Interesting post, Tara. It sounds to me like you personally prefer cohabitation, and it also sounds like you feel guilty about your simultaneous desire to be respected by your family and peers.

I am only twenty-two, but I have dealt with the same disrespect. I am cohabiting with my partner of two years and my mother constantly belittles our relationship because we're not married, even though it's ridiculous to want us to get married because we're so young. Neither of us have any interest in getting married now, but it does make me think about five years from now, ten years from now.

I am not interested in marriage for the same reasons you aren't - but I can't help being interested in the 1300 or so benefits later in life, haha. I have no problem with others who choose to get married. My personal feelings toward marriage are a little more convoluted though, because I'm queer (Mom doesn't know that!), so I know that if I end up in a long-term cohabiting relationship with a woman, I'll suddenly be a second-class citizen. Go America.

The choice is ultimately up to you and your partner. Talk with him about it - get his feelings on the subject, ask him why he wants/doesn't want to get married. Like I said, it seems to me like you prefer cohabitation, and you may end up happily unmarried for the rest of your life. Hope my ramblings helped, haha.

commitment ceremony! commitment ceremony!

you get to show the family, friends, coworkers etc. that you are indeed in a committed valuable relationship in which both partners love and respect equally, and can abandon the offending symbols/acts/roles associated with the ceremony. Hell, it's just a fancy party where you and your partner get up and say how much you love each other.

Mind you, this is still pandering to others, but its a possible compromise for this situation.

I'm in a relationship with a man right now (albeit we're having difficulties), and we're living together. I can tell you that every time I deal with a stranger, a business, the cable company, etc. he is always referred to as "my husband." Mind you, I am living in the south where old traditions are still heavily ingrained, but when I had relationships up north, I went through similar experiences. When I had to explain to my daughter's teacher that we weren't married, my face turned red, and I almost broke out into a sweat; I was so uncomfortable. The reactions around here are almost complete shock when they find out that we are living together, but not married. I don't even think it has anything to do with religion. For some reason it is just treated as taboo.

I really don't see the appeal of marriage. To me it's just a burden that adds limits to ones life. I honestly can't see myself as a "wife" nor do i aspire to be. I'm sure that love must be great, I've never felt it before, but the idea of marriage cripples my aspirations in life. I just can't understand why it's only socially acceptable to be married. Apparently single women are premiscuous, single men are are taking their time, and married couples are perfect. Doesn't make much sense to me. All I can say that marriage is certianly not in my future

I second the commitment ceremony idea.

There is no law stating that just because you are legally unwed, you can't exchange vows and wear gold bands and refer to each other as husband and wife. It's only fraud if you tell an establishment or state on a legally binding document that you're married.

No one else has to know otherwise, and what business is it of theirs to question you?

If the only reasons you are thinking about marriage is because of the lame-o societal pressures, my advice would be to hold off. It would not be fun to force yourself into the whole thing and find yourself really unhappy with your life--simply because you struggled, like many of us do, with the contradictions between our personal beliefs and cultural expectations. If you really are getting physically nauseous when you think about being married, and are perfectly happy with the current status of your relationship, why bother?

It's a tough question because I definitely understand your dilemma--but in the end, you are the most important person in your life, and you should do what is right for you. Talk with your friends and family about how you are feeling and why. Maybe if they understand better they will be more accepting of your lifestyle.

You asked for queer opinions and so here's mine.

Don't disallow yourself marriage on my behalf. While I understand your distaste at the prospect of my marriage not being recognized only in particular places, you enjoy and have the right to be able to do that. Don't make yourself a second class citizen on my behalf because I'm fighting to get that right that you're denying yourself.

You have the privilege to be able to marry. Have your guests donate to organizations fighting for marriage equality in lieu of wedding gifts (or highly recommend that with a very amended registry to press the issues for your more conservative members of the family, if you have any). Have your wedding, reception and honey moon in locations which support gay marriage to boost their economy.

