I am a new college student. Adjusting to college life has not been easy for me in any way. I was used to being one of the best students in my school, which was very small and very liberal. We held v-day ceremonies, and our school administration supported and funded our day of silence, including asking for guest speakers to come to the breaking the silence ceremony at the end of the day. Things are not like that at the college I now attend.
The blatant sexism is absolutely astounding. Young women are hounded by the male students about going out/hooking up with them, to the point where many agree just to stop the harassment. Guys run up and down the halls screaming I am going to rape you at the top of their lungs. The other day I finally had it and decided to speak up when two of the guys were sitting there and making rape jokes over and over again. I am a rape survivor. I find anything that makes light of what I went through extremely insulting and appalling. I didn't attack them personally, although I wanted to, but I did make it clear that what they were saying was not an acceptable thing to be joking about, and I put it to them in a way that I thought would make them realize what they were saying was extremely hurtful and delving into sensitive topics.
Well I am apparently now persona non grata in my dorm because its apparently not okay to say that someone telling rape jokes is hurtful and wrong. Was I wrong in speaking up? Should I just left the room when they started saying things like that so that I didn't have to hear it? Is there a more appropriate way to approach this? What ways have some of you dealt with this kind of thing? I'd also like to say that the school has a 6 to 1 guy to girl ratio so there aren't a lot of girls there to back me up, and while I've always been "one of the guys" I've never been around guys who act like this. Call me sheltered but I truly thought that guys like that were the minority and most guys were just ignorant of what the patriarchy has done to them. I'm just really at a loss of what to do and I'd like to know some ways to cope with this kind of thing.
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I think that you did the right thing. There is absolutely no reason that you should just have to stand by and take it, and although you can just walk away (which is also a completely valid choice), who knows, maybe you taught them something. They may act like they never took you seriously, but maybe they'll think again before they tell another rape joke.
Rape joke = oxymoron
I find speaking up is empowering even if I am not able to change someone's perspective. Keep speaking up for your self. It is the only way to encourage change.
Rape joke = oxymoron
Well that depends if by "rape joke", you mean jokes which mock a victim, jokes which mock the potential rapist, jokes which imply rape or the threat of being raped, jokes which make fun of a character or type deserving no sympathy (not even from a feminist perspective) simply by allowing them to be raped (as George Carlin in "Answering Machines", where he announced his wish for a particularly annoying character, which happened to be a little girl, to be fed to the predators), or if you mean all jokes which include any references to the concept of rape or even to a mere threat of being raped.
Is there an RA or a counselor in your dorm? If you feel safe doing so, I'd recommend going to that person -- chances are that he or she has received some sort of training in awareness of sexual assault issues. This person might even be able to have a dorm-wide meeting to talk about acceptable behavior, if that's something you think would be helpful.
If not, does your college have a women's center? There might be counselors or advisors there who can help you adjust to the campus climate and give suggestions about ways to get through to these guys. They can also put you in touch with any women-friendly and/or queer-friendly groups on campus. There might even be a group for survivors of sexual assault, rape, and/or domestic violence that you could connect to.
My RA tried. Unfortunately her boss, the head RA for the dorm was one of the ones saying the "jokes". He is leading the campaign of alienate me because he is apparently threatened by a freshman girl who doesn't appreciate rape jokes. There also is no womens center. I could go see a counselor at the student health center, but I have to pay for it, and shes there more for psychological problems than anything else. And then she is really limited in what she can do for you anyways. Basically unless you need a presricption for prozac or are about to kill yourself she can't do much, other than send your greivances on the the administration, who definetly are the least helpful group of people on the planet. I seriously think that southern evangelical colleges who don't accept a woman's right to be there are more supportive than my school environment. Problem is that for what I want to be this is the best college in the state to go to and if I left its going to be looked upon by future employers that I couldn't handle going to such a competitive school. My grades have gone back up now that I've adjusted to the competitive atmosphere and have learned that in order to get the grades I'm going to have to be what my fellow classmates have now termed "the conniving bitch". And really I'm okay with that, I just wish I would be called a good student because of it, not the conniving bitch. I really just do not feel comfortable living in the dorms and I think after this year I am going to move into one of the apartments with a few friends, or off campus altogether.
