Rantiness crossposted to my blog.
Lately I've run across this idea quite a bit: Sex workers are rape victims.
It pisses me off.
I'm pretty new to sex work. It's been a little more than a month since I went on my first call. I've dabbled in pretty much every form of sex work with the exception of stripping -- I dance like a frog in a blender -- and I can pretty honestly say that I have not been raped.
I've done porn. I've done S&M porn. I've cut back on the escorting -- I didn't want to work for an agency, and without an agency it's not exactly safe -- but I still have quite a few regular clients and I see them. I also work in a dungeon where I both dom and sub, and I have done sessions naked.
None of this is rape. All of this was consensual.
Money wasn't even a huge problem. I got into sex work because I wanted to make money -- and trust me, I've been quite successful in that respect -- but I wasn't about to starve or end up homeless. I knew my parents would bail me out if I couldn't pay my rent.
So saying I'm a rape victim because I had no other choice but sex work isn't at all accurate, and it also implies that all other workers are slaves. (The cashier at the grocery store doesn't do it because it's fun. She does it because she has to pay her rent. And it's really difficult to find another job in this economy. SLAVERY!)
I consented. To say I am a rape victim deprives me of my ability to consent. It's infantilizing and patronizing.
Talk all you like about how sex work and porn objectify women and fuck up the way we think about sex. I might disagree with you, but unless you're saying something really dumb, I will also respect you. Talk about how trafficked women are rape victims, and I will agree with you. Talk about your own experiences in the sex industry, and I will take your word at face value, even if you don't give me the same courtesy.
You can argue all you like over whether my choice was feminist, or neutral, or anti-feminist man-pleasing stupidity -- and I will have an opinion on that, as well -- but keep in mind that it was my choice.
DO NOT TELL ME I AM A RAPE VICTIM. I am an adult woman. I am capable of making my own decisions. I chose to have sex with my clients and co-stars, and it may not have been a choice you personally would have made, but it was still my choice and by definition, not rape.
Making me a victim so I fit into your political philosophy is scummy.
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I just clicked through and found your blog-- very interesting! I appreciate your perspective. As a guy, I always feel somewhat awkward engaging with other feminists in dialogue about sex work, but have the same basic instincts you do. To some extent, everybody is 'coerced' into their jobs because their lives are made much easier by gainful employment-- I would not practice law, or at least not this type of law, were it not for the money (he says, while writing comments on a feminist blog while at work). I don't think it's particularly helpful or accurate to calling sex workers rape victims, any more than it is to call workers in more conventional industries slaves.
I also think this becomes obvious if you flip it: I think it would be very insulting and hurtful to tell a woman who was raped that her experience was just like that of women who choose sex work.
Interesting post. And I very much agree with you.
One thing I´d like to mention, there was a post on feministing before about trafficking often being a "crusade" against prostitution that fits well into your consent thought. So equaling trafficking with rape might be as wrong as equalising prostitution with rape.
The link to the original blog -> http://www.nodo50.org/Laura_Agustin/whats-wrong-with-the-trafficking-crusade
I have noticed that certain decisions are considered "free" and others are considered "coerced" if they don't fall in line with traditional feminism, and it is frustrating. You can't choose to be in sex work, it is only an act of desperation. You can't choose to wear a head scarf, it is only because you were raised to believe you should wear it. You can't choose to stay home for a while with a kid, it is only because you have been socially conditioned to think you want to. In all these cases, the message is "You may think you want to do that, but you don't, and I know better." Paternalism in the guise of feminism is just as bad as honest paternalism.
Thank you for posting this! Two quick points. I'm a sex workers rights activist. I got involved with International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers. When someone says that all sex work is rape or something similar, it's incredibly insulting to sex workers who have been raped on the job. That's a completely different experience than their normal, day to day business. That is rape. (And the legal system treats the rape of a sex worker like it can't happen, "theft of services".)
Anyway, your post made me think of this, too: http://redlightchicago.wordpress.com/2009/02/03/how-to-be-an-ally-to-sex-workers/
thanks for posting this! The sex workers that I know identify as feminists and love their careers.
I have a few questions about sex work - non of the dialog I've read so far has really answered them. Can you (and others if they feel like sharing their stories) tell me why you chose that particular field? and how you got into sex work? I've also wondered about quitting... say you don't want to do it anymore after a few years (or 20). What then?
The story of how I got into sex work is at my blog.
