I have frequently heard fathers refer to time spent alone with their children as "babysitting". I realize this may sound like I'm being picky about semantics, but when was the last time you heard a mother talk about babysitting her children?
As a society, we believe women should be caring for their children, whether they work outside the home or not. Women who are mothers have children who require their care. Great. This assumption has positive aspects: We value the maternal-child bond, perhaps; we believe women are excellent caregivers; we think young children in particular are devoted to their mothers and their mothers to them. [These assumptions are highly debatable; I'm just trying to offer a positive spin].
I'd like to focus on the negative implications of this: Why is a father any less valuable to his children? Why is his time seen as his own and his children as an inconvenience upon it? This appears to be the assumption inherent in the claim that he babysits his children. It is a chore. Even more than that, it is unpaid, rather unlike the babysitters I employ to care for my girls. So, not only is he going out of his way to offer a service (and allowing his partner the luxury of time spent away from the children), he is doing it without asking for anything in return.
It is also highly problematic that women are identified first as mothers, while fathers seem to have the luxury of being acknowledged as independent individuals, until their time is invaded by their children. On the contrary, it is assumed that a woman will parent first and then take a break if possible. A woman's identity is somehow subsumed by motherhood in a way that a man's is not when he becomes a father.
We all want fathers to be involved. We applaud them for big things like taking (and fighting for) parental leave, as well as smaller things like changing diapers and purchasing carseats. So why is it that a father who spends time alone with his children views it (or is viewed) as an act of martyrdom?
"Sorry, I can't go to the game, I'm babysitting."
"I can't finish up this project until later. I'm babysitting until my wife gets back."
No matter how much we value equality and how hard we try to make our partnerships, decisions and parental responsibilities equal, a man who babysits is not equal to a woman who parents. Not at all.
[cross posted on my blog: http://youngfeministmother.blogspot.com]
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For what it's worth my female friends refer to babysitting their own kids all the time.
weird
It's not really semantics in this case. I hear parents say they're "babysitting" very rarely, but it's common for them to say they're "watching" the kid(s). The same thing is meant by the speaker in each case (at least amongst my compadres), but there's definitely a different automatic conceptualization between one and the other when you hear them.
At the same time, it is important to look at the meaning of the person saying it. Some do think of it in the normal parental sense of taking care of the kids. Others, like you say, use it as an indicator of their assumption that the other parent is the main caretaker. One side you can nudge gently away from calling it babysitting. The other needs... somewhat stronger lessons.
Holy cow, when I hear men referred to as "babysitting" for taking care of their own kids, steam comes out of my ears and I see red. I usually respond with an icy "Don't you mean parenting." which is remarkable b/c what I really want to do is hit someone with a brick. Wow, that is one of my triggers. My blood pressure is up like 100 points just thinking about it.
I've actually heard this from other women. When going out with friends who have children, other women comment on how these parents' husbands must be "home babysitting." I've heard comments such as, "Oh, isn't your husband great to babysit for you so you can come out with the girls." This is totally acceptable behavior and I seemed to be the only outraged by such conversation.
I've also known many stand-up dads who definitely parent half of the time or more and do not see it as a chore, or a favor for the mother.
I've always hated this, and I always cite an old Doonesbury comic when exprssing my displeasure with it. Unfortunately, paraphrasing will have to do, as I can't find it on Google.
*child in bathtub, mother washing child, father standing over mother*
First Panel
F: "Hi! Can I help?"
M: "No, you may not."
Second Panel
M: "'Helping' suggests that's it's fundamentally my job, and you're doing something extra. Go outside, come back in and try again."
Third Panel
*no dialogue, father out of frame*
Fourth Panel
F: "Hi! Can I coparent?"
M: "No. You always get the floor wet."
Yea, that gets me crazy too. While I was married, my ex-husband was congratulated and praised by his mother (and mine) for watching the kids while I did things like grocery shop, get a mammogram--you know exciting things like that.
I read a wonderful book by Margaret Mead, "Coming of Age in Samoa" that really got me thinking about the validity of the nuclear family. According to Mead, these children in their "primitive" culture faired better psychologically than their American peers because they were raised by many different people. They did not form such intense attachments to just one or two people. I guess Mead was implying that such intensity can cause emotional trauma. I know this is rather simplistic and not at all possible in our current society (or probably modern Samoa for that matter), but it just made me think.