I am already thinking about teaching him to talk back to the media (to be aware of sexism in commercials, for example) and I expect that school will naturally bring up questions of race, class, gender, sexuality, and all kinds of things I've never thought of.

Speaking of things I've never thought of- even if any of us could be perfect feminist parents right now, feminism and the world around us are always changing. Our children will be dealing with challenges we've never dreamed of, and the only way we can prepare them is to give them the tools to figure it out for themselves. If we seem to have it all under control and to always know what to do, they will be terrified of meeting new challenges, of making mistakes. Let 'em see you f*** up now and then, and apologize and try harder the next time. It's good for them.

So if your daughters want to dress up as Disney princesses, support their decision. Pay attention to their play- you might find that their idea of what a princess does doesn't match the media's (I know mine didn't). If the dresses seem to embody a passive viewpoint on life, challenge that. Or balance out time spent as princesses with time spent as something more active. Strive to plant seeds, not to perform extreme makeovers. And don't be too hard on yourself.

Solidarity, mamas! When I found out I was having a boy, I had the inverted freak out of, "How do I let my son be who he wants to be while fighting off a world with such warped notions of masculinity and femininity?"

So I bought this in postcard form to hang in his room: http://www.crimethinc.com/tools/posters/gender_subversion_front.pdf

There was a recent discussion on the mothering.com forums started by a mom who let her son wear pink nail polish (he's four) and the totally inane and inappropriate comments she got from strangers out and about.

I don't know if we can ever do enough, but we can take bold steps everyday by making sure our homes are safe places for kids to be kids and not concerned about policing their gender roles. I think you're on the right track, and I hope that being raised in a household where equality is modeled and non-normative masculinity is displayed will put my son on the path to liberation as well.

"Is it enough for me not to buy pink or otherwise gendered toys?"

Wrong way to do it. Buy pink and gendered toys - also every other colour (if you can find them - dam hard these days) and all gendered toys. I have done this with my boys and encouraged speech about gender related matters. Then I watched all my good work undone when they went to school and caught onto all the gender related stuff, but they have a good basis to fall back on and I never let any kind of bias in their speech or opinions go. They have dress up costumes across the span from pink sparkly to the incredible hulk and regularly mix and match the range. I think drama and costume play is a great resource to let kids be whateve they want to be and feel any feelings that might not be appropriate in the tightly gender streamed schools and play groups they mix in. Parenting - hardest job in the world!!

As a girl with totally kickass feminist parents, the best advice that I can give you is to encourage your daughters to be assertive. Support their rights to have their own opinions, encourage them to speak out against people with ignorant, hateful opinions, and tell them that their voices are important. The best thing that my mother ever did for me was to tell me, over and over again from a very young age, that it was okay, and encouraged, to stand up to fellow students and teachers when they did something I thought was wrong. I knew that she valued my assertiveness and independence, and that planted the seeds of my feminism today.

There are also relatively good or even excellent books, Web sites, tv shows, magazines, newspapers, and movies out there. Some exposure to intelligent, humane media can not only stimulate the imagination but facilitate kids' ability to evaluate more critically the layers of sexist messages that are pervasive in the mass media.

I've been thinking a lot about this since my daughter was born in 2007.

I know that I do a lot of the obvious and explicit things to try to help my baby girl develop a feminist sensibility, but I also think that so much of what she's learning comes from what she understands as important to us.

We've read to her since she was a newborn and now, at just two, she's a voracious reader. We've shown her that reading and learning are important without telling her.

We listen to a lot of music and talk politics and take her to rallies and make jokes, and now she's a big Kimya Dawson fan, can identify Obama's voice on the radio in .02 seconds, and is quite the little jokester. We've shown her that humor and community and polics are important without telling her.

And I think by modeling what's important, we've also started to teach her - implicitly - what is not. She doesn't wear baby booty shorts or have a Bratz doll.

