So, I've been reading some community posts lately that have to do with sexual assault. I have thought about this a bit and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. My ex-boyfriend was not what I would call a high quality human being. He lied about a lot of stuff and generally didn't treat me with much respect. He often continued to ask me for sex after I said no and one time, after some alcohol consumption, we ended up in a really scary situation that would legally be sexual assault, but I don't know that that is what I want to call it.
So my question is this...would it ever be okay to tell someone that he is in a relationship with (he recently got engaged) about his behavior or should I let her figure it out on her own? My gut instinct is to just let it be...but maybe that's just because I am somewhat bitter and think getting engaged after nine months means you get what you sign up for...? And who knows, maybe he's not like that with her...?
Any thoughts or advice from others who have encountered this situation???
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I have a hard time believing the woman he's engaged to doesn't know about his behavior, and I can't imagine any situation in which she'd be grateful for your advice or listen to it in any way. If she is the sort of woman who wants to marry him, she may well think you're just whining about things that are a-okay.
That was my first thought. A friend told me, and I agree, that behavior that I find unacceptable may be just fine with her.
While it's tempting to help out another women, I would not contact her. Breaking up means you two no longer have to be apart of each other lives.
Enjoy your freedom!
Yes, indeed...I think I finally convinced him of that (he kept contacting me with questions about "feminist issues" like sexual harassment for who knows what reason)
As for the "you get what you sign up for" bit - yes, getting engaged after only 9 months is foolish, but I don't think foolishness means someone deserves sexual assault or abuse.
If it were me, I'd be compelled to say something to her. I also know, completely realistically, that she'd be prepared to write it off as a "better jealous" ex talking, and that he's probably told her a mountain of lies about his exes. But at least I'd know I did what I could.
Yes, I didn't mean to say that she deserves sexual assault or abuse, only that there are a lot of things you do not know about people when you've only dated them for nine months, including asshole behavior.
The fact that getting engaged after just 9 months might appear to be 'foolish' to you sounds rather judgemental to those of us who obviously haven't had your good sense.
My husband (of 9 years) and I got engaged after 3 months after we had already moved in together. We got married about 9 months later - so we had known each other about a year. Yes, my family love him. No, I haven't had any nasty surprises - his character was pretty clear to me pretty soon after we got together. Trust me, if I had seen anything I disliked, I would have ejected the man - the lease WAS in my name.
If time were any indication as to the quality of relationships, then we would hardly ever hear of people being surprised by their partners' behaviours after many years of living together.
That said, there is not much to be done in a situation like this - any attempts to warn the new woman will probably be understood by the two of them as mere jealousy and not taken seriously.
To make my point clearer - I personally think that, despite all the fuzzy feelings that one has at the beginning of a relationship, elements of the other person's behaviour are visible.
My friends who have been in abusive relationships have told me that elements such as control and jealousy were present from the very start - which is why I feel that more people need to be taught to be wary of these types of behaviour.
Sorry to keep replying to myself!
I am not victim-blaming here. I have had several friends who are survivors of domestic violence, and I have lost one to it, as her boyfriend didn't want her to have ANY with her friends. I watched her being made slowly - but very surly - isolated and tried to keep communication open with her.
I just feel that sometimes we focus culturally on elements that aren't that important and consider them to be deal-breakers while we don't consider the things that are. Farting in bed isn't that big a deal, a controlling personality is.
I think in some cases bad behavior is not evident during the first few months of relationships because of what you call fuzzy feelings. Unless the person is just terrible right off the bat, I think that many people are on their best behavior at the beginning of relationships and the nasty stuff may not come out until later. Maybe not in your case, but in mine and others.
Yeah, in my case too. The abuse didn't start until quite a ways in.
So I'm "judgmental", so what?Like I just wrote on the Arpaio topic where someone else got accused of that, it's a human trait. We take in information, and we form opinions, likes, dislikes, based on it. I can remember when the idea of "using good judgement" was something to be applauded, not a flaw.
I'm happy for you that your husband was a stellar guy even though you'd only known him for a year. But I'm willing to bet that's an exception more than a rule.
I would be inclined to not say anything. Sometimes best intentions have a nasty way of backfiring.
Hello,
I was in something of a similar situation at the beginning of the year. The new boyfriend of a young lady I spent one week with, last year, called me and told me to stop calling her (I had telephoned once in four months, and sent two emails!).
He basically threatened me, and said that he read her emails.
I asked myself the same questions as you. I asked my friends - I didn't want to make a rash decision - and the consensus was 'don't do anything'.
I tended to agree:
1) He may behave like that only towards me. In that case, why break up her love story?
2) If he is like that with others, then she either accepts it or will find out. In both cases, it is or will be her decision.
Not easy but good luck!
That seems like a different situaiton to me. It is her decision whether she wants to have contact with you or not. Not his!
If I were you I would have spoken to her and asked if she wanted to continue to have occasional contact with you. If she'd said 'no,' I'd have left it at that. If the answer was 'yes,' then I'd have related the conversation with her new boyfriend. She may not know that he is reading her email and warning off her friends (and she may have no other way of finding out other than you telling her).
Oh, I agree that it is not entirely the same.
The similarity lies in the question 'should I tell her that her man is potentially (?) morbidly jealous or apparrently violent?'.
I did not want to make the situation possibly worse by contacting her. I can live without contact with her (I agree that it should be her decision though). I only wondered if I should tell her about the way the guy behaves. Which is Wazzi's question.
I think it is hard without more info. For example, you say that he lied about a lot of stuff. I don't think that warrants telling the new woman anything unless she would ask you. If he raped you or physically was abusive then I would warn the fiance' though I don't know that she would believe you or take it seriously...who knows. At least then you would have done all you could. Pressuring you for sex is asinine, but if he pressured you he likely has pressured her by now too and for whatever reason she must have decided to put up with it. As for the drunken probably legal sexual assault that you are not sure you would define as a sexual assault? If you think it is a big enough threat than warn her, if not than don't. Without more info or really, without experiencing it, I can't make a call on that one.
Oh, I would also say that if he lied to you about an STD and engaged in unsafe sex with you to warn her. Basically, if there is a chance she is going to be physically at risk from him I would warn her, if not than I probably wouldn't. However, in all honesty I wish one of my ex boyfriends ex girlfriends would have warned me about his lying cheating ways..I don't think it is a bad thing to do, I would just worry that word could get out that would hurt you such as that you are jealous and making up lies or can't let go, etc.
Thanks for all of the insight folks. Unless she contacts me, I am not going to say anything. As much as it sucks to think that he could be treating her the same way, she IS choosing to marry him and I know that me saying something will most likely not end well.