My VP is very high on the communication training programs offered by the organization Speakeasy. It's fitting that I was going through their intro course this week as Judge Sonia Sotomayor was answering critics who accuse her of being a "bully."
[In my job at a small college, I handle most of our media relations, and also write for and edit our publications. On any given day, I'm responding to media inquiries, assigning stories to freelance writers or interviewing past students for a marketing-style "outcomes" profile.]
On the first morning, each of us had to give a short talk to act as a baseline. The instructor taped it, and then we got to watch ourselves. I was horrified. I'm a professional communicator with a metric ton of experience speaking in front of others. Anyone who knows me would say that I'm assertive and confident in my statements. But on the tape, I saw a flighty young woman who giggled to break the ice, shifted from hip to hip and spoke as quickly as possible. My whole demeanor said, "I'm not one bit threatening - please like me!" I was floored to see how I came across.
Throughout the course, my instructor talked about the paradigms of thought that can interfere with the way we present ourselves. One person might think of every communication as a battle to be won, for example. Me? Deep down, I was terrified that the people I supervised would think I was a pushy bitch, or, conversely, that I was weak and incompetent. When I worked at entry level, I didn't have that issue. But the more authority I gained in my career, the more I worried about being likeable. And it just made me look un-credible as a leader.
When I told all this to our group, the instructor told me I wasn't alone. In every course, she said, at least one woman said the same thing. Women in leadership positions have to walk such a fine line, and in many ways we can't win. Interestingly, every one of the men in my group said that, not only were they perfectly comfortable with female leaders, it really bothered them to hear male colleagues trash those women as "bitches" or "ball-busters." The men thanked me for letting them know how a lot of the women they work with must feel on a daily basis.
On the last day, the instructor gave me an exercise designed to push me out of my comfort zone. I had to role-play a situation where I had to tell my team that they weren't cutting it and needed to step it up. When I finished, the instructor asked, "So, do you think Sara seemed unreasonable, or bitchy?" To a person, they said no. I just made them want to bust ass.
Before leaving, I had to develop a mantra of sorts to help me remember what I'd learned and how it felt to demand accountability from the people under my supervision. Keeping in mind my earlier performance, when I rushed through my remarks for fear of being interrupted and unconsciously tried to appear to be non-threatening, what I came up with was this: I will own my time and space, and I will not apologize for my authority.
When I got home tonight, I watched the highlights of Sotomayor's confirmation hearing. As we all know, she's been criticized for being too temperamental or tough on the lawyers who've argued before her. I can understand why Sotomayor might want to downplay her leadership style in order to get through the hearings (something a man would never have to do). But I hope she doesn't.
Own your time and your space, Judge Sotomayor. You don't have to apologize for anything. And neither do the rest of us.
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"The men thanked me for letting them know how a lot of the women they work with must feel on a daily basis. "
I'd like to thank you too. Having just started off in the professional world, I'm still figuring out what's appropriate-- one thing I worry about is being excessively casual with my female bosses. We're a very laidback office, but there's obviously still lines. Thanks for the insight.
I really appreciate this post. It is great to remember how we can step up and empower ourselves in our daily lives. It is easy to feel frustrated and not realize that part of that frustration comes from this lose-lose double standard. I hope you are able to put what you learned in this class into action, and that other readers and I can do the same. Thanks for the important reminder, the motivation and the inspiration!
Great post. On Sotomayor, I couldn't help but notice her body language. I'm not familiar with the way she normally presents herself, but the head tilted to one side and the nodding along with Sen. Graham just made me feel like she wanted to appease them. I wanted her, even though I know it wasn't the right time, to just yell back at their stupid and condescending comments and bowl them over with her knowledge. I could not believe Graham actually asked her if she was familiar with 9/11 and the group that carried out the attacks. Bizarre.
Too bad she couldn't have feigned ignorance and said, "911? You mean that number you call when someone has a heart attack?"
But that might have worked against her a bit.
I don't think it's just a gender issue. I think it's both a gender and racial issue. Women of color in particular are stereotyped as having "temperament problems." I blogged about this the other day.
"You don't have to apologize for anything."
That is so true. I used to constantly apologize--as if I was doing something wrong. Now I figure that if someone has a question about something I am doing or did, they can ask me. And no one ever does. It seems as if females are always apologizing; guys rarely do. It's interesting. You do seem more assertive if you're not constantly excusing yourself.
Too true. It happens here on feministing as well. I really lost it last week, using caps to tell a young women she needn't apologise when she was asking for help in a really serious problem.
@Sarah, thanks for the great post. I'll keep your mantra in mind.
I love your mantra! Thanks so much for sharing it, it's definitely not something that's only relevant in work settings. I think we apoloigise for a lot of stuff as women and go to great lengths not to seem too smart, pushy, etc. There was a great post on community a while ago about a study that found women try to take up less space in public than men, etc.
I study art and my teacher's made 'No Disclaimers' a class rule. Like you I had no idea how deferential I was being until it was pointed out. For some reason jut presenting my art and going "thanks" when it was complicated was the most difficult thing in the world.
Another way to communicate distress with a tasteless "joke" is to go up and just blankly ask, "Why is that funny? I don't get it."
It doesn't work in all situations, but when you pretend that you don't understand the thing at all and the other person has to explain that the reason they're laughing is because, "Oh, it's funny because these ugly people are at a bikini contest" then sometimes they feel uncomfortable too...or at the very least un-PC, which is a concern in the workplace.
This method works especially well for racist "jokes".
"I don't get it...why is that joke funny?"
"Oh, you know, because Asians are bad drivers."
"All Asians are bad drivers? I didn't know that. How did you find out?"
"I didn't find out, it's just because, you know, their eyes are small...and...I need to get back to work, talk to you later."
Maybe it's just me. . .but I tend to think people SHOULD feel guilty about ordering other people around and making them do things they don't want to do. Just because more males than females are comfortable in our authortarian society/workplaces doesn't justify said authoritarianism.
I think the world would be a lot better place if EVERYONE who had authority not only apologized for their authority, but renounced it. While it might not make that big of an impact in the author's case, it would definitely be a good thing for Sotomayor to do. . .as well as the 8 other Supreme Court justices. . .as well as all 100 members of the Senate. . .and Obama. . .and every CEO of a Fortune 500 company.