I chose the field because I was having trouble finding other jobs and because it seemed interesting. It also pays pretty well.
Getting out would be easy for me. I'm mostly freelance, and quitting my dungeon wouldn't be difficult.
Your blog is really interesting! Great work :)
I worked as a stripper in my late teens. I quit at the age of 20 when I was about 4 months pregnant with my oldest. The original poster may not like it, but I got into for the same reason that a good 99% of the others I knew were in it: I was a drug addict. It was a quick way to make cash, to have cash on hand everyday, so I could cop heroin. The only women I knew who worked the bars who did not have habits were doing it because they had no other options. They were very young single moms, mostly high school dropouts, whose baby daddies were good at making babies, but not at being daddies. I'm sure there are women somewhere for whom that's not the case. I've just never met any, despite working in just about every bar around town and knowing women in my personal life who either danced or walked the streets.
As for quitting, I had other things to do. I had a kid (later two) to raise, and my now-husband was a guy who turned himself from a junkie into the best father and husband I've ever seen in my life. After my kids got school-aged, I went back to college, got my degree. Now I work in IT, specifically doing tech support in public education. It pays as well, I don't have to deal with asshole bar owners who rob the women blind, I have awesome benefits (try that at a titty bar), and I don't come home with my feet aching from wearing spiked-heel pumps while shaking my tits all night.
Interesting story, Aznemesis. Thanks for sharing!
Wow, 99%? That wasn't my experience at all. Or maybe because I didn't do drugs, I was oblivious to it, which could very easily be the case. I started dancing in FL, where women were all shapes and sizes, and then I moved to CA, where all the women seemed so lithe and sinewy. I would see them occasionally scarfing a pizza in the dressing rooms, and wonder how they did it! Pizza and litheness! Someone finally told me that a lot of those women were on speed, and I didn't even know what it was. But they explained to me that you could eat anything you wanted on it and still lose weight (but mostly women didn't want to eat while on it, or sleep, or do much of anything but chat incessantly). So I was probably oblivious to a lot of what people were putting in their bodies.
But I still don't think it was 99%. I made many friends while dancing (I danced for 15 years in 32 cities and 44 clubs around the world), and I never got close to a substance abuser (well, more likely, they didn't relate well to me! Thought I was a goodie-two-shoes, so they always avoided me). Nonetheless, my friends were not addicts. But I can see this could also be a regional thing, and maybe even a time period thing. Back when I started, the stereotypical dancer was a drug user who was missing teeth. And while I did dance with a fair share who fit that in FL, I don't think it was anywhere near 99% in my own experience.
However, I will say I was at a club at which I was considering working in Anchorage in '98, where almost every woman there fit that description. I chose in the end to not work there (not because of that, but because it was so dead). So clearly, there are clubs like that. I was just fortunate to not have had that experience in terms of 99%.
Thank you for posting this. As someone who's experienced rape and worked sometime in the sex industry (these were two separate chapters in my life) I feel there was a world of difference between something that was forced upon me and something i did of my own volition.
You rock.
Great post. Nothing to add at all.
Great post, Nattles! (I'll bet we know each other...)
I completely agree, and could never understand why people refuse to believe us/listen to us. It is worse than frustrating. It is completely disempowering. That's what I was getting at when I posted this about the Swedish model. Unfortunately, the video didn't come out (still trying to figure out this stuff here), but I included a link in the comments, and I urge you to watch it and see how galling it is.
I was a stripper most of my life, and did some freelance work on the side when the price was right. I have never felt violated in my sex work atmospheres, but have a few times in my civilian life. I have been extremely fortunate to never have been raped (thank goddess).
For Lucii:
I chose to become a stripper initially because I needed cash and was too proud at that age (21) to ask my family for money. I was sure I could do it all on my own. And, I did, after living in my car for a while. My first job as a stripper lasted a week (it was like jumping into the deep end of the pool- it was a nude, full-contact club. I spent most of my time preying on the customers by seducing them and taking them home to have sex with. I LOVE sex). About 3 months later, I tried it again at a topless non-contact club, which was a much better entry-point. I fell in love with the job! I got to dress up in glamorous dresses every evening and flirt outrageously with men. Any man. It was such an amazing feeling!
I have always been interested in sexuality and seduction, and was always fascinated by women who knew how to do it well. They were always my heroes- women who "owned" the men with whom they came into contact. I wanted that sense of power; I wanted to master that art.
