A few weeks ago I was sitting behind my desk at work when I overheard several of my co-workers making some comments that really saddened me...
A copy of that year's yearbook had been left out on the desk and the conversation began with a rousing session of mocking aimed at individual senior head-shots contained within. I began to grow uncomfortable here as several fat-phobic and generally mean comments were made, sometimes even about people I knew. This alone, however, was not enough to spur me into action as the people involved were my supervisors and I worried about how the would respond.
(Warning: the presence of triggering and hurtful language follows.)
Then, they moved on to the section of the yearbook that detailed campus events over the course of the year: specifically, the section with pictures from Walk a Mile in Her Shoes . "So much f*aggy sh*t goes on here," one of my superiors exclaimed, "look at this one; men actually put on women's shoes and walk around like f*ags."
This is where I started to really get angry... but again, what could I say? Every time I opened my mouth I found myself at a loss for words. I was at that event conveyed part of my anger, but left out the real issue: the slurs being used; that word makes me uncomfortable didn't seem like a strong enough statement; shut up was not nearly eloquent enough; and so it went until way too much time had passed for me to actually say something.
In the meantime the conversation had gone on to discuss another event I had been at, a positive body-image event set up directly outside a Bikini Competition held at my school - part protest, part safe-space, part speak out... it had been an awesome night. Yet, according to my supervisor, "those crazy b*itches just can't let anyone have any fun. Look at these ugly c*nts, they're obviously just jealous."
Again I was left reeling, with a million responses running through my head all at the same time. Again, I remained silent.
Walking out of work later that day I decided to shrug it off, but resolved to speak up if anything like this happened again. That decision lasted about five minutes until, as I got into my car, I realized: I have the privilege to just let this go.
Her words made me uncomfortable, yes, but I could just let them go because I wasn't gay and I she wasn't aware of my presence at the body image event; in short, she wasn't aiming her hatred at me. If I spoke up, however, she would know who I was: a feminist, an ally to the TLGBIQ* movement, a Size-Acceptance Advocate... she would know who I was, and then, the attacks could be aimed at me.
I had the privilege to walk away feeling as if I had escaped a personal attack. I had the responsibility the give that privilege up and speak up, however late I may be doing so.
Since this situation involved my supervisor I needed advice, so I sent an e-mail to the Women's Center's director asking for guidance. She advised me to speak to my other supervisor who would handle the situation for me so that the complaint would come from a place of authority and would not be as easily ignored.
Quite anti-climatically I did what was advised, and dealt with the situation via e-mail. I'm glad I said something and, as a result, f*g is much better understood as an unacceptable word in my place of work. At the same time, however, I'm mad at myself: for not speaking up when I had the chance.
By ducking the responsibility of immediate reaction I managed to confirm that the word was taboo at work, but I didn't manage to change anyone's mind. Had I spoken up immediately a dialogue could have started and, who knows, perhaps an understanding could have been reached that would lead to the elimination of that word from one (or more) people's vocabularies permanently, instead of for eight-hours a day, five days a week.
Unfortunately I'll never know.
What I do know, however, is that the next time a situation like this comes up I will say something right away, increasing my chance of making a positive impact. Hopefully, in reading this, some of you can learn from my mistakes as well and speak out more effectively against hate-speak in your communities.
Tips for Speaking Out in Spite of any Fear:
~ Don't second guess yourself, say the first thing that pops into your head. Any of the things I had originally considered saying (I was at that event ; that word makes me uncomfortable; even shut up **) would have been much better than the silence I wound up with... any one had, at least, the potential to start a better dialogue.
~ Don't be afraid of what others will think of you. The people who like you as a person will like you despite your politics, by making your voice heard you are offering the speaker with a different perspective.
~ Don't be confrontational when it can be helped. Think of yourself as an educator and explain why the words being used/ideas being expressed are harmful and hurtful instead of getting angry... it could be that the speaker doesn't even realize the damage they've done.
~ If all else fails look around you; think about how the words spoken might be hurting someone else in the room who overhears them, even if they are not hurting you. Wouldn't you want someone to come to your defense in the same situation? Use this as motivation.
