My best friend is in an abusive (emotionally and psychologically) relationship. I've tried talking to her about it but she shuts down and refuses to talk. Recently it has become almost impossible to meet with her alone. We will make plans to meet when her husband is working but he changes his schedule so he can join us. He is not aware that I know what goes on (as far as I can tell). He acts amicably towards me, which I believe is a good thing because I'm concerned he may try and cut off my contact with her if he had a problem with me.
I don't know what to do. I know to make sure I don't force her to make a decision because that will only lead to her choosing him. I don't think she knows my opinion of him, although I have made it clear that she doesn't deserve to be treated badly. It is important that I'm here for her so that when/if she leaves she has support.
Is it a good tactic to try and remain on her husband's good side? I'm worried that by not taking a bigger stand, I'm just allowing the abuse to go on. Also I want to call a DV phoneline but I when I go to the websites I can never find out whether it's ok to call about emotional abuse when there is currently no physical abuse.
I want my friend out of this situation. She is severely depressed and I'm seriously worried for her. He has already made her cut off contact with her parents. He is extremely manipulative and uses emotional blackmail to make her think she is the one to blame.
There is one other issue here. I also am potentially in a similar situation, although I am not married. This affects my credibility when talking with her about this. I'm also hoping that if I can call the DV hotline about emotional abuse, they can give me advice too.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: What is the best path when your friend is being abused?.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/15344
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's very hard to deal with i'm sure. I hope that if you are dealing with a similar situation you do not stick around to find out if it will get worse. I definitely recommend calling a hotline for help and advice, they will help with any abuse (physical or emotional, both are extremely damaging). National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1?800?799?SAFE (7233) or TTY 1?800?787?3224
i also recommend getting help for yourself, like therapy or a support group. you need support for yourself even to just support your friend, it's a lot to take on for one person.
you cannot make your friend leave, but you can set a good example for her by taking care of yourself.
This.
YES, it is ok to call about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse frequently escalates to physical abuse. PLEASE CALL. You and your friend derserve better.
No, it doesn't affect your credibility because you are in a similiar situation. We're all vulnerable to abusive relationships and we can never allow ourselves to think anything about it is our fault. It's the abuser's choice to be abusive. Perhaps if you open up to your friend about your situation, she'd feel more comfortable talking to you. Sounds like you could use each other's support. Definitely call a hotline--they're trained to deal with all kinds of abuse and situations, so they'd be very helpful in giving you resources and helping you talk to your friend.
You're right in that you don't want to force her or tell her what to do. Just calmly lay out the options and be as supportive as you can.
What can you say ? Nothing. There is nothing you can say that will make her see the light or lessen the hold he has on her. You, however, appear to have some insight so call the DV helpline and help yourself. Yes, the abuser chooses to abuse. Yet the victim makes the choice to be in the relationship or not. No doubt that will ofeend some people here but it doesn't become less true because people don't like to hear it. Yes, there are cases where people literally fear for their lives if they leave but we have noreason to believe this is one of those cases (at least it hasn't escalated that far yet). I have no doubt your friend will be hit at some point, probably after he has isolated her some more and distanced her even further from her already limited support system. The truth is, this isn't your problem to fix and if you do pipe up you will be the next person crossed off her list. by the way: you say there has been no physical abuse but I had a friend in an almost identical situation (her husband would change his schedule and drive 2 hours to meet up with us in whatever we were doing). When they finally legally separated (following a physical assault on her for which the police were called and he was taken to jail) we all learned that the physical abuse had been going on for years. There are still many things you do not know about her, but it sounds like you know you need help and that is where your focus should be.
The advice given so far is good, but I would strongly suggest you deal with your own situation first. You can't make your friend help herself, but you can help yourself.
Thank you so much for your comments. I will call the DV hotline. I'm also grateful to hear that I'm not making things worse by not speaking up. I really want my friend to know I'm here for her and I don't want to be cut out of her life, which I know will happen if I try and tell her what I think of her husband. I do let her know, however, what a wonderful and intelligent woman she is and that she deserves to be treated well.
Once again, thank you so much for your comments!
Call, for yourself and for your friend. I've also been the friend in such a situation (although I wasn't going through a similar one at that point).
If you want to talk, leave me a comment on my blog "http://gexxinknoxville.wordpress.com" with info for however you want to communicate(email, myspace, IM, etc) it won't show up immediately because you're not an "approved commenter" so no one else will be able to see it.
Posts I've written about being the friend are:
Part 1 - http://community.feministing.com/2009/03/worried-about-my-friend---femi.html
Part 2 - http://community.feministing.com/2009/04/continuing-a-narrative-of-abus.html
::hugs and wishes!!::
Unfortunately this situation hits very close to home for me. I was in an incredibly emotionally abusive relationship several years ago that ended probably right before becoming physical. I will tell you this: help yourself first. There is really nothing you can say to this friend of yours that she's going to listen to, I mean, not if you want to stay friends. She's going to hate you if you try to turn her against her husband. Maybe you can talk to her about YOUR situation and tell her about how you're getting help or getting out or something like that and hope that she makes a connection to her own life.
My friends tried to tell me my boyfriend was no good, that he was controlling and abusive, but I didn't listen. Instead I just got mad at them and defended them. It pushed me closer to him and further away from my friends, the ones that actually cared about me.
The best thing to do is be there for her when she wants to talk and try and be supportive as best you can. But I say again: help yourself first.
I agree with all of those that have written that the best thing you can do for her is to be supportive. If you can be there for her when she needs to talk, that's one of the best ways to stay a positive person in her life.
It's important to care of you; there are lots of helpful DV hotlines and websites:
Domestic Violence Information Line (1-800-799-7233),
Women's Law (http://www.womenslaw.org/index.php)- lots of resources, Ntl Coalition Against DV (http://www.ncadv.org/). RAAIN's website also has information on self care when you're helping a friend/family member. Remember internet safety if you share a computer with an abusive partner.
I'm sorry this is happening to you (and your friend). You have my support. I've also been in an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship. Even intelligent women get caught up in them because they're a sort of self-esteem-destroying cycle: the more he destroys your self-esteem, the more you think you deserve the "punishment" you're getting, which further destroys your self-esteem, and so on.
Also please remember that you're a valuable person and you deserve so much more. Everyone deserves to be respected and to be in a relationship where she can GROW, not be stifled and crushed.
I'd perhaps recommend some books to your friend, though I'm not sure what titles, just to give her something to chew on when you can't be there or when she's sick of being lectured. Perhaps _Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life_, by Jan Black and Greg Enns. In abusive relationships, boundaries are often one of the first things to go out the window. Or, if you want to be more obvious, _Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men_, by Lundy Bancroft. Though I have a feeling she probably wouldn't even pick it up.
An interesting article : http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2009/04/why-do-they-stay.html