Of course you can wait until marriage if that's what you want. If you're not ready, you're just not ready. There's nothing wrong with that at all! Be comfortable with everything you do; no need to feel guilty afterwards or be pressured into something.

Do what you want. Be happy.

Feminism is just as much choosing to not have intercourse as it is being free to choose to have intercourse. So no worries there.

Like you said, you've just discovered your sexuality and you're becoming more and more comfortable with it. What you do with your body is your decision.

I hope that as you continue you'll work through the feelings of judgment and shame, tactics used by the church and other virginity-fetishist-groups. Feeling bad about oneself or choices is a bummer.

It's up to you. Everyone gets to set her or his own terms, and others get to take them or leave them. You're right to set your own timeline, and he's right not to pressure you. If it were a deal breaker for him, he'd need to find someone who shared his view.

Hey, I waited 'til marriage and I still consider myself to be a feminist! I didn't exactly have the same guilt stuff as you did, but maybe my experience will help... Two main reasons I waited:

1) Did NOT want to even BEGIN to risk getting pregnant. Despite being on the pill a full 6 years before I got married (was not with the same guy the whole time).

2) Decided that it would be nice to have one thing that I experienced with only one person. I had done 'other stuff' with boyfriends prior, but had always known I'd wait for PIV sex 'til marriage. Mostly because of point 1, and in high school, partially for religious reasons, so I know where you're coming from there.

Of course, it helps that my now-husband was a PIV virgin on our wedding night, too, which means it's something we've only ever shared with each other. I did NOT want to be pigeonholed as 'the good girl who waited for just the Right Man' either - I'm not sure how I would have felt if he'd had PIV sex and I hadn't.

My now-husband did not push me once I explained my views, and we dated for 3 years prior to getting engaged, and were engaged for a year before we got married, so I also didn't rush into marriage just to have sex, as I've seen people who make 'pledges' and whatnot do. The bottom line is, if it feels right, do it; if you feel 'wrong' for ANY reason, no matter how silly you think it is, it's probably best to hold off.

I hope I made sense and didn't sound judgey. People definitely do NOT have to make the same choices I did (most people I know and love did/do not), but I hope the OP gets something out of my experiences. :-)

P.S. The wedding night was awkward and hilarious - we were so used to everything else that it was weird trying to figure out how PIV worked, exactly. So don't expect tv drama perfection, lol! We still laugh about it. And we're getting better together, which is fun. ;-)

Have you talked to him about why you don't want to have intercourse? He may back off a little if you share these feelings with him, maybe have him read this post. If he loves you like he claims he does he won't want you to do something that you are not ready to do, he'll want you to be comfortable with the choices that you are making about your body. It would be more of an antifeminist thing for you to do something that you don't want to just so that you can make him happy. That being said, if you don't believe anything that the church taught you and the only thing that is stopping you is your old religion, then I say go for it. But that choice is entirely yours and not one you can allow anyone to make for you, all of us and your boyfriend included

"...Is there anything wrong with waiting until marriage if this guarantees I won’t wake up the next morning—or even weeks or months later—sick with guilt and hating myself? Does it necessarily contradict feminism?..."

No way does it contradict feminism! It's your body and you have the right to refuse sex for any reason. There's no waiting-for-marriage exception to no means no.

The first time that you have sex with someone you love, it's going to be special. Both my SO and I had been with others before, but our first time together was still wonderfully special. Waiting until marriage, FOR US, wasn't going to make it any more or less special than it already was.

That's not to say that you should have PIV sex when you know that you're not ready. If I were you, I'd consider ways of easing into it, even if you're just easing into doing it after you're married. Start considering your birth control options now. Talk with your doctor about your options and think about it. That way, the voices that chastise you will be a little quieter when the time comes.

Personally, I found PIV to be the easiest step, guilt-wise, for me. There is just so much focus on it, and that silly flap of skin that may not even be there, it seems momentous before you do it and then turns out to be so... silly? Sorry, but that was my first reaction: THIS is what everyone gets so worked up over?

For me, the big deal was finding the person I loved most in the world. The physical ways we showed that love were incidental (but FUN).

But to echo others here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you're ready. You know yourself the best. Just make sure you're waiting because YOU want to.

1. You are a mature adult and you can decide what you want to do. If you would like to wait until marriage there is nothing wrong with that. I also personally waited quite a while to have sex.

