Disclaimer : This is a difficult issue, and I'm sure this post is going to upset some people. I'm open to criticism, but please take it in good faith that I am trying to address this issue openly and start conversations, not attack anyone's race or culture.
It happened again today. On my way to work this morning, I heard, "Hey baby. Good morning, gorgeous." I don't appreciate this type of street harassment, so I just kept walking and ignored the man. "Hello? Hello?? Come on, baby!" he persisted as I walked away, never making eye contact. Nothing unusual about this situation, it happens all the time. But then he turned to his friend and made a loud remark to the effect that white women are too stuck up to pay attention to black men. Basically, he (a black man) accused me (a white woman) of being racist for ignoring his harassment.
I've heard remarks like this before, and it really, really frustrates me. I had similar experiences numerous times when I lived in Mexico. A man would harass me on the street (or in a club, in a restaurant, etc), and I would ignore him or politely turn him down. "What, you don't like Mexicans?" I often heard. Or, "too stuck up to pay attention, gringa? Think you're too good for me?" I even had a man try to grope me on the dance floor, physically restrain me when I tried to walk away, and continuously try to kiss me against my will, all the while accusing me of being stuck up and racist for trying to reject him.
I understand that in some cases, white women are stuck up, or may respond differently to harassment depending on the race of the harasser. I don't deny that men of color sometimes feel condescended to by white women, and that this is a legitimate frustration. I also know that Mexican men have a long history of being exotified, objectified, and rejected etc by visiting American women, and that this is also a legitimate frustration. But I have the same response to all harassment without regard to the race or nationality of the harasser -- keep walking, ignore them, don't make eye contact. To be accused of being racist while ignoring inappropriate comments on the street is really hurtful, and makes me feel like I have to somehow explain myself or justify my decision not to engage with harassers.
Do folks have suggestions for how to deal with this type of accusation? Any insight to the ways that men occasionally use race and guilt as an excuse to perpetrate sexual harassment? Insights into what kind of anger is behind these accusations so that I can better sympathize with harassers' concerns, even if they're not true in my case?
And please, know that I am NOT trying to say that only men of color harass. I've been harassed by men of all colors. I've been harassed by homeless men and men in business suits. I've been harassed by men in dozens of countries on four continents. In this post, I am trying to address the difficulties that arise when I'm harassed by some men of color, which adds a layer of discomfort for me because by ignoring or rejecting their advances, I am sometimes made to feel like I am rejecting them BECAUSE of their race, which is absolutely NOT the case.
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Don't worry, they are racist for assuming you are racist.
Actually, Steven, considering how widespread White American racism is, and considering that White American racism is part of a 400 year old system of White Supremacist power and privilege, it's a reasonable assumption to make that any White person you meet is a racist, because all White Americans benefit from that racist system to one degree or another.
The key to ending race and gender based discrimination is to not assume anything about a person based on their gender or race, no matter how "reasonable" it might seem.
It's true that as a white person, I do benefit from institutional racism and I'm complicit in a racist system... but that doesn't mean that I don't have the right to reject and ignore street harassment, or that I have the obligation to respond to someone who is harassing me just to prove that I'm not racist...
What we have in America is also a history of hundreds of years of people opposing racism, starting with and before the the February 18, 1688 Germantown protest against slavery.
And stellar way of hedging your comment and minimizing your own prejudices.
You are under no obligation to respond to invalidity or fallacious assertions. In fact, declarations like the ones you've described are most likely being used as a means of access and are not authentic convictions. False allegations with malicious intent should not hurt you; instead understand them as even more potent attempts to elicit a response.
Some might actually believe their allegations of racism. Understand though that individuals who continue to accost others after substantial demonstrations of disinterest aren't necessarily worthy of your assistance in adjusting their reasoning.
If you believe the harasser is susceptible and you can apply assistance from a position of authority (and without vulnerability) then you may have an opportunity to simultaneously help them and society by doing so. In my experience occasions such as these are exceptions to the rule, however.