Beyond that, I've also been very cautious about not teaching her to define people solely by gender. When we were teaching her to talk, we'd identify men and women as "grown-ups" and boys and girls as "kids" or "babies" depending on their age - all gender-neutral terms. And while she's now figured out that she and Mama are both "girls" and I want her to be so, so, so proud of that, I'm also proud that she doesn't categorize people according to old-fashioned, bullshit definitions of gender.

Sorry for the rambling! I haven't even scratched the surface on how I feel about this topic.

One small reccomendation I have is to limit the amount of mirrors in your household and not have a scale at all. It is not healthy for girls to look at themselves all the time - they should have to go seek out the mirror in the bathroom, not constantly be focusing on their appearance as they just hang around the house. Not having a scale has been a really good way for me to not focus excessively on my weight- I actually don't even know what it is currently.

Even though I don't have kids, I have a lot of feminist parent friends and I've made the following observations:

1) Sexism is a lot more deeply ingrained than people think. I've known guys who were very eager to attempt to have an egalitarian, pro-feminist child-rearing environment, but eventually answered the clarion call of privilege and stepped back and left 90% of the work to mom. I can't diagnose why this is but I *do* know that behavior modeling like that is absolutely poisonous. Never let your boys think that mom is there to pick up and cook and clean. Never let your girls think that their job is to clean up after men.

2) Raising your daughter "not to be a girly girl" should be examined -- you don't want to raise a girl who feels that there's something "wrong" with her gender. By all means, you can tackle the consumerism and the gender-driven product placement, but if your daughter wants to wear a pink shirt, just let her or else she'll get fixated on stuff she can't have. I'm not exactly a huge fan of the color pink, but it amazes me how people spew all sorts of bile at gendered girls toys and insist on raising their girl like a boy instead of as a human... we never get upset that people buy their boys dump trucks and robot toys and space ships, but somehow a princess castle playset is this horrible gender ghetto. Frankly, a skirt can be a nice thing to run around in on a hot day.

3) Finally, and this is a little bit related to the previous point, I've seen this happen a lot. Couple has a girl. Declare they would like their child not to have gendered toys or clothing. Grandparents, who, while raising the couple (respectively), never bought gendered toys or clothing, suddenly go apeshit and lavish gendered toys and clothing all over their granddaughter against the wishes of the parents. (Same thing for obnoxious toys). It's often not the parents who bring this nonsense into their child's life, it's grandparents (again, this has been my observation).

But one other thing I've noticed: checking out clothing sections at stores, I get pretty annoyed that anything later than 3 months is pretty heavily gendered. Kids are absolutely hammered with messages of gender conformity, honestly, I think it's the worst it may have been. So just try to shop both sides of the aisle, as it were, and let your kid figure out what he/she prefers.

It is the worse it has ever been Mighty Ponygirl. My mother is absolutely shocked with the division. Even trying to get clothes for my boys with a bit of colour on is a hassle - everything is drab and horrid. But, it must be the way that people want it to be as commercially it would be a failure!

I'm too lazy to write it out again, so I'm just gonna copy and paste the answer I posted on a similar thread on a different blog a few days ago:

I think the most important thing kids can emerge from childhood with are critical thinking skills. They’re unavoidably going to be exposed to all sorts of crap in the media and other assorted pop culture mediums, so the best thing you can do is talk, talk, talk with them. Model critical thinking (”I don’t really like the princess stories because they tell you that…”), and encourage them to discuss things with you and be critical of the things they see and hear. My 5 y/o stepdaughter already says things like “I don’t think that was a very nice thing to say, because…” and “that commercial makes girls look silly.” I take these comments to be signs of success. Of course, kids who have these kinds of critical and argumentation skills aren’t always easy to deal with (you can’t pull the old “because I said so” shtick, and they learn to approach each discussion well-prepared: “you should let me have a slumber party for the following three reasons…”), but in the long-run they’re better served by these kinds of skills than by indoctrination.

my mother did her best to raise me as a feminist but in retrospect i can see a few ways that she could have done a better job that probably wouldn't have even struck her as parenting choices at the time. a big one is that she was always hyper critical of her looks and her body. as a child your parents are the most beautiful people to you and to hear them put themselves down is very confusing and i feel like it can lead to a mistrust of your own perception of beauty. she was also always concerned that she was overweight, when she was far from it based on photos, and as a roly poly child that was also a confusing and disturbing message.

so like someone above said being a good role model is a huge way to impart good messages to your kids. and not just in being a role model in your interactions with others but in how you treat yourself as well.