Go above the head RA. If he is a student, he has a boss somewhere who is an administrator, probably in the Residents' Life office- that is the person you should be complaining to.
If nothing else, go to the Dean of Students (or their office). Tell them that you feel threatened by this behavior, especially since it comes from a person in power (the head RA).
Wow, your school sounds about as sexist as they come. If there is a women's studies department, you might go there for help as well. It isn't there job per se, but most profs I know would take an interest in this sort of blatant sexism. You also might see what sort of support you can find in the town or at other colleges in the area, if there are any.
Joan
I go to a very tiny science institute. All the humanities courses are somehow realted to science of sci-fi. Because there is a 6 to 1 guy/girl ratio there isn't a lot of interest for one so they won't teach it. My mentor is really helpful, she says that she experienced the same kind of thing when she was in school because of the overwhelming number of guys in her program. She told me the way she used to deal with it was every time they started making dunb blond jokes, that she would start making dumb guy jokes. She said while it didn't make her many friends in the department, it made them realize what they were doing was wrong and at least when she was in the room they didn't make the jokes anymore. I just don't know if thats the way I want to handle this though. I want them to realize that what they are doing is hurtful, not that they shouldn't say them when I'm around just because "it offends me". Maybe I expect to much out of socially inept guys who really don't know what to do around the female of the species
if I left its going to be looked upon by future employers that I couldn't handle going to such a competitive school.
You are in no way obligated to tell them that you ever went to Hoity Toity Fabulous U. I started at one undergraduate institution and finished at another. My resume says only "BS, My Major, XXX State U". That's all they need to know. For a recent grad, they want year of graduation and GPA, too.
I will add that staying at HTFU (assuming you can stand it) is probably the best course, professionally. Having been out in the work force for a while now, yes, it does count. I didn't go to HTFU, and I get reminded of that regularly.
Wow, I can't imagine this behaviour being allowed in dorms. I guess there's no girls only dorm you can transfer into? That's what I'd want to do. Speaking up is good but it sounds like they won't change so I guess you can just be around them as little as possible. And live with people you choose to live with next year.
there actually is a girls only dorm. But the dorm has community bathrooms and also has no washer/dryer. There isn't a laundromat in town and my home is over three hours away, by car, something I do not have. In order to get home I have to take the bus from the town where I am to a town half way, and then sit at the train station until there is a train going back to the main town in the state. Then my mom or grandma have to go pick me up from the train station and drive me the other hour home. Oh and did I mention that the bus/train only run on the weekdays? Meaning I would barely have enough time to get there, wash laundry and get back so I don't have to miss classes. Then there is the little detail that the guys swarm the girls only dorm and go watch the girls taking showers in the bathrooms. Also, because there is no way to really prove that someone didn't invite them there, you can't get them kicked out. At least in the dorm that I am in now I don't have to worry about that as there is two dorms with doormates of the same sex share one bathroom. It just creates an uncomfortable situation when everyone you are living with hates you, because you chose to say something against their jokes
Woah, that situation with the guys coming into the women's bathroom to watch them shower is absolutely unacceptable. Does someone in the administration know about this? There should be a Dean of Campus Life, Dean of Residential Life, and/or Dean of Students who can deal with these problems if the RAs aren't doing their job.
If you're persona non grata to these people, then you're persona non grata to a bunch of morons. It may become uncomfortable, but that's not really bad. You absolutely did the right thing.
Moreover, you can't be the only person in the school who feels that way. If there's an effort being made to alienate you, it's almost certainly done through lies; but if the facts come out to enough people, it's very likely at least a few will take some heart from it and be more apt to speak out themselves against such behavior. It's hardly guaranteed that will happen, but this is how good things start to overcome bad ones, you know?
6 to 1 guy to girl ratio
Are you at an engineering school? No need to answer - it might compromise your anonymity. I'm guessing you will be going into a male dominated field when you graduate. You have my deepest sympathies, and I fully support your actions wrt the jokes.
