It's a pretty problematic question. I think you're completely right in asking its relevance to your morality. I think that it's telling how the definition of sex changes when the reasons for asking change. For example, if you were asking about STIs, and you wanted to know how many partners the other person had slept with (even though it's probably better to ask "have you been tested" and "did you have safer sex with all of those partners"), the answer would have to include oral sex and other sex acts (and your rape).

On the other hand, if you're asking to gauge morality or some other objective thing like 'experience' (don't see the relevance of the number, but anyway), the line becomes a bit fuzzier as to what to include.

I'm omnisexual too, so some definitions reduce my number by more than half.

If someone asks me for my number, and I want to give it to them, I include any consensual genital contact (mine, the other person's, or both). Any more details required are on a case by case basis.

I think that the context in which someone has had sex is more important than the number of times. And that information can be important to deciding if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with someone. For instance, I have never had sex, as I would only feel comfortable having sex in the context of a loving, long-term relationship and I have not been in a relationship I felt fulfilled those requirements. And I would want my partner to feel the same way about sex as I do. I would never say "You have had sex with too many people, so I'm not interested in you period," but my partner had had lots of one-night stands would make me question if our values about sex were compatible.

Joan

Personally, I think it can be a fair question, and validly asked to determine whether someone's values or views of sexuality are compatible. However, coming up with a workable definition of "the number" would be between the asker and the answerer.

This is not to detract from the validity of someone's choice to sleep with whomever, or however many, that they want. However, the determination of whether that person is a suitable partner is equally valid, and, if someone deems the answer important to the determination, then they should ask.

Personally, if I found out that my partner were perviously a womanizer who had several dozen sexual partners before me, I would have to question whether his values, his view of women, or his view of sexuality were compatible with my own.

kbz

This is an interesting question. My "number" is fairly low, and I remember once a girl said "oh, that's cute" in this really condescending way to me. I was completely confused, because I'm in my twenties, mature, have various types of fulfilling relationships, am sexually satisfied, etc. But I think there's an opposite of the Whore Index, which is that you're seen as overall less mature if you haven't had sex with many people. There's a sort of "oh, you'll understand when you're older" vibe that I find entirely silly, since I simply made a conscious decision that because I am slow to trust and don't enjoy sex with partners that much anyway, I wouldn't have sex with someone unless I knew them very well.

As for what sex is, I definitely didn't think I'd "had sex" until I had intercourse with a man, but in my case I hadn't had oral sex or anything with a woman. I'd had a girlfriend for six months and we engaged in frottage and *cough* a little over-the-clothes hands action in the back row of a movie theatre. It definitely didn't feel like sex, even if it was sexual. I suppose my definition has to do with orgasms, but then I never had orgasms from intercourse (and later started identifying as a lesbian). It's funny how with a man and with intercourse, it's just *assumed* that it's "sex," whether you have an orgasm or not, whether it's consensual or not. If it's with a woman, then you have to come up with a definition. Mouth but not hands? Orgasms required? I definitely thought that clothed fumbling in a movie theatre didn't count, but I'd come from it? Maybe it would have been sex. I tend to think of sex as being a combination of factors, and there's some point at which it seems complete. So a brief little clothed fumble in a bar or whatever wouldn't count, but if you're naked and kissing and fondling for hours and no one comes, it might. Ha, it's very hard for me to figure out, I'll tell you that much. I think of myself as only having had *sex* with two people. What's interesting, too, is that I don't really count a time when I was fully naked and used a vibrator to orgasm with another person in the bed next to me, mainly because she was so detached. She touched me a little, but she didn't want reciprocation, she wasn't really into it... and so it just seemed like masturbation with an audience.

Interesting thoughts to ponder!

I love this dilema. It's come up so many times and with so many different people, with so many different answers, it's pretty fascinating. I have so many stories to compare, I'd kind of think it'd be interesting to compile them somehow.
Too bad high school health class only defines sex as penis-in-vagina action. If that was the case, I'd say I've been chaste for years! I don't even remember the idea of consensuality come up, which is really unfortunate. I don't know what sex-ed is like these days... but somehow I doubt it's changed by too much.

I think, as others have already suggested (but I'd like to elaborate), the question of consent is particularly difficult.
I agree that I've had sex with anyone with whom I have exchanged bodily fluids which have the potential for transmitting diseases. However, I would certainly classify consensual and non-consensual sex differently. To comment in a slightly different direction, it seems equally important to disclose to a partner any non-consensual experiences (if you feel comfortable, if it's the right time, etc. I'm not suggesting this is always possible or necessarily always a good idea).
Rather than simply being curious about a "number" - whatever that entails given your definition of "sex" - we ought to be equally (or perhaps even more) curious about whether or not the one we are about to be intimate with has had negative past experiences with intimacy.

I've only had sex with one person, but I don't even know how many times. I don't have a kid or any diseases, and that's all I'm concerned about. I don't understand why anyone would even count.

"The number" has nothing to do with either kids or diseases. I know people who got either pregnant or a disease the first time having PIV sex, so there you go. It's hard to get pregnant other ways, but I bet one could a disease the first time one performs some other act, too. Number is meaningless.

I only count the ones who were good regardless of how long or short we were together. Every time somebody raises the bar, my number gets smaller :).

It isn't indicative of personal worth, but it is indicative of patterns of behavior, potentially extrapolating into the future.

If you had 10 partners, each in supposedly committed monogamous relationships that broke up at 12 months, that says something about how you pursue relationship arcs. I would not be surprised to find my fate as Partner Number 11 to follow the same pattern. Maybe I might consider that a waste of a year, if the breakup is an all but foregone conclusion. I would be pretty annoyed to find out about this pattern AFTER spending a year working up to the inevitable breakup.

If you had one relationship of 10 years duration, and then 9 partners in the last month, clearly you are on the rebound, in an experimental phase, or both. Maybe I might sign on for a little mutual fun, along with the rest of the crowd, or maybe I might say "call me when you've gotten it out of your system." Expecting anything serious in the midst of that, however, would be pretty stupid of me.

If you had 9 partners when you were 18, and then spent the next 10 years with partner number 10, that says rather the opposite. Not only had you sown your wild oats, but you finished up with that phase and learned how to commit long-term. (But I would still be thinking about whether it had been long enough for you to finish getting over your last relationship.)

If you had a marriage of 10 years duration and 9 lovers during that time, excuse me while I sprint in the opposite direction.

So, no, The Number isn't meaningless; and whatever might be claimed about men being allotted a higher Number, I would fully expect a woman considering a relationship with me to go through the same thought process.

I had a girlfriend once who had never had sex but was a rape survivor. She was bothered by her belief that she wasn't a virgin. I didn't care about virginity, and rape seems to have about as much to do with it as getting hit by a truck would, but not being a virgin really upset her for awhile.