My favorite story from my BFF is when her son (almost three) dressed up as a superhero on "costume day" at his day care...but his idea of superhero included glass slippers too!! Too cute!

other adults who praise only my girls’ appearance while simultaneously encouraging “strong, smart” boys etc

I'm not sure if you have a son as well, and I don't want to turn this into a discussion of raising boys, but I don't find that people encourage smart boys either. Strong, yes. Rambuntious, yes. Smart just doesn't seem to be something we encourage much in children regardless of their sex or gender.

As for my daughter, my goal isn't to keep her from non-feminist influences, though I will admit that I try to do so now. She's only 2, and I think she is young enough that others could influence her easily.

My husband and I model androgyny when it comes to domestic work and child-rearing. As our children age, we assign them chores based on ability, not gender. We also talk a lot about politics and culture - and tell them when we think a situation we witnessed was wrong. Those conversations will be part of their everyday experience growing up. Of course I'm also a graduate student in Gender Studies, so that influences my daughter's experiences.

I also think, though, that it's our job to have other people around who model what we want to see. Their aunt is an engineer for NASA. A close (female) friend is a senior-level software developer. The families we spend time with have similar political philosphies to us. It's all about creating a total experience that demonstrates what we believe.

The other thing I see - and I don't know how to solve this problem universally yet - is that my children have never been in full-time childcare. My husband and I have some flexibility in our schedules. We also have a part-time nanny who's a pre-med student. In that environment, we can control what they learn, but what I saw in daycares when we were considering that route was that even the best ones enforced gendered play. I'm not sure what you do if your child is in that environment 10 hours a day during the formative years.

My parents did a very good job with me. I was an only child and my father I think had always wanted a son too, so I got to play with Hotwheels and toy trains and a lot of traditional "boy toys". I also had lots of pink, Barbies, and princess things, but I was given a chance to try a lot of different things and my parents didn't assume I only wanted "girl toys". So I grew up loving things intended for both genders. My favorite color until I was about seven was blue, and from seven to eleven it was green. My favorite toys were my trains, my dolly, and my super-soaker. I like pink much more now as a teenager than I did as a little girl. I know for years I wanted to be a doctor until when I was about eight and I realized I was extremely uncomfortable around blood. Now I am more of a girly girl but still a nerd with some interests few other girls share. At the very least I've never felt like I couldn't do something or that I had to do something else just because I was a girl.

I don't agree with keeping your girls away from pink and glitter unless they time and again show they aren't interested in it, just like I wouldn't want parents keeping boys away from it. Just give them options. Buy them toys intended for both genders as well as whatever you can find that's not gendered (this is harder than it should be). Also, make sure you arrange playdates with other children who's parents don't force them into gender roles because regardless what you teach or encourage if every girl they know only likes pink and princesses they'll feel pressured to only like that too. I know as a kid I had a hard time fitting in as I wasn't really like the girly girls, but I wasn't athletic enough to be a tomboy. If I had been more desperate to fit in I would've had to force myself into one of the basic gender roles because literally every other kid at school had been forced into them from birth.

Awesome things that my mom (and dad!) did for me as a child (these are girl specific but they can obviously be adapted).