* I've seen a few blogs around the internet scramble up the order of the acronym whenever possible in order to avoid showing preference to one identity - this makes sense to me, so I'm doing it.
** Shut up really should be a last resort as it is more a silencing tactic that a dialogue starter.
Crossposted from Amplify
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Even if you are privileged, I disagree that you had any sort of obligation to speak up. You weren't dealing with people who had equal footing with you, you were dealing with people who are more powerful than you.
If this were a situation involving an equally or lower ranked coworker, or a classmate, or a friend, I would be more inclined to agree with your feeling of obligation.
great post - and reminds me of a quote I read the other day:
When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. - Audre Lorde
I suppose it was more a personal feeling of obligation than anything, since I'm the only one holding myself accountable in this situation.
As an outspoken activist and blogger I felt it was well within my scope of ability to take a stand somehow, however minor the event may seem in retrospect, ans thus I felt a personal obligation to speak - plus my workplace is pretty lax and I felt more than comfortable speaking about this with one of my bosses.
I have in the past said, "You're using very ugly language to describe a large group of people that happens to include some folks that I love very much. Please stop."
I won't say I changed their minds, but I didn't have to listen to their ignorant crap.
It's also true that sometimes, no matter how much you feel obligated to act, it's wiser to wait. Wisdom is in the timing, right? I'm not saying you shouldn't have said anything in this particular instance- I can't, obviously, not having been there. I've had circumstances like this, though, where someone is being a tool, but not enough of one to really warrant me jumping down their throats about it immediately. But I keep my ears open, and if they repeatedly do it, then I have more force behind my argument when I call them out.
Also, in my experience, "shut up" can be very effective- just not on its own. If you can't think of anything else, and you just say that, people are often stunned for a few seconds. You can use that to get yourself going a little more eloquently. Or, if you already have something in mind, a nice little "therefore, shut the hell up" at the end does a fine job of cutting off whatever weak retorts they might have in mind.
Just some alternate strategies for telling people what's what.
I stood up to some co-workers once, and I have to say, as soon as I heard the awful things they were saying, any fear or reservations I had about scolding them left me immediately.
Our company had recently hired a transgendered boy. No one would have known, but his name badge said "Whitney", which caused other employees to ask questions that were none of their business. And, of course, few of them were mature enough to handle the answers.
One day in the break room, a group of guys was sitting around saying hateful things about Whitney, and I walked in. Most of them were just stupid teenagers, but one was an older man, and I told him he should be old enough to realize that talking bad about someone behind their back about something which they have no control over is wrong. I also threw in the fact that Whitney was more attractive and polite than any of them, and had a very pretty fiance', which is more than I could say for any of them.
To my surprise, most of them just hung their heads in shame or left the room. It wasn't my responsibility to stick up for Whitney, but I'm glad I did it.
I have to say that I like how you handled the situation, except for one thing...was it really necessary to bring appearance into the situation? Does it really matter that Whitney is attractive or has an attractive fiance? Would the situation have been more acceptable if Whitney wasn't attractive, was single, or had an unattractive fiance? I guess I just don't see the point in bringing up looks or what comments about appearance were supposed to accomplish in this situation or similar situations.
Thank you for sharing your story-- I think everyone has a moment where they wish they'd stood up sooner.
In terms of obligation, I think you have an obligation to learn from it, or to tell your story somehow, without internalizing the abuse/hateful speech that they perpetrated. And here, you did just that...
It's terrible when it's a supervisor or boss, like mine. Just today she was going on about how California had so many problems because there were too many "foreigners" there, and the state just needed to sink into the ocean.
Sadly, I do not have another supervisor to turn to. Also, I'm a recent college grad, and everyone I work with is at least twenty, if not thirty years my senior. My opinion never has authority.
But since I'm in a small working group, people do notice when I abruptly leave the work area to go straighten books or whatever if there is a conversation pissing me off. And if my boss is talking directly to me, I do something else and look as uncomfortable as possible about the topic until she changes it. I guess sometimes you can convey your message just as well non-verbally, if you're like me and not in a good position to be too confrontational.
I totally agree. Sometimes a "look" is worth a thousand words.