2. However, there was one thing that raised a red flag to me and that was when you said, "But I’m afraid that if my boyfriend and I have intercourse, I’ll lose that ever-valuable hymen card, and that the guilt will creep into everything and ruin our relationship. Also, I’m afraid of the stigma I’ll face from my family, my friends, even the doctor I’d have to see to get birth control. This alone would probably be enough to turn me into a guilt-stricken wreck."

I don't really see that as a healthy attitude. I'm not saying it's unhealthy to want to delay intercourse but....if having intercourse (especially since you have been intimate in other ways)would send you into such a downward spiral, that does not seem good. It makes me think that you may be putting too much of your self-worth into your hymen and what people think about it. Which also makes me think of the Purity Myth that Jessica has been talking about.

Again, I'm not saying you should do something you're not ready for. Just that it might be good to examine your motivations and fears surrounding these issues.

Does that make sense?

I had sex for the first time at 24 with the man I would eventually marry. I wasn't waiting for anything in particular, I just hadn't met someone with whom I cared to be that intimate. Before Tony, I had only french kissed and groped a little. Our first time was not a success, but the next night was hilarious and FUN!

Anyway, I agree that all humans have the right to say no to sex, never mind the reason. However I would encourage you to think about the reasons you are holding back from full sexual intercourse only because you say you've done a lot of other things. What is it that makes intercourse different? If your boyfriend is bringing you to orgasm on a regular basis I say a) penis-in-vagina seems a technicality and b) you are WAY luckier than I.

But here's what I feel is the most important thing I can say in response to your post:

Also, some part of me imagines that an eventual marriage will be more meaningful if I have something to share with my husband—some sort of symbolic indicator of love, something that will simultaneously give both sex and the marriage more meaning.

Nothing can make sex or marriage more meaningful than the fact you willingly agree to share in it. You bring your mind, your body, your thoughts and actions. You don't need a symbolic indicator of love because you and your partner will already embody it.

P.S.
The virginal intact hymen is a myth. In reality, if it is not completely broken by now, it most definitely has one or more holes. If not, you would have a very real, and serious, medical problem during your menses. Look up "imperforate hymen" for more info. The fact that a lot of women don't know this is a reflection on the serious problem with sex-ed in public schools.

"virginal intact hymen is a myth"

Most definitely. My hymen was probably completely broken long before PIV sex. And I just asked three of my female friends and they all said they didn't have an intact hymen when they first had sex. Besides, as you said you wouldn't be able to have your period if your hymen was fully intact, so it's already broken.

To give a view from the other side. Issues like this can be hard on both sides of the relationship. Even if your boyfriend is told that this isn't about him it might be hard for him to fully believe that.

He may be viewing sexual intercourse narrowly, yet that is his prerogative as much as it is yours to view it more broadly. A difficult question to ask might be that although he would prefer to be having vaginal intercourse, whether he is sufficiently satisfied to wait until your ready without any idea if you'll ever be ready. Its a difficult question in that the answer might be unpleasant, or that he might not answer truthfully.

Of course waiting is a valid choice and there's nothing anti-feminist about it. You have to make your own choices and follow your own pace. Just make sure that you're doing what you truly want. I know this can be hard because you've been taught to feel guilt over fulfilling your desires.

"some part of me imagines that an eventual marriage will be more meaningful if I have something to share with my husband—some sort of symbolic indicator of love"

You will have something to share with your husband regardless of whether you're still a virgin: you'll be able to share the rest of your lives together. For me, I can't see why the first time with the love of your life would be less important simply because you had been with other men before.

I feel a little like I know where you're coming from. I was raised in a very conservative environment. I had PIV sex just to get it over with and did feel badly about it. It takes a long time to get over that kind of upbringing. I was a year into my (lesbian) relationship when I stopped having pangs of "I'm going to hell!" even though everything else I knew and felt told me otherwise.

Doing what is best for your emotional health is never the wrong choice. It's very important, especially coming to terms with a strict religious upbringing. I found talking to a therapist to be very helpful.

You're right. Religion is excellent at controlling people. And it's hard to come to terms with that. I wish you the best on your journey to discovering your sexuality.

Thanks for posting! I admire the long and awesome journey you've gone through in your life. You sound like a strong and intelligent woman.

The decision to have sex for the first time is yours and yours alone. You sound comfortable with the physical aspects of it, but I'm going to echo the concerns of a few other commenters. It seems like your main reason for waiting until marriage is not really *your* reason.

But I’m afraid that if my boyfriend and I have intercourse, I’ll lose that ever-valuable hymen card, and that the guilt will creep into everything and ruin our relationship. Also, I’m afraid of the stigma I’ll face from my family, my friends, even the doctor I’d have to see to get birth control. This alone would probably be enough to turn me into a guilt-stricken wreck.

