There is something that I have been doing ever since I have been moved into the city. I walk a lot by myself, mostly to and from the train to my apartment. It's not that far. About five blocks at the most. It's usually during the daytime or in the early evening, and it's in a familiar neighborhood (I've lived here for over 2 years now) but I still do it. When I see that I'm about to approach a man in the street or sidewalk I pull out my phone and pretend I'm talking to someone on it. I use this as a deterrent for street harassment. I've found that most of the time if guys think I'm on the phone they won't harass me, or at least if they do I'll have an excuse for ignoring them. They won't get more abusive or loud if I ignore them because they "understand" because I'm on the phone. I also wear my sunglasses most of the time when I'm outside, even if it's not very sunny. This way guys can't make eye contact with me. I've found that if I make eye contact with a man, even by accident, he's more likely to try and engage in conversation with me.
None of my male friends do these kinds of things when they're walking alone. They think it is weird that I do. They think it is strange that I am so put off and scared just by the prospect of being talked to or approached by strange men on the street.
As many of you probably know from reading previous posts of mine, I'm a rape survivor. These things that I do make me feel more comfortable when walking by myself. I consider them my armor. While I don't feel 100% safe doing them, they make me feel safer.
I was not raped by a stranger. I was raped by someone I knew, in my parents' home. So why am I so afraid of random men while walking outside, even in perfect daylight? I have no idea. But that is my life now. I didn't have any of these behaviors until I moved back to Chicago, the place where my rape occurred. I walked around in DC and New Orleans without a care in the world. But I feel like since moving back here I've moved back into some sort of rape culture that I had escaped from.
I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish with this post. It was something I just noticed today. Something I felt like I needed to write down.
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Thank you for this. I find myself doing the same thing.(Walking down the street pretending to be on the phone, or listening to a silent Ipod.) However, it doesn't seem to work as well. Also, I live in DC. Girl, please tell me what part of the city you were in that you didn't receive street harassment? I need to go there asap! Please point me in the right direction. Just an FYI, street harassment here in DC (at least, the part I live in), rivals anything I've seen in NYC. It's ridiculous. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to wear summer dresses anymore, b/c I know that I'm going to get catcalled, yelled at, annoyed, pretty much anything you can name ten times more than normal. It's irritating, frustrating, and I wish that I could just walk the street some days without the bullshit.
Oh no no, I'm not saying that when I lived in DC I didn't receive street harassment. I most certainly did. Plenty of it.
Sorry it that was confusing in my OP.
It's just, that wasn't the town I was raped in so I didn't see it as as much of a scary threat. I could handle it in my own way. I didn't have to avoid it by pretend talking on my cell phone or what have you. I wasn't as scared.
Now that I've returned to Chicago I'm back in the city where I was raped. So everything is difference. My confidence is gone. I'm afraid of everything. It's horrible.
When I lived in DC I got harassed in pretty much every part of town... I wish I could tell you there's a safe haven, but I'm not aware of one!
i always either call my best friend or my father when i walk the 6 blocks home or am walking to meet someone after work. otherwise i am always approached. my boyfriend used to think it was weird until he got off the train a few minutes after me last year and saw several guys walk up to me on my way home when i was alone. now he gets it.
I've noticed street harassment ever since I moved to NYC about a year ago. I'm not quite sure what can be done. As a guy, I'm never the victim and if a woman decides the most reasonable way to handle it is to scurry off or ignore the harasser, I'm not going to second-guess her and intervene.
I don't think it's odd at all not to want to talk to strangers. Your friends' not understanding this is a variant on the social script that women should always be available for the whims of men.
It's not so much they think it's weird that I don't want to talk to strangers. They understand me not wanting to strike up random conversations. They get I don't like to be catcalled. They just think it's weird that I'm so scared when strange men even ask me seemingly benign questions on the street. They don't get that since I've been raped the idea of random men approaching me as I'm alone, even to ask something simple like for the time, scares me.
I hide it well. I mean, when a man does approach me with a random question, I'll answer it nicely and continue on my way. I don't run and hide or anything. And if I do get catcalled and caught without my "armor" I seem brave and strong. I'll yell at the guy usually. But inside...it's scary for me.
Oh, okay, that makes sense. And I am so sorry that you go through this.
You know I used to do the same thing. Then I went and bought a can of pepper spray, its one of the ones that clip to your key chain so I just keep my keys in my hand when I walking alone. It gives me more confidence to know that if someone tried something I could pull the clip and spray him in the face. I'm on a college campus that is not exactly woman friendly and female students have been raped even when the security is in the area that the rape occured in. I am a rape survivor as well and even though I knew my rapist it has made me more careful. Personally, I think that is because one I don't want to go through the experience again, and two its made me recognize that as strong as I am, I'm no match for most of the men in this world. But I highly suggest the pepper spray. It makes you feel more secure knowing that you are armed.
My partner is gets very vigilant and puffed up around stranger males. I asked him why the tension? He says that he feels that with most men he has to establish some sort of dominance. He does this with his body language, a poker-face, eye contact, not moving out of the way, etc. Keep in mind that he grew up in another country, and learned this behavior there; but still, I found this commentary interesting.
Fear and tension around stranger males isn't limited to women. But it seems we are more willing to admit it and talk about it. I think also there are nuances of ethnicity and class as well too. I admit that I have a fear of homogenous groups of men, regardless of their ethnicity (I'm WOC by the way). But If I see one woman in the group or if the group is ethnically diverse, I feel safer. I do recognize this as a socialization. And I do try to find a balance between treating everybody as an individual first and foremost.
For example, one time I flew home very late. When I got to my car I saw that a guy needed a jump start. He said he had called for help but it being late, nobody had come. Probably stupid on my part, but it was cold so I offered him my cables (but I had my that metal steering wheel gadget, THE CLUB, handy just in case--my Dad taught me about that one). The security/helper people finally came as I was getting out my cables. So then, we decided to let them take care of it. But the guy said to me something like, "thanks for giving me a chance"-- because he recognized the position that I was in, which was cool on his part.
Also one of my ex's who was 6 foot tall, dark skin, etc told me of countless times of clerks and women on the street being afraid of him. He understood why, but it really sucked for him. Just simple stuff like asking strangers say for the time, made him feel awkward. And the funny thing was that he was as gentle and mellow as they come. I don't think I've ever met a guy so laid back, lol.
I haven't been raped, so I know that I'm coming from a place of privilege. I totally understand that you've got to take care of yourself first and foremost. Many of these armor tricks I do also. Earphones are the best, I've found because if you ignore them they don't curse you out. Again why someone would hurl insults at a stranger for ignoring a catcall comes back to some entitlement issues that we aren't having a very good time dealing with in our culture.