What is of paramount importance is the maintenance and sustained integrity of your internal sphere. No one can impose guilt unless you allow it and you should not be overcome by guilt under conditions of invalidity. Sympathize with your harassers only to the extent that you wish they could be more than they are.
Your comment sounds really patronizing and utterly tone deaf to the reality of American race relations.
My advice was tailored to the direct inquiries of the OP. It certainly wasn't meant to have a flair of condescension.
The OP made it very clear she is not rejecting her harassers because of their race but because of the nature and circumstance of their comments and engagement.
Which premise(s) underpinning my assertions do you believe exhibit(s) tone deafness to "the reality of American race relations"?
I'm so sick of this. I get the same thing. I live in a southern New Mexico town not far from the US/Mexico border. The majority of the people are mexican. I volunteer all of my free time at the local center that assists new US citizens from mexico get jobs, sign their kids up for medicaid, get them enrolled in english classes ect. I also work heavily with my congressmen trying to get the immigration laws changed. I am probably as far as it can get from being a racist, but I am often hit on by the single men who come into the center. I am what is called a case counselor, meaning I am in rooms alone with these people. I often get accused of being a racist when I ignore their come ons or turn them down on their offers of dating/hooking up. I actually had to have one older man removed from the building by security because I turned down his offer to have sex with him. But the only reason I could possibly be turning them down is because I am a racist. Not because I'm 18 and they are often in their 30's and 40's, not because I'm already in a happy relationship, not because I don't date strange guys I don't really know. No the only reason a young white woman could possibly turn down the 30 and 40 year old men is because she hates brown people. Oh and I don't like being called "gringa" "cracker" and "wonder bread" by people either. I am not food and I think it speaks to a bigger cultural problem when I am told by people who are being treated with disrespect because they are not natural born citizens, that I am below THEM and therefore should be grateful that they want me.
"I volunteer all of my free time at the local center that assists new US citizens from mexico get jobs, sign their kids up for medicaid, get them enrolled in english classes ect. I also work heavily with my congressmen trying to get the immigration laws changed."
Do you want your anti racism cookie now? or later?
Maybe, just maybe, your clients have figured out that you look down on them and think you are better than they are.
Based on reading your post, they may be correct, because it sure as hell does sound like you view Latino immigrants as 'less than' and are truly horrified that they would be sexually attracted to you, because heaven forbid that an untermench would dare think a sexual thought about one of their betters!
I completely agree. She's clearly a huge racist and owes them sex on demand as reparations.
And how do you know that these men hitting on her don't think that they are better than she is?
Some men unfortunately have a nasty habit of interacting with women in their communities one way, and then viewing other women as disposable whores for experimenting on or to boost male status with their buddies. And I can tell you from my own experience that this doesn't seem limited to any ethnic group or nationality that I can see. Women even do this to some degree as well.
"...Based on reading your post, they may be correct, because it sure as hell does sound like you view Latino immigrants as 'less than' and are truly horrified that they would be sexually attracted to you, because heaven forbid that an untermench would dare think a sexual thought about one of their betters!"
Based on reading all of her post? Even this part:
"...I often get accused of being a racist when I ignore their come ons or turn them down on their offers of dating/hooking up. I actually had to have one older man removed from the building by security because I turned down his offer to have sex with him. But the only reason I could possibly be turning them down is because I am a racist. Not because I'm 18 and they are often in their 30's and 40's, not because I'm already in a happy relationship, not because I don't date strange guys I don't really know. No the only reason a young white woman could possibly turn down the 30 and 40 year old men is because she hates brown people..."