It's very dependent on the situation (where I am, whether I'm at work, who's around, whether I think anyone nearby is sympathetic, etc.) but one thing I like to do is to "agree" by replying with heavy sarcasm. "Oh dear yes! You are so right! I too am terribly frightened by those strange ho-mo-sexuals! I mean, they wear shoes intended for women, surely they are ripping away at the fabric of American society as we speak! Heavens!" It's hard to argue against someone who agrees with you, even if only in sarcasm. It's especially helpful if you can work out a retort that points out the fear/ignorance in their prejudice; it sometimes works to shame the speakers into being quiet.
Regardless of whether or not I feel I have a responsibility to speak up, I try to do so for almost selfish reasons. I've never ever regretted it when I spoke up in these sorts of situations, even when the result was kind of ugly or unproductive. I almost always regret it when I am silent. For days, weeks, even years. And the times it seems to make people think is more often than I would ever predict. I really appreciate this post, because it's a good reminder to have these sorts of replies ready in advance. I like to imagine being in these situations (just thinking about it will get me worked up!), and then imagining saying something about it. Rehearsing these situations, while maybe a bit silly, really helps me be strong in real life.
It is really tough knowing when and how to speak up, and of course, we cannot change everyone's minds. But those times when you do, it can become a very empowering experience. I think the hardest part of it for me is channeling my anger into a way that I can more proactively speak out against oppressive language and belief-systems. I am still working on finding a way to not jump down people's throats while simultaneously conveying that what they said was hateful and not okay. Thank you for sharing your account, it reminded me of how important it is to speak up!
Excellent tips!
In my lifetime so far I was way too insecure to say anything, then I was way too insecure not to take everything I stood for personally (the tip about not being confrontational really fits here - I either used to start wild fights everytime someone said something I disagreed with or I simply couldn't handle any disagreement and potential debate and would become unproductively anxious), and only recently I found the inner strength and calm. But in a way I'm still learning, always learning... so your post was very helpful.
This is a great post!
I probably would have felt the exact same way if I was in a situation like that. I'll have to keep these tips in mind in case I do encounter something like this.
"Think of yourself as an educator and explain why the words being used/ideas being expressed are harmful and hurtful instead of getting angry."
No, no, no, A THOUSAND TIMES NO!
I am not going to be anyone's effing 'educator' anymore. As a trans woman, who is pretty much Out at work (by virtue of transitioning at work a couple of years ago, so everyone knows and I get immediately outed to new employees) I get plenty of people who refer to me by male pronouns, even though I'm a curvy, leggy, pretty girl.
I've corrected people over and over.
Do you know what they say?
"Oh damn, I did it again. You'll have to keep reminding me until I get it."
I say NO.
It is not my f*cking job to remind them! They know it's wrong, just like the bigotards at work know what they are doing is wrong. I'm not going to say "Please don't say that, it's offensive for reasons X and Y" in order to educate them; instead I now have a policy of going straight to their manager and dropping them headfirst into the eager hands of the HR department for inappropriate conduct.
'Educating' these people doesn't work. They don't want to learn. The only way to get through to them is by punishing them.
I appreciate your attempt to work things out in a peaceful, non-confrontational manner, but I know from experience that it just doesn't work.
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I made this post speaking as a heterosexual and cisgendered ally, which is why I put in the educator part. I personally feel that one of the things I can do to help is to serve as an educator, especially since its not something that is wrongfully expected of me due to my identity.
I fully understand, however, that no one is under any obligation to educate anyone else and I am really sorry if it came off that way. I was simply trying to make a recommendation for those who have an environment where they think education might work and do feel comfortable taking on the task.
And when it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I certainly would waste no time reporting someone who just didn't get it to someone who could make them at least pretend to get it, for the sake of their job.
Sorry again for any misunderstanding.
Again, 'educating' such people doesn't work.
You can politely tell them that what they are doing is wrong, but they don't actually care. Their behaviour is too ingrained; the only way you are going to prevent them displaying that behaviour is the fear of punishment.
If they get hauled over the coals by their boss and are formally warned not to bloody well do it again, THEN it will stick in their brain.