1. My parents thought it was important to show me as many different examples of "strong women" as possible to encourage my belief that I could do whatever I wanted. These women ranged from a woman who did not "work" in that she was not paid, but volunteered full time an aids hotline and various other non-profits , to a salon owner, to a cardiologist etc. My parents also thought it was important that my babysitters also encompass these values. I was babysat by a champion swimmer, a chemistry major, and one of my mother's students who was saving money for school and wrote music. All mature, confident women pursuing their interests.

2. My parents were very honest we me and my brother about the family finances and how that impacted the family at a young age. I grew up knowing that my mother had chosen not to pursue a more lucrative career in order to be close to my father's work but that I could choose to do whatever I wanted. My parents explained to me that both of their jobs were important, even though my father made more money because my mother's work and choice contributed just as much to the family.
Any example of equality and mutual respect will rub off well on children.

3. Finally, my parents treated me and my brother the same and gave us all the same rules. I know that they were more worried about me dating and being out alone than they were about my brother, but they kept the rules the same because they said they trusted us equally. Every sport or instrument or lesson my older brother tried, I was offerred as well. My brother is the one who got me into ballet!

Hope this helps!

I have been struggling with this topic a lot since I left the professional workforce three months ago to become a stay-at-home mother to a two-year-old girl. (The fact that I feel the need to add that I freelance part time from home irks me, as if it proves I'm still valuable).

I did before, and will continue to do, a lot of the things other women have posted here. I find that SociologicalMe, Lucy Gilliam (my daughter also has a purple tricycle and a yellow lawnmower!), Brandi and I are kindred spirits. And while I praise my daughter's appearance when she puts on her princess dress (thanks, Grandma!), I also praise it when she climbs out of a mud hole and more often than her appearance, I praise good behavior and intelligence.

My biggest concern is reconciling my feminism and the lessons I want to impart to my young one with the reality I now live. Though I had a high-paying full-time career which challenged me intellectually and earned me respect, after I had my child I found I wanted to exclusively mother her full-time. I often wonder how this choice may influence my girl when paired with social messages about gender that she'll receive later in life.

It's complicated feminist issue for me because I take care of a toddler, cook and clean, perform small repairs, shop and do the laundry - in other words, do not split household chores with my husband at all. (Though in all fairness, he often volunteers to help or do some of the chores). I feel that working the second shift is wrong for women, and equally wrong for my husband when he comes home after a long day at work.
One the one hand, I know how as a couple we rationally weighed the options and came to agree on this arrangement, but on the other I see how in action it conforms to the gender stereotypes I abhor as a feminist.

So though it took a while to get to the point, I will challenge my daughter to join me in shaping a society in which ALL women are equally free to choose - or not choose - the domestic or professional sphere without critical or inappropriate comment. Or – gasp! – even to inhabit both!

There is nothing wrong with being a homemaker, as long as it is a truly chosen career. I feel that when society views domestic duties as primarily "women's work" or when some feminists decry it as a scourge holding women back, the same damage is done. They are two sides of the same coin, each telling women what they should or should not do. This is where the critical thinking comes in.

For example, I definitely self-identify as one of the strong, assertive, confident women mentioned in the post regardless of the fact I am now a homemaker. I have received comments online and in real life to the contrary. I will teach my daughter that it is possible and acceptable for a woman to be strong and assertive. Period.

There has got to be a way to recognize that while some women are marginalized and coerced into the domestic sphere, others are not. We have taken steps toward the a better future and the concurrent existence of both types of women-at-home at this point in time must be recognized. This way the first type can get help and support to escape coercion and the other can avoid being labeled as either coerced, stupid or betrayers of the cause.

Gosh, do I need to start my own blog? Sorry for such a long response, but I have become quite impassioned of late.

It seems to me that a lot of the comments are anecdotal to priviledged backgrounds. What does the single parent do that doesn't have access to chemistry majors or other mature confident women?

This reminds me of something I heard about an interview with Madonna (say what you will, but Madge is certainly a lady in charge nowadays) just after the birth of her daughter.

When asked what she was going to teach her daughter, Madonna replied, "Self-respect."