?
did you ever consider that I do this because I actually truly believe that all human beings are created equal and deserve a fair shot? I don't look down upon people who do everything they can to better their lives, who have gone through the worst run part of our government and have succeeded in taking a rediculous test to prove that they deserve to be American citizens. I actually hold most of these people in the highest regard and have become close friends with many of the people who I have helped, not because I need to prove that I'm better than they are, but to help the people who truly need and deserve the help the most. I just don't like being hit on by older men, especially when I am in a work setting and I am supposed to be helping them get their lives set up. Do you seriously think I would go and volunteer my time to a cause like this if I truly thought that people of other races were beneath me? No I would take the easy route and fight aganst them getting citizenship in the first palce, believe me it would be a hell of a lot easier than seeing some of the people who walk into my office who I have grown attached to, who I want the best possible out of life for spiralling down into despair because they couldn't find a job because of their status, or the young mothers who get fired because they had to take off of work to take their sick child to the doctor? The work that I do is some of the most emotionally trying that can be done in this country. I'd like to see you go spend a couple of weeks doing what I do, and then as a reward for your work get hit on by 40 year old men who only want to get into your pants and then accuse you of being a racist. From what I read of everything you have posted on here you just hate all white people and want to put them in their place, even if you don't know that they are white. Get this through your head: not all white people are racists. We don't all think that we are above people who are not white, actually I would say that the majority feels that people are equal regardless of race. At least if you are male.
I'd just like to add for the record that the small southern new mexico town where I live is mostly people of mexican descent, with very few white people mixed in. The only time I come into contact with other white people in my day is on my college campus (and I detail the problems I face from that in my own post) so there really isn't the oppertunity outside of what I experience there to be targeted for harrassment by white men. I'm 100% positive that I would experience it from them too if they were there, as I experience it when I go home to visit and am out and about, as I don't own a car I walk and take the bus in the main city and I borrow my mom's car if I need to go somewhere not in the city and get harrassed by men of all races and class levels there too.
Good luck having an intersectionality discussion with a street harasser :).
And please, know that I am NOT trying to say that only men of color harass. I've been harassed by men of all colors. I've been harassed by homeless men and men in business suits. I've been harassed by men in dozens of countries on four continents.
Haha. Wow, bud, you've been really, really unlucky. Damn.
Why is it funny?
I think that's a pretty common experience among women... I wasn't trying to say "please feel bad for me, I get harassed everywhere I go!" Sorry if it came off that way.
Insights into what kind of anger is behind these accusations so that I can better sympathize with harassers' concerns, even if they're not true in my case?
It's called mind games. These men cannot be reasoned with. These guys don't respect apologies or niceness, either. They'll just use it against you. I've tried to have a respectful conversation with harassers but they don't get it. They don't want to get it.
There are just too man examples where it seems that many men want right to have access to any women (of their liking) on demand. Where is the agency of the woman, though?
Ponder this for example:
I know someone who went up to Canada and tried to solicit a specific female prostitute whom he fancied; he was turned down because the woman didn't like blacks (she specifically asked him what race he was...)
He was pissed, but I'm thinking that there is so much more wrong with that picture...
Could you explain?
He went to a sex worker, and his loonies were just as green as anybody elses, and she turned him down because he was Black.
That's the moral equivalent of him going to a McDonalds and the counterperson refusing to sell him a hamburger because they don't serve Blacks at that restaurant.
Before anybody flies into a rage here, NO I am NOT comparing women to Big Macs!
I am saying he was denied a service because of his race - and, since African Americans have a long experience with that in this country, it makes us really really angry.
Now, if she had rejected him because his personal hygiene was subpar, or because he was acting in a creepy or dangerous way, she'd be well within her rights.
But to deny her services to him just because of his race?
That is offensive beyond words!
Somebody forgot to tell her this is 2009, not 1955!
(sorry for the derail, here).
Well, this is one of the problems I see with seeing paid sex as purely a service (like fast food).
If you look at it as sex first and foremost, people often say (even brag) that they have sexual preferences for partners based on race, ethnicity, age and sadly even unfair stereotypes (loud, submissive, dominant, unfeminine, too feminine) all the time. Mostly this goes largely unchallenged (other than talking about it), even when it is obvious that some of these preferences are in part cultivated by complex racist and classist influences.