I didn't discover my feminine sexuality until much later in life than most of my friends, but I wasted no time in making up for lost time.
So stripping fulfilled my desire to master the art of seduction, and also gave me plenty of toys to play with after. It became a wonderful, satisfying career for me. I also have two fabulous degrees from excellent institutions (Berkeley and LSE), but as a friend of mine put it, academia was a sideline for me-- more of a hobby than anything I would ever take seriously as a career. Of course, neither degree would have been possible without the money I earned as a stripper (I have no student loan debt).
I quit when I went to London for my master's degree- I just had no time to work and keep up my studies. I would still be doing it now if I thought I could get away with it. Instead, I now do some independent contract work (being an independent contractor for my whole life really makes it difficult to punch a time clock) that pays my bills. I still dabble in the industry in various ways which will remain private.
All told, I worked for 15 years as a stripper. It was hard to quit because I loved the job so much. I imagine that's how sports people feel. Having identified my whole life as a stripper, and suddenly to have to redefine that self-identity, was pretty traumatic. I miss it so. I miss the life, the lights, the endless flirting, the titillation (both that I felt and that I caused), the amazing agility I had, the unparalleled sense of connection to something deep in the earth I felt while dancing on stage... I miss almost everything about it.
The chemistry of sexuality is an amazing, delicious drug for me. I love to be both the performer and the audience of it. I love being in the thrall of a woman or a man dancing on stage in front of me-- being seduced by her or him in the same way I seduced. It is a beautiful, fun, amazing experience to be a part of, no matter what side of the brass rail I am on. :)
Thanks for the post! It's great to read stories like this. I always had an interest in this sort of thing but worried I wasn't attractive enough and (more so), I was always too shy to actually go through with it. But I thought about it before and I can totally see why some women are into it. Your story is a great example.
Honeybee, most sex workers will tell you that looks are 20% of it, and attitude and personality make up the other 80%! And it is very true. One time while I was working at a club on a very slow Sunday night, I got really bored. That week's Time magazine had on its cover the face of a bulldog. I cut it out, cut the eyes out so I could see through them, and pasted it to my face with "boobie glue" (what we used to paste our bikini tops to our breasts with so they wouldn't pop out). I went out on the floor with that on and made a ton! What a hoot.
The problem becomes the trendy corporate male-run strip clubs that only wish to hire women who look like one particular stereotype. Ugh. It is so much more like that now than it was when I started. I prefer a variety of bodies as a customer of strip clubs. There is a local club I used to go to at which I would play a game with my friends called "find the booty." Because they never had any there!! All the women were emaciated. :( The club has since changed ownership, and now they have many more types of women. Sooo much nicer!
My favorite clubs to work at were always the ones that were considered "seedy"-- like the one I started in. While it was way over my head when I was a newbie, I later learned that those clubs were more accepting of all shapes and sizes, and I always earned more in those places too.
Stripping did amazing things for my self-confidence too. I have absolutely no fear of approaching strangers as a result of that work! :)
So you love attention.
You love feeling desirable.
You love the confidence boost it gave you.
All those things are understandable. But I have to ask you:
In a different world, where girls grew up loving their bodies, and feeling as confident as men.
Do you still think you'd have the exhibitionist tendences?
Do you still think you'd enjoy the thought of being able to control men with sexuality? (a rather unfeminist sentiment, IMO)
I ask this as someone who is a bit of an exhibitionist myself, btw... because I totally think it relates to self-esteem and self-doubt and such as a teenager, and from psychology I've read that's a fairly common motivator.
"All those things are understandable. But I have to ask you:
In a different world, where girls grew up loving their bodies, and feeling as confident as men.
Do you still think you'd have the exhibitionist tendences?
Do you still think you'd enjoy the thought of being able to control men with sexuality? (a rather unfeminist sentiment, IMO)
I ask this as someone who is a bit of an exhibitionist myself, btw... because I totally think it relates to self-esteem and self-doubt and such as a teenager, and from psychology I've read that's a fairly common motivator."
It's hard to say, because we don't live in that society. I know plenty of men in this society who are not comfortable with their bodies, as well. I met tons of them while dancing, and in my brief forays into other areas of the industry, as well as in my private sex life. Men are pretty vulnerable one-on-one, and I am sure Nattles could speak to that as well (perhaps better than I can). Remember: cockiness is usually a sign of insecurity.
