Kate Harding's November 2007 blog post, The Fantasy of Being Thin, really resonated with me. I just discovered it, after linking from the also-evocative, more recent post from Mean Asian Girl (The Fantasy of Being White), which details her personal struggles with self-hate and the dissonance between who she was and who she (thought she) yearned to be.
Both of these excellent articles are part memoir, part social critique. While reading them yesterday night I realized that I not only identify with them because I have struggled with both Harding and M.A.G.'s Fantasies (years with an eating disorder and some intricate skin color/racial identity issues). I identify with them because of another particularly relentless one: The Fantasy of Being Rich.
Now I don't mean rich like the Bush family. I've always had a particular affinity, due to my urban very white liberal community as an adolescent, for the upper-middle class. This was a community I identified with, thanks to my teenage trade-in of a fundamentalist Christian background for the "artsy" and "queer" districts in town to act out all my teen angst and tactile wonder. This fantasy has a strong racial dynamic, but that's a whole 'nother conversation, so back to my point.
I was middle class, much to my disappointment. This fantasy has gotten worse as I've grown older. Now at twenty-two I am what you would call "working poor," thanks to various financial shitshows over the past two years. The desolate feeling that quivers through me every time I think of what I can't afford, how terrifying an illness or accident seems, and how much I yearn for a sense of independence and comfort, drives me to fantasize about the woman I "would" be if I had money.
You know who she is. The woman with the cute modern loft and the Vespa/Prius who has a beautiful, open kitchen filled with organic local food. She has The Best Job. She has The Best Partner, who also has plenty of disposable income and is just as progressive and enlightened and drinks the best wine. The woman who is effortlessly beautiful because she is never stressed. She is never scared because she lives in the safest, friendliest, yet most diverse neighborhood in town. She is a better writer, more punctual, more confident, more stylish. She's more social, she's healthier, she speaks French and Italian. She has access and optimism. She has a fulfilling life. She didn't get kicked out of her university for financial reasons. She totally graduated and is working on her master's. She doesn't feel simultaneously trapped and discarded.
Surprise surprise, the majority of the women I project this fantasy onto are members of feminist and/or progressive spheres. Like Rachel Maddow, Naomi Klein, and even Feministing's editors. Kate Harding's blog explicitly details this sect of individuals: "urban, liberal, feminist, latte-drinking, overeducated, intellectual, unapologetically p.c. amrican patriots." An edited version of the people who Christian Lander pokes fun at in his blog and book "Stuff White People Like," (Samhita's excellent response is here). When I read Harding's blog description, I think, "I'm all of these things, more or less. But I can't afford a cell phone, I work for tips, and the only health care I have is Planned Parenthood."
I am not saying that Feministing's editors are the kind of people "Stuff White People Like" is poking fun at, and I am not trying to imply that Harding's blog is elitist. Projecting an inaccurate and simplistic fantasy on others is problematic. With this Fantasy of Being Rich, I assume that upper-middle class people do not have their own struggles, anxieties, and shortcomings. I am assuming that I would be a "better person" and have a "fun, simple life."
The most difficult thing about this is, money does provide access and power in our capitalist system. Money determines where you live, what kind of care and protection you receive, what public and private forums you have access to, what you eat, where you go to school, or if you go to school at all. Our system is pervasively classist as well as sexist, heteronormative, transphobic, racist, and dis/abelist (plus I'm probably missing one!). It makes sense why I fantasize about how fabulous it must be to have money power.
Sometimes I think that if my family were just a little more wealthy and perhaps a little less black, I would have graduated college this spring, which makes all sorts of well-educated soy-chai-drinking well-dressed shiny employment benefits fantasies dance like sugarplum fairies in my head. That line of thinking is self-destructive, but easy to perpetuate, thanks in part to our rabid consumer culture.
Kate Harding says in her post, "the message we're sending is that you're actually allowed to love your fat body instead of hating it, and you can take steps to substantially improve your health without fighting a losing battle with your weight. " This is a vital message, and one of the many reasons I love Shapely Prose in particular and the fat acceptance movement in general.
I think we all would be much happier loving ourselves, regardless of current physical appearance/abilities, sex, gender, orientation, color, race, and yes, class. I am working hard to better my situation, yes, but not because I believe my life will be perfect when I am more financially comfortable. I want to invest in who I am and who I actually could be. I will never be this flawless Vespa-riding foxy radical womyn who has The Best Job and The Best Partner, who never feels trapped and never fears. There is no such person, even after I attain more financial security. I will always be flawed, loud, loving, flaky, wonder-filled me.
Does anyone else relate to this Fantasy of Being Rich? If so, how do you deal with it, considering our consumer culture and capitalist system?
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i go through this in my mind A LOT having grown up with very little money. i used to imagine being 'rich' somehow solving so many problems it would not (like happiness, like self-esteem). it would suddenly make me beautiful and happy... RIGHT....
one thing it would have helped (and still would) is my health though. I'd be able to get the medical care i need. but other than that, money really won't give me much of anything.
often when i start to beat myself up over not having a so-called cool apartment in a trendy neighborhood or the right new clothes, i start mentally listing off things that make me smile and try to recall situations where i felt at peace or happy. sadly, sometimes those things are rare, but they also rarely include purchases or money related items. they're more situational, like seeing an old friend, watching kids play, hugging someone, riding my skateboard around, painting etc. so it helps to ground me to remember what actually makes me feel good versus what i imagine would make me feel good.
often when i start to beat myself up over not having a so-called cool apartment in a trendy neighborhood or the right new clothes, i start mentally listing off things that make me smile and try to recall situations where i felt at peace or happy.