If my friend had met this woman at a club and said she wasn't into black guys, is she racist? When men (of any ethnicity) say they only like blue-eyed blondes is that racist? Hell, I've had plenty of black guys tell me that they don't date dark black women or black women at all. Period end of story no exceptions. Are they racist? And if so does this evoke as much outrage as the sex worker who refused my friend?
And I really have no idea why this woman had an issue. And I'm not defending her position. She was working under a pimp, so who the hell knows what she's dealing with.
But let's be careful with fact that money is changing hands. What does money really buy here? In other words I don't want to make a distinction between him being turned down for his ethnicity by some random gal in a club or by a sex worker. Both instances are equally troubling.
My issue is that I don't think that it should be MORE upsetting because she's a prostitute. She is not obligated to have sex with everyone, even if they are paying. Even if she is racist or even if the customer perceives it as racist. In fact nobody is obligated to have sex with anyone.
This is an unfortunate example, because of the historical experience of black folks in the Americas, but I've heard of this practice before in other places. I've heard stories like this in Brazil (from the same guy but this time he was the "golden customer"), Japan, SE Asia where some workers or establishments cater to or flat out exclude men based on race, nationality, ethnicity, etc.
If my friend had met this woman at a club and said she wasn't into black guys, is she racist? When men (of any ethnicity) say they only like blue-eyed blondes is that racist? Hell, I've had plenty of black guys tell me that they don't date dark black women or black women at all. Period end of story no exceptions. Are they racist? And if so does this evoke as much outrage as the sex worker who refused my friend?
Hell yeah they are racist.
And the reason it does not evoke as much outrage is because many people people are to cowardly to call minorities racist, just like many people are afraid to admit that women can be sexist.
Or because people will minimize Isms found in non-dominant groups.
Well the question on the outrage was not just for the last example. Do you think men who prefer only blue-eyed blondes without exception are racist too? What about the woman here?
And for the record, within minority communities folks have been calling this shit out as racist for a long time. But other than talking about it, what can you do if people have these types of preferences? Talking about it won't change a person's mind.
"...In other words I don't want to make a distinction between him being turned down for his ethnicity by some random gal in a club or by a sex worker. Both instances are equally troubling.
"My issue is that I don't think that it should be MORE upsetting because she's a prostitute. She is not obligated to have sex with everyone, even if they are paying. Even if she is racist or even if the customer perceives it as racist. In fact nobody is obligated to have sex with anyone..."
Exactly!
No means no, and having a superficial reason for not wanting sex with a particular person/at a particular time/etc. doesn't cancel out one's right to not have sex that she or he doesn't want to have.
"...Now, if she had rejected him because his personal hygiene was subpar, or because he was acting in a creepy or dangerous way, she'd be well within her rights..."
Refusing to have sex one doesn't want to have is always well within one's rights.
"...But to deny her services to him just because of his race?
"That is offensive beyond words!..."
If refusing to have sex one doesn't want to have is ever racist, then racist isn't always bad.
Meanwhile, now I wonder if any lawyers of rapists have ever accused the rape victims of racism (like telling the jurors "sure she said no, but she said no because of his race so that wasn't fair and doesn't count") in order to get their clients off the hook...
I think if they can blame rejection on you being racist it makes them feel better. I get harassed by white guys a lot (I am white) and since they can't use the race thing they instead will call me stuck up or say that I think I am too good for them cause I went to college. Having an excuse for their being rejected saves face for them in front of friends, others, and themselves. I also think it has to do with that sense of entitlement-if you don't want them then there has to be something wrong with you.
good points!
I happen to think that talking to people you don't know in a public place is rude - especially if that "talking" takes the form of yelling at somebody, and in particular if that yelling involves comments about that person's sexualized body parts.
It's not only rude, it's sexist too since, probably 999 times out of 1,000 it's a man commenting on a woman's body parts.
But when you bring race into the picture, it gets tricky.
Especially considering the fact that, within living memory, African American men were arrested, beaten and even tortured to death for the "crime" of "reckless eyeballing" White women.