There are much better ways to support the movement to allow me to have that right than to deny yourself of something because other people can't have it. While it is an exercise in your privilege, it's not one which is an exercise blatantly against GL* people. Marriage is about no one but the two people involved -- until the fundies get involved.

As for the people discrediting your relationship due to a lack of ring, they're judgmental to the n'th and you may want to question why you hold them in as high esteem as you do. Your life is your decision and if you're never ready to get married, you're not. It's not their decision nor is it their place to judge you on that.

As for the tax credit, you can elope and no one will have to know. It can be your snarky little secret against those people.

But I repeat, at least from this gay person, please don't use our lack of right in some places as a reason to not get married. I appreciate your solidarity and I thank you for it. But, call your Congress people on state and federal levels (DOMA prevents the gay marriages from being recognized federally for those taxes), donate to causes, go to rallies, educate your peers, so many many other things you can do.

And you can do it all with or without a wedding ring.

*I excluded B and T because I'm not going to lump people who may be in classifiably heterosexual relationships into this group and I sadly lack the vocabulary to express bisexual and trans people who are in "gay" relationships without excluding the previously mentioned group. Apologies.

I have no solution for you, but just so you know, you're not alone. The idea of being married, being someone's 'wife' makes me want to barf too. I just can't mentally dissociate the history of marriage with the idea of getting married myself. It was built to be an ownership contract and was rife with abuse, rape, and other assorted nastiness that was not only allowed but encouraged by our society. It is a huge symbol of the subjugation of women. Even though we've made some very important edits to the institution of marriage, I still feel like the we're putting lipstick on a pig, especially since a lot of those edits seem to be in theory only. For example, marital rape is now illegal, but how many marital rapists are convicted, or even reported? How many people -- policemen, reporters, people eligible for jury duty -- don't really believe that marital rape is possible or a big deal? I know a lot of women, including a lot of feminist women, are happily married, but it's not something I want for my life.

I find the tax comment interesting because, in Australia, it's actually better for tax if you don't get married. If you're married or de-facto then your income is taken as combined and you're taxed at a higher rate. It's actually how I finally managed to stop my mother pressuring me about marriage.

As far as it goes, I think if you don't want to get married then don't. If you're having trouble explaining it to people, maybe referring to your partner as "partner" instead of boyfriend? I don't know if you already do this.

I'm afraid I can't be of much help here, because the societal pressures to get married are so much smaller in Australia. It's a non-issue for me, now that I've framed it in terms that my mother can understand.

If you don't want to be a wife, then don't be one!

Trying to please everybody but yourself is the LAST reason to get married. Besides, do you honestly think all of those "societal expectations" that are bothering you now will magically disappear once you get married? Trust me, it only gets worse. You get married, then it's "change your name" and "have some kids."

Yeah, changing expectations is hard! But is it harder than getting a divorce? I don't think so.

Getting married is like getting a tattoo. Yeah, you can undo it, but that's infinitely harder than doing it in the first place.

Excellent comments, all. To be clear, it's not about pleasing other people -- it's about being treated differently by other people. I don't care what they think, but how they respond to me. And a few people seem to be correlating marriage to lifetime commitment -- that's not default. I am already committed; it's just a legal thing. No relationship meaning for me. Legal & social.

I think a lot of this comes down to the basic question of choosing culture over individuality. While American culture values individuality in many respects, defying social conventions voluntarily can be a burden and not worth it unless you have significant reason/motivation. Just like other expectations (wearing makeup, uncomfortable shoes) -- for many people the personal payoff from not participating is worth it, and for others, not so much. As for those conventions, I often end up in the category of "I know it's not ideal or feminist but I'm happier when I do, not for personal reasons but for what it allows me in the world." And while that's certainly not a revolutionary idea, should I make myself unhappy in the name of symbolism?