First of all, you probably don't have a hymen anymore. The fully-intact hymen is a myth. The vast majority of women don't have hymens at all, or have ripped hymens, by the time they have sex. My hymen broke when I was fifteen while my partner at the time finger-fucked me (sorry if that's TMI haha) but I didn't have PIV sex until my eighteenth birthday.

Second, in my opinion, you've already had sex. I typically consider sex to be anything where orgasms took place. Maybe that's 'cause I'm queer.

Third, it sounds like you are waiting until marriage because you feel like you would lose some kind of value by having premarital sex, which is definitely not true. You are keenly aware of how fundamentalist Christianity controls women; particularly women's bodies. Women are valued and judged by their sexuality, their ability to have children, and their ability to defer to their husbands. Part of this message seems to be affecting you still.

That is the hardest part about moving away from fundamentalist Christianity. I grew up in a very conservative Christian household too, and that's why I was in the closet until the beginning of this year, even after becoming a "feminist" and a "GLBTQ ally" in high school. I was plagued with guilt and fear. I felt like I would be somehow damned if I admitted it, even though I logically knew that was bullshit. I know being in the closet isn't at all the same as waiting until marriage, but your motivations for waiting seem similar to mine.

To reiterate what others have said, I don't believe that waiting 'til marriage is un-feminist at all. An integral part of feminism is the belief that we should be able to control and enjoy what happens to our bodies. We should be able to share them or keep them private in whatever ways we wish. Neither promiscuity or abstinence, on their own, are inherently anti-feminist.

Now, as for the question of whether saving sex for marriage makes vaginal intercourse more meaningful... Sex is as meaningful as you make it. It seems like for you sex is something that is a very big deal indeed. You've struggled with the concept, thought about it a lot, and had it affect your life in important ways. That kind of journey very legitimately plays into your decision whether or not to have premarital sex.

I was molested and raped when I was young. Even though I grew up in a relatively sex positive family, I struggled with feelings of guilt and shame for a long time. I dated a boy for three years when I was a teenager and never had intercourse with him, largely because I felt like I had not healed enough from the rape to be intimate in that way. My life experiences had made it so that sex is laden with all kinds of meaning for me. It's not just the physical act. It unavoidably conjures up memories and emotions. So when I had PIV intercourse for the first time, when I was 18, it was more meaningful because of the wait. I was happy that I'd abstained until the time and the person was right. Having intercourse was a milestone in my emotional recovery. If I'd rushed into it, my first time would not have been as symbolic and beautiful for me.

What I'm trying to communicate is that it's easy, as a feminist, to say that virginity in the traditional sense shouldn't matter like it does in our society. It's easy to observe that the line between virgin and non-virgin is arbitrary from an objective point of view. But, no matter what an ideal world would be, the norms around us shape our perceptions and experiences, which in turn determine our comfort with sex. We've been stuffed with misinformation. We've been brainwashed or violated or shamed. We've been hurt or lied to or pressured. There is therefore no shame in treating PIV intercourse as a big step. You've been on quite the journey when it comes to your sexuality. It's therefore totally understandable that you'd only feel comfortable engaging in that act under very specific circumstances.

As for the situation with your boyfriend, it's always hard when partners have different sexual expectations. Ultimately, "fairness" doesn't really enter into it. You do not owe him anything sexual. If you are willing to compromise because you believe that the positives of having intercourse for your relationship outweigh the negatives, then by all means, do so! But if, after soul-searching, you decide that this is a line that can't be crossed, that you are simply not ready, you shouldn't do it out of a sense of duty. Your body is yours and no one has any right to it but you.

I realize that my philosophy about sexual incompatibilities can sometimes lead relationships to their demise. But, ultimately, I think it's more important to be honest with yourself. Having sex when you don't really want to will not do you nor your partner nor your relationship any favors.

That guilt your talking about is something I think most women, and some men, have felt one time or another.
I never grew up in a religious household, but I still had to deal with that guilt until I started thinking for myself around the age of 17.
Now I'm 20, almost 21, and all that guilt has been gone, gone, gone for a long time now.
It just takes time, but you can speed up the process of healing by saturating yourself with feminism, and surrounding yourself with people who are feminists. That helped me more than any self help book ever.

I agree with the other commenter that there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until marriage. That's totally you're decision to make, and it doesn't contradict feminism in any way.

