I feel compelled to post about this because I need to share it with someones who can understand from a feminist perspective.
I'm a second year university student, last year my roommate (potluck) [referred to as C] and I became very close friends. From the minute she walked in the door of our little room, we were friends. And within the first 7 hours of knowing her, she was fighting with her boyfriend (who was several years her senior).
He was mad because she had left her phone on vibrate in her backpack and didn't answer when he called (I was showing her around campus because she'd only been there once before, whereas I'd spent several days just roaming around). That fight lasted about a week, and shortly thereafter he was mad because she didn't pick up the phone fast enough when he called.
Can you see the set up? As we got closer, and I listened to C's conversations with this guy (and held her while she cried because he told her that she was letting her sisters down by being her high school valedictorian and coming to one of the most prestiguous schools in the state), I slowly realised what was going on.
C's boyfriend was a manipulative, possessive, and verbally/mentally abusive ass. He constantly wanted to know where she was, what she'd been doing, and who she'd been with. He got angry when she needed to take a student loan because he believed they were going to get married and she was putting him in debt. He disapproved of her considering becoming a dentist rather than a dental hygienist. He even objected to her participating in student organisations and doing anything but spending all her free time studying (when he was okay with her being at college at all).
She finally broke up with him in spring, but the drama didn't end there. He refused to accept that she'd found a new (supportive, mature, and well rounded) boyfriend, and kept asking her to marry him. He constantly accused her of not working hard enough for their relationship (she gave him too many chances, in my opinion), betraying him, and setting herself up for ruin by not moving to his town and becoming wife and mommy at 19.
She's broken up with new boyfriend, R, several times to try and work things out with J (abusive asshole). R, happily, has been very supportive of her need for closure, etc. But anyway...
Last week she asked me to go on a road trip, because apparently there had been another big blow up with J. Over the summer, she had let him stay at her apartment a few times, and he once cleaned her room - apparently he went through her trash and found a used condom. She denied that she knew whose it was, but had recently admitted that it was indeed hers (and R's). He, predictably, flipped out and demanded to know who/what/when/where/how - but she maintained that if they were going to work things out they had to put the past behind them. The argument left C nearly suicidal, but eventually ended with him demanding she return some things he'd given her along with several hundred dollars.
For various reasons (mostly regarding physical safety, because he actually threatened to "not let her leave" if she went to his house), I convinced her NOT to go there. But as we drove, I learned more about their relationship and the first time they'd had (PIV) sex.
It was one of those "If you love me, you'll do it" situations, and I have a sick gut feeling that what happened amounts to rape by coercion and browbeating. The last week I've been struck by how what I've read about people in abusive relationships is so true - how they blame themselves and believe their abuser acts from love/will change if s/he just acts right.
I don't know if I should broach the idea that she was raped with C, because I know I can't define her experience for her, but I desperately want to help her heal. It is small consolation that she did reveal to me that I helped her see what the real problems in her relationship were, but I'm afraid she's just going to live with this pain and blame herself.
Survivors of abuse and rape, what did you need and want from your friends at a time like this? Friends of survivors, what can I do besides be there?
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Sounds exactly like my crazy abusive ex.
I can't speak for everyone, but the first time a friend said to me, "Wow, that sounds like abuse," it was a revelation. I still think of that moment as the turning point in my thinking about the relationship and understanding it for what it really was. And reading about cycles of violence was enormously helpful to me in framing what was going on in the relationship, recognizing that it was not my fault, and eventually, accepting that I had to get out of it.
Since your friend is already (at least somewhat) out of the relationship, you might say something to her like, "hey, I know you went through a lot of rough stuff with C. Some of what you've told me sounds like emotional abuse and sexual assault. I don't want to label your experiences for you, but I'd really encourage you to do some reading on emotional abuse and sexual abuse, and check out our school's resources for survivors of abuse."
Also, let her know that just because she was in an abusive relationship does NOT mean you think she was weak, or that she brought it on herself by staying with the guy or continuing to let him influence her life. One of the reasons it took so long for me to open up to some of my friends and ask for their help and advice was the common reaction I got that went something like this: "Oh, but I thought you were such a strong woman! How could you let someone treat you like that? How couldn't you see what he was doing to you?"
I think you've already got the top two suggestions down: believe and support your friend. And yes, it is up to her to decide what (if anything) she wants to label the experience. I would not use the term rape right now, because, honestly, it can freak people out and cause them to shut down. Whatever she decides, make sure that you have a comfortable way of talking about the experience if that is what she wants.
Let her know that you're there for her and that what the ex did was not right and that all of it was completely his choice - that she is not to blame for any of it. Also, do not try to make decisions for her - let her make those and support them, but be willing to tell her if you think they might hurt her. Show concern, but don't try to control any decisions. Continue to be the friend that you have been and listen to your friend.