@ Gular: Thanks for the input. Perhaps, for me, it also comes down to a very personal level. One of my closest friends is in a long-term relationship and wants very much to get married, but can't. (They live in KY.) I think specifically of her, and the idea of taking advantage of that privilege disgusts me. (I mean, she really wants to marry, whereas it wouldn't even mean much to me.) That said, you're definitely right about other action being more effective.

Legal things are usually a lot of bullshit. I would make sure it would actually get you money (and how much), then consider getting legally married either with no ceremony at all, or with something small and private, or whatever floats your boat. My view would be that someone is offering you money (and some assorted other benefits) to file your names on what is, to you, just a piece of paper. Take the money. Maybe, along the lines of what Gular suggested, donate some of that money to a marriage equality organization of some sort.

You may or may not want to get a prenuptial agreement of some sort; I am not a lawyer. You can also choose who to tell that you are married - unless it's on a legal document, it still doesn't matter.

You do not have to get married. You do not need a commitment ceremony. Yes, that means you will be different than the average citizen. The average citizen is not something to strive for. Be your own person and do what feels right for you. Go with your gut and ignore those who are left in old stereotypes, old dogma, old ways. You are a new generation, it's up to you to make the changes you'd appreciate in the world. And yes, with that comes some sacrifice. You don't get to be typical of 1958. Boohoo? No. More like, good for you!

It's not necessary for you to be dependent on a man, not necessary for you to have children if you don't want to, not necessary to live by anyone else's standards or ideas of what is a good life. Live your dream / ideal life! Ignore someone else's fantasy being projected onto you, especially if it is just a matter of the culture needing to catch up!

As someone who has NEVER seen a working marriage first hand, I would advise that unless you really, really want to marry this person, don't do it.

I joke about getting married for tax purposes or to get my citizenship all the time, but unless you actually want to be married to the other person, don't do it.

When I was in a relationship, I lived with my boyfriend of five years, off and on for two years. I worked with a pretty conservative group of people, so I just never told them that I lived with my boyfriend. (Frankly I didn't want any of them knowing anything so personal as the fact that I even had a boyfriend). If people don't know they can't judge for it. It's none of their goddamn business anyway.

I have to admit that I've always had a hard time understanding people who don't want to get married. For me it was largely making my relationship 'official', so to speak (well, that and immigration issues). I was saying to my husband, and more importantly to myself, that this was the man I wanted to spend my life with. It probably doesn't make much sense, but even though we'd already made those commitments to each other, actually getting married made it more real for me. It also seemed like the natural thing to do, like it was the final step in solidifying our relationship.

All that said, do what you want. If you do decide to tie the knot officially, you don't need a huge ceremony--we had a JOP visit our apartment, followed by supper with family and friends downtown. If you don't, well screw everyone else. Doing things to please others only makes you more miserable, IME. If they can't accept your choice, that's their problem, not yours.

One last comment--I've never seen marriage as much of a ceremony, more of a celebration. It didn't change anything for me relationship-wise, just affirm what I already had, and gave me and excuse to share it with my friends and family.

And to eat cake. There's always a good excuse for cake ;)

This a great post. Really thoughtful and poignant. Wish you luck with your decision x

This is what I think about it. Read this post from my blog: http://unmarriedestate.wordpress.com/2009/07/13/an-unlikely-bride/

Hmmmm, you could just lie to people (just kidding, unless you like it).

I'm in a similar situation right now. I was never really interested in being married growing up, but now, I'm feeling the same things. By the end of this year, I will have gone to six weddings-- I'm twenty one, btw. I feel too young for people my age to be married, but I feel the pressure since "everyone else is". Also, as a Canadian, I don't have the whole "everyone else can't get married, so I don't want to take advantage of something they can't" protest. I'm in a happy, committed relationship, and I'd be fine with cohabitation, but the government still has silly taxing systems. As well, I feel pressure from my parents since I'm the only child and holy crap, do they ever want a wedding. I've decided that if we are to be married, it's going to turn every marriage tradition on it's head, as a bit of an insult to tradition. If someone like me can get married my way, the traditional ceremony and the meanings behind it are ironic.

