I am nineteen years old. In the beginning of the year, I did something that not many other girls my age do; I changed my last name. I had been ready to make the jump for a few years, but I had waited patiently for the right time when I was old enough, and maybe considered mature enough.
The process was easy. It was a lawyer and some hoops to jump through and four trips to the DMV to get everything settled. However, contrary to the assumptions of the ladies at the social security office and the DMV and the man doing my background check at the Red Cross, I did NOT get married, and I never have been married.
I now proudly carry my mother's name. She has always been the one reasonable, logical, and caring parent in my life. She's the person I feel closest to in the world. She is my ultimate definition of family and unconditional love.
I shouldn't have been surprised when marriage was the first assumption. Culturally, that's why women change their names. I've been told I look old for my age, and I'm often asked if I am my sister's mother, even though she is only four years younger than me.
I was surprised though. I look too young and wild to be married. I'm barely nineteen, heavily pierced, and more often than not, I'm in lifeguard apparel and I reek of chlorine. Maybe I am letting these stereotypes limit me, but I really don't think I have that newlywed glow.
However, The surprise was nothing compared to the confrontation I had by the man checking my medical history at the Red Cross before I donated blood. Before I got checked, I let the man know that I had changed my name and showed him proof of everything, and who I was. His first response, "Congratulations!!" a little more enthusiastic than I had received previously. I'm very proud of the fact that I share my mother's last name, so I told him I hadn't gotten married, just changed my name to be closer to her. This is where I think that conversation should have ended.
My assumption is that he was just trying to carry on friendly conversation. It can be awkward sitting in a small booth with a perfect stranger, but the way he approached the situation left a bitter taste in my mouth. He pressed for details, went on and on about how my father must have done something terrible. He asked me if I talked to my father, what my father did to deserve this kind of punishment. Punishment? I was thinking why does this add up to punishment? The one thing I wanted to scream at this man was that my father does not own me. The last name means nothing to me.
I didn't think he deserved to know the personal details of my life if he was going judge me and berate me like this. I also believe in being polite to people, and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I did keep my mouth shut to a point, and didn't rant at him about how rude he was being. I kept repeating that I took my mother's name, and that my father wasn't really in my life. Then he made the usual comments I get about being a 'kid of divorced parents.' After ten years of getting this, I'm pretty numb to it but it still annoys me to no end when people make assumptions about me because my parents got divorced when I was young.
I surprised myself when I got home at realized that I had stopped to think if I had possibly done something wrong. Was it disrespectful to change my name? Why is it so important to have his name? He was never there for me, at this point in my life, he barely knows me. But I still stick by my guns, I'm honoring my family. My friends and family understand why I did it, and are proud of my actions. My younger siblings are considering following my lead. I don't mind if people assume I got married, it's a common occurrence. I just don't understand why people make snap judgments about my personal life, and I still don't think my actions were 'disrespectful'.
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Good for you for changing your name -- and I'm sorry you've had to put up with so much ignorant bs. If I were your mom, I'd be proud and pleased!
People make these snap judgments because, frankly, most people are just not that fucking enlightened or even intelligent. Most people think what other people around them think. They want what they are told they are 'supposed ' to want and like what they are told to like. They don't realize their lack of autonomy, of course, and like to see themselves as unique. When you meet someone who is absolutely stunned by a choice you have made (not to have kids, get married, or change your name if you do marry) they are advertising right there how myopic their views of life really are. It means it has never even occured to them that there is more than one way to do something. Their little pea brains can't even conceive of not automatically doing what everyone else around them does. Yet so many people are fucking miserable and have no insight into how maybe the fact that they are living someone's else's life script instead of being true to their own desires might be contributing to their feelings of apathy, helplessness, boredom or hostility.
People also lack basic social skills like knowing when it is polite to keep your fucking mouth shut and just do your damn job. There isn't anything wrong with you for making the choice you made. if you tried to ask him to justify why everyone (wife and kids) are just supposed to automatically take the man's name he wouldn't be able to get past "that's just the way it is". Most people are just so simple minded they don't even know why they do what they do have the time.
God, who pissed in my cornflakes this morning, lol!!!
I've had awkward situations on the different end of the spectrum than you after not changing my name upon getting married. My father and I were once close but for various reasons I do not have a relationship with him now. My decision to keep my name wasn't out of respect for him or my paternal lineage of which I really know very little about (I'm much closer to my mom's side of the family). I kept my name because I like it and it's who I am and because I don't want to promote what I view to be a patriarchal expectation for women (some feminists choose to change their names and that's fine; I just don't think that women should feel obligated to do so).
I don't really understand why this guy seemed so offended by you discarding your father's name. It sounds like he's the kind who'd expect you to assume your husband's surname upon marriage, so why would it matter so much to him anyway ?
I had the same experience. A nurse tending to me right before I was to have surgery just could not stop herself from asking, "You didn't even hyphenate?". If only stupid could just hurt a little...............
I had the same experience. A nurse tending to me right before I was to have surgery just could not stop herself from asking, "You didn't even hyphenate?". If only stupid could just hurt a little...............
Interesting point - it wouldn't "hurt" the dad if she'd taken her husband's name, but it would hurt him is she takes her mother's?
How does that make any sense?
"I surprised myself when I got home at realized that I had stopped to think if I had possibly done something wrong. Was it disrespectful to change my name?"
Nope, not at all and I can't find any reasoning to play devil's advocate to back up the guy at the Red Cross.
If it disrespectful for you to have changed your name, then is it disrespectful when someone changes their name away from their family name to that of their spouse's?(Disrespectful to their original family, not their spouse). If it is disrespectful for you to have changed your name, therefore, it would be disrespectful anyone who changes their name when they get married. Ergo you= not disrespectful, however Red Cross Man= close-minded.