I am aware that education doesn't always work, which is why I said in my response to you that, "when it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I certainly would waste no time reporting someone who just didn't get it to someone who could make them at least pretend to get it, for the sake of their job."
However, whenever possible I PERSONALLY always like to try educating people because, in rare cases, I have seen it make a difference... and, at least for me, it just doesn't hurt to try.
If you can be bothered making the effort, that's your prerogative - and good on you for trying.
Personally, I'm too jaded, downtrodden and disillusioned to bother anymore.
P.S. I do appreciate your efforts on behalf of the less privileged :-)
Your anger is understandable. I empathize.
Your use of "bigotards" is not. Seriously? Do you not miss the irony in the fact that you are othering and belittling someone for the body there were born into...AS A PART OF THAT POST?
I do not think that POC, the trans community, LBG-identified folk, etc. need to actively stand up for every subjugated group of people. For one, it's exhausting when you already have to stand up for yourself every day...for two, it's no more your job than the white cis hetero able male's. However, I would HOPE you wouldn't actively participate in the subjugation of others; especially not here.
Thanks for your open mind!
Your anger is understandable. I empathize.
Your use of "bigotards" is not. Seriously? Do you not miss the irony in the fact that you are othering and belittling someone for the body there were born into...AS A PART OF THAT POST?
I do not think that POC, the trans community, LBG-identified folk, etc. need to actively stand up for every subjugated group of people. For one, it's exhausting when you already have to stand up for yourself every day...for two, it's no more your job than the white cis hetero able male's. However, I would HOPE you wouldn't actively participate in the subjugation of others; especially not here.
Thanks for your open mind!
Huh, so there's a bigot gene? They're born that way?
I think katertot was talking about your use of "-tard"
Oh. My apologies then!
*Shamefaced*
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Yes. It's the reason's why they DO have skinny girls in bikinis at boxing matches that make us cry. Well done for missing the point, yet still bothering to comment.
It hurts to remain silent, but I think at some point you have to forgive yourself. It IS hard to know what to do, and the reality is that you're putting yourself on the line. More likely than not, you WILL be dismissed as an annoying scold who "can't take a joke". And it's hard to have a joke ready as a comeback because these situations just come out of the blue. (Kudos to Zwitter who can do that.) It's better to trust your own judgment, I think, because the dynamics of incidents like these can vary widely.
BTW, Talking about it later is acceptable, and may actually be more effective. If you confront them right away, people are more likely to be defensive. It might also be easier to talk to people one on one (again, reduces defensiveness, and your own discomfort).
I once confronted someone about an extremely nasty homophobic email. To my monumental embarrassment, I started *CRYING*. Yet looking back on it, I have no regrets. The person I talked to about it felt really bad, and I wonder if I perhaps had some effect that way. However, I can imagine that with certain types of people it could have gone very badly.
I've also remained silent at times. Some of them I regret, and others I don't. It's never easy.
This comment is more in regards to the comments on this post rather than the post itself.
As a queer trans man, I'd like to say, in contradiction to what some other commenters have insisted ... actually, no, the post author DOESN'T have to forgive hirself. I mean, I am glad ze eventually did the (really, rather bare minimum) right thing, but I really am mildly disgusted with all the commenters handing out cookies for (eventually) doing the right thing.
Standing up to superiors is undeniably difficult, awkward, and perhaps a bit scary. You know what's even scarier? Being BEATEN WITH BASEBALL BATS by homophobic and transphobic classmates and knowing there's no where you can turn for help, because the one time you DID, you were told, "Well, if only you wore make-up and grew your hair out, maybe they'd pick on you less ..."
THAT'S scary. That's god-will-I-lose-my-life scary, not will-my-boss-be-mad-at-me-for-a-while scary. So forgive me for being somewhat unsympathetic.
I mean, seriously, this wasn't even any borderline, "was that really homophobic or am I misinterpreting here?" kind of hatefulness. Someone dropped the "f" word! That's as unambiguous as homo-hate comes!
This is SUCH a privileged wankfest.
