After an 8-year marriage, I left, stayed with a friend (not male) for 2 1/2 months until i was able to get my house back. After moving in and being on my own for only about a month, I called him. We started seeing each other exclusively for 5 months but lived in separate places. I have been in a deep depression for what seems like forever and have really been struggling lately. I went out of state to visit family for two weeks and while I was up there, he told me he didn't want to see me anymore and he wanted to "go out with someone."
I have a question. When the abuser finds a new girlfriend, why is that so hard? Why do I want to analyze the way we interacted to try to figure out what went wrong? Why can't I stand the thought of him with another person? Why does it hurt so much? I have come very far on my path to establishing my own true self back, apparently not as far as I thought. My divorce will be final next month. I am dedicated to following through with it.
My kids (not by him) hate him and would leave me if we ever got back together so its a no-brainer but why do I have such strong feelings over still wanting his attention, still wanting to talk to him, trying to make him want me instead of her when I know he is a liar, a controlling manipulative user of people until they're of no value to him. Its like I have this craving for his attention but I don't want to be married to him. I like want him as my friend so we can still talk and have our conversations where we finish each other's sentences. Help. I feel like an idiot. Please tell me this is a "normal" phase to be going through and it will pass and I will hate him again like I did when he wouldn't move out of my house nor pay for it or the utilities or the cable bill. What is wrong with me?
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there's nothing *wrong* with you. you are NOT an idiot. there's no defect to you. you left an abusive relationship which is REALLY hard and really makes you an awesome strong person. seriously. what you're going through is VERY common. the only thing you can do right now while you heal from this situation is try to get a good support system of people to help you stay away from this dangerous man. it's not uncommon to miss someone even if they were abusive. you spent all those years building your life habits and daily existence around him, so there will be a void. but stay strong and i promise that over time the feelings will fade as you heal.
i would recommend trying to see a therapist (try to find one that specializes in abuse recovery). if you can't afford it, most areas have support groups. if not, search online for forums. just stay strong!
I was in a similar situation, and my friend offered this colorful advice: " Even if you had a wart for years, you'd miss it once you cut it off."
I'm a huge advocate of therapy. Your question and your situation are more than a friend or public forum can answer. It may only take 3 or 4 months (maybe longer and worth every session) with a qualified counselor/therapist who is adept at coaching you toward developing stronger, healthier coping skills and embracing better choice making in the present and future. There are qualified therapists who have a sliding scale and accept all sorts of insurance. I wish you the best and hope your self esteem will become so strong that losers and abusers wont even make it into your realm.
You're not crazy - your feelings and reactions are not either. You were married to this man for eight years. No doubt you loved and cared about him for some of that time. The feelings don't just go away the next day. I'm almost a year out of a not-so-good relationship and feelings still surface from time to time. I still find myself wondering about the ex, wanting to talk to him sometimes too.
It might hurt that he found someone else because you had this idea about how your life was going to be together and now someone else might be living that life with him. Maybe it makes you feel that he never really cared about you like you cared about him.
Take some time to think about who you are and what you want from life and relationships. Reflect on where you are and where you want to go in your life. Surround yourself with nurturing, caring people who will be there for you when you need them. There are a lot of feelings that come up, and I agree with the others that finding a professional to talk through them is helpful for some people. Good luck with everything.
One of the things that happens after abuse (this is via my therapist) is that you constantly view yourself, judge yourself in your ex-partner’s eyes. Try thinking of when he comes to mind—is it when you’re seeking approval for something? That’s what it was with me. There is a way to shake it. I’d recommend therapy- you are an adult survivor of abuse, and you can and will feel better—but time may not heal all wounds. It might take a conscious effort to ask yourself what you want in your life, instead of what he would want in your life, every time you think of him. Hang in there. It will hurt. But you’ve got your priorities in the right order, and it’s clear your children support your independence.
