I was sitting in the car earlier this week with a friend of mine and somehow, over the course of a long and random conversation, we ended up on the topic of sex. Now my friend is recently out of a long relationship with the only guy she'd ever had sex with - we were taking about her dating life and whatnot when she made a comment that concerned me - she said she was relieved to be out of the relationship because sex hurts and now she doesn't "have to" do it anymore. When I tried to get to the bottom of why it hurt she shrugged it off telling me that it "didn't matter" and very quickly changed the topic.
The conversation was over in a few minutes, but it stayed with me much longer and, finally, prompted me to make this post because I feel that her attitudes towards sex are reflective of a much larger problem in our society - one that effects women and men.
This comment, made by an MRA in reference to the George Sodoni shootings, quite eerily represents a common attitude in our society: "a decent looking man who earns a good living and does not abuse women DESERVES to get laid. Period." While I don't believe that most men and women in society believe that "getting laid" is an inalienable right, the idea that all men want to have sex and should have sex is one that is widely accepted. Compare this to the common feminine trope - women don't enjoy or want sex and, in fact, need to be charmed or even coerced into having sex.
Although my sex-ed experiences were hardly "middle of the road" (since they happened at a Catholic school that believed very strongly in abstinence, abstinence and more abstinence ) most of the women I know seem to have been taught a similar lesson, even the ones who went to public school. That lesson being: all men want sex at all times, no matter what, and cannot control their urges, it is the woman's job to protect her purity by saying no. I hate this kind of gender essentialism; the idea that all men and all women share anything universally in common is ridiculous! Some people have high sex drives, some people have low sex drives and it's got nothing to do with their genitalia.
It's these thoughts that make women feel as if their natural desires are some kind of flaw, something that needs to be squelched and denied. It is this kind of thought process that makes women vulnerable as many do not feel comfortable expressing a desire to have sex and, thus, are too afraid to seek information about safe sex and the supplies needed to have safe sex. It's the kind of thoughts that lead to women who could have fulfilling and enjoyable sex, instead, suffering through painful sex out of a feeling of obligation to their partners - all because they don't feel entitled to the information that would take away the pain. Sex should feel good and make both partners happy, this isn't a radical thought, but it is one that is not supported by a culture that claims men enjoy sex and women just put up with it.
Another place where we see this muting of desire take place is with food . Jezebel recently published a link to an article than illustrates this idea very well:
"Women eating in groups of women tend to increase the calorie values of the food they choose," says Meredith E. Young, PhD, a psychologist and an assistant professor in the Center for Medical Education at McGill University in Montreal, who led the study.
This doesn't just happen with food and sex though, it's everywhere. Women who are loud and passionate are domineering or bitches, while men are simply assertive. Women who grunt and act aggressive in sports (I'm thinking of the tennis debates) are savage and uncouth while men who do the same are simply being manly and aggressive. The double standard exists all over, holding many women back from achieving their true potential.
Furthermore this dichotomy of desire can be bad for men too as men who are not naturally aggressive or sexual are often looked down upon as weak - I'm afraid this is a topic for another post, however; and one I wouldn't be able to write nearly as well since my vagina has kept me from experiencing that particular form of social pressure.
After starting this post I took a break and went to the movie theater to see Julia & Julie * - a movie that combines Julia Child's story with the story of a woman who cooked her way through Julia's cookbook in just a year. I had never taken much interest in Julia Child before this but, during the movie I found myself falling in love with her (or at least Meryl Streep's portrayal of her.) Julia Child was a big, loud woman who never apologized for who she was or what she wanted. She loved food, cooking, her husband, and sex with unrestrained passion. She changed the face of cooking today and is a fantastic role model for women wanting to be taken seriously in a male field. She captivated many with her larger-than-life exuberance. In short, she became famous and adored, simply for being herself.
Many cultures push women to deny their own desires in order to appear sufficiently "feminine." While "masculine" men are expected to have large appetites - both in sex and in food - "feminine" women are encouraged to diet and abstain. As young women one of the most subversive things we can do is to live our lives like Julia did - being honest about our appetites and passion, treating our desires with respect. In short, there is nothing wrong with wanting sex or eating whatever it is "ladies" don't eat or acting in a way that is not "feminine" - treat your body with respect, take good care of it, don't worry about what other people think of you, and I promise you'll be just fine in the end.
(This has been crossposted at Amplify )
* I totally recommend this movie, if only for the scenes with Julia Child who's attitudes concerning food and her body are just fantastic - the confidence that Streep-as-Child exuded in this movie was honestly awe-inspiring.
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Great article.
It's little off topic, but when you were talking about the food studies I remembered a strange comment I got during lunch in high school, lo those many years ago. My friend, a male, upon observing me eat lunch with my usual gusto:
He: You know, it's actually good that you eat like that.
Me: (mouth full) Huh?