I love the power of sexuality, but I have to say that it is an exchange, and a power with rather than a power over. It doesn't work if it is one-sided. Two (or more) have to be willing to play or there is no magic. I used the phrase "'owned' the men with whom they came into contact" as a figure of speech more than an actual metaphor. I don't believe in making anyone an unwilling participant in that magic. The magic isn't about control; it is about the magic itself, as described in my last paragraph:
"The chemistry of sexuality is an amazing, delicious drug for me. I love to be both the performer and the audience of it. I love being in the thrall of a woman or a man dancing on stage in front of me-- being seduced by her or him in the same way I seduced. It is a beautiful, fun, amazing experience to be a part of, no matter what side of the brass rail I am on. :)"
And I myself am thrilled to be the one on the receiving end of that magic!
Wanting to emulate the women I grew up admiring was more about their ability to ignite that reciprocal magic in anyone they chose to.
I probably would still have the exhibitionist tendencies, just because that is who I am. But again, hard to say when the society we live in is nothing like you describe. All humans have insecurities about themselves- male, female and other genders. I think until we are all born without the ability to see we will have this to some extent.
But I will say that the more confident I became along the way, the less interested I was in keeping my clothes on. ;)
I believe you completely when you say that you are a sex worker of your own free will and that everything you do in your job is consensual. HOWEVER, though I may be wrong, I also get the sense that you come from a middle class background and a stable family. (Since, for example, you say your parents would help you out if you couldn't pay rent.) It's good that you are sharing your experiences, but I wonder if the voices of less privileged sex workers are being drowned out.
Sorry, I just realized that post above might sound a little accusatory. All I was trying to say was that the OP's experience as a sex worker may not be the most common.
I'm not speaking for all sex workers. I don't doubt that there are many sex workers who are forced into the business.
However, I despise the assertion that ALL sex workers are rape victims. This comes up a few times in the comments on Marc's post on porn, and it's completely infuriating. I am an adult, and I am completely capable of consent.
There are a lot of sex workers who are rape victims. There are a lot of sex workers who aren't rape victims, but really aren't cut out for the job and get really bad burn-out. And there are a lot of sex workers like me -- could do other things but like the easy money, flexible hours, and interesting job. Don't pretend we don't exist or that we're some miniscule minority. There are a whole lot of us.
"Don't pretend we don't exist or that we're some miniscule minority. There are a whole lot of us."
Indeed there are! At our past three conferences each there have been between 200 and 260 of us, from all sectors of the professions (street-based workers, transgender workers, male workers, $250-$1000/hour workers, phone sex operators, dancers, brothel workers, Tantra and spiritual workers, BDSM workers, and so much more). And those are only the ones who want to come to such a conference (which in itself is risky for many workers). I personally know about 300-500 workers I am in contact with on a daily basis on the internet. Those 300-500 workers know hundreds of others, and so on. Some communities host thousands of workers, all communicating with their clients on a daily basis.
No, we are the norm, not the exception. Research done a few years ago estimated the street-based work to comprise about 15-20% of workers in the US, while the indoor sector came in at 80-85%.
Jen, if you google prostitute you will see a plethora of stories about the less privileged sex workers. Stories of trafficking and victimization, coercion and abuse. But are they speaking for themselves? Some are.
Their voices are not drowned out; they are simply ignored, as are ours. And I would venture to say that we get even less of a voice in the media than the less privileged sex workers. In our Google exercise, I challenge you that the stories that have anything positive or even neutral to say about sex workers or sex work are most likely written by sex workers themselves. The numbers of stories about us from non-aligned media are few and far between. That's why we created Bound, Not Gagged.
We are fortunate to have computers, be somewhat educated, and have the ability to express ourselves on a community such as this and BnG. But the non-aligned media has no interest in us or in our concerns.
I also don't consider someone who was forced into prostitution as a sex worker. Sex workers make a choice to do this work. A forced person may eventually make the choice to remain in sex work, at which time I would consider them sex workers.
Worldwide, I don't believe for an instant that most sex workers are thrilled with their work. I don't think that all sex work is rape. I DO think that a heck of a lot of sex workers are raped.
I'd be curious, has anyone here read the book "Confessions of an Ivy League Call Girl"?
I don't think the book was particularly well-written, but I thought it was an interesting story. I'd be curious how representative you thought it was of the high-end callgirl experience.