Feminism is against the churches and culture that make women feel guilty about sex - not against any choices women make to cope.

As to whether or not its fair to your boyfriend: you don't owe him anything. You're not controlling his ideas, you're controlling your body.

You're not going to be doing either of you any favors by having PIV sex for his sake, before you feel ready.

Good for you for being able to recognize that you aren't emotionally ready. He should respect your boundaries--saying what he wishes would be happening is pressuring you, in a way.

That said, I understand why vaginal intercourse is important to him. My partner and I aren't having vaginal sex right now, for other reasons. We do everything else. And I miss it. It brought an intimacy that is hard to reproduce without it. I'm certainly not saying this is true of everyone, just that I get why he is looking forward to it.

You should let him know that you are not comfortable with him continually letting you know his desires, especially since he knows you are not ready for this. If he persists, maybe you two just aren't sexually compatible right now and should split.

"When I started dating my boyfriend, I felt guilty for every sexual deed or thought."

Same. I would think of whatever step we had taken the night before and it would make my physically cringe the next day. It takes a while to undo the guilt that we've been taught.

"Is there anything wrong with waiting until marriage if this guarantees I won’t wake up the next morning—or even weeks or months later—sick with guilt and hating myself?"

I don't see anything wrong with waiting for marriage. However, I don't think waiting for marriage is the only way to "guarantee" that you won't have those guilty feelings. When you are ready, you will know. I think that when I finally did have sex, it was the only thing I didn't feel guilty about because even though we weren't married, it had a lot of meaning for us. My boyfriend and I waited nearly 2 years to have sex and I have to say my first time was perfect. He said to me at the time that even if we split, he was glad that our first time was with each other--I definitely agree.

Thanks, everyone, for your wonderful advice and support. I really needed some advice without fear of being judged.

When I first submitted this to be posted, I panicked and emailed the editors, asking them to remove it. Apparently, they don't usually do that. I asked again, so I don't know if it will happen. Having all of this private information online makes me extremely nervous.

However, I'm glad that I took a risk--you all have helped me see a little more clearly and feel more confident with my decisions. Also, it's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with leftover guilt.

Thanks again,

L.

There's lots of good advice above, but I wanted to comment because I had this exact experience a little bit earlier in my own life. When I deconverted from Christianity, I was already pretty feminist, and this necessarily meant that I wanted to experiment with sexuality in ways that were comfortable for me. That guilt hung with me for years with my first boyfriend. It was awful. Every time we did anything (we never did end up having intercourse), I felt ugly and dirty and sinful. Which I knew, intellectually and logically, was absolutely stupid.

The only way I got over this was time. I didn't have anyone to support me, because I didn't ever express any of this to my boyfriend. You just have to keep reminding yourself that your worth is not calculated by your sexual experience. One of the best ways that I did this was by catching myself judging other women who were slutty. I was allowing myself to see women who had multiple partners as morally worse than myself, since I was monogamous. That moral scale was what was causing my guilt. Sex of any form or kind (provided it's between consenting adults) does not make you a bad person. Not judging other women based on this was a big step in learning not to judge myself.

Of course, don't have sex until you're ready. But being ready should be when you've learned to stop seeing sex as part of a person's moral worth, not when you've taken a step (getting married) that outside forces tell you makes it morally okay to have sex. You should determine your worth, not other people.

Hmm. It seems that you are both putting more value on PIV sex than the kind of sex you are currently having. Him, because he argues that it’s only natural for two people in love to make love, you, because, by not having PIV sex, you are holding on to your “hymen card” and you believe that this “card” will bring value to a marriage.

We engage in all sorts of sexual activity: caressing, hand jobs, showing together, oral sex. Yet he doesn’t seem to understand these things as making love. I’ve told him that it’s kind of a narrow view to consider intercourse as the only way of making love

From the other comments about the hymen, it seems that a woman’s “hymen card” has nothing to do with her physical hymen, and everything to do with her own definition of her virginity status. You believe that you still have your virginity because you haven’t had PIV intercourse. But how can you “make love” to your partner and maintain your virginity? How can one fully make love yet hold things back?
I want to be clear, I’m not trying to be all “judge-y”. You get to define your own sexuality and virginity.

Secondly, YOU bring value to a marriage. YOU are valuable. Your value does not disappear when your “hymen card” does.

Also, I’m afraid of the stigma I’ll face from my family, my friends, even the doctor I’d have to see to get birth control.
How will your family and friends know you’ve had PIV sex? Do they all know about your current sex life? Also, most doctors are pretty cool about birth control.