So Tara, the best advice I can dish out is to talk with your family and friends about your decision and have the conversation with your chum there, so he can provide opinions and reasoning; showing a united opinion makes you two look more serious.

As for the others, I say that it's unfortunate that they are so close minded to behave in such a manner towards you.

Buuut, if you do get married, you two can be "partners" as opposed to "husband and wife"; the word wife just doesn't sit well with me either. If you really hate rings, you can both get a tattoo (something like the same thing on the same part of your body), give each other something practical, or whatever floats your boat.

No matter what, make sure whatever happens, do what makes you both happiest in the end. And don't comprimise for anyone; I find I feel crappy after I have, so my advice is to avoid it.

I'm a little late to the party, but here are my $0.02.

If you had positive reasons for wanting to get married, even if they weren't purely feminist ones, I would be encouraging you to go for it. If it was something that you WANTED, and were just holding off for fear it would be not politically appropriate, I would be telling you to run right down to city hall.

But it sounds like you HATE the idea of marriage personally. It also sounds like you would think less of yourself if you got married, that you'd feel like you were caving in and not standing up for yourself. If this is the case, don't do it. Go on a retreat or do whatever you do to feel re-connected to yourself and strong in your own decisions and way of life.

But do NOT get married just because other people expect it. Don't get married until it's YOUR decision and your partner's and no one else's.

Hrm... frankly, I'm not seeing a reason to marry in that post.

There can be a lot of auxiliary reasons to get married, but the core of marriage must be love and a desire to commit. If you have a spiritual/religious aspect in your life, you may want to engage in a religious declaration of this commitment before God/dess/es, or you could be happy with just a legal and social commitment. But the core desire must be that this is the person you want to be with all your life, no matter how bad shit gets, that you're willing to provide end-of-life care to this person or bail their ass out when they accidentally lose their job and need money, and you want the strength of the bond that you feel with this person to have a public recognition.

If that isn't there, then you shouldn't get married. Divorce is expensive when you get sick of playing along.

If it is there, then you should get married because the legal benefits of marriage (enduring power of attorney, medical and pension, tax breaks, etc) are a good thing in the long term (you could alternately just draft up a bunch of documents with the lawyer that give you most of these rights), but otherwise you should go to a state that recognizes marriage equality for the ceremony and you should fight like hell so that all consenting adults can exercise this human right everywhere.

If you're not married, you don't feel like you should marry, and everyone around you is being a royal pain in the ass and pretending like your relationship won't last and you're not a "real adult" until you marry, then go and get yourselves a couple of nice rings to wear. There's no legal restriction against putting a ring on the 4th finger of your left hand without a marriage license to go along with it. Just tell everyone you got married in a private ceremony and leave it at that. If they want to throw you a party, fine... but if you need to "divorce" eventually, it will be a lot less messy to just take off the rings than to break the legal contract between you.

I realize that most of the discussion has passed, but I was busy with moving and only just now have time to respond. :)

Some of the reasons you list for not marrying - namely, disliking the traditions - seem more like reasons not to get religiously married and not to follow certain traditions, than reasons not to get legally married. I had friends in college who married at a courthouse without even dressing up. No rings, no white dress, bare legal minimum re: ceremonies (although to be fair, legal ceremonies _can_ be sexist and heteronormative). That's not to say you don't list reasons not to get legally married, just that not all of the reasons you list really apply to legal marriage.

One thing I've noticed in the whole gay marriage debate is that people conflate religious and legal marriage, and I think it's particularly important for LGBT allies to separate them. After all, gay religious marriage has been around for quite some time in this country.

I also have to say that wanting to marry for social recognition of your relationship is not inherently anti-feminist. The social recognition factor is part of why civil unions for same-sex couples do not equality make.