(Also posted at The Unmarried Estate Blog )
I got married on Friday. The entire deal cost about $380, including the dinner, the cost of a new shirt and pair of jeans for me (yes we got married in jeans), and what it cost to pay our wedding official. The next day we woke up and did what we usually do on Saturday. We got up, ate breakfast, got dressed and prepared to start our day. We also both checked our e-mail and Facebook pages, as we do everyday, where we both updated our relationship status. Within moments our Facebook pages started blowing up with some of the most obnoxious, yet well-meaning congratulatory well wishes. Now, the people who know us well were cool. They knew that we are two of the biggest critics of marriage but that we had our reasons why getting married was the best option for us; one was a romantic reason, the others were practical reasons. But everyone else peppered us with questions and comments like:
“Why are you on Facebook on your Honeymoon !!!” (emphasis mine)
“Congratulations Mrs. X !” Not having bothered to ask whether I am keeping my birth name, which I am. We also received a piece of mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. X, which pissed me off to no end.
When we arrived at my sister’s home to see my parents again before they went back to California, I was asked by my mother “So, how is the new apartment?” She knows very well that I have lived there for 2 weeks. The apartment was the same as it was 2 weeks ago when I moved in and the same as it has been every time I have stayed overnight. My husband has lived in this apartment for almost a year!
Then, some friends of my sister’s who recently had a baby came over. They are great people and I like them a lot but my mother went absolutely gaga over their kid. She was shoving the kid in both our faces expecting us to react to it in that insane way people react to babies, which he and I don’t do. Again, my mother knows full well that my husband and I have no interest in having children and do not particularly like spending time with them either. I think she thought “Well they are married now, maybe they feel differently…” Well let me be clear to everyone:
Fuck. No.
I feel exactly the same way about everything as I felt before I said “I do”.
This morning over breakfast, we were discussing how crazy people were acting. We couldn’t figure out why, because nothing about our relationship has really changed. Then it hit me. Something really BIG has changed: How other people view our relationship is what has changed. We have a status in our community that comes with certain ridiculous expectations that are completely inconsistent with both of our personalities. But people expect your personalities to change to accommodate these expectations. Let me say it again: Fuck. No. Most people have bought into this bullshit line that marriage is transformative and changes you into a different person. Well it doesn’t and it hasn’t.
And I’ll tell you this: These bullshit reactions from my mother and some of our Facebook friends is the one thing that kept this weekend from being perfect.
These people need to calm the fuck down.
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I think it would be more accurate to say being in a committed relationship changes who you are, especially over time. Marriage and commitment are not the same thing but people often confuse the two.
I'm not sure I get your frustration with being asked about why you were on Facebook on your honeymoon? From the rest of your post, I'm guessing it was the assumption that you would have one?
I've wondered to myself before why people on my FB friends list pop in and update their FB page during times when they probably ought to be focused on something else. My criticism lies entirely in the annoyance that we're so fucking connected to the internet these days we can't even take some time off from it to enjoy the great moments in life, and instead fly to our phones or computers to type out a blow-by-blow of what's going on instead of being fully in the moment.
I can't stand the idea of everyone I know just going crazy like that, and then the imminent failures when I patiently try to explain my choices for the nth time in the hope that it'll make a difference.
i mean, i get why it's annoying but... you're obviously not that close with these 'friends' on facebook. they don't even have the basic ideas about your life/lifestyle down pat. so f 'em. they are having standard-annoyo-wedding reactions. i don't see them as THAT inflammatory, and you can always hit the 'delete' button.
The poster is demonstrating sociological trends that relate to gender. Duh. Its not about deleting things or not.
My husband and I married in a similar fashion. One random Tuesday we decided to go ahead and get it over with, so we called around local justices of the peace and found one who would be free at one o' clock on Friday. I called my father Wednesday and said, more-or-less, "I just got out of the Hyundai dealership on such-and-such street, and I've signed the papers to buy an Accent. Oh, and we're getting married on Friday."
I still have to say, though, being married did change things. It didn't happen at first, but within about six months we were noticing the difference.
Don't discount the effect of how other people perceive your relationship - if outside people take a relationship more seriously, then in general those involved in the relationship will take it more seriously, too. No matter how often your friends might say of a romantic relationship, "It's just like you two are married," that's still not the same thing in the public consciousness as, "Oh, you're married."
That's one of the reasons it's so important for many gay couples that they be able to marry - public recognition is important. No matter how strong your love for each other, life is that much harder when you're "only" the boyfriend/girlfriend (or "only" the roommate).
I hate to say this but, they never really do calm down. If you're dating, people always ask, "So when are you getting married?" If you're married, "So when is the baby coming?" If you have a baby, "Aren't you planning to give the baby a brother/sister? You can't just have one!"
It never ends. People are nosy. And they assume way too fucking much.
My best advice: ignore the crap out of them and make tons of sarcastic comments in response to their inappropriate ones. It works better than most things I've tried.
When I was married, people automatically assumed I'd adopt my husband's name, although I've always said that I would keep my own surname. And there were plenty of comments about the "pattering of little feet" despite the fact that I have never, ever expressed any desire to reproduce. It seems like some people have a picture in their heads of how life should be and can't quite summon up the imagination to tolerate any deviation from that.