And yes, African American men really were arrested for that in the old South.
I suspect strongly that the reason some upper class White professional women are so outraged by Black or Latino men viewing them sexually has a lot to do with that history.
There's a class dynamic here too.
I work in office buildings in Midtown Manhattan - I'm a carpenter who installs office furniture and metal doors.
As I'm sure every woman in New York knows, during the warmer part of the year (roughly April to October) between roughly 12 and 1 every day, there are large groups of men eating lunch outside of these buildings.
And yes, many of these men more or less openly ogle and stare at women passersby - and some of the bolder and/or more obnoxious guys actually make comments, some of which are quite lewd.
From my observations, I've seen just as many white collar guys out there sitting with the construction workers and the messengers.
But what's the stereotype?
Those horny perverted construction workers harassing women.
You rarely if ever hear anything about the white collar guys harassing women - although, I would have to say from personal observation that, as a group, they're about as bad as us.
And I know at least one corner in New York City - 7th Avenue between 26th and 28th, right in front of the Fashion Institute of Technology - where the bulk of the street harassment is done by white collar men.
But I rarely if ever read a post complaining about those men engaging in street harassment.
Now why might that be?
Is it class?
And can race be a factor as well, considering the fact that almost all of the messengers - and an awful lot of the construction workers - are men of color?
Is street harassment somehow less "harassy" if it's a stockbroker or a garment district buyer in a $ 2,000 suit than if it's a carpenter or a delivery person in jeans and work boots?
"...There's a class dynamic here too.
"I work in office buildings in Midtown Manhattan - I'm a carpenter who installs office furniture and metal doors.
"As I'm sure every woman in New York knows, during the warmer part of the year (roughly April to October) between roughly 12 and 1 every day, there are large groups of men eating lunch outside of these buildings.
"And yes, many of these men more or less openly ogle and stare at women passersby - and some of the bolder and/or more obnoxious guys actually make comments, some of which are quite lewd.
"From my observations, I've seen just as many white collar guys out there sitting with the construction workers and the messengers.
"But what's the stereotype?
"Those horny perverted construction workers harassing women..."
This reminds me of the other day when I walked past three groups of construction workers having lunch, no one in any of the groups harassed me (BTW, somehow I get less street harassment these days in general), and I thought "yep, the stereotype's not true."
I sense that the OP wants a cookie here but I'm not biting. Equal treatment of different races does not mean treating people of color with a patronizing do gooder attitude. I bet many of the people who street harrass are poor or lack class and educational privilege. These are real oppressions too and I bet you turn them down without turning into an oozing pile of liberal guilt. These people will use exactly the same tactics as 'black men' do - you're stuck up, think you're better. I'm black and I get white men saying I'm a racist and don't like white people and black men saying I hate black people. It's called harassment.
When I lived in Chicago, I was harrassed by a lot of veterans in wheelchairs - guess it's time for a post on disability and 'dealing with those people'. Ugh. You know other people will have hidden oppressions and will be acting on them too. Do you worry that the white men you reject have mental illnesses or are abuse survivors? No. I get the impression that you want some insight into POC misogyny cos it must be so different from white misogyny. It's not.
A couple of points
1. Like I said before, I am harrassed by white men who bring up race all the time. That is a side you do not see so before you begin to construct some 'brown misogyny' module for your next women studies class, you might wanna just try to treat people equally. While racism is definitely a force to be reckoned with in this country, I think the idea that white people must now happily accept harrassment and abuse from black people is a straw man most commonly used by right wingers but clearly with some force among liberal do gooders too. No one is asking that the 'price' for racism is white women. Brace yourself - people from all races lie, harrass, are assholes and in most places are still steeped in a strongly misogynistic culture which sees women as their right. 'Brown' men may be using different words but the message is the same - as a woman, you are nothing but a collection of parts for my consumption.