Leaving your old life behind is never easy, even when it must be done. In Exodus when the slaves left brutal slavery in Egypt, they wanted to turn around and go back. The slavery they knew scared them less than the freedom they didn't. So it's natural to have a hard time adjusting and letting go of something, especially someone skilled at manipulating you, that you've known for 8 years.
i was in the same situation... i had to break all contacts to my father, because he was abusive to my mother and me... and still, after 12 years, i feel a huge loss, and longing. but i know, that everything that i have would be on stake, if i get weak, and speak to him. he is a deeply manipulative and greedy person, using other people, as they would be no humans, but only equipment to please his needs...
so be strong, and never ever forget, what he did to you. because he would do it again in a heartbeat, without any shame, or guilt.
I've BTDT, too. Good thoughts, esp this: "One of the things that happens after abuse (this is via my therapist) is that you constantly view yourself, judge yourself in your ex-partner’s eyes."
Abusers generally employ extensive crazy-making to make you feel that everything (esp the abuse) is your fault. His having a girlfriend somehow implies that HE is not the one with the problem, HE is still desirable, HE is wanted, etc. Which of course also implies that you somehow brought the abuse on yourself, "deserved" it, etc.
You know better than that. You don't envy this woman. You've probably already said, "Poor thing, he'll probably treat her the same way." But somewhere deep down there is the niggling doubt. There is the tendancy to throw around qualifiers like "I'm not perfect." It takes years to recognize and eradicate these implanted feelings. (After 10+ years on the other side, I'm still spotting the implants.) Like maybe you're in a good relationship down the road, you have an argument, and you immediately think "Maybe it IS me." But you are smart and strong and you will get beyond this. You have already made the hard decisions, and now you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
And then there's loneliness. You had a bond with this person, even if it was not a good one. You had certain inside jokes, things you shared. Perhaps the past few years were so awful that getting out felt GOOD and you were able to celebrate rather than grieve. And perhaps thinking of him as a "date" brings back the initial feelings you had, before he revealed himself as a total abuser. Just speculating...
Cut yourself some slack. You are doing great! You got out. That's more than a lot of women are able to do.
Yes, you will hate him again. And other times you may pity him or just feeling curious or downright bored when he comes to mind.
Please give yourself a treat today. Maybe a long bubble bath or a brisk jog or a favorite movie -- whatever does it for you. Choose to give yourself the love you're craving. As strange as it may sound, when I was going through it, I sent myself cards (yes, in the mail) and bought myself flowers and left myself notes around the house or on the mirror. When I wanted to hear someone tell me I was beautiful or awesome or going to be okay -- I chose to be that person.
You can do this. You ARE doing it.
This is exactly it.
You are perfectly normal for missing someone you were married to for eight years. That's a long, long time.
The way I see it is this: you have been told over and over that you're not good enough, by someone that you love. You want them to think you're good enough. And that's why you miss him. Because you did care about him. We want the people we care about to care about us, to think we are good enough, and he's subtly hinting that you're not (or not-so-subtly). Which is completely wrong, and I think you already know that.
I think abra's hit it right on the head. You've been told over and over that it's your fault, that you've been the problem or that you are somehow damaged. And since he's "moved on", you might feel that maybe he never really cared in the first place? That's a scary and hurtful thought.
You're doing the right thing. Keep at it. You will go back to hating him, you will remember all the things that he did that made the relationship end. You will have no feelings sometimes, and sometimes you will miss him a lot.
Keep at it - leaving is a hard, hard road. Did you know that it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave before success? You are most certainly not alone. I echo the other commenters - a therapist might be able to help you out here, especially one that focuses in abuse recovery. There may be a low-cost or free service near you. If you have a local rape/abuse crisis line, you might try giving them a call or calling a local college campus (they often have many counseling options, because not all students go on campus, and one might be the right fit for you). Do you have friends to talk to? Family members? Depending on the age and relationship you have with your children, you might even be able to discuss some of this with them. After all, they lived with him, too.
There is nothing wrong with you at all. You're grieving, and it's hard to let go of things, even if they weren't always the greatest (understatement of the year, I know). But I am certain you can do this.