I know a couple of people who have been strippers. One did it for money, and I think felt pretty in chare and okay and stopped it when she didn't need the money anymore. Another one I think did it for money and also her identity, and got something much more personal out of it that she felt was positive. I also happen to know that this girl was terribly insecure about certain things, struggled with her sexuality in many ways, etc. etc. And ultimately I think the figure she was trying to live up to, great seductress and desirable by men, is sort of many feminist's nightmare.
I consider this girl my friend, I think she's a very nice girl.
But I'd like to say that I don't think just because a woman does something makes it feminist. We could agree that when it came to Sarah Palin. And I might have to say the same when it comes to women whose dream is to be the best, most powerful sex object out there. Sorry, harsh, but that's the way I feel. Not so much because they don't have a right to want that, but more because I don't think they're making other women's lives any easier.
"But I'd like to say that I don't think just because a woman does something makes it feminist. We could agree that when it came to Sarah Palin."
Of course not. But does Sarah Palin consider herself a feminist? Must everything someone who calls herself a feminist does be viewed with a critical feminist lens? If we buy a pack of gum, we are supporting the patriarchy. Some would say that if we speak English, we are perpetuating the patriarchy. We all stake our resistances in different ways, and sometimes we just want live our lives without fighting during every second of it.
"And I might have to say the same when it comes to women whose dream is to be the best, most powerful sex object out there."
Presumably you're speaking to me with that one. I don't want to be a powerful sex object, I want the most powerful sexuality I am capable of. I think it is a worthy goal for anyone who values their erotic lives. It doesn't have to mean exercising it publicly as I did, but even in one's own personal life one can be incredibly powerful sexually. And anyone who's had incredibly powerful sex with someone as equally powerful sexually as themselves knows what I am talking about. It is like mastering a sport: a professional has much more fun playing another professional. They can also have fun while teaching the sport to others, but the real satisfaction comes when two equal forces are matched.
"Sorry, harsh, but that's the way I feel. Not so much because they don't have a right to want that, but more because I don't think they're making other women's lives any easier."
How so? How is my wanting to hone my sexual power harming other women? Should I also stop myself from becoming the smartest person I can become because some women might not be capable of that (or have no interest in that), so it would be unfair? Should I stop honing my artistic skills because maybe some people can't be artists (or don't want to be artists) and I would have an unfair advantage? Maybe you mean something completely different. If so, I apologize for misunderstanding.
Because the kind of power you're talking about, is not about wanting to be equal to men.
It's about having power over men in certain ways, and simultaneously being dependent on men for your very livelihood.
It is in fact a very old kind of power. The kind exercised by courtesans. A kind, maybe the only kind that women were allowed for many years of our history.
I go into this more below, but again I'd say try reading "Female Chauvanist Pigs" It's an easy read, although I didn't agree with everything I agreed with a lot of it, and then I think you'd understand where I'm coming from.
I think you missed my earlier post on sexual power, so I will paste it here in response:
"I love the power of sexuality, but I have to say that it is an exchange, and a power with rather than a power over. It doesn't work if it is one-sided. Two (or more) have to be willing to play or there is no magic. I used the phrase "'owned' the men with whom they came into contact" as a figure of speech more than an actual metaphor. I don't believe in making anyone an unwilling participant in that magic. The magic isn't about control; it is about the magic itself, as described in my last paragraph:"The chemistry of sexuality is an amazing, delicious drug for me. I love to be both the performer and the audience of it. I love being in the thrall of a woman or a man dancing on stage in front of me-- being seduced by her or him in the same way I seduced. It is a beautiful, fun, amazing experience to be a part of, no matter what side of the brass rail I am on. :)"
And I myself am thrilled to be the one on the receiving end of that magic!
Wanting to emulate the women I grew up admiring was more about their ability to ignite that reciprocal magic in anyone they chose to. "
Once again, it HAS to be equal to be good and delicious! I have no desire to dominate or control anyone. Where is the fun in that?
"And ultimately I think the figure she was trying to live up to, great seductress and desirable by men, is sort of many feminist's nightmare."
So, would the opposite case be many "masculinists'" nightmare? If a man's goal was to be a great seducer and desirable by women?
Does being a feminist mean wanting to live in a sexless world?
I love men, I love sex, and I love penises. I also happen to love women and vaginas. I am an incredibly sexual and playful human being who revels in the game of sexuality we play with each other as humans, and I cringe every time feminists suggest we do away with public sexuality. To me, that would be like doing away with the color red. It would mean a less-than beautiful world.