That is a good idea. Thanks for reading preppy!
glad i could help! i don't always have the most positive attitude and have to really work to make sure i don't slide into a funk. sometimes i just repeat to myself 'you know what? i'm kinda awesome!'. cheesy but it totally works.
urban, liberal, feminist, latte-drinking, overeducated, intellectual, unapologetically p.c. amrican patriots
Oh, you skewer me. Yes, I relate to your fantasy of being rich. Here you have me, Sabriel on a stick. Not only did you pin down the woman I wish I were (and can't afford to be) you're also painfully accurate about how easy it is to project that fantasy onto other people.
What's worse, I make decisions that are bad for me in an effort to pretend that I am that person when I'm not. I also let the fact that I am not that person prevent me from doing things that would be good for me.
I'll be thinking about this post, and reading the pages you linked to. Thank you.
Thanks for reading Sabriel! I'm glad you liked my post.
What's worse, I make decisions that are bad for me in an effort to pretend that I am that person when I'm not. I also let the fact that I am not that person prevent me from doing things that would be good for me.
I did quite a bit of this too, when I was younger. It has happened on a few occasions over the past year, particularly making decisions that are bad for me because I'm playing the part of this "perfect" person I have never been and will never be. I think one of the toughest things to overcome is projecting the fantasy onto others.
just so you know such a life is only a fantasy, money does not give you everything handed to you on a silver platter, it may make some things easier to deal with but there is no such thing as the perfect job and the perfect life. Nobody has it all and if that facade is there in front of you then there is a lot of dirty laundry hiding in their closets that is just not obvious to everyone around them, before we say that having a good paying job gives people the perfect lives we need to take a look at reality and remember that we are living in the real world here, not in lala land
"Does anyone else relate to this Fantasy of Being Rich?"
For nearly 40 years now.
I would be careful about downplaying the feelings of people who believe they would have better lives if "only" they were more financially secure. Too often it seems people who do so speak from a position of privilege, to deny their privilege, as when "rich" people lament how much their lifestyle costs, how they "need" their money, and how their lives are not actually so great. Let's try switching salaries and assets, and let me make that decision for myself.
Let's try switching salaries and assets, and let me make that decision for myself.
LOL I've thought and said exactly that before, good point. I hope it didn't seem like I was downplaying the feelings of people who believe they would have better lives if they were more financially secure, because I am one of those people essentially. I wouldn't want to belittle my own feelings and the feelings of many, many others. If it came off that way, I'm sorry. It is definitely a complicated feeling.
there is a nail, and you have smote it a smashing blow directly upon its metallic little head. yeah, um... sorry. you hit the nail on the head. great post.
Thanks Lea!
Thanks Lea!
I totally relate. I've had the feeling before of 'well I'm a feminist now, but I could probably be an even better one if I had more money.' For example, I could buy more things from independent companies that outwardly support women, rather than Walmart and similar places. That's just one example, but I completely get where you're coming from on this.
I could buy more things from independent companies that outwardly support women, rather than Walmart and similar places.
I struggle with that a lot too. I think, "If I could afford it, I would support more local and independent companies and I would donate regularly to feminist non-profits." But then I remind myself that whether I can afford to do those things or not has no bearing on me as a person, me as a feminist, or me as a progressive member of society.
I love this, femme. You talk about something that many well-to-do liberals/progressives will not or seem oblivious to in their daily lives - the rank classism pervasive in our society, and its pernicious effects. Right now I just want a full-time job so I don't lose my apartment and health insurance, even shitty health insurance. I can't even afford the fantasy anymore.
Also, I second the poster above about when people with money whine about how their lives aren't as easy as they think, or that it won't buy you happiness. I wish I and everyone in our world (and I am totally privileged compared to the vast majority of the world) could be so put-upon and unhappy.
I can totally relate. I fantasize about it a lot. But there's also a part of me that romanticizes my being poor. I'm not a punk but the punk rock scene has definitely influenced this attitude, DIY, Food Not Bombs, protests and sticking it to the man, yeah its hard but a lot of times I wouldn't have it any other way.
I grew up very poor and through a mixture of luck, education and emotional support from my family now have what I regard as a well paying job.- $63,000 a year. My partner also works full time and she earns about $50,000 a year (partly self employed so her income varies).
Of course having money does not itself make your life happy, but it does make it easier. We live in a nice neighbourhood with low crime levels where I feel safe - unlike the crime ridden neighbourhood I grew up in.
We don't have to worry about putting the heating on, the cost of car repairs, whether we can afford to go out with friends for a meal or a drink, or a hundred and one other things that people without money have to think about.
Money in itself doesn't guarantee you will be happy, but it definetly makes life easier. I think that often people who have never been poor underestimate the stress and hardship caused by a real lack of money. In my personal experience, it is always people who are comfortable off who insist that money doesn't matter.
By the way when I was a teenager I used to fantasise often about being rich.
i talked to my bf about this last night because, after reading it and commenting, i wanted his input (we share our $ and both aren't that great handling it...). we both grew up VERY poor. i won't get into the bitter details but needless to say, we grew up in the same town lacking in a lot of very basic things. i agree with the above, being comfortable means a lot. but i think now that i have the food i need and a place to live (although our heat gets shut off a lot.... it's not THAT nice here) i have learned to stop that fantasizing about BILLIONS of dollars and just be happy with what we've managed to scrape together. as i gained money over time, i think my idea of "NEED" vs. "WANT" changed. and i have to step back and evaluate it again and again.