Here is a link to a website that I have found to be very helpful: http://www.pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html
I saw one of my sisters go for one awful guy after another and then finally end up with a verbally abusive alcoholic who routinely screamed insults at her. When the abuse began to border on physical, the police became involved and thankfully that was the motivation she needed to leave him.
I saw an ex-girlfriend leave me for an emotionally and physically abusive ex who had been trying for months to use every trick in the book by using fear, manipulation, and coercion to win her back.
I cite both of these examples because I've been in two different positions where this sort of conduct affected me personally. In the first example, I tried to be a voice of reason and inform her that I was not there to judge her for what happened and how she responded to it. She never really wanted to talk much about it and that was her right, of course, though I can't imagine that holding in all of that trauma was beneficial for her. I was supportive and uncritical, and that's all she wanted from me.
In the second example, there was little to nothing I could do when I was dating her except listen to a series of horror stories and resolve to not be anything like the ex. I admit that I still harbor some resentment because she left me without giving me any warning and, to add insult to injury, the day after Valentine's Day. I remember that called her trying to figure out where she was and got a very guilty confession from her she'd returned to the guy that had abused her. I still wonder if I was foolish to try to love someone with that degree of psychological damage or to show love to someone who had long associated pain with love and fear with attention. But I don't like giving up on people and I don't like writing people off altogether, because that assumes that no one will ever change for the better. Still, there are some people who perversely find dysfunction almost comfortable because it's understandable and familiar. That doesn't mean it's good, but they believe that it's better to live with the pain they know than risk the pleasure they fear they might not obtain.
"Still, there are some people who perversely find dysfunction almost comfortable because it's understandable and familiar."
Is that your way of saying that abuse victims stay in abusive relationships because they like it?
victims of abuse stay for several reasons including:
Abuse is normalized in our society. Its rarely taken seriously unless its physically violent, and even then people assume that if the victim hasn't left then it must not be a big deal. This means that victims don't always recognize the behavior as abusive. This is especially true if they grew up in abusive homes.
Leaving an abusive relationship is also dangerous. The most violence occurs in abusive relationships when the victim tries to leave. It's dangerous and its scary. And if the abuser has sufficiently isolated the victim, they might not have anywhere to go anyway.
Victims of abuse aren't perverse for staying. The only perverse things here are abusers and the society that enables them.
I didn't get the sense that Comrade Kevin was trying to blame victims for staying with their abusers or saying that they were perverse for doing so or that they "liked" being abused. I think (correct me if I'm wrong!) that he was trying to say that for some victims, they get so accustomed to an abusive situation that at least it is predictable, and their abuser is someone familiar -- whereas, as you point out, leaving the abuser can be scary and unpredictable. When I was in an abusive relationship, I knew leaving would be painful, and for a long time I chose the pain I knew (being in the relationship) over the pain I didn't know (admitting to myself that the relationship was abusive and learning to be alone, plus dealing with the possibility of violence and more abuse I would take for leaving).
possibly. either way the language used - "perversely find dysfunction almost comfortable" gave off bad vibes.
also when he talked about "pleasure they fear they might not obtain." he makes it sound like victims are choosing between abuse and fear of rejection. Whereas you were saying that victims are choosing between a known evil - the abuse, and an unknown evil - admitting that they were abused, being alone, escalating violence and abuse, homelessness, etc.
to me the two things are very different.
I agree with most of Comrade Kevin's comment except for the words "perverse" and "dysfunctional".
One of the worst after-shocks of my own experience with abuse was having to defend myself to comments like that.
Having to explain that I'm not an idiot, and that I do NOT like being abused was definitely the most difficult thing I had to go through.
Also, it's really rare for an abuse victim to fully understand why she or he tolerated it/took them back/still loves 'em. That's a hard thing to wrap your head around.
On top of not wanting to admit to yourself that this happened, there's still another draw to go back. I remember feeling like if I went back to him, and he really did change, it meant I was Good Enough to be treated decently. I thought it might take away the feeling that this all happened to me because I'm a terrible person.
just be there for her. She probably has wondered many times if it was rape or not since from what you say, she didn't want to do it in the first place and he "browbeat" her into it. Just talk to her. Let her know that no matter what you are there for her
Harriet at fugitivus.wordpress.com talks a lot about this.
The way she seems to handle these situations, is that she'll go ahead and say that she would call it rape, but also not force the person she was talking to to call it that.
I'm not a victim, but this does make a certain amount of sense to me. I imagine for a lot of victims who are questioning, it can be really helpful to have someone else validate their feelings. On the other hand, being a victim comes with a lot of baggage that they might not want to deal with, especially if they are still worried about their safety. So, I think its important to respect their decision if they don't want to think of it as rape.
pluralist, sorry you're having to see your friend go through this.