Of course you have every right to change your name. It's natural for people to assume that you got married, but completely ridiculous and rude to press you on the details of your life story. The guy may have been bored, lonely, nosy, whatever, he was totally out of line with invasive questions.
the stigma that our society places on children of divorce is so outdated and antiquated its unreal. I get comments all the time asking if I hate men or if its turned me into a lesbian like not haveing my dad in my life has traumatized me into hating men? still don't understand that one. Anyways though its such bull shit what we all have to deal with
Of course you have every right to choose your name. The guy was being at best intrusively familiar and curious. People are going to assume you got (like they assume my mom would have my dad's name since they've been married 30 years), which is annoying but unavoidable, but this guy was way over the line.
I, too, have no relationship with my father for the sake of my own mental health, and I've experienced the same kind of questioning (in fact, I wrote a post on my blog about it and ended up with someone in the comments doing basically the same thing that this guy did to you). Some people understand and some people don't. I try to ignore the people who don't, or remind myself that they haven't been through what I have been through and don't have a say in what goes on in my life. And I don't think there would have been anything wrong with telling that guy that it was none of his damn business why you changed your name, or making a comment about how disrespectful he was being to you, or asking for someone else to check your history once you realized he wasn't going to quit.
Mostly, I just hope that you don't feel like you did anything wrong. Because you didn't.
I, too, have no relationship with my father for the sake of my own mental health, and I've experienced the same kind of questioning (in fact, I wrote a post on my blog about it and ended up with someone in the comments doing basically the same thing that this guy did to you). Some people understand and some people don't. I try to ignore the people who don't, or remind myself that they haven't been through what I have been through and don't have a say in what goes on in my life. And I don't think there would have been anything wrong with telling that guy that it was none of his damn business why you changed your name, or making a comment about how disrespectful he was being to you, or asking for someone else to check your history once you realized he wasn't going to quit.
Mostly, I just hope that you don't feel like you did anything wrong. Because you didn't.
I, too, have no relationship with my father for the sake of my own mental health, and I've experienced the same kind of questioning (in fact, I wrote a post on my blog ("The Myth of the Perfect Family" - I would link to it but I keep getting error messages when I try to post this comment) about it and ended up with someone in the comments doing basically the same thing that this guy did to you). Some people understand and some people don't. I try to ignore the people who don't, or remind myself that they haven't been through what I have been through and don't have a say in what goes on in my life. And I don't think there would have been anything wrong with telling that guy that it was none of his damn business why you changed your name, or making a comment about how disrespectful he was being to you, or asking for someone else to check your history once you realized he wasn't going to quit.
Mostly, I just hope that you don't feel like you did anything wrong. Because you didn't.
Wow, I really think that's awesome of you to do. It's just a shame when total strangers feel the need to give unsolicited advice, thoughts, etc. He had so many questions for you. Like you owed him an answer!
I, too, have no relationship with my father for the sake of my own mental health, and I've experienced the same kind of questioning (in fact, I wrote a post on my blog about it and ended up with someone in the comments doing basically the same thing that this guy did to you). Some people understand and some people don't. I try to ignore the people who don't, or remind myself that they haven't been through what I have been through and don't have a say in what goes on in my life. And I don't think there would have been anything wrong with telling that guy that it was none of his damn business why you changed your name, or making a comment about how disrespectful he was being to you, or asking for someone else to check your history once you realized he wasn't going to quit.
Mostly, I just hope that you don't feel like you did anything wrong. Because you didn't.
Whoa, sorry for the quadruple post.
First, you did nothing wrong and nothing disrespectful!
Second, you're not even alone in this! I know someone else who changed his surname to match the parent he felt closer to (in his case, he went from his biological father to his stepfather).
I changed my name a few weeks ago, for a variety of reasons not including marriage. I'm 21.
I was congratulated by my dentist, my gynecologist, credit card companies, bank and insurance company. I am beyond delighted about my name change, so my response was "Thanks! I didn't get married, though..."
No one gave me a lecture or anything, luckily.
Good for you. We need more brave, switched-on people willing to lead the way on this issue. I would go as far to say I'm actually put off getting married (despite loving my partner and wanting to spend my life with him) because of the endless questions I know I'll get for keeping my own last name and not taking his. It does leave a nasty taste in the mouth when ppl are so dozy, but you just have to rise above it and consider that you're more socially advanced. I second everyone who said you did nothing wrong. I know a man who changed his name to his mother's maiden name because he had no relationship with, or respect for, his dad. Our identity is our own to define as we wish. Go you!
I'm married with my husband's name, my mother is married with her first and second husbands' names hyphenated. My mother's maiden name is her father's name and my grandmother's name is her father's name,so forth and so on. Either way I'd end up with a man's name and out of all the men's name to assume only one would be the man I'd be spending the rest of my life with, my husband. Had I taken my mother's name- I'd be taking her husband's name. Had I taken her maiden name, I'd be the only one in my family with her maiden name that-in english is the descriptor for a felonious crime. Even so, taking or not taking a name isn't itself a feminist act. Choosing your own identity of your own free will- even if it so happens to mesh with *tradition* is what makes it a feminist act.
I think its great that you chose to get rid of your fathers name, even if that means taking your grandfathers name to replace it. I personally chose to change my name from my fathers to my great grandmother's on his side because that was the name that I liked best and that to me didn't support somebodies oppression (my great grandmother kept her maiden name when she was married to show that she had control in their relationship and she was waaaaayyyyyyyyy before her time in that too, overall they had a very feminist marriage where neither one of them was the head of the house, they shared that job equally.) so that is now my last name and it will stay that way whether I get married or not.
How could there be anything wrong with having the same name as the person who actually gave birth to you?