Hi,
I am almost twenty years old, a soon-to-be sophomore in college, and have been in a monogamous relationship for the past three years (and am now living with my boyfriend). This past year, thanks to the liberal musings of my boyfriend and this lovely blog, I have taken a great interest in breaking down society - especially the representation and treatment of women.
I am currently taking my first women's and gender studies class (Intro.) and have begun to question EVERYTHING. While rendering T.V., magazines, chats with friends, chats with my parents, etc. completely unentertaining (and often unnerving), it is somewhat affecting my relationship. My boyfriend considers himself a feminist, and while he plays into some gender stereotypes (likes when I wear makeup, dress sexy), he cooks meals, cleans dishes/clothes, is extremely giving in bed, and will call out the objectification of/stereotypical attitudes towards women (he was raised by a very strong mother).
Yet, lately I see him as the total enemy, undermining me to hold his power --- I'm not joking. For example, I found an advertisement in GQ that I found particularly offensive and stereotypical and posted it on the fridge door. He told me that I should take it down, that it wasn't even "that good" and that I misunderstood the context. Another example, I told him a project idea for my women's studies class, he immediately launched into how it was a terrible idea and that blah blah blah. Now, I am open to constructive criticism (I think), but I feel like his insensitive remarks are a way to debase my intelligence. It is as if he knows everything, and instead of softening the blow with "oh..that was good, but" he has to criticize every. single. aspect. He has to maintain his power, his authority, his superior intelligence.
I approached him after these events, calmly, and asked what he was thinking, why he opposes my idea, why he chooses to phrase it in a way that makes me feel upset, etc. But he tells me to lower my voice (though it really isn't loud!) and he gives me the shush face (we have roommates). When he talks about our relationship, it is not "talking," when I talk about our relationship, it is "bickering."
I'm sorry if this is a bundle of nonsense, or self-pitying reflection, but I wanted to know the opinions of other feminists on how to deal with this issue.
Thank you in advance!
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Well, all you can really do is talk about it. If he doesn't listen to you and address your concerns then I don't know how long the relationship can really last anyway. Just talk to him when you both are calm and have time.
A question to ask yourself though is whether he's being more critical than normal or you're just interpreting it differently now. You have to be open to his criticisms, but if he's being a real dick about it then you'll have to figure out why. You could be right, he could be defending his sense of superiority since you're delving into a subject he thinks he knows about. He might feel threatened. But the only way to really get anywhere is to talk to him in a non-judgmental way about why he's acting the way he is.
I don't really know if there's a causal relationship here like your post title suggests. Sometimes, in relationships, things that you shrugged off before end up getting really difficult to ignore later down the line. I've known people, both men and women, who have to one-up everyone all the time. They're really tough people to be in relationships with (romantic or not) if you have a personality that doesn't like being one-upped all the time. I dated a guy once who had to play devil's advocate for EVERYTHING, and prided himself on always finding a point to argue, whether or not he agreed with it, because he thought it made him look intelligent. At first, it was an interesting quirk that could be fun. After a while, it got sooo tiring.
I imagine a feminist would deal with your situation like most anyone would - is this really a person you want to keep dating? Is he the right match for you in the end? Or are your personalities just not ones that work together well? Maybe he'd be better off dating someone who prefers being the quiet one and who is a follower, maybe you'd be better off dating someone who's okay with you being a leader sometimes.
Hmm. I don't know what to think here, without knowing your boyfriend. I have two ideas:
1. You feel the need to exercise your feminist chops, and your boyfriend is a safe sparring partner. Right now, because you have recently come awake to feminism, you are projecting a lot of the frustration you feel towards society onto your boyfriend because he is your sparring partner.
Maybe he does respect your opinion and that is why he is being so blunt when he thinks you are wrong. He is letting you test your arguments against the best resistance he can give you, and he doesn't realize how it is making you feel.
2. Your boyfriend isn't as feminist as he thinks he is, and you've started to notice that. A lot of progressive guys can be quite antifeminist when it gets down to it. Maybe he is trying to make you feel stupid. Maybe he supports feminism in theory but in practice he is very happy with a lot of the systems that are giving him privilege. The biggest misogynist I have ever met was also the most outwardly liberal man I have ever known.
In any case, if he is really a feminist, he should know how important it is to back off and let you develop your feminist voice, and if you see something he doesn't see, he should respect that and listen. He is a member of the privileged group, and he doesn't get to tell you that something important to you isn't a big deal. Telling you that your ideas are stupid or that something that bothers you isn't a big deal is silencing.
I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt in that he might not be trying to silence you. He may consider himself to be supportive, but things like "it's stupid" or "it's not a big deal" aren't really arguments against the points you're making, they're just belittling the issues.
You should tell him that if he wants to support you in becoming a feminist, rather than rejecting your ideas off the bat, he should at least always argue within the framework that what you're taking about is important.
You've been with this guy for three years. I hope you're comfortable talking with him about this and letting him know what effect his behavior is having on you. He should listen to you and be willing to change. If he isn't...
... well, you're in college. Maybe you need a break from this relationship. See some other guys. See if you can find a partner who doesn't make you feel bad when you try to talk about feminism. Or, just spend some time being single and focusing on yourself. You can always go back to dating this guy again later.
There was one big thing which I needed to keep repeating to myself when I was in your shoes:
Men are not the enemy. Individual men - even the worst misogynistic rapists - are not the enemy. The enemy is the system which teaches people to behave this way. I am part of that system, too.
If your boyfriend really is interested in social justice and feminist issues, then please try to see him as a compatriot in the field. Also, try to remind him on occasion that he may well get offended or feel personally attacked when you're attacking male privilege, and you need to make sure that he realizes you aren't attacking him - not because you need to protect his "fragile male ego", but because you're his friend, and part of being a friend means recognizing that emotions are not logical and that it doesn't put you out at all to recognize his.
He's twenty. In the grand scheme of things, he's still trying to figure this all out, too. For a twenty-year-old, it sounds like he's doing pretty well.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for your comments! Kessei- your words of advice have really altered the way I view my boyfriend. I should view him as someone affected by the system, but not the enemy. Thank you!
I've had "feminist" boyfriends quote Simone de Beauvoir, then go out to see the strippers just to gawk at them and feel like big powerful menz for seeing girls with no panties on. Feminist is as feminist does. Saying so doesn't make it happen.
I agree with all the possibilities Sabriel brought up, and I have another to add.
Not too long ago I became a vegetarian, and all of a sudden EVERYTHING became an animal rights issue. To the point that when my husband grilled himself some burgers one night, I moo'd at him and told him that cow knew it was being killed and felt pain. He moo'd back and said, "Yummy."
My point? Talk to your boyfriend (really, truly talk) and actively LISTEN. I cannot stress listen enough. It may be that your new found desire to question everything may be, well, all you speak of lately. Not that there is anything wrong with that, except sometimes we become so engrossed in our own interests that we forget they may not necessarily be the interests of those we live with/have relationships with. So he may be supportive, but maybe feels it is "too much" right now, or doesn't want to talk about it all the time. So he gets snippy, instead of telling you. (I hope this doesn't come off as telling you to be submissive or forget your interests, because that is SOOO not what I mean.) In the end, if this is not the case, and he is just not supportive at all, then you have to make the tough decision of whether or not to stay in the relationship.
As for me, I have since learned not to moo when he eats a burger. He has since learned not to be a jerk. It worked out.