So I wrote this letter a while back to the site, but I guess it would have been better if I just posted it here instead:
Okay, so I have been a faithful reader of your newsletter since Jane Magazine first put out an article highlighting you. I love everything about your site...except for this. My name is Michaela. I'm a feminist. And I'm a military wife to a soldier who is just completed a 15 month tour in Iraq. And while you guys do post every so often about what a lot of the active duty military women go through. (such as your articles about the rape cases, etc.) I don't see anything about the everyday things we as milspouses have to deal with. In some ways I understand, b/c you can't get to everyone. But in every post on this site, it seems like there's something for every one. Ever been called an angry black woman? There's Shark fu's musings. Sick of the being a latina and getting denied proper rights or healthcare, we gotcha! But I never see much about the blatant sexism that we as military significant others go through. Let me give you a little insight:
Once you marry a man in the military, you are pretty much looked at as one of two things. One, you are either, a lazy, fat, baby making slob who just sits home and collects her husbands checks on the 1st and the 15th or, you're a cheating whore, who screws your husbands best friend as soon as he leaves for deployment. Or you got married just for the benefits. I'm a young, educated, black female and I dont' know many times, in fact I've lost count, when I've talked to some of my husbands superiors, and they are absolutely shocked that I can put together a sentence.
The sexism doesn't stop there. It's as small as your ID card. In the military, we wives are referred to at all times as dependents, and our husbands are our "sponsors". It doesn't matter if we are the breadwinners in our families, to the military we are just another chick cashing in on her husbands pension. (This is something a lot of us milspouses hate as well.)
The sexism extends on a national and legal level as well. Just recently, the GI Bill for spouses was passed. As you know, many of the guys receive money for college when they are active duty. Now prior to the war, the bill was up in Congress and getting ready to be passed so that we military spouses could use some of our husband's money for school as well. ( I mean being that we were also the ones holding down the fort while our husbands are deployed for upwards of a year or more, I'd say we more than entitled to it. ) Well, that bill was pushed to the side for the five years b/c according to Congress, it wasn't considered important enough, or of a high priority in the scheme of things with the war going on. (Yeah, educating women, especially those who wouldn't have a way of paying for school unless they used the GI bill, isn't exactly significant. Right.) The bill just got passed, but surprise, surprise, it's only available in eight states. And of course these are the states where there isn't a huge military presence. Recently the military made it so you can receive up to $6,000 in grants for your education. But you can only use the money if you have a what is termed a "moveable career", such as nurse, or a professor. I'm a fashion major with a minor in anthropology, unless I just take general education classes for the next three years, I won't be able to get money.
It doesn't stop there. When dealing with domestic abuse cases, oftentimes the military is very quick to protect it's own. Often painting the women as the reason why the man may have been abusive to her in the first place. "Well did you say anything that may have caused him to start choking you?". We experience crap from other women who are not familiar with military culture as well. In the military, it is common knowledge that as a family you are going to move around. For a lot of us spouses, if we want to stay in the same town as our husband, a lot of us will move across country or overseas. Sometimes this requires numerous job changes or having to withdraw from university, or transfer to different schools. Prior to my husband being deployed, I lived in DC b/c I was finishing undergrad. But as the pressure of my husband's deployment came, not to mention that financially, traveling back and forth across the country was killing our wallets..I decided to stop school and move down to Texas with my husband. You wouldn't believe some of the crap I received from fellow feminists who didn't understand why I would do something as crazy as put my education on hold. It seemed simple to me: I love my husband, my marriage is a huge priority, I wanted to actually live with my husband for a little while before he would be deployed for a year and a half, and financially it made all kinds of sense.
All of this is just the tip of the iceberg. I don't want to even get into how some of the girlfriends and fiances are treated just because their not wives. It's like a sick caste system.
Look, I'm not trying to get you guys to change your format or anything. It's just that so many time we milwives are forgotten. (That piece of shit show "Army Wives" doesn't count either. Complete fairy tale fabrication.) A lot of times our perspective isn't shown. The reason why I felt so compelled to write you is after reading a piece by Miriam months ago about long distant relationships and how they effect the environment. A lot of the comments were negative, and while I agreed with some of them, the reason why I didn't like the piece, is because the perspective of military relationships wasn't even considered. It was almost we didn't matter. I don't expect the sun to rise and shine on the military community, it would have been great though to at least have someone understand, or be open to our perspective.
That's all. I enjoy your site, I just don't always feel the love.
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Wow. Great post! It's great to read about feminism from a new perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Really interesting stuff, and a lot that I had never considered. Thanks!
Very interesting! Thanks for posting this.