The good news is that the out-loud sexism will taper off in the professional world (not because anyone has figured it out, but b/c guys think they will be slapped with and lose a harassment suit). The bad news is that the douchey attitudes will still be there, and you will have to play the balancing game of when to speak up and when to stay silent your entire professional career. My advice is find a mentor. Female is nice, but some men do actually get it and can be terrific mentors. Likewise, some women apparently live under a rock and will think you are a whiner. If there is a chapter of a professional society in town, join it. Most ladies who have been out in the work force for a while will understand what you are going through and provide support. If in-person societies are too much time commitment, try MentorNet. They match up e-mail mentors.
Good luck, and hang in there.
ha ha I absolutely am! It is actually considered one of the best engineering institutes in the country, although they offer degrees is almost every field on science. Oh and thanks for the advice! I actually want to go into doctors without borders once I'm done with school, and guys in general don't bother me, most of my really close friends are guys and we get along great. A few of my closest friends are also going to the same school, (one guy and two girls) and they think its rediculous, but they are also not in the dorm rooms, they all live in apartments where this apparently doesn't happen. Oh and as a reply to Lily A: They won't help. There line is basically: if you don't like the way things are run you are more than welcome to live in the apartments (which cost more than the dorms) or off campus. They plain flat out don't care. They won't even allow RA's to testify in cases where the girls have been sexually assaulted by one of these idiots.
Damn, it sounds like this school's administration is pretty complicit in the harassment you're facing, and they are more than overdue for a public shaming!
Here's one thing you could do, which probably won't actually get you results, but might at least get the administration's attention. Write a petition to the development / fundraising office, and send a copy to the alumni relations office. It can say something like this, "Sexual harassment against women is rampant at this school, and I have faced nothing but silencing and indifference from people at all levels, from RAs to upper level administrators. I'm staying here because it's a prestigious school and will further my career, but you better bet that XYZ University is not going to see one cent of donations from me until I see that the administration is making a concerted effort to make female students feel safe in the dorms." In addition to threatening to never give them any money, you can also threaten to contact local media -- I bet a story about how "XYZ University creates a hostile environment for women students" wouldn't look good for their recruitment or fundraising.
Have your female friends sign it... even 50 signatures on something like this is enough to scare an institution. Universities (especially private ones, and especially ones that focus on lucrative fields like science and engineering) are really big into keeping their undergrads happy so that they'll give the big bucks later on.
Sorry, I meant to say (in the first sentence of the second paragraph) that it probably won't get you immediate and personal results, but it might contribute to changing the overall culture of the school.
thanks Lily,
That is the most helpful advice I've gotten about the situation. I will definetly do this.
While this advice is sound, you do need to realize that by doing this, you will become a target for even more harassment. I think you should go ahead if you wish to, but be prepared for the backlash. Line up support from the get-go.
Joan
I'm being harrassed anyways. I'm going to be harrassed whether I do nothing or whether I do something. Actually, because I spoke up I get taunted less often and none of the guys dare sit and harrass me the way they harrass some of the other women. The backlash that I get from it is mostly in the form of middle school gossip hour bullshit. The most creative that I have heard so far is that and I kid you not I am a "child raping carpet muncher". Kind of find that a little bit ironic don't you? Noboby talks to me at all. And yeah it sucks, but its going to suck more when an increasing number of young women on campus are assaulted (not to mention the ones who have agreed to have sex with guys just so that they will stop bugging them.) because I couldn't be bothered to do everything in my power to get it to stop. I'm willing to take the backlash now, if it means saving future female students from the kind of harrassment that I have gone through
This is a blog post about rape jokes that I thought I found really thoughtful and well written.
http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/06/24/a-woman-walks-into-a-rape-uh-bar/#comment-713
I would suggest exploring more of her blog or even asking the blog writer for help, she responds to most people that comment and got back to me about some advice I asked her in about 24 hours.
There's nothing wrong in speaking up for yourself.
Also, being persona-non-grata to this bunch of assholes is probably a blessing.
SHE: "How can you make jokes about rape? Don't you know a woman gets raped in the USA every ten seconds!?"
HE: "Really? When does she sleep?"
By speaking up for yourself (and for a bunch of other women, I bet) you've done yourself a shit-tonne of favours.
