First - congratulations on your joined happiness!

Second - To the finances...
I have been been married twice and each time my partner and I paid for our own expenses rather than asking either family to donate to the cause. If one or both sets of parents want to pay for part or all of the ceremony and surrounding events, that is extremely nice of them, but it shouldn't be considered a requirement or a slight if it does not occur.

My best advice is to determine what you can handle financially, both with your own money and with any gift-money being offered by either family if you choose, and then plan your wedding based only on that budget. If you feel that something that is essential to your wedding is beyond your means, you can always ask for financial assistance, but I would not take it personally at all if none is offered or available. Even some people who would have been considered quite comfortable last year are feeling the budget pinch now.

Good luck! I hope you find a solution that works for you :)

I agree that the tradition of the bride's parents financing the wedding is outdated and unfair. I personally don't see why parents on either side of the partnership should be expected to pay for the wedding. Yes, it's nice if they have the means and offer to do so, but it shouldn't be taken as a given.

"And why should my family, struggling to raise younger siblings, have to pay thousands of dollars for a day that is revolving around my partner and I"

They shouldn't, and neither should your partner's parents. You say you're not complaining, but despite your assertions to the contrary it really does sound like you are expecting other people to pay for your wedding (and the honeymoon and the dinner). They're not the one's getting married, you are. If you really want to shatter tradition, why not plan a wedding on a budget that you and your partner can afford, and take whatever financial assistance your family members give you simply as an added bonus?

"which is wonderful, and I'm very grateful for that, but it's really just a timeshare that they have"

You really don't sound very grateful given that you feel the need to keep slipping in comments about how both your parents and your partner's parents aren't spending enough money.

As far as the controlling mother in law goes, if she ever tries to dictate what you need to do at your wedding simply tell her that you are planning your wedding on a budget and so you have to make the wedding decisions yourselves.

On the other hand if you really do want financial assistance from your in laws and you think they would be happy to provide it, then you can't just sit around hoping that it will happen. They can't read your mind, you have to ask for it (or have your partner ask for it if that's less awkward)

I was just married a year ago. Trust me, I remember exactly what it was like to get sucked in to all of the "tradition" of the wedding. People become aghast if you stray just a little bit. It was a struggle for me and I ended up only having enough energy to fight for what I considered my main issues. But then, I had a lot of financial support.

I would say that you should plan on having a smaller wedding, without relying too much on outside sources. Tell family that you don't want and can't afford a lot of the traditional stuff. For example, instead of a rehearsal dinner, have a rehearsal potluck BBQ.

I think that most of the "tradition" that exists with weddings are just there to make them more expensive. So screw tradition and do the things you want to do and find a way that you could possibly pay for them yourself. You'll discover what's really important for you.

I think that if you cannot afford to pay for a wedding without the assistance of either one of your families than for now you should have a very small elopement ceremony and when you can afford a ceremony than have a vow renewal and hold that as your real wedding.

I didn't know this was still a tradition. I got married last year and it never even occurred to us or our families to do it this way. I remember once a joke being made about this but everyone seemed puzzled by it.

Then again we live in a pretty progressive area, and we are both in our early 30s so we mostly paid for the wedding ourselves. We did get some help from each of the parents though it was pretty equal from each.

I think if you are going to have assistance from parents it should be from both sets, unless one refuses to pay (in our case it was my parents who actually contributed a bit less because they are so cheap...)

The biggest favor a couple can do for themselves is paying for their own wedding. It cannot be emphasized enough.

Why?
1) Money, either from your folks or your future in-laws, will come with strings.
2) If you and your partner pay for the wedding, you'll get to make your own decisions.
3) If you're ready for marriage, you're ready to pay your own way in life.

Set aside a savings fund for the wedding, pick a date, and budget. Put an upper limit and a goal cost down. DIY where you can. Find talented friends to help with things like music, photography, etc.

I'm getting married next month, and I empathize with everything that you are going through.

I had the same bs that you're getting from his family-- that traditionally the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner (it's not actually traditional at all). Unfortunately my fiance's parents are not in great money situations now, so it's hard to press the point (though the only reason my parents had money to help pay for the wedding was that they were saving up for it. unfair that his parents were not saving up, yes.)