I also very much consider myself a feminist. Just because sexuality has been used to oppress us for millenia doesn't mean that we can't or shouldn't partake of it and enjoy it. We can and do redefine it for ourselves as we go along to reflect our ideals (as constrained as those may be by the world around us), but for goddess's sake, don't eliminate that!
I want to enjoy it in the same way men can enjoy it: without the whore stigma.
Is that too much to ask?
Every time someone suggests that my being a sexual woman harms all women they are perpetuating the whore stigma, and a philosophical chastity belt.
My vagina will enjoy itself exactly as it wishes to regardless of what any old stuffy anti-sexual feminist thinks, thank you. I will not have men or women determine the terms under which my vagina operates. I demand and enjoy my sexual self-determination!!
I strongly disagree.
I do think there's a problem with men who strive to be great seducers and control women with their sexuality.
I don't think EITHER gender should strive to control each other with their sexuality.
And I have a problem with you equating openness about sexuality with scenarios of control. To me you can be very open and comfortable with sex and sexuality without looking at it the way you do.
A feminist's paradise is not one in which we all act like stereotypical men or fratboys.
Again, see my post about sexuality and control above. I agree with you that nobody should try to control another in any way, including sexually.
"And I have a problem with you equating openness about sexuality with scenarios of control. To me you can be very open and comfortable with sex and sexuality without looking at it the way you do."
Can you explain this more? I am not sure I understand what you mean. Unless you're still under the misapprehension that I am interested in controlling others with my sexuality...
And if you mean by "stereotypical men or frat-boys," men who can seduce women, then we have very, very different views on seduction. :)
Perhaps you need to read to try reading the book "Female Chauvanist Pigs" It really helped me think through some of this stuff and get past the Sex and the City mentality.
I'd be curious to know what you'd think of it...
I'll make a deal with you. You read "Sacred Pleasure" by Riane Eisler, and I will read "Female Chauvinist Pigs".
:)
"Worldwide, I don't believe for an instant that most sex workers are thrilled with their work."
Probably not. But how many people in any profession or job are thrilled with their work? Are you thrilled with your work?
Being thrilled with one's work is a very privileged state of being. In that, I consider myself to have been incredibly privileged.
Let me rephrase that, since that was not meant to be taken literally.
Worldwide, I am willing to bet the majority of sex workers have felt some coercion to do what they do and have been physically abused while on the job. Better?
I'm glad you love your job. But one thing I notice is that you're very suspicious that everyone is operating under a madonna/whore mindset as their primary motive for criticizing prostitution. Which tells me, among other things, that that's an issue which occupies a lot of YOUR thinking time. Perhaps in your life that has been the biggest obstacle you had to battle against. But also, perhaps in your occupation with this issue you are overlooking the fact there may be other valid criticisms of the industry, and missing chances for more nuanced thinking and discussion about it.
May I ask how many sex workers you know? You mentioned a couple above, but perhaps you know more? Of the ones you know, were any of them coerced in some way? What exactly do you mean by "have felt some coercion to do what they do"? Do you mean physical abuse? Economic coercion? I could respond better if I am clear as to what you mean by this.
"But one thing I notice is that you're very suspicious that everyone is operating under a madonna/whore mindset as their primary motive for criticizing prostitution. Which tells me, among other things, that that's an issue which occupies a lot of YOUR thinking time."
I am only suspicious because I have been a full-time sex worker rights activist (and part-time web-designer) for 5 years now, and a sex worker of some sort my whole life. The madonna/whore thing is prevalent among our critics. I just honestly haven't seen any other valid criticisms of the industry that do not apply to other industries, or have at their root the fact that sex is somehow dirty and women are not supposed to enjoy it (which, again, would be the madonna/whore thing).
Please, if you have other criticisms, I would love to hear them (or read them, as it were).
Remember, most of the rest of the world do not have a puritanical, born-again premise like we do in this country. Other countries do not prize virginity and women's chastity in the same way we do. That's a very Western middle-class assumption. In Thailand, class hierarchies for the most part didn't exist prior to the British going there for trade. And in India most sex workers were valuable members of society until the British invasion, when they shoved all sex workers into "brothel districts" during colonization (under a very Victorian sexual paradigm, which was madonna/whore). As a matter of fact, the courtesans of Lucknow were by leaps and bounds the most wealthy members of their society during that time, and they financed much of the Lucknow resistance to British rule.