Never back down, never give in, sooner or later these asshats will say something that is worth their expulsion (in fact, I'm surprised threats of sexual violence hasn't already resulted in expulsion)
oh apparently its somehow a joke when they run up and down the halls screaming I am going to rape you at the top of their lungs. Which leads me to the response WHAT THE FUCK? So because they were "just joking" the school won't do anything about it. Believe me, I watched the scenerio where one of the other women who had also been sexually assaulted approached the school asking for some assistance in getting that stopped. Basically she was told that as long as its just screaming I am going to rape you and nothing more there is nothing they can do about it. They have decided that only drunken idiots could possibly be saying these things, and then only when they are drunk. Completely harmless. You know because triggering all the memories of our rapes is completely harmless and those drunken asshats couldn't possibly be sexual harrasser when they are sober. That's why when we are in class we are still hounded by these guys and we can't even go swim in the pool without getting catcalled and stopped so that they can play "grab ass" or "mr gropey" while we are in bathing suits
Having been in a similar circumstance, I sympathize.
If you continue making your case, being vocal, and not backing down, then eventually a few things will happen.
One, the wheat will separate from the chaff - the men and women who "get it" will begin to respect you and treat you well, and you'll be able to see who in the school is worth overtures of friendship.
Second, this will become a period of your life where you can look back with pride and strength. It can become another touchstone of the burdens you can carry.
Don't let social pressure push you down. We all become the way that we behave. If you behave bravely, you will become braver. If you acquiesce, you will become more acquiescent.
Make a big stink. :) Is there a school newspaper? Join up, see if you can eventually get (or write yourself) a "women's issues" column in the paper.
Deeply sorry to hear what happened to you rebekah, but do you censoring these guys will make anything better? You can't really stop people from joking about topics just because you find them hurtful and offensive. I know it sounds harsh but thats the thing about free speech, sometimes you hear stuff you don't like.
I am a major supporter of free speech. I believe that without our right to free speech women would not have been able to make even the small amount of advances in this world that we have. However, I think that a certain amount of responsibility comes along with free speech and I don't find what I am doing as censoring them. Nobody should want to use their right to free speech in such a way that makes a joke of something that is NEVER a laughing matter. I find that joking about rape is just as not funny as making jokes about African Americans being attacked by the KKK. When somebody decides to make an inappropraite joke about that nobody thinks its funny, that person is ostracized for making a joke in such bad taste. Making jokes about something as serious as rape is only a way to diminish the significance of the experience and a way for the rest of society to push rape survivors in a corner and be able to forget about them.
I am a major supporter of free speech. I believe that without our right to free speech women would not have been able to make even the small amount of advances in this world that we have. However, I think that a certain amount of responsibility comes along with free speech and I don't find what I am doing as censoring them. Nobody should want to use their right to free speech in such a way that makes a joke of something that is NEVER a laughing matter. I find that joking about rape is just as not funny as making jokes about African Americans being attacked by the KKK. When somebody decides to make an inappropraite joke about that nobody thinks its funny, that person is ostracized for making a joke in such bad taste. Making jokes about something as serious as rape is only a way to diminish the significance of the experience and a way for the rest of society to push rape survivors in a corner and be able to forget about them.
I am a major supporter of free speech. I believe that without our right to free speech women would not have been able to make even the small amount of advances in this world that we have. However, I think that a certain amount of responsibility comes along with free speech and I don't find what I am doing as censoring them. Nobody should want to use their right to free speech in such a way that makes a joke of something that is NEVER a laughing matter. I find that joking about rape is just as not funny as making jokes about African Americans being attacked by the KKK. When somebody decides to make an inappropraite joke about that nobody thinks its funny, that person is ostracized for making a joke in such bad taste. Making jokes about something as serious as rape is only a way to diminish the significance of the experience and a way for the rest of society to push rape survivors in a corner and be able to forget about them.
Ugh. I think it was perfectly right for you to stand up for yourself!I'm glad you did.
Rebekah, so sorry to hear you have to go through this shit.
But in the end, you're right. If you speak out, people may not *like* you, but they will at least respect you.
I know this sucks now, but it will make you a stronger person.