2. I think the best defence against being a racist and being accused of being a racist is the same. Educate yourself. Seriously. So many amazing blogs and books out there. If you want to be a truly intersectional feminist you will have to anyway. If you know what racism is, and how racism manifests in a culture (like misogyny it informs general society) then you will have confidence in these situations in the rightness of your behavior. I also think that it helps you be a better ally (and I use the word loosely at this point). The problem with the liberal do gooder model is that it is based on finding people sympathetic (then eliciting emotional reactions like guilt), not on a true understanding of justice and injustice. If your anti racism is based on finding minorities 'stories' sympathetic, then it will only last in the face of sympathetic minorities. Many people in the world are not sympathetic and they still need to live in a fair world. The superior way is understand race as a construct, rather than trying to find specific experiences with which to feel sorry for your abuser.
3. A true understanding of race will probably lead to another revelation which will help you out. As an ally, you probably will mess up at some point and offend someone. If you are one of those allies who is so enamoured with your own perfection and is so committed to never committing a thought crime and never being 'racist' that you will miss opportunities to grow and learn and refuse to acknowledge any mistakes you do make. Hell, WOMEN FEMINISTS say and do anti feminist things all the time. We all learn and grow. Dying a death every time someone uses the 'r' word is not helpful.
Finally, guilt is an emotion that women are guided towards by societal construction. Resist it. Logic is your friend. Use it. I think that feminists, especially super liberal ones, struggle to achieve balance when it comes to other oppressions. Some women are so used to apologizing and being controlled and their introduction to feminism is such a liberation that they cannot stand the idea of still 'kow towing' other people's sensitivities and watching their tongues. This is many feminists on sites like feministing as seen on almost all discussions. On the other side, some women don't quite shake off the master's yoke and approach everything in a pretty unfeminist way. This is where many liberal do gooders fit. It becomes about emotion (their emotion specifically) and complex social realities and rich history become reduced to 'my emotional reaction'. I don't think either are particularly helpful ways to deal with the complexities of intersectionalism. And as a woman being a prisoner of emotion is dangerous because it makes you quite vulnerable to further manipulation and abuse.
Thank you for this comment.
I don't really appreciate being told that I am "asking for a cookie" or that I'm trying to say that people of color as misogynistic in some different and mystical way. I think I tried pretty hard in my post to be clear that I have been harassed by all different kinds of people, but that I was interested in exploring this issue in particular. And for the record, yes, I've been harassed by disabled men and men without the same educational privilege that I have -- but none of these people has ever accused me of turning them down for that reason. I was trying to talk about instances where I get accused to my face of being prejudiced for ignoring a harasser -- and for some reason, this has only happened because of race, and not other forms of oppression. I really have no idea why -- and this could certainly be a topic for a whole new conversation. Maybe my experience is an anomaly. And I have definitely heard stories (and directly witnessed instances) of white men doing the same thing to women of color -- harassing them, and responding to rejection by making some sort of comment like "what, you think you're too good for a white boy?"
I'm sorry if my post came across as having a "patronizing do-gooder attitude." I really wasn't trying to say "oh these poor men of color, how can I help them understand that I'm not racist?" I just wanted to acknowledge that even though I don't appreciate the harassment, I understand that a lot of frustration toward white women has legitimate causes, even if that doesn't give them the right to take it out on me directly by harassing me. And I truly wasn't trying to find ways to "feel sorry for" the men who harass me -- I suppose I shouldn't have used a word like "sympathize" but rather something more like "begin to understand."
I definitely appreciate your points about educating myself to try to become a better ally. As I think I hinted in my post, issues of race and class in America aren't exactly foreign to me, but of course I can never claim that I'm done educating myself, and it's always helpful to be reminded.
What I most appreciate is the last paragraph. I think you make a really good point that women are socialized to internalize frustrations and feel so guilty about things that we are unable to take action to correct them. It's true that I felt compelled to write and start a discussion about this because of my strong emotional reaction -- but I certainly wasn't trying to reduce the whole complex situation to "this makes me feel bad, help!"