He: As long as it doesn't get too out of control, guys like a girl who gets into eating.
Me: (swallowing) What are you talking about?
He: "If they're not self-conscious when they eat, they are crazy in the sack."
Me: Dude, I just wanna eat lunch.
I've heard quite a few men express that idea. Okay, yeah, I do like food and I do like sex, but the only way they're related to each other is that I don't feel shamed into making either of those into big, dirty secrets. I could just as easily be asexual and still be a foodie.
It's just more evidence that women allowing themselves to enjoy physical pleasures (not to mention allowing people to -- *gasp* -- know about it) is shocking in this culture, whereas men get a free pass.
"...and those who eat a meal with a man eat even less. "
I find this true when I'm out with my sig/oth-but it's generally because I'm looking forward to sex, and I don't wanna be all full and tired and not up for sexytime. When I'm out with my guy friends, not so much-I'm gonna eat what I want and enjoy the experience.
I have to admit that my first reaction to your friend's remark was not to see it in the light of a woman who could have enjoyable sex having her natural desires squelched and forced to suffer through painful sex, but to look at it from the angle of an asexual person negotiating a relationship with a sexual person.
I have absolutely no idea whether this is accurate, but I think it's definitely something that should be mentioned in this kind of discussion.
You bring up a good point and I can see how you came to that conclusion with the information I presented, but knowing my friend in the way that I do I don't believe that applies here. She enjoys and seeks out many aspects of sex, it's really only traditional vaginal penetration that she avoids and, admittedly, she's never done it with lube which could explain a great deal of her discomfort. That's why I came to the conclusion I did.
I saw a Tyra episode (ok-i admit it, I occasionally watch) about women for whom sex is painful and there seems to be a lot of controversy on why. In a couple cases it seemed as though it could be psychological at least in part-but in a few other cases it really seemed as though there was a physical cause. Basically, from what I was able to glean from this show-some women's vagina muscles tighten up an incredible degree before sex and they have no control over this and it makes sex incredibly painful. They appear normal anatomically when examined by doctors though. I can see where this could have a psychological root (one woman's mother told her something about how sex hurts and only whores like it) but I don't think a physical cause should be ruled out simply because doctors don't know what it is yet.
Although I was vague in my post originally, out of respect for my friend's privacy, as I explained to the previous commenter this is a mental thing at least in my friend's case. She's actually been injured before in her refusal to use the necessary tools (lube) to have pleasant sex (her vaginal wall was torn) and has been examined by a gyno concerning her pain issues (and told to use lube). She simply does not feel it necessary because she doesn't feel as if she should/needs to enjoy sex - an attitude I find common among many of my sexually active friends (mostly from catholic school). While I am aware that there are physical issues that can cause pain during intercourse, there is also a serious amount of shaming aimed at young women today that can make it rather hard to feel that sex is something that should be enjoyed.
I'm curious why you felt to mention that this was the only relationship in which she's had intercourse.
If this was a problem with HER and how she views sex (as opposed to, a problem with that specific relationship) then isn't her number of partners irrelevant?
I feel as if there's this idea that men and women who have had one (or few) sex partners are somehow ignorant. That's a ridiculous stereotype, since (1) there is frankly SO MUCH information about sex out there that anybody who's even half-interested can know anything they care to find out, and (2) most sex-related information is learned about ONESELF, and different partners can't give a person much that she couldn't discern independently. Further, anecdotally, there doesn't seem to be any relationship between the number of sexual partners a person has had and how much they know about sex - many of the more "promiscuous" women I've known have no idea how HPV transfers or will swear up and down that g-spot orgasms are a myth, yet my married-to-her-only-sex-partner-ever friends have taught me a thing or two. For that matter, one young acquaintance of mine - who at 21 has never had sex - is the go-to person in her group of friends for sex advice, technique information, and myth-busting.
Aside from being erroneous, this stereotype about "few sex partners = idiot" is problematic. It makes men and women jump through yet another sexual hoop in order to be appropriately accepted by society. I've known people who actually broke up with significant others or who cheated purely because they felt folks looked down on them for having had "only" one sex partner.
If your friend has issues regarding vaginal sex because she believes she "shouldn't" enjoy it, then it doesn't really matter how many people she's slept with, whether she's a "virgin" or whether she spent all of high school prostituting herself for pocket money.
I only mentioned it because it was relevant to the conversation that lead us to the topic of sex - this breakup was a BIG DEAL to her because of that fact and it simply seemed relevant. As a woman who has only had one sex partner, I don't HAVE some sort of inexperience-bias. Its not about the number of partners, its about a commitment to learn what makes your body feel good instead of simply bearing pain for the sake of pleasing a partner.
But that's not the point - I really wish everyone would focus on the entirety of what I said, rather than hyper-focusing on this one anecdotal aspect of the post.