When asked pointedly what she was going to teach her daughter *about men* (insert assumptions about her (hetero)sexual interactions being the only ones that matter here), Madonna replied, "If I teach her self-respect, I won't have to teach her 'about men.'"

Bam!

Something like that, basically. Self-respect and gender respect go hand-in-hand - just raise them smart, and you want have to worry too much about the specifics.

Not to knock the concerns and I do appreciate all of the good advice, BUT a lot of these comments seem to be very oriented towards a white point of view. I wonder whether the same sorts of things will apply to me when I'm raising a Black daughter (right now, I'm just raising a Black son)? Probably not. I certainly won't have to worry about showing her strong, assertive role models because Black women in the media are shown to be all of that...but not necessarily in a positive way. In fact, I will worry that if she stands up for herself or shows any sort of assertiveness at all she will be labeled an "Angry Black Woman." I know I won't have to tell her that she doesn't need a man. Nope we have movies like "She Can Do Bad All By Herself" to teach her that (and to teach her all kinds of other stereotypes). Not to mention the fact that everywhere she looks she will see images that tell her that she's not the type of woman that men desire at all. The idea that I have to teach her that all types of bodies are okay is pretty laughable, given the lovely media portrayal of Black women and the Black man's love for "booty". Hurrah. Something not to worry about (sarcasm) Actually, I really can't complain about that too much. I would rather that than feel like she has to be a size zero to be beautiful. Seems though, that I will be more worried about her being able to see real portraits of women of color and not stereotypical nonsense like Tiny and Toya (or whatever their names are) on BET. Thank God for heroines like Dora and the other girls of color on childrens' TV like....oh wait...there aren't any. Ugh. Sesame Street is pretty much the best thing we have going right now. It is getting better though, right? (Please someone, tell me its getting better!) I'm actually happy that there will be a Disney princess a young Black girl can relate to, one that looks like her...even if that princess is going to be a frog for the majority of the movie. Sigh. I always grew up thinking that when I had children I would be the gender police. I didn't realize that race would end up trumping that concern for me, hands down.

IMPORTANT: Do not keep pink toys/dolls/nail polish from your daughters. If they ask for those things, you should give them to her. If she asks for trucks and video games, give her that too. My parents are both feminists and i asked them why they let me have dolls and such when i was little and they explained that they raised me to be strong and to know what i want. If they were to forbid me ultra-girly toys i would have been more attracted to them. I think a lot of 2nd wave feminists put too much value on being like men and in the process devalued the importance of what women do and how little girls play. If anything i think more boys and girls should play with and care for dolls, and play imaginary games...

I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I recently found myself in the middle of a sexist tug of war with my inlaws, and I came out the victor, battle scars and all! The big debate was whether to get my son an iron, because that is for girls supposedly (yeah, ok, like I iron...hahaha!) But he loves it. I personally don't iron but when I find myself forced to, he loves to watch and join along.

I take it this won't be my last battle with the world re: gender roles. But I am glad to see other moms going through the same and being creative.

Thank you all for your helpful replies. Obviously this is an issue that is more nuanced and varied than I was able to present in my original post. It's encouraging for me to know that many others (whether you are parents or not) have thought about this intersection between feminism and parenting.
To respond to a few of the comments above: No, I do not have sons, just daughters, but I suspect (and hope!) my parenting approach would remain the same.
Several people commented about the privilege of discussing shared parenting duties with a partner (and making conscious decisions to model things like division of labour within the home) which is, I agree, a privilege many don't have. This is certainly something we need to keep in mind through these discussions.
A few people mentioned that by not buying gendered clothing/toys, I am limiting my girls' choices and possible preparing for a backlash when they are older. Though this may be true and my goal is always to open their world, not close it in, I have often felt that buying things marketed specifically to young girls is a tacit endorsement of the way these things are sold according to gender. I'm not sure how to reconcile my desire to give my children options with my goals as a consumer.
Again, many thanks for your thoughts.