So, again, thank you. While I wish you had taken my post a little bit more "in good faith," I found your comments really helpful.
Oh, and just to be clear...
No, I don't "turn into an oozing pile of liberal guilt" when I reject men of color -- I regularly reject men of color (and disabled men, and men who face X oppression) without a twinge of guilt. I'm specifically talking about instances where somebody actually tries to tell me to my face that my rejection of them was BECAUSE of their race. And no, it doesn't turn me into an "oozing pile of liberal guilt" even when I do get accused of turning someone down because of their race, because I know it's not true. I used words in my post like "frustrated" and "hurt," but definitely not guilty.
Hi Lily
While I think we probably disagree on quite a lot, I'm glad that you were able to get something positive from my reply. Suprisingly, I'm not intentionally trying to offend you but there are definitely some things in your post that I can't applaud. I went back and reread your OP to make sure I am not misreading you and I don't think that I am. The history of white women and black men in America is not going to be summed up by a commentator in a pithy quote on feministing and I again strongly point to further (self) education as the way through your uncomfortable response.
I'm honestly still not sure what response it is you are after and who you are asking it from. Do you think there is something specific to black men that you can say to these men to stop them harrassing you in this way? I dont have any secret codes. And I'm assuming that if you had any secret codes to stop white men racially and sexually harrassing me, you would have told by now.
I would also suggest that generally you don't try to engage any street harassers because it can be dangerous. What dormouse is saying may not be safe in many situations. But I assume that you can more accurately judge how to respond with regards to your own safety when you are actually in the moment. Just another reason why I am not sure what it is you need to hear. When a white middle class person in a suit calls out to me in a crowded street at noon that I'm a racist, I react differently to a white guy on a dark street when his face is covered. I suggest you react to things on a case by case basis taking all the facts into consideration rather than assuming that by virtue of misogyny and skin color, they will respond identically. It is probably not a safe assumption.
That is of course if you are asking for safety tips. Now if you are asking for emotional reassurance, that is of course completely fine. But I guess it being phrased as an a question was what threw me and probably made it sound like asking for cookies. When the subtext of a post seems to be to reassure a white person that they are not being racist, it raises certain concerns for me. Especially on a website with low numbers of POC. And my points still stand regardless. A strong understanding of race and racial issues is the best defence against false accusations of racism, strong reactions to the word 'racism' (whether they are upset, frustrated or guilty),and intentional and intentional acts of racism that you may prepetrate yourself.
And while you may not hear it, believe me, I am taking your comments in good faith. I am being perfectly polite and constructive in my comments. At some point your continued insistence on your wish for me to give you the benefit of the doubt is gonna come awfully close to a tone argument. If you have to put multiple disclaimers at the top of a post, you probably have to actually come to terms with the fact that, despite what you may believe to be good intentions, not everyone is going to be wild about it.
Thanks once again for a thoughtful, helpful and constructive response!
Suprisingly, I'm not intentionally trying to offend you
I didn't think you were, and I didn't mean to imply that you were. No worries.
I'm honestly still not sure what response it is you are after and who you are asking it from.
Ok. What I wasn't hoping for (although some people felt the need to give it to me anyway, or seem to assume it was what I was looking for) was "emotional reassurance" that I'm not racist. I know that I ignore all harassers on the street regardless of their race, and what shakes me about the accusation of racism in this context isn't that it makes me doubt myself, but rather that it puts me in a position where I am unable to have a conversation or defend myself against the accusation without having to change my original response, which is to ignore all harassers.
What I was hoping for was meaningful conversations about how to deal with situations like this (whether it is ever helpful to respond, for example -- not "secret codes"), and if folks had ideas about why sometimes some men (of all colors) use race as an excuse to "guilt" women or put them down when they do not get their desired response to harassment. I did get some interesting responses that did make me think, so I'm pleased about that.
if you had any secret codes to stop white men racially and sexually harassing me, you would have told by now.
Hell yes I would! Don't I wish...