What outsiders can't understand is that when you're in an abusive relationship, the other person is The Whole World to you. You literally cannot imagine life without them -- your brain slams to a halt when you even try to think about it. All the tools in the Official Abuser Playbook... the insults, the putdowns, the threats, the controllingness and possessiveness, the separation from your friends and family... they all exist to serve one purpose: to extend the abuser's overarching dominance over every aspect of your life.
Anyway, as a friend, all you can really do is be there for her. She has to lead herself out of this. I know that you probably want to just grab her and shake her and scream "Why are you with this complete loser d-bag?!?" but that wouldn't exactly help. Any negative words you may have about the abuser will automatically encourage her to come to his defense. This goes double if you call him a rapist, unfortunately.
My abusive ex paid me exactly one favor... by hooking onto a new victim about a month after we split. I can say without reservation that otherwise I would have gone back eventually. As it was, I was so depressed and dead to the world right after the split because I literally did not know how to live life without my every moment being controlled... even with a new, much cooler person in my life. Similar to your friend and R, the nice guy she is always dumping for her abuser.
Anyway, I've rambled on a bit here. By letting her talk to you without any judgment on your part, it might eventually lead to her waking up, just by hearing out of her own mouth the nightmare she is living. And if she is ever finally ready, only then will you be ready with some numbers of some good counselors.
You're a good friend for sticking with her despite her asshole abuser. And yes, what he did was rape.
Wow, reading this comment of yours argon I feel like I was reading my own story.
To the OP, I second what argon says. I know you probably want to tell your friend how horrible this guy is and say what he did was wrong and that he raped her...but argon is right. It will only make her want to jump to his defense. That is what happened to me when my friends tried to point out the horrible aspects of my abuser. Instead of me realizing what a horrible person HE was, I turned on them. I withdrew from their friendship as much as possible. Fortunately for me, they were such awesome people that they stuck with me no matter what and when it finally dawned on me that they were right (this was after HE broke up with ME and had gotten married to someone else so it took a long time for the realization) they were still there for me. But looking back on it they were completely right and now I see how abusive and crazy and controlling he was. It was all of a sudden like a revelation. It was really strange.
I'm not saying your friend will have to wait until this guy moves on himself and finds someone knew for her to have this revelation, everyone is different. But you can't force her to have it. All you can do it be there for her.
This part resonated with me very deeply: "He constantly wanted to know where she was, what she'd been doing, and who she'd been with. He got angry when she needed to take a student loan because he believed they were going to get married and she was putting him in debt."
I was dating someone very much like C's boyfriend for 8 months. The breakup resulted in him stalking/harassing me and having to file for an order of protection. As a poster above said, her abusive ex latched onto a new victim, which is very sad but what I think my ex did as well. My ex had deep issues with trust, insecurity, and a desire for control and power, and I would bet that C's boyfriend is very much the same.
The only way I was able to overcome was to erase him from my life permanently. While the abuse was progressing, deep down, even though I tried to deny it, I knew exactly what was going on from the beginning. People ask how a warm and intelligent young woman gets sucked into this, but it happens frighteningly easier than you think. During the "courting" process, everyone is on their best behavior. For me, the abuse was slight and subtle. I wanted to believe the best in my partner, so I overlooked the obvious mental abuse.
Chances are that somewhere deep, deep inside, your friend knows it too. Everyone around me saw what was going on; I wasn't myself, I was always exhausted, I didn't have close friendships, he monopolized my time. It only really clicked when my mother and grandmother intervened and said, "This is not good and you need to get away now." They were blunt and at first it was painful and I resented them, but that quickly subsided. Once you step back from the situation and really see what is going on, you have an "Oh my gosh how did I ever let this happen" moment.
As her friend, I think you need to say to C (as another poster wrote above), "This is emotional and mental abuse" and explain what you see. She may not like what you have to say at first, but she needs to hear it for it to click. If this guy is as crazy possessive as he sounds, she needs to stop all communication with him - change numbers, emails, block him on Facebook etc - and erase him from her life. I would also suggest counseling; it's hard, but really helps.
That was the only way I could heal. My mom says, "You can't read the word on the page when your face is only an inch away from the book." Once you step back you can see what is there.
As for the rape thing, I think that if C is comfortable talking with you about the abuse (as I got further from my situation, I was able to talk about more of the details) then let her talk about the experience without any judgment on your part. After the explains it more, she may realize that herself that it was indeed rape.
Continue to be an amazing and supportive friend and be there for her no matter what.
A friend of mine is still recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship. The best suggestion I can give is to understand that it's a process, and that recovery will not happen quickly. It's been over a year now, and sometimes my friend still talks about it and him. All I can do is provide the ear and shoulder when needed. Whenever we end up talking about it, I usually preface by saying that if at any point she gets uncomfortable, we'll change the conversation topic, no questions asked.
Good luck with your friend. She's lucky to have someone like you.
Please contact a domestic violence hotline or a local women's shelter and get advice from them. This is absolutely an abusive relationship, but C has to realize it and end it herself.