I am confused about something, though. If you have a few minutes to write a little on it, could you talk more about the family-use of the GI bill? I have never heard of it and am not really sure I understand the concept of this extending to the spouse as well as the military person.
Thanks for bringing a different perspective on feminism in the military culture to us!
awesome post. i havent had any prior exposure to this issue either, and i will definitely be following up with more reading and learning. thank you.
I've being reading up on the topic as research for my job. Here are some resources you can look at. They are Canadian but the issues are the same in many respects.
Report on the Canadian Forces Response to Woman Abuse in Military Families (presented to the Department of National Defence in May 2000):
http://www.unbf.ca/arts/CFVR/documents/REPORTONTHECANADIANFORCES.pdf
See also: "No Life Like It: Military Wives in Canada" by Deborah Harrison.
http://www.amazon.ca/No-Life-Like-Military-Canada/dp/1550284460
My understanding of the GI bill was that it was in no small part designed to assist those leaving the military in their adjustment back to civilian life. I'm not sure if it is so much sexism which kept the GI bill from spouses but a question of who it was intended for. Its good that they've widened the benefits so a person can pass their benefits on to either their child(ren), or their spouse, but I always viewed that as helping the person who served, help their family.
As far as the ID/Dependent thing my understanding was that for much of what the military was concerned (e.g. expedition of visas, NATO Passports, etc.) the service member/dependent distinction held true regardless of the financial situation. Unless you're talking more specifically about finances.
Thank you everyone for commenting, I appreciate it. I was hoping to educate a few people about what life is like as a military spouse. To answer a few questions:
@TD,
Yes, you are right, the GI bill was originall designated for the soldier who is actually serving, not for the family. That is true. The issue, however, was that for many years, they weren't alot of resources in the military that helped with the spouses education. Not saying that fafsa, private loans, grants and scholarships aren't enought to cover expenses, b/c they are. You would have just thought that since a huge number of people, (male and female spouses), had to stop classes, transfer, or withdraw completely, because of military life, you would think that the idea of spouse centered educational resources would have popped up a lot sooner than it actually did. I think the servicemember earns every bit of that 80k+ that they receive for education. And, as families of the servicemembers, nobody forced us to marry or be involved in this military culture. However, a lot people have, and you can't blame some for wanting to have some of the benefits being that a lot of people lose jobs, school credits, and a number of other things as a result of the rollercoaster that is military life.
To touch on the ID Card subject. Yes, it was originally designed for the service member dependent/ distinction and honestly, from a business, I completely understand why they do this. Legally, no matter if you are in the military or not, if you have children, or are married, (if you decide to claim them), on your taxes they are referred to as your dependents. However, the terminology of "sponsor" is antiquated, and it's insulting to many. They could just as easily say "servicemember" and "dependent", instead of sponsor.
My sister is a military wife, and it has become very clear to me, that for all intents and purposes, she is IN the military. She is subject to the whims of the military. She can't develop her career because they are constantly relocated. When her husband is deployed, she becomes a single mom, with all the frustrations that come with that. She does most of the military paperwork on behalf her husband, especially while he is deployed. She does all the prep work needed to be relocated.
It makes complete sense to me that the military should treat her as part of the team, because she IS part of the team. She is part of what makes the military work, and supporting her education after all her sacrifices on behalf of the military- and her country- is logical.
Good post.
Exactly right, I think.
I grew up a "military brat." My father was in the AF and my mother was a SAHM (until I got old enough to go to school (but even then her jobs were transitory just due to the military culture).
And I got to watch my mom deal with everything from selling homes, to making and initiating travel plans, to organizing or assisting with certain military functions (especially as my father moved up in rank).
Not to mention effectively living and working as a single mother between the TDYs and the four years my dad spent flying out at the beginning of every week to work on the F117 (at the time still a secret, so she had only the vaguest idea of where he went every week; let me say, a lot of divorces happened in those four years).
Summation: It's Hard. Fucking. Work.
And quite generally unrecognized and under appreciated.
To the OP, thank you for the post.
Thanks for posting this! I live in San Diego, a huge military city with several Navy & Marine bases. My boyfriend is a Navy psychologist, who got back from a tour in Iraq in March. He owns a sailboat and we participate in the Navy Yacht Club's summer Beer Can Races, often with just the two of us crewing. One day an older retired sailor on a nearby boat yelled over to us "I see you're alone out there today!" I thought he hadn't seen me so I stood up and waved, indicating it was the two of us. He laughed and said, "I see you! So you're crewing alone today!" This infuriated me--because I was female my contribution wasn't worth counting. Nevermind I actually did all the physical labor of yanking and cranking the ropes to move the sails about. I suppose my point is just that the sexism comes from inside and outside the military.
My mom was in the military up until last year. I was her "dependent" from the time I was born up until the age of 21.