Thank you for your comment - I am in full agreement with you, I don't deserve proverbial cookies nor do I deserve to feel great about the bare minimum I did do, which is why I wrote this post.
I wanted to share and explain where I went wrong, and where I feel many straight & cisgendered allies might go wrong, in simply letting things go because we CAN, in the hopes that others may learn the same lesson I did from my mistake.
Next time I won't be silent, not even for a second.
Now that I went and acted like a jerk, I'm gonna take a step back to say what I should've actually started with: I get it. I do. And I've been there, and I've made that mistake too. I'm privileged in WAY more ways than I'm disprivileged.
My big annoyance is, that when I've admitted I've messed up, others have also scrambled to say, "No, you're being too hard on yourself!" But I really wasn't, I promise I wasn't doing the hair-shirt thing. At any rate, it's the whole dynamic that's the big problem, I think.
Also, I'd like to add a perhaps somewhat cheesey tip on speaking out in spite of fear--practice beforehand. Maybe not to the extent of actually play-acting a scene, but thinking ahead on how to react in various situations has helped me get past that intial, "Really? Surely that person didn't just ... REALLY?" response.
Thanks for writing and for replying.
First of all I wish to congratulate you on being you.The dilemma you write about shows that you are a person with high values, morals and integrity. That fact that you are troubled by your actions or lack of actions shows this. May I point out something you seem to have missed? By thinking about the situation and writing your post you have engaged in an action that few people have the hope, faith and courage to do. You have engaged in an honest and rigorous assessment of your actions, corrected what you can, and decided on a different course of action for the next time. Do not be down on yourself that you did not handle the situation perfectly. We can never be perfect. However that is no excuse not to make little improvements every day. Standing up for your principles is always scary because actions have consequences and some of those cost A LOT. Can I share with you what I myself am working on? I am trying to be lovingly frank instead of being brutally honest. I am trying to mean what I say but not say it mean(hard one for me) Finally what is my motive for speaking up? Am I trying to pull people together or am I trying to push them apart. Head up. Any one regardless of who they are is lucky to have you on their side.
I've taken to task coworkers who have made hateful comments about people with HIV. I let them run on for a little while, and then started in with: Imagine there's someone here who's close to a person with HIV. How do you think those remarks make that person feel? They kind of shook their heads and said "I dunno". Then I let them have it. A good friend of mine is living with HIV and I told them how disgusted I felt by their remarks. I know another person in that department supported her friend though his long battle with AIDS and I didn't want her to have to hear those remarks.
These people were on the same level as me, though, which made it easier to deal with. I don't like to let such remarks go unaddressed, but I can imagine how dealing with supervisors is much trickier. As a supervisor myself, I find a quiet "We don't appreciate that kind of remark here" works pretty well.
A lot of good points here, and I'm more than a little late to the game. I'd just like to point out that in a Trans 101 workshop I completed last year, the facilitators pointed out to us that it might not always be appropriate to call people out on their transphobia. At first that seemed counter-intuitive to us, but it's based upon the very good logic that if you're trying to react to transphobia, this reaction can often be more about you than about the feelings or desires of any transperson involved.
For instance, I was at a diner with some friends after a queer dance party, and there was another booth of guys from a different party at the same diner. They seemed about 16 to me, and they displayed their immaturity when they started making fun of a genderqueer person I knew of vaguely through friends but had never really talked to before.
His friend yelled something back in response, which brought my attention to the scene. I was filled with white-hot rage about .2 seconds after realizing what was going on, and 5'2" me was marching over to kick some ass before I thought back to that workshop.
I stopped at the booth of the person being targeted, and made a show of being very friendly and warm towards them. I asked if they minded me yelling at those immature jerks, and they said they'd actually rather I didn't, because they liked this diner and didn't want to cause a scene, and that they weren't feeling directly threatened anymore (the jerks had stopped jeering by this point). I acquiesced but told them that if they needed help, just give me a glance and I'd be more than happy to deck the assholes.
Anyway! This of course doesn't apply to every situation, and I'd of course lean in favor of pointing out phobias and isms when there's negative groupthink. Just important to think about the audience and who we're potentially outing/making feel singled out with our defense.