You have several options:

1. (this is what we did) Ask his parents to pay for the food and drink of who ever they invite (family and family-friends). Tell them it is unfair that your parents should have to pay for their guests, and point out that your parents are shouldering a bigger cost by paying for the music, venue, chapel, tips, etc. And as the food and drink is the biggest cost of the whole affair, this is a pretty good compromise. You can either ask that they pay, or lay down the line and say that they cannot invite anyone that they do not pay for as neither you two nor your parents can afford to pay for their guests.

2. Up and ask that the groom's parents put money towards the wedding, and (clear this with your parents first) that your parents will split the cost of the rehearsal dinner.

3. Cancel the rehearsal dinner entirely and ask that they instead contribute that money toward the wedding. Don't listen to cries of "but it's tradition!" or "so-and-so will be hurt that there's no dinner!" You don't need a rehearsal dinner, and the biggest headache of a wedding is fulfilling everyone's EXPECTATION of what a wedding should be. A lot of times the grooms parents latch onto the rehearsal dinner because they want to be included in planning the affair, but feel that the wedding planning belongs to the bride's parents (especially the mother). If you decide to cancel the rehearsal dinner, assure the groom's parents that they will have an involvement in the wedding planning itself, that they will not be left out. You worry about the groom's mom being overbearing and controlling, but they only have as much control as you give them. If you and your groom control all decisions of the wedding, and hand out specific jobs to both sets of parents to complete (like printing out the name cards after you have designed them, or buying the materials needed for the centerpieces that you planned) they can be involved without controlling.

4. Pay for everything yourselves.

Ultimately, neither sets of parents have the obligation to pay for any of the wedding. But you and your groom also have no obligation to do or not to do anything with your wedding. Don't be afraid to say "no" to someone who is expecting something out of the wedding that neither your nor your groom wants. Good luck breaking out of the sexist rut!

My understanding of tradition is that the bride's family pays for the wedding, the groom's family pays for the reception. In our case, my parents paid for both (although we did spend a few hundred on clothes and plane tickets) because my MIL was in a tight financial situation, plus my parents were in a better position to organise things than anyone else (aside--cross-country wedding planning sucks).

As far as absolute costs, weddings don't have to be horribly expensive. I deeply hold to the KISS philosophy when it comes to weddings. Keep the ceremony short and sweet so that you don't bore your guests (or yourselves). For the reception, focus on having fun with friends and family. That's what matters. I remember seeing a Sally show once about brides who were going into debt for their weddings. One asked, 'Well, what can you get for $10k?'. Sally pointed at her fiance and said, 'Him'.

Thank you so much to everyone for your feedback! It is much appreciated, and you all had some wonderful ideas.

Destra, you were right on with where I'm at emotionally with all of this. I was not trying to sound whiny, or ungrateful to my in-laws. You seem to understand that. Thanks :)

I will have to eventually ask my future in-laws for their financial help. I will just have to be careful with how I word it, because like hry said, it can come with strings.

I think that it is definitely a good solution to not have a rehearsal dinner... that would be shattering the tradition! And it wouldn't mean that we couldn't have a rehearsal, just probably not a meal afterwards or beforehand.

As of right now, we are at the very beginning of planning. I have been making "save the date" cards that I made with all of the art materials I currently have at home. I've only spent $15 bucks on extra modge podge and collage materials that I've needed for them.

There are so many ways to cut corners. The main thing I would need my in-laws help on is catering- which I think is a reasonable thing to ask for help with. I think asking them to cover their guests' costs would be something they'd be open to discussing.

Thanks again to all who commented and gave great advice! And also to Marie123, thank you for pointing out my two-sidedness. You're right, if I do need their help, I need to be upfront and honest with them, and not just expect it.

'Tradition' is just another word people use to try to defend outdated practices that have no social relevancy anymore, like women taking mens' last names and a bride's parents automatically being assigned with paying for everything (modern day dowry?). Just saying "Well, it's tradition!' takes less effort than actually stopping to think about why we do things and what the traditions were based on in the first place ( and most of them are based on social norms that most people would be appalled by today).