This madonna/whore thing goes way back, and if you dig deeply enough, it really is at the base of most criticisms of prostitution and women's sexuality in general.
"Remember, most of the rest of the world do not have a puritanical, born-again premise like we do in this country. Other countries do not prize virginity and women's chastity in the same way we do. That's a very Western middle-class assumption. "
Whoa just for a minute now. Now maybe before the spread of Christian colonial influence AND Muslim colonial influence things were different, but we are talking about going back about 200 years are so and it's very difficult for us to say exactly what culture was like in most parts of the world then.
In most parts of the world today, ABSOLUTELY people have very conservative ideas about women's sexuality. I am an Anthropology major, and so we read about cultures around the world. The U.S. is very liberal in comparison to many places -did you know that a very typical problem for a female American anthropologist to have abroad is that men expect her to put out because they believe all American women are "loose"? Throughout most of Asia, Central and South America, and Africa this stereotype exists, and there are cultures that center around control of women's sexuality.
As far as how many sex workers I've known? One who did escort service and porn, one who did dominatrix and porn, another dominatrix, two strippers. Those are what I can think of now, anyhow. The last four cases were raised comfortably middle-class. The first one grew up homeless for awhile. A few of them seemed to be using their work in sort of a therapeutic way to work through identity issues or other deep questions they had for themselves, who they were, and how they were valued. A few of them definitely got some enjoyment out of it. But from what I knew about their motivations for choosing that line of work, only one (one of the dominatrixes) had not been effected by some sort of stereotypical women's issue situation (rape, feeling ugly and therefore unvaluable as an adolescent, etc.) And these are, for the most part, well-off women we're talking about, who had family support structures, no domestic violence or drug problems in the family. My idea that most women worldwide are coerced (for financial reasons or actually being physically sold) and experience abuse on the job come from studies I've seen on the matter from the UN and the Prostitution Research Institute and just personal observation (the sex industry is usually thriving in very impovershed places with a big tourist industry, like Mexico or South Africa, and people start working at young ages)
And when you're talking about power, I guess this is the part that set me off:
"I have always been interested in sexuality and seduction, and was always fascinated by women who knew how to do it well. They were always my heroes- women who "owned" the men with whom they came into contact. I wanted that sense of power; I wanted to master that art.
I didn't discover my feminine sexuality until much later in life than most of my friends, but I wasted no time in making up for lost time."
I have never met a man who had a problem with beautiful women who were perpetually attractive and wanted to have sex with them. I HAVE met men who have problems with women who are NOT perpetually attractive or who do NOT want to have sex with them. What I see you describing as your form of power is essentially every man's dream, and something that many women feel they are expected to live up to on a day to day basis, which for many women is simply unrealistic. Take any woman who is not considered conventially beautiful, or any woman who at a given time did not want to have sex with a given man, for instance -that breaks mens fantasies, and they can become quite angry about it. THAT to me is oppression.
Also, you say you did not "discover your feminine sexuality" until later in life than friends. That tells me that you perhaps had wanted to discover it for awhile, were perhaps jealous of friends, and perhaps therefore felt really validated when you finally discovered it.
All of which would make a lot of sense, frankly. But those aren't uncommon emotions for someone to go through, and without first feeling unpowerful by feeling undesired, you would not feel powerful through feeling desired. The Erotic Mind is another book I found really interesting, that talks about what "drives" an individual's sexuality. That is, for most people who express their sexuality in a little bit of an unusual manner, it dates back to insecurity during adolesence. As a bit of an exhibitionist myself, and as someone who sort of craves feeling desired by lots of people in the way you seem to be describing yourself as, I could relate to the psychologist's reasoning.
So my question is basically: In a society where women are valued for all their various talents and skills, where there is no more emphasis placed on their looks or their attractiveness to men than vice versa in how they are valued as a person, would something like stripping feel powerful? If women were taught from a young age that it was okay to be open and assertive about their sexual desires (or lack thereof) with all of their partners, would something like stripping feel as powerful?
I'm so glad I read this- it's refreshing, honest, and answers a lot of questions I've been curious about (I'm sick of the mainstream "in all cases you will feel like a piece of meat" answers). So my next question is, what advice would you give to someone who is interested in dipping their toes into this line of work? What is the safest way to start? How did you know you were ready?