And to respond to your last paragraph, fair enough. I wasn't trying to make a "tone argument," although I can see why it could seem that way. I guess I thought it was fairly explicit from my post in the second to last paragraph what I was looking for, and it's frustrating to have that dismissed by the suggestion that I'm "looking for a cookie." I'm definitely not saying you don't have the right to criticize me, or call me out if you think I'm being ridiculous and/or racist and/or ignorant. If I weren't willing to hear those things, I wouldn't be here!
I can see what you've been through. I'm mixed with black/white and I get harassed by all races. But mostly it's black, white, and Hispanic men. I normally don't get a lot of crap from men who are Hispanic, only two from my experience. One tried to pay for me and grope me and one threw a glass bottle at me when I ignore him but those were my only two experiences.
A get mostly hit on by black men a lot because I go to school in a mostly black neighborhood and I get a lot of attention because of the people I hang out with and sometimes they're known for being associated with men who hang with prostitutes or women that push drugs for them. I'm neither one, they just know me and I know them and me knowing them has protected me.
But back to the topic when black men harass me because of who I'm associated with and I ignore them, sometimes I can get a lot of hate coming at me like how I'm a self hating black woman than just wants to be white and a lot of racial slurs, even been called a light skinned bitch.
And then I go to a mostly white school (which is strange because it's in the mostly black neighborhood) and I have gotten a lot of crap from them too. I get hit on at school a lot but since I'm not interested anyone there, I always get the, you must hate white people crap. I even gotten crap from a guy because he told me he wanted me to be his first black chick. So I turned him down and called him an asshole and he said, "Oh so I get it, you don't wanna get with a white boy huh." I've been called a racist at my school plenty of times because I've dated mostly black men and I don't talk to guys that tell me they like me because I'm half black.
I guess I'm rambling and my post makes no sense but pretty much what I'm trying to say is you know who you are and if you know you're not a racist you don't need to feel bad if someone called you out on it. Harassment is never okay and people tend to use issues like race, sex, class or anything in order to make you feel bad as a person. The thing is the only way you can feel bad is if you think it's somewhat true.
"...I guess I'm rambling and my post makes no sense..."
What? Rambling? C'mon, your post makes perfect sense!
I am writing a book on street harassment and already wrote my master's thesis on it, so I've been studying the topic for nearly 3 years.
You are far from being alone in being called racist for ignoring or rebuking street harassers. One of the telling points that a man is harassing rather than "complimenting" is when he quickly turns to insults and accusations when he doesn't get the response he thinks he deserves.
From the few documentaries out there that interview male harassers ("War Zone" and "Yo...Shorty"), it seems if they're ignored or rebuked they assume the problem is with the woman, not them or what they're doing or the context in which they're doing it, and so to try to explain why the woman didn't respond positively, they call the woman a racist, a lesbian, a bitch, or telling her she's stuck up.
I wrote this post a few weeks ago http://streetharassment.wordpress.com/2009/06/12/you-think-youre-better-than-me/ about this happening among same race harassers and how black men who are rebuked may call their black female target a white bitch. I thought that was interesting that some men equate "stuck up" with "white."
As a white woman I feel more hesitant calling out a man of color who is harassing me than a white man because I don't want to act or be seen as acting racist. But at the end of the day, all men need to stop behaving this way, no matter their race.
Thanks for your link, I think it's valuable reading all the different voices in the comments and in the links you provided. It seems like a prime example of intersectionality, how all women are targets of this shit but race and class seem to alter it in different ways.
In lieu of all the people criticizing the OP and debating race in general, I'm gonna actually provide a suggestion:
Turn whatever they say around, replacing their race with "sexist pig"
"What, honey, you don't like Mexicans?!"
"No, honey, I don't like sexist pigs"
or
"Think you're too good for me?"
"No, I think you're too sexist for me"
They might not get it, but I think it sounds better than just walking away silently and letting them think they've won and might make them think for a second about if it's their own fault they were rejected.