So, I got to see both sides; being the "dependent" of the serviceperson and all the bullshit that goes along with that, and seeing what a female serviceperson (my mom) goes through on a daily basis. This is why I hate the military now.
As I got older, I got to know a lot of the military wives on our block (because we actually lived on the base). A lot of them were going to school. ALL of them had children. And, yes, it did seem like everyone was cheating on everyone else, not just the wives. But when the relationship is strained by constant deployment, I can see how that could easily happen.
It was very strange for me to finally move away from my mom and into my own apartment. I was finally a "civilian". The entire culture in the military is so different, not just with the people serving but for everyone involved. All the kids were "brats" and proud of it. It was pretty much expected that you wouldn't keep a friend for more than maybe 2 years. To this day, I still move around a lot. I don't know why. Force of habit I guess.
I just realized I'm rambling. Too much coffee. o.O
Just curious if the Americans have the same lame joke that certain members of the Canadian Forces have about dependents: Dependent wife = dumb wife
So not cool.
Really great post. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
I have a question, what is your perception of the way that men who marry women soldiers are perceived?
There are a few military wives among my extended family, and I know that it's very rough for them, especially the mom with three toddlers under the age of 5 whose husband, my cousin, was deployed for much of his oldest son's life. Feministing bloggers may not cover military wives perspectives in depth, but I think it would be a great idea if you posted semi-regularly here on the community board about it.
The hubby and I vegged out over the weekend to a new show on MTV called "16 and Pregnant." We watched the show on a 17-year-old girl named Ebony who got pregnant during her senior year of high school. The boyfriend was in the picture, although he was very immature and ignorant even for a teenager. Both came from military families and wanted to join the Air Force after high school. They went to the AF recruiter's office and were told that because they both now have a dependent, only one of them could join. The boyfriend had some 248 absences from school and barely graduated, but Ebony nonetheless pinned her dreams on him and gave up not only her Air Force dreams, but also high school graduation. I understand the military's rationale -- they don't want orphaned children -- but it seems very discriminatory to the woman, who inevitably seems to be the one to back out on her military dreams.
Growing up in the Killeen/Ft. Hood area, I was always quick to pass judgment on military wives. My paternal family was highly dedicated to the armed services, and even though they were all Air Force, I was expected to marry a military man -- probably an Army man. My friends all dated Army men, and most of them are now military spouses. I grew up resenting the hyper-masculine culture of the military and I resented the women around me who were willing to support the hyper-masculinity of Central Texas culture. I basically called them just like you just described -- lazy, fat, baby-making slobs too concerned with idle ideas of Southern feminity than having an actual life of their own. What you have written doesn't change the fact that I wish most of my friends had done something unique with their gifts of beauty and intelligence, but it does call upon me to think about how severely I judge members of my own sex for their actions. I'll think of this post the next time I visit home.
Did you read the series in Doublex about this? I haven't been a huge fan of the site so far (for reasons that are probably obvious), but was interested to see the series on the lives of military spouses because I grew up as a military brat, and, as such, at least 3/4 of my family falls under this category. Most of it seemed to be about having kids, so I'm not sure how helpful it would be, but I agree - women in the military tend to get left out of the discussion in more ways then one, as do "dependents." Hang in there.
Excellent post. I was somewhat less than generous to the idea of the military wife myself until I developed a close friendship with a woman whose husband was going through the last part of his Navy career. For the longest time, I couldn't imagine who in their right mind would just follow a man around like that, town after town after who knows where, putting her own career/education/life on hold just to hold the remnants of his together while he was gone, just to be known as the "dependent" of someone else's military title. But then I started working with T, who had just moved from Washington to Michigan with her two kids (having driven the whole way herself) to set up shop so the kids could start school in the same place they'd be settling once their dad retired. In the meantime, he still had to stay in Washington for a while, then somewhere in Latin America (for the life of me I can't remember where) for several months, then Iraq for six months, then Washington again for a while, and then back home. I watched T go through the stress of work while taking care of the kids, school, and daycare on her own, the stress of missing her husband getting so bad she had panic attacks (and she had already been doing this for years; it was nothing new), the stress of only being able to talk to him a couple times a month while she was worrying about him being in a war zone - and I learned quickly that I had misjudged. Suddenly, here was this person I liked and respected, and with whom I had quite a bit in common, doing something I had sworn up and down I just couldn't understand - and lo and behold, I started to understand after all. And now I find myself wanting to understand more and more.
In the end, I still don't know living as a military wife is something I could do, but for different reasons than I originally thought. And I'm very glad to hear your perspective, Mrs. Stephens, and I hope you can feel the love where I am, if not from everywhere.