We've all heard those words before, often spoken by someone who agrees with the basic tenants of feminism but doesn't want to be labeled as a "hairy man-hating bitter dyke" (though personally, I find nothing wrong with any or all of those labels). It is clear that feminism has a bad reputation in current society. This became apparent to me when engaging in a conversation with a group of friends.
A new hobby of mine is referring to myself as "the feminist in the room", so, during this conversation, when one of my friends said something sexist I replied with "Careful what you say, you might just get beaten up by the feminist in the room.".
Another of my friends looked at me. "Who's a feminist?" he said. I looked at him.
"I am," I replied.
He replied with, "but I thought you were intelligent!"
It took me a second to realise what it was he was saying, and another second to respond. This wasn't the first time I have encountered a negative response to my declarations of feminism. My partner's father, for example, hates feminists, and always says something derogatory when I am found to be reading a feminist text or website. When I asked my partner why this was, He responded that the majority of feminists are the angry man-haters everyone is afraid of being associated with. I honestly don't think this is the case, but I do think those feminists represent a vocal minority within feminism. (I should note at this point that my partner is a feminist ally, and also doesn't see a problem with those feminists)
Honestly, I'm not sure how to respond to these criticisms. How do I tell people that, no, not all feminists are like that, without discounting the ones who are? After all, their opinions are just as important as mine. I try to be proud of my feminism, but at times like this it gets really hard.
What can I do?
(X-Posted to my livejournal)
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I normally ask them if they believe that women and men should have the same opportunities and rights. Most people will say yes. Then I tell them that is what feminism is fighting for, for equal rights for all regardless of gender. I always say that feminism isn't about man-hating. It is about ensuring that society is fair to everyone. Generally, this is just the beginning of the conversation, but giving the most simple definition of feminism can help to clear up confusion.
This assumes that they haven't met those feminists. Many people have, and have received their hostility for feminism as a whole directly from that vocal minority. Even some of the more moderate feminists are not entirely working for equality as they are working for the advancement of women to the exclusion of men. Simply quoting the definition to them won't have changed their experiences.
That's what I do as well, but the FIRST thing I say in reply to their answer is, "then you're a feminist, too." Strictly speaking, it's not 100% accurate to say that, but it really shocks them into thinking about the issues.
And I love to see their faces! haha
Haha, I've had this argument more times than I care to think about. My approach is much the same of JoanOfArc's, it usually goes something along the lines of:
Me: "do you believe that men and women deserve equal rights?"
Them: "well duhh"
Me: "would you say that in front of your mates?"
Them: "Yeah"
Me: "well, I hate to break it to you but, YOU are a feminist. Here's a dictionary, look it up . . ."
Them: "But the term's changed since that was written . . . that's not what it means any more . . . now it only refers to the hairy legged man-haters . . . "
At about that point I usually start banging my head on a wall . . . I'm still hoping though, one of these days I'll win the argument and convince someone to start self-defining as a feminist.
My response:
I am an angry, man-hating, hairy-legged, army-boot-wearing, ugly old feminist. So go run home to your mommy and hide in the closet already. I'm not going anywhere :)
"You can't judge all feminists by the extremists any more than you can judge all __group-person-you're-talking-to-is-in__ by __fringe-members-of-that-group__.
hairy man-hating bitter dyke
You don't see anything wrong with any of these labels? Well, then you have your answer. Most people do.
(sorry for delay in replying. Time difference)
After writing that, I realised that I do have a problem with one of those labels, and that's "man hating". I don't like it when people discriminate based on sex.
It's strange. My group of friends is generally quite progressive. I always thought that they wouldn't have a problem with fat, hairy lesbians. I sure as hell don't! Maybe it just confuses them because I'm dating a man, I couldn't be fat to save my life and I shave. Clearly I'm not a feminist ;)
I wish I knew how to handle things like this. I experience it all the time. Just the other night, I was explaining to a close female friend of mine why it bothered me to see gendered toys (i.e. girl toys = taking care of babies and making food and boy toys = extreme sports and military action figures). She agreed with me, and then said with this tone of utter disgust, "Not to sound all feminist or anything."
My response was to look at her with confusion and say, "I'm a feminist. What's wrong with being a feminist?" And she just shrugged it off and said "I don't know." Hopefully that got through to her at least somewhat, but I honestly don't think there's anything you can say to people as stubborn as the ones you described that'll get you any sort of non-negative reaction beyond a neutral one like a shrug. Making any sort of lasting effect probably takes an accumulation of lots and lots of comments, not just one big comment-to-end-all-comments.
I regard the visibility of my feminism as one of the most important activisms I do. I'll stand up and be "that feminist" amongst my friends, and draw their ridicule if they must, because maybe someone will see me being feminist and rethink what it means to be a feminist - I'm pretty obviously not old, bitter, hairy, or man-hating, to those who know me. And maybe someone who's kind of feminist but too scared to admit it publicly will see me stand up for it and gain the courage to do so themselves. Or even if it's just that my being the visible feminist spares someone else ridicule that could send them back into the feminist closet, I consider that activism worth doing.
In these situations, which are admittedly rare for me anymore, I simply echo the quote that "Feminism is the radical notion that men and women are equal." And for the religious folk, I usually also add that Jesus was a feminist. It totally blows their mind.
Thank you for the responses everyone! Those replies are great, and I'll probably start using a few of them when I come across this again (which I'm sure I will).
I've been thinking about it, and I probably should have answered "I thought you were intelligent enought to know what a feminist is". I was so taken aback when he said it, because my group of friends is generally quite progressive, and he even has the nickname of "Awesome Bruce" because of his general accepting and understanding nature. It was the last thing I expected to hear.
Anyway, thank you all for your help! I really appreciate it :)
hey I just thought I would add something here. I am a feminst and I am not any of the things you described above. I shave, wear makeup, skirts, heels, ect., I am a very happy heterosexual cis female. I like men. Most of my best friends are actually male. And I'm very young and not bitter at all. When I am in that situation I just calmly explain to people that feminists come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, colors, genders, religions, oreintations, ect, just like every other group of people on this planet. We just happen to believe that each and everyone of these people are equal regardless of their shape, size, color, gender, religion, orientation, ect. So I then go on to explain that if they too believe that then they are